#COMM

Chapter 33

To say that my heart was beating wildly inside my chest would be the understatement of the year! I think to say that I was on the verge of a heart attack would be more apt! It was only a little over ten minutes, but it felt like the rest of my life.

And they wonder why we seldom visit them.

"Ma..." I gently called. She turned back, smiling at me. How could she smile?! Gosh! Muntik na ako ma-heart attack dahil kay Lola! I mean, she didn't ask me anything naman, but still! There's really something talaga na sobrang off putting.

Or baka naman paranoid lang ako?

Ugh.

This was all Justin's fault! Ever since he came into my life, puro problems na lang dala niya talaga! Sarap saktan!

"Are we in trouble?" I asked.

"Trouble?" she repeated.

I nodded. "I mean, our family? GDL? Or maybe de Marco?" I asked. I couldn't exactly pinpoint but during my brief but terrifying conversation with Abuela, I felt na there's something wrong. She kept on hinting kasi na I should befriend Justin.

That it would be nice daw if I make friends—rather connections with a Ramirez.

Abuela never asked me of anything. So, hearing her hint na I should keep Justin close was making me so freaking curious.

Mama shrugged. "If anything, you should ask your Dad." I frowned. Mama laughed. "You know that as much as I can, I try not to concern myself with politics," sabi niya. I sighed. I understood naman. I mean, same. I try naman not to meddle with anything politics related because I was super aware na sobrang gulo ng world na 'yun...

I didn't want to get dragged!

But with Justin keen on dragging me into this mess, I was left with no choice! Tapos si Abuela pa! Gosh! Gusto ko lang naman ng tahimik na lovelife and steady career, but bakit ako nadadamay sa ganito?!

"Fine..." I replied, sighing. "But if you hear anything..."

Mama laughed. "I'll surely tell you."

Gosh.

Why did I have to be born into a political clan?

* * *

"Hi, Ma'am!" Kellan greeted. He's the only one who could go out of the guesthouse because Nico's still in the process of healing. But thankfully, konti na lang naman and he'd be good as new na ulit.

"Hi..." I greeted back rather dimly.

"Punta po tayo kay Sir Jasper ngayon?" he asked while we were walking side by side. Hindi ko rin alam where Evan was, but maybe he went home. I didn't know. I was just really so out of it the past few days. Iyong problema ko kay Justin na lang talaga iyong nasa isip ko.

Na kung paano ko ba 'yun malulusutan.

And what the hell he really wanted from me.

I nodded. "But daan muna tayo kay Addie," I replied. I walked mindlessly again. Papa didn't come home last night kasi may meeting pa raw siya somewhere else. And if he just came home from a meeting that sounded super important, we all knew that that's never a good time to ask him of anything. Super pressured kasi si Papa sa work niya, so we try not to add to the pile. Buti na lang super busy din ng brothers ko with basketball so parang may mga sariling mundo lang din kami sa bahay.

"Hey!" bati ko kay Addie nung nakita ko siya. "Haven't seen you in a while," I said.

She shrugged. "What can I do for you?"

I eyed her. "Grabe. Do I visit you lang if I need something?"

She nodded. "Yeah, but I really don't mind," she replied. "So..."

I sighed. I knew naman na I could trust her to be on my side always. Besides, Addie's the one who's aware of almost everything. At saka if hindi niya rin alam what's up with the fam, she could always ask her twin naman. Pretty sure na Maven's up to date sa mga nangyayari kasi so far, siya pa rin talaga 'yung groomed to be the next president from the clan.

I began to tell her about everything na nangyari sa house. Alam niya naman 'yung problem with Justin, so I didn't have to include that. I just probably sounded really problematic because...

If my Abuela had to interfere? Might as well shake my knees in fear.

"So, do they have a problem ba? Kasi as far as I'm concerned, Abuelo's okay naman with those poll in politics or whatever, right?" I asked.

Addie looked like she was deep in thought. "The Ramirez are from Ilocos," she stated. I just nodded. I didn't know naman kung saang sulok ng impyerno galing 'yung si Justin.

"So?"

Addie looked at me like I was a babe lost in the city. "They control the north."

"So?" I asked again, still not getting the sense na why kailangan ako makipagclose kay Justin?! Bakit?!

Addie sighed. "If what I think is true that Abuelo's new rival controls Davao and Cagayan, then Abuelo must be really desperate to make friends with the Ramirez's."

"I don't understand," I said.

"You're the offering," she replied.

"The what?"

She pointed at me. "You. You're being offered. You're the offering."

"I'm the fucking what?" hindi makapaniwala na sabi ko. I still didn't understand everything fully, but I already hated what I could understand! That what?! They were so freaking desperate to get the support of the North that they'd pimp me?!

"Offering," she repeating just to annoy me. Binagalan niya pa iyong pagsasalita ng bawat syllable! Ugh! Minsan talaga I just hate how emotionless siya—both sila ng kambal niya! Ang lakas mang-inis!

"If it's true that Abuelo already lost the South, then he must be really desperate to be in the good graces of the one who controls the North," Addie said, shrugging like everything's freaking fine! Hell, I was being offered! 'Di ako aware na uso pa pala 'yun! "Pretty sure one of these days, you'll see more of that Ramirez," she said with a hint of distaste. "A bunch of jackasses, you'll see."

"No," I said, shaking my head in fear of what's to come. "They can't do that to me."

"Apparently, they can," she said, looking me straight in the eye as if to tell me that this was really happening. "You know them, Mags. Nothing's off-limits when it comes to keeping the power. Not even you."

* * *

I tried to calm myself down nang papunta na kami kay Jasper. Truth be told, I was really bothered. Alam ko naman na tama si Addie... If what she said was true, then Abuelo would really do anything to ensure that the election would end in his favor.

And I knew that he wouldn't hesitate to ask me to do this for him.

For the family.

But what if I didn't want to?

Kaya ko bang sabihin?

Could I say no? Did I really have a choice?

Or was having an option just an illusion?

Pero... kung sasabihin ko ba iyong tungkol sa amin ni Jasper, would they leave me alone? Would they respect me and my choice? Would they promise not to do anything to me?

Or to Jasper?

"Kellan," I said.

"Yes, Ma'am?"

"What's the worst thing someone can do to you?" I asked him.

"Magutom," seryosong sagot niyan.

I frowned. "Serious kasi."

Napa-kamot siya sa batok niya. "Ang serious naman kasi ng tanong mo, Ma'am!" sabi niya. "Pero wala talaga akong maisip, Ma'am... Kasi sa trabaho namin, parang everyday is my last day. Ganon. Kaya yolo lang ako palagi. Malay ko ba kung patay na ko bukas?" diretso na sagot niya. "Bakit mo natanong, Ma'am?"

I sighed. "Nothing..."

Hindi naman siguro aabot sa ganon.

I knew that my family loves me... Siguro naman if nalaman nila na I have Jasper in my life, they'd respect it and respect me. Tao naman ako. Hindi ako bagay na pwede nilang kontrolin.

And especially not my feelings.

That couldn't be dictated.

But truth be told, with politics involved, I didn't think that anything's off-limits anymore. I'd seen it happen to some of my cousins, but I didn't want to live it.

* * *

Before entering the hospital, I just followed the usual protocol—I wore a baseball cap and shades. I just really wanted to see Jasper. To see my calm in the middle of the storm. Because after everything that I'd heard and learned today, I just needed him to tell me that everything's gonna be fine.

That the worst had already passed, and things had no way but to get better.

"Hey," he said upon seeing me. His face was healing already. Still a bit far from that, but he'd get there.

I smiled at him.

It took a lot from me to smile.

I just... felt too much too soon.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

I nodded, then came near him. I pulled the chair close to his bed, and sat on it. Tapos, dahan-dahan ko na pinatong iyong ulo ko sa kama niya. I felt him placing his hand on the top of my head.

"Problem?" he asked. He was gently patting my head, and it felt really comforting. It just really amazes me how one people could make everything better. Na even if you feel like the universe conspired against you, sometimes, it just really takes one special person to make you feel otherwise.

I held my head up, and looked at him.

I smiled.

"I'm fine na," I said. I just looked at him, and told myself that it's gonna be fine. Jasper wouldn't leave me... and I wouldn't leave him.

I wouldn't leave him without putting up a fight.

"Hey," sabi ko nung naka-tingin lang siya sa akin. Alam ko naman na 'di siya naniniwala na ayos lang ako kasi si Jasper 'yan. Iyong tipo na hindi ko pa alam tungkol sa sarili ko, ramdam niya na agad. It's just futile lying to him. "About the vacation..." I said.

He sighed. He really hated the idea.

"I just don't know how long until Mom realizes that something happened," paliwanag ko sa kanya. How long it would take until my entire family learned about what happened. And with the rate things were going, they definitely didn't need a bad publicity. Baka mas lalo nilang kailanganin na mapalapit ako kay Justin.

Jasper looked at me. I fought the urge to bite my lower lip. Justin really did a number on his face. Gusto ko ring mambugbog!

"You really want to leave?" he asked.

Slowly, I nodded. "Ito lang naman 'yung choice..."

"It's your choice," he replied.

My lips parted. "I don't want to leave," I said, keeping my calm. Akala ba niya madali sa akin? Para na akong mababaliw! All I wanted to do was to be with him, but that wasn't that simple! Ang dami kong kailangang isipin, kailangang i-consider!

Hindi na lang naman 'to tungkol sa akin.

He changed that when he shot someone!

"Then don't," he said.

"It's not that simple."

"You're the one who's complicated."

Tuluyan nang umawang ang labi ko. Hindi ko alam pero biglang nagtubig iyong mata ko. Did he really think that this was easy for me? To just fucking leave everything?!

To concede because it felt like there was no chance of winning?

Not even the slightest of odds.

Tumingin ako sa kanya. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sasabihin. Kilala ko si Jasper. If I tell him about my concern... about his safety, he'd just tell me not to think about it too much.

That he'd be okay.

That we'd be okay.

Pero hindi kasi ganon. Iba. Hindi ko alam kung maiintindihan niya ba na iba... na seryoso 'to. Na hindi ko alam kung hanggang saan 'yung kayang gawin ng pamilya ko para lang makuha 'yung gusto niya. And I didn't want Jasper to play hero. Because the thing about heroes? They all die.

"You should know that this is not easy for me, as well," tahimik na paliwanag ko sa kanya. I wanted him to at least realize that this was hard for me, too.

"Nothing is ever easy, Siobhan," he said, looking straight into my eyes. "Sometimes, you just got to dive in, and figure out the rest."

I wanted to smile.

My Jasper.

So fucking brave.

But I didn't want his bravery to be his death. Because that's just who he was—sacrificing himself for someone else.

"Just tell them," he said.

Biglang umawang iyong labi ko. "What?"

"About us. Tell them," seryosong sabi niya.

Umiling ako. "No. Justin will..." hindi ko matuloy iyong sasabihin ko. Hindi ko rin alam kung ano ang gusto ni Justin. But all I knew was that he didn't like Jasper in my life.

"Don't worry about me. I'll be fine," he said, but not even an inch of that I believed.