#COMM

Chapter 40

"JJ, stop that!" I said as he snatched the book from my hand. "Give me that!" I shouted, running after him. But this boy, my god! He has the energy of ten horses! I could never keep up with him! I tried, so hard, but he's just so full of energy!

"You're not paying any attention to me!" he shouted, still running around with my book on his hand.

"Because Mommy's working!" I shouted.

"You're always working! Don't you love me?"

I stopped, putting my hands on my waist. "Jasper Alexander Ybañez Jr.," I said, making him stop. He knew that if I call him by his full name, I was dead serious. "Give me my book."

JJ stopped and walked towards me, his head bowed down. "Here..." he said through his pouty lips. I wanted to be mad at him, I really wanted to... Sobrang kulit niya... but every time I'd look at him? Any anger or annoyance I felt just magically melts away.

He's got everything from his Dad.

And I could never get mad at that face.

I got the book from his hand, and I kneeled in front of him. I cupped his face with my hands.

"JJ, of course Mommy loves you. I'm working so we can eat," I reminded him.

"Are we poor, Mommy?" he asked, looking worried.

I bit my lip to stop myself from laughing. "We're not... but if you won't let Mommy work, we might be poor soon."

JJ's turning four in a few months. He's always asking me if he has cousins like his classmates... or if he has uncles... I was so tempted to tell him that he has lots of uncles who would spoil him rotten... but I always stopped myself.

He's safer here...

He's much safer here...

I knew that Jasper would hate me more because I was hiding our son... but what choice did I have? Kapag nalaman ni Justin na may anak kami, what if he wanted to ruin our lives again? Paano na ngayon na may anak kami?

"We always have food," he said, pouting.

"And we won't have food anymore if you won't let Mommy work."

He sighed. "Then, can you please bring me with you the next time you go back to the Philippines? I promise I'll behave!"

My heart broke at the sight of him raising his hand as if he was promising me that he'd be a good kid... Gusto ko rin naman siyang dalhin sa Pilipinas... I wanted him to meet his Uncles... To meet the whole family...

But Justin...

Justin scared me...

Even if my whole family could protect me, it would only take one bullet to end a life... Kagaya nang nangyari dati...

"Okay," I said, smiling, but I knew in my heart that there's no way I'd bring him to the Philippines...

At least, not in the foreseeable future.

* * *

"You have to come home," Dad said.

I groaned. "I just went there a few months ago," I said. I was in the middle of making a proposal for work when Dad decided to call me. They knew about JJ... silang dalawa lang ni Mom. I knew that if ever my brothers learn about JJ, they'd hate me for hiding him... but really, I just wanted the best for my son.

The fewer people who know about his existence, the better. I just couldn't risk it.

"You have to come home for Cindy's wedding."

My forehead creased. I actually put down the book I was reading. "She's getting married? Kanino?"

"To Parker."

My eyes widened. "Really..." I said, unable to believe it. I'm not close to Cindy, I'd never really talked to her much... Maybe it's because I feel like I needed to be loyal to my Mom... It's not Cindy's fault, but still... I felt like I owed it to my Mom to not be that close to Cindy. She's close naman with my brothers, so there's that.

"Yes. So, you have to come home for the preparation."

Hindi agad ako naka-sagot.

"Bring JJ."

"Dad..."

"It's been so long, Maggie. Everything's different now. Why are you still scared?" he asked.

Hindi agad ako naka-sagot. How would I even explain my side? He wasn't there when it all went down... until now, it was as if I could still hear the shots getting fired...

"I'm not scared..."

"Then come home already. I don't want JJ to grow up there. He has a life waiting here in the Philippines."

The whole day, I kept on thinking about Dad's words... I could come home... That has always been an option, alam ko naman... But as a mother, I wanted the best for JJ... I just wanted him safe.

Hindi ko naman siya gustong itago. Gusto ko rin naman siyang ipakilala kay Jasper... I never intended to hide him from anyone... but every time I'd remember that Justin's still around, anxiety just quickly creeps into my system.

The mere mention of his name was enough to make my knees shiver in fear.

"Mommy..."

My thoughts were halted when I heard JJ calling me. I looked at him and immediately calmed down. Agad akong napa-ngiti. I love looking at his face... He's the reminder that once in my life, I was happy...

"What?"

"My assignment," he said, handing over a blank sheet of paper. My brow arched. "Teacher said that I should make a family tree. I only know you and Daddy... You said that Daddy is a soldier, right?"

I smiled and nodded. "Yes. He's the bravest."

His eyes twinkled. "Does he know how to shoot?"

I nodded. "Yes, he's a sniper, you know?"

He clapped his hands. "Please, I wanna meet him, Mommy! I promise that I'll behave!"

My heart constricted again. Should I bring him home? Should I introduce him to his family? Pero paano kapag—

Shit. Ganito na lang ba ako palagi? Would I always live in fear because of Justin? He already stole five years of my life! Hanggang kailan ko ba hahayaan siya na takutin ako?

"Please, mommy? I wanna see Daddy..." JJ pleaded. "Does Daddy hate me?"

Agad na nanlaki ang mga mata ko. "No!" I quickly replied.

"He doesn't want to see me?"

"JJ..."

"Please, Mommy? I just want to meet him..." he said before he turned around and slowly walked away.

I watched until he was gone from my sight. I was conflicted. I knew that I was being unfair by hiding him here in Europe...

"JJ," I quickly called him. Sobrang bilis niyang humarap sa akin. There was a little grin on his face. This kid! Alam na alam talaga kung paano ako paikutin! He knew how to guilt-trip me! Hindi ko alam kung saan siya nagmana! Hindi naman ganyan si Jasper!

"Yes, Mommy?"

I walked towards him and kneeled. "If we go—"

"I promise I'll behave!" he shouted, cutting me off.

"Yes, that, but also—"

He raised his hand. "I promise to do anything that you want, Mommy! Just bring me to the Philippines! I wanna meet Dad and my other family! You said we have a big family, right? I wanna meet them all!"

Pasikip lang nang pasikip ang puso ko. Seeing JJ this excited made me even guiltier... I felt like I stole his life from him... Na kahit buhay siya, this wasn't the life that he deserved...

"Okay... You'll follow whatever Mommy says, okay?"

He nodded, showing me his toothy grin.

Buong linggo, puro pag-uwi lang sa Pilipinas ang bukambibig ni JJ. Kahit Saturday pa ang flight namin, Monday pa lang ay naka-ayos na lahat ng gamit niya. He even inserted his school report card in his bag! Ipapakita niya raw sa Daddy niya na mataas ang grades niya...

My heart was going crazy. JJ may know about Jasper... but Jasper didn't know about JJ...

I didn't know how he'd react...

But I knew he'd love JJ. He's his son... he's my little version of him.

Pero hindi ko rin maaalis sa kanya kung magagalit siya sa akin. I just decided what's best during that time... And I had to decide fast.

Saturday came by so fast. It was as if the heavens granted JJ's wish para bumilis ang takbo ng panahon. The flight was long and tedious, but JJ couldn't sleep. He'd just take naps, and then he'd stay awake and ask me things about Jasper. Hindi pa niya nakikita talaga si Jasper, but the way his eyes sparkle every time he'd hear his name? It's like Jasper's been there all his life...

And I was happy. It felt like it was a job well done for me... Ayoko kasi na magalit si JJ kay Jasper... Wala namang may gusto nito...

"Are we near already, Mommy?" he asked, looking outside the window.

I looked at my watch. "A little longer. Why don't you nap again? I'll wake up when we arrive."

He vehemently shook his head. "No. I want to be awake. Will we go to Daddy, Mommy? I wanna change my clothes first before I meet him. Do we go to his house, Mommy?"

I pursed my lips. Ang dami niyang tanong... mga tanong na wala naman akong sagot. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nangyari kay Jasper... I just couldn't bring myself to be updated with what's happening with him... Alam ko kasi na madali akong bibigay kapag palagi akong makakarinig ng tungkol sa kanya...

"No more questions, JJ."

"But—"

"You promised that you'll follow me. Now, take a nap."

He sighed. "Okay..." he said as he closed his eyes.

My heart kept on beating wildly as I watched the plane descend. Kitang-kita ko ang pagbukas ng mga mata ni JJ nang i-announce na nasa Pilipinas na kami. It's almost like he didn't sleep and just waited for our arrival.

"We're here, Mommy!" he said, smiling wildly as the people around us began to fix their things. JJ kept on talking while I kept on worrying. Habang naghihintay kami ng gamit namin sa carousel, kanina pa ako naka-tingin sa phone ko.

"Who are we meeting, Mommy?" JJ kept on asking.

I ignored his questions as my eyes started to look for a familiar face. I sighed when I saw her.

"Addie!" I said, smiling wildly.

She arched her brow. "Is that the little rascal?" she asked, looking at JJ who's now glaring at her for calling him a little rascal.

"He has a name," I said.

JJ cocked his head. "Mommy's right. I have a name."

Natawa si Addie. "He's got your attitude, Maggie," she said, then opened her arms. "Are you back for good?" she asked as we hugged.

Hinigpitan ko ang yakap sa kanya. "I don't know..." I replied. "JJ," I said. "You'll stay with your Aunt Addie first."

His eyes widened. "But Mommy!"

Addie rolled her eyes. "Drama queen."

"You're mean!" JJ shouted.

Napa-iling na lang ako. Si Addie pa lang 'to! Paano pa iyong mga kapatid ko? Baka paiyakin nila si JJ.

"Sa 'yo muna si JJ, ha?" bilin ko. "Dun muna siya sa condo mo. 'Wag mo siyang papalabasin kahit magpumilit."

Addie nodded. "Fine. Pero saan ka pupunta?" she asked.

I smiled, then bit my lips. "I have to see Jasper... I have to talk to him," I whispered as I looked at JJ. I wanted Jasper to be prepared... Na kung magagalit man siya, sa akin muna... I didn't want JJ to be the first to receive his wrath...

Addie scoffed. "I'll send you his new address," she said as she got JJ's things. "Good luck. You'll need lots of that."