A/N: Trigger Warning. Anxiety and Mild Panic Attack.

Also, long af chapter. I keep making these testaments lmao

Dedicated to capandbarnes for making some lovely aesthetics for me. I won't be posting them in this chapter though because they'll be a spoiler ;) either way, make sure to check out her aesthetics book where she posts beautiful edits, as well as her T'Challa fanfic "Royalty", which deserves love. Thank you again, June!

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INSPIRED BY:
I CAN'T BREATHE | BEA MILLER
CONTROL | HALSEY
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"I'm not as strong as I look.
That still doesn't mean
I won't destroy you,
Or maybe die trying."

NADINE

Nadine spent the next 2 days stuck in her room, tracking anything that could lead her towards that sphere. Unfortunately, she'd mostly come across some dead ends, which meant that she'd have to start all over again to figure out what she'd missed, much to her increasing frustration. That, coupled with Jameson's recent appearance in her dreams once again, was just the perfect recipe for an insomniac, anxious Nadine who'd project her emotions into her work in a rather, er, obsessive, manner.

A knock on the doorframe snapped her out of her thoughts, and when Nadine glanced up, she saw Fong. "You okay?" he asked gently, raising a suspicious brow at her. His white shirt was a contrast to the breezy, buttoned-up shirts he'd grown accustomed to after Emilia introduced him to the style.

"I'm fine," she answered as she rubbed her tired eyes, and leaned back against her silk covered pillows. She hadn't exactly slept much with all the work that she'd been doing.

Fong scoffed, amusement clear on his face as he made his way onto her bed, lying on his back as he studied her. From that angle, she could see the little wrinkles forming around his eyes. "Is that why you look like death?"

"Funny," she drawled, glowering at the plum colored bedding. "If this whole doctor thing doesn't work out, you should go into comedy."

"I'm sure Taj will agree," he tried to joke, but she noticed the worried look on his face. "What's going on, Dina?"

Jameson's voice and cold black eyes were in her head, that's what's going on. "Nothing."

"Nothing?" Fong was obviously not convinced. He'd have to be blind not to notice something was up. Despite it, he never pushed her to talk. "That's not what Emilia said."

"She should keep her nose out of people's business." Okay, that was ignorant to say. She had to get in people's business in order to do her missions. "Or at least my business."

Fong sighed, his expression neutral and nonjudgemental. It wasn't his first time dealing with an exhausted Nadine, but that didn't mean it wasn't annoying. "She's just concerned about your well being," he countered. "And I am too."

"Great," was all she muttered, her eyes flickering towards the painting on the wall across from her. Contrary to the warmth of Dante's room, her room was in cooler, darker tones. Most of her walls were white except for one, which was painted to resemble charcoal. The painting on said wall was a present made by Kaia; it was abstract and like the color of her sheets, with splatters of gold and white. "You needed a touch of elegancy," she'd said, her charming smile as potent as ever. Looking at it distracted Nadine from everything else.

"Okay, I'm not going to press any further," he relented, and Nadine's shoulders slumped in relief. She really didn't want to talk at the moment, not with so much important stuff going around. "But you know that if you're feeling, overwhelmed, by something, you can talk to me, or Dante, maybe Bucky..."

Nadine chose to ignore the suggestive undertone when he said Bucky's name, or the way it seemed to ignite something inside of her. "I'd rather talk about the Hand," she retorted. Fong looked done with the conversation and it hadn't even started yet. "As an ex-member of theirs, what do you think they could be doing with alien tech?"

He gave her an annoyed look for poking at his time with the Hand, but he didn't shut her down, like other times. "Any number of things," he replied, sighing in exasperation. "Mostly keeping a stronghold on their organization, so that it never crumbles."

"Any ideas how?"

"I don't know, it depends on how the tech works. Either way, the Hand has only ever worked for one thing, and that's to live forever, symbolically speaking..." he replied, his voice distant and slipping into Mandarin at the end. He tended to do that whenever his guilt got the best of him, like a switch he lost control over. It took Nadine a minute to understand what his last words were because of how late in life she developed an understanding of the language. "If this tech can give them that, maybe they'd actually crawl out of the shadows for once. And that's not good at all for anyone."

Wonderful. She wasn't surprised by the idea that The Hand wanted to "live forever", seeing as they certainly weren't the first ones to want the world to remember who they were. That being said, she kinda hoped it was something less world threatening than wanting to be the next HYDRA.

Before she could say anything, Kaia poked her head inside the room, dark eyes looking between them uncertainly. "Just wanted to say that they're here."

"What?" Nadine questioned suspiciously, her paranoia increasing by the minute.

Fong gave her a smile, looking way more cheery than during their conversation. He's definitely glad they were interrupted. "The runaway captain is here to see the soldier he left behind."

"And why didn't I know?"

"If you weren't kicking everyone out, maybe you'd know."

Kaia's comment wasn't malicious at all, but Nadine couldn't stop the sucker punched feeling it left in her gut. She wasn't trying to avoid them, she just felt responsible for what happened in Bordeaux and wanted to make up for it. Her head's been in such an overdrive, and with her anxiety seemingly taking the form of Jameson's voice, it's been difficult to unwind.

"You make things so difficult," Jameson's voice rumbled in her ears. "I know exactly how to break that."

"Nadine?"

"I'm sorry, what?" she asked, eyes drifting towards Fong, her fingers tapping restlessly against her knee. He was sitting up, dark eyes watching her like a hawk. 

"I said, I'm going to make some food for our guests," he replied slowly, thin lips pressing into a firm line. "Do you want to help?"

Nadine considered it, but then her thoughts drifted to the task at hand.  She needed to solve the problem or else she'd never calm down. "No, but I'll say hi."

• • •

The first one to greet Sam and Steve was obviously Bucky. He looked like a child who hadn't seen his family members in a long time, which was sweet. "Steve." If his smile was any wider, he'd surely look like the Cheshire cat. Nadine thought it was cute how much the men cared about the other.

"Hey, Buck." Steve grinned as he pulled him into a hug, his happy demeanor different to that of his serious, superhero persona. She noticed that his hair had gotten longer since the last time he was there, and his facial hair was starting to form into a full fledged beard. "I'm so glad to see you... it's been a while."

"It's only been like a month, man," Sam said, his usual sarcasm as potent as ever. He proceeded to punch Bucky's metal shoulder in a playful manner. "Tin-Man."

"Bird Shit," Bucky retorted, smirking as Sam scoffed at him. "It's good to see you."

"Nadine," Steve greeted as she quietly made her way towards them, a small but genuine smile on his face. Now that he knew his best friend was in one piece, he seemed to be warming up to her. Baby steps, Nadine.

"Steve, Sam," Nadine replied, plastering a smile on her face as best as she could. She knew she must've looked exhausted. "Welcome back."

"Miss Madaki," Sam greeted graciously, giving her a playful wink. Such a flirt. "Missed me? I'm sure you did."

"Of course I did," Nadine agreed, chuckling as he placed a hand on his heart and feigned a swoon. From the corner of her eye she saw Bucky roll his eyes. "Where's Natasha?"

"Nat's visiting Barton," Sam quipped lightly, "Where's your 'not as handsome as me' partner? Still throwing a tantrum?"

"Right here, Wilson," Dante drawled as he stepped into view. He'd been in the pool, so he was in his swim trunks and a towel was draped over his muscled shoulders, already looking tanner than when he'd arrived. Though he glared at Sam, Nadine didn't miss the mischief glinting in his hazel eyes. "And I don't do tantrums."

While the duo laughed and talked, Nadine's phone vibrated in her pocket. When she pulled it out, she noticed that it was Selene Mebarak, most likely with some information about what she'd been investigating these past few days. "Excuse me."

Turning towards the hallway that led to their underground armory, Nadine almost bumped into Emilia because she was looking at her phone. "Sorry. Wasn't looking."

"What-" Emilia's annoyance disappeared completely once she gaped at their guests, her brown doe eyes almost bulging out of their sockets in shock. "Captain America and Falcon."

"Not anymore," Nadine muttered, her attention more focused on her phone than on their visitors. Selene's message had coordinates and information on a potential suspect, along with the words: "It's as much as I've been able to find at the moment. I'll let you know what else I can find. -S".

"So that's how you met Bucky," Kaia stated as she stood beside Emilia, her voice as passive as ever. She cocked her head to the side as she studied the men. "Interesting."

"The only thing interesting is how handsome not-Captain America is," Emilia said, still hiding behind Nadine in order to stare at him unabashedly. "Not-Falcon's handsome too."

"Your brother seems to think so too," Taj pointed out with a chuckle, and when Nadine looked up, she noticed what he was referring to. Dante was talking with Steve so attentively, it's like he forgot about Fong, Bucky, and Sam. It'd actually be hilarious, had she not been so concentrated in decrypting Selene's attached file.

"Does he now?"

Emilia chuckled in amusement. "Jealous, Kaia?"

"Jealousy is an emotion I don't have time to waste on," she quipped, her tone icy. "Let alone for someone as blond as Captain America."

"I wasn't referring to him, though," Emilia shot back.

"Well, either way, Dante's got quite the man crush on him. Right, Rafiki?"

The picture finally loaded, and it wasn't of a person, like she suspected, but of a place. It looked like a bed and breakfast. Either way, it was enough for her to check out. "Yeah, sure," Nadine muttered quietly, pushing past them as she made her way down the hall and toward the door that led to the basement.

"Wait, Nadine. Nadine! Where are you going?" She didn't stop at Taj's plea, but became aware of him following her down to the armory. "Where are you going?"

"To Madeira," she answered as she grabbed a handgun, checking to see if it had any ammo. "I'm tracking a lead on the sphere."

"Oh, okay. Need some help?"

Nadine grabbed a duffle bag and placed a rifle inside of it, only looking at him when she was ready to leave. "No."

"But at least tell me where you're going," he countered, blocking her exit. "And your target. I don't like the idea of none of us knowing where you're going."

"The target is whoever pisses me off next," she replied sharply, motioning for him to get out of her way. "So, move."

Taj sighed, running a hand over his face in an exasperated state, finally moving from the exit. The way he looked at her made it clear he was worried. "What am I supposed to say if they ask?"

"Whatever you want. I don't care," she called out, and she continued walking without looking back.

• • •

She didn't track the lead. Before Nadine arrived at the ferry terminal, she received a message -which was accompanied by an apology from Selene- that the lead was a dead end. With her frustrations so high, she ended up taking a detour to Praia Costa Azul in order to clear her head. It was a tranquil, semi-popular beach in Maricota, with a shoreline riddled with pebbles and sea glass. The beach had become one of Nadine's favorite places to go to when she needed some peace, and at the moment, she really needed it. Her head was too muddled to concentrate on anything, and it was really throwing her off. Which was why she was sitting on the rocky terrain, a newly bought bottle of alcohol and a glass in her hands. She didn't drink much, all things considered, but these past few days seemed like enough of an excuse for her to get a drink. Maybe, she hoped, it'd help her be more open to her emotions, which she needed.

"I didn't train you to let your emotions get the best of you," Jameson's words hissed like an echo in the wind, which made Nadine's head pound relentlessly. "Emotions are a weakness."

"Not again..." She pinched the bridge of her nose, shutting her eyes tight as she tried to rid herself of his damned voice. It'd been a while since she'd been so shaken by him, but with how much she'd been obsessing over the sphere and her guilt, it was only a matter of time before he made his appearance.

In all her thinking, Nadine hadn't realized that she had company. It wasn't until she felt a presence behind her and someone mutter a soft "Nadine" did she realize that she'd been found.

Of course.

"Just leave me alone," she muttered without looking back, downing her second drink. The liquid left a burning sensation in her mouth and throat, but it also soothed her frustrations. "I want to be alone."

She heard pebbles shuffling under footsteps, and when she looked up, Bucky was sitting down in front of her, his blue eyes drifting towards the bottle in notable concern. "Nadine, I understand that you're worried about the sphere, but-"

"That fucking sphere," she snapped, running her hand over her face in an exasperated state. "I lost it, and now some gang probably has it. It's fucking great."

"It's all your fault," Jameson hissed, and she could feel his hand grabbing against her bicep so tightly she was afraid he'd break it. "Your punishment is well deserved."

Nadine could still feel the burning sensation his slap left on her cheek that fateful day she'd failed. "It's all my fault."

"Okay, can I have that? Please?" He reached for the bottle, and though Nadine hesitated at first, the look on his face made her give it up. "I think we should talk about this."

"There's nothing to talk about," she quipped, playing with the liquid in her glass. "The worst of the worst have something potentially catastrophic and it's my fault."

"Nadine, it is not your fault."

"Yes, it is. Everything is my fault."

"Look at her," Jameson's fingers had curled against her chin as he'd forced her to watch as a then 13 year old Emilia bled. Her punishment for failing her mission. "You failed, and now she has to deal with it."

Her eyes drifted towards the water as she downed her last drink before standing up. A lump started to grow in her throat as she relived that day. "I fail to stop these monsters and innocent people get hurt. They get hurt, and I just..."

Bucky stood as well, his expression one full of heartbreak. He probably never expected to see her like that, but here they were. "Nadine," he called quietly, hesitantly reaching over towards her, to which she pulled back, stepping farther away from him. "Nadine, please..."

"Let me talk to her."

She turned, locking eyes with a downcast Dante. He shut the car door and stuffed his hands in his pockets as he made his way towards them, nodding reassuringly at a reluctant Bucky as they switched places. He held her gaze for a second before turning towards the water, and he breathed in the salty air. "God, I love this place."

"You here to fix me?" she asked, her tone harsher than she intended it to be. It's like a defense mechanism that switched on whenever she wasn't in control. "How did you find me?"

"Selene texted me what happened, and since you've been so out of it, I figured you'd be here," Dante replied in a levelheaded tone. "And I'm here because you're clearly panicking if you're acting like that with Barnes."

"I just want to be alone."

Dante scoffed, clearly not believing it. "You and I both know that's a lie."

She wasn't listening. Her heart rate was starting to increase and it was difficult to breathe. Oh, no.

"Dina," he called, slowly placing his hands over her trembling shoulders. Oh god, make it stop. "Hey, talk to me, please."

"H-He's in my head, Dante," she choked, shaking her head incessantly as she placed a hand over her heart and her vision started to blur. "Jameson, Jameson's in my h-head."

"Hey, hey." She felt his hands on her cheeks as he tried to steer her line of sight towards him. "Look at me, breathe. It'll pass. It's okay."

But how could she breathe when her chest was caving in on her? "J-Just... Leave."

"That's the panic talking," he responded quietly (or was it loudly?) and he grabbed onto her shaking hands, placing them on his chest. "I'm not leaving. Come on, remember your therapy. Focus on something."

Her eyes drifted towards Bucky, who was leaning against the car, watching them intently. She noticed he left his metal arm exposed, he probably forgot in the rush of finding her. Her focus then drifted to the texture of Dante's leather jacket, which felt strange under her sweaty palms.

"You, and James," she muttered between breaths, her gaze now focused on the colorful sea glass on the floor. Find a blue one, Nadine.

"Yeah, surprising, right?"

She found a blue one, so she then switched to finding a green one. "Why the sudden change?"

"I got tired of being angry at you," Dante responded, and she could feel his chest rising and falling calmly. She tried to mimic his breathing in order to calm herself down. "And once the anger decreased, I realized that Fong was right. I can't judge him for what he's done."

"So, you're friends?"

He grimaced, which actually made her chuckle a bit. "Eh, I wouldn't say we're friends. We just happen to care about the same person."

"Me."

"Of course you," he said like it's the most obvious thing in the world. Her breaths were becoming more even, and her vision was starting clear again. "Dina, when Taj said you left-"

Nadine cringed. Yeah, she owed him an apology. "I wasn't gonna do anything."

"I know, I know. But I still worry."

"I'm sorry," she muttered quietly. She felt better, but her body felt heavy. Definitely in need of some sleep.

"Leonessa." Dante pulled her into a hug, and she wiped her eyes to rid herself of her tears. "Never say you're sorry for that."

With that in mind, she picked the empty glass up, along with a small chunk of sea glass that caught her attention. It was crystalline blue, like a misplaced shard of ice. Despite the cool tone, it sent a warm feeling through her because of how familiar it was. To what exactly, Nadine didn't know, but she didn't question it. When she looked up, Dante was waiting for her halfway, but her gaze immediately drifted towards Bucky, and the sad smile he sent her way gave her a sense of security, as well as guilt for how she treated him.

"Can you give us a moment?" she asked Dante, but her eyes were still locked on Bucky.

Dante seemed unsure of leaving her, but one shared look between him and the super soldier was enough to convince him. So, he grabbed the keys to her bike, and pointed a threatening finger at her like an overprotective dad. "Don't stay out too late."

And with a laugh, he turned the motorcycle on, and he was gone, leaving Nadine to apologize in peace.

"I'm sorry, for snapping at you."

Bucky wasn't judging her, in fact, he seemed really worried. "Is it because of Jameson?"

"Yeah, I guess," she sighed, her fingers fiddling with the sea glass. "And the sphere, and, everything."

Bucky said nothing. Nadine took it as a cue to continue talking. "He's like a trigger." She leaned against the car door, her hand running through her tangled tresses. "Sometimes I hear his name and I lose it. I think about everything he made me do and I just... I get so angry, and guilty."

Her mind flashed to the last time she saw Jameson. SHIELD finally got a location on him, and she intercepted it. She escaped their academy, went after Emilia, and they found him before SHIELD did. "You took everything from me," she'd said, tears falling from her face as she finally faced her demon after two years. "You destroyed me."

"Wrong," he replied, his tone as level and intimidating as it'd always been. "I made you. Without me, you would've been the little girl no one would want. Now look at you. Samira, my chaos bringer."

"Nadine." Bucky's voice snapped her out of her thoughts. "Hey, it's okay. Just, talk to me."

"It's complicated," she replied, surprised at the vulnerability in her voice.

He sighed, placing his hands in his back pockets. "I don't mind."

"I don't know where to start."

"The beginning, maybe."

She didn't know what it was, maybe her trust in him, or that she was exhausted, but she told him. How she was born in Marrakesh, Morocco. How her parents wanted a better life, so they moved to the US. How they died in a car accident, leaving her an orphan. She told him about how the foster system failed and she was sent to Jameson and underwent his rigorous training to become a sniper. "He prepped me to join the Hand. They had one mission for me, though. Kill a SHIELD agent."

"Romanoff."

"Yeah, Natasha," she confirmed. "I failed, obviously. I was almost eighteen, and she hated how much I reminded her of herself, so she got me out. Emilia and Dante too."

Bucky snorted. "I figured. You three seem like a package deal."

Nadine couldn't help it, she laughed. God, laughing felt good. "Yeah, we are. Anyway, I thought Jameson's death would get him out of my head, but it didn't. He's still there."

He was quiet for a minute, and it was almost like she could see the gears turning in his head as he thought about what to say. "HYDRA had a set of trigger words for when they needed Winter... whoever knew them, they, uh, they'd say the words, and Winter would appear. No way out of it."

"Do they still work?" Nadine asked quietly. She couldn't imagine the amount of anxiety it'd give her to think that someone could utter a word and she'd be lost in herself, her sense of control nonexistent.

"I don't think so. I feel, calmer, now. Like my head's clearer. But all I can hope for is that I can handle the shit that they did to me. I hope you do, too."

"Thank you, for... for coming."

"Well, we've been through enough for me to start worrying about you," Bucky joked, and for a second, she thought his smile seemed wistful, as if full of longing. "Just know that I'm here for you. Always."

And she didn't need any other confirmation, because she knew that it was true. The indescribable feeling in her heart was enough. "I know, and I don't need anything else other than that."