#COMM

Chapter 46

Jasper almost flew his way towards JJ's room. Hindi pa man ako nakaka-galaw sa kinatatayuan ko ay nandoon na agad siya sa kwarto ni JJ.

"Wait," Addie said when I attempted to take my first step. "Here," she said, handing me a pack of tissue. "Wipe your tears. Don't make JJ hate his Dad more."

Hindi agad ako naka-galaw dahil sa sinabi ni Addie. I didn't want JJ to hate Jasper. I tried to explain to him what was happening, but it seemed like JJ's mind was already closed for any explanation. Ang mahalaga lang sa kanya, nakita niya ako na umiiyak... It's almost like he already concocted inside his head that Jasper's the enemy and that we should leave immediately...

Matapos kong punasan ang luha ko, huminga ako nang malalim. Addie was right. I shouldn't cry in front of JJ. I didn't want him involved in this mess. This was the very reason why I chose to leave instead of staying. I wanted to protect him from the things that might hurt him...

"JJ," I heard Jasper saying, but JJ wasn't looking at him. My heart hurt when I saw both of our bags lying on the floor. He wasn't only packing his things—he's also packing mine.

"JJ," I called. "Your Dad's talking to you."

But JJ was deaf to all our calls. He was sitting on the floor, folding our clothes and putting them inside the bags. Napa-pikit na lang ako. I really didn't know where he got that trait! He's such a sweet boy until you get him mad. That's when he'd shut up and never talk to you again.

I stepped inside and sat beside him. "JJ..." malambing kong tawag sa kanya. "We're not leaving the Philippines." He continued to pack. "How will you even leave, huh? Do you know the way to the airport? Do you have money to buy your ticket?" I asked while caressing the top of his head.

He snapped his head towards me. "I want to leave."

"Why?"

He looked at Jasper, and I wished he didn't do that because that look of hurt and betrayal in his eyes were just too much... even for me... paano pa kay Jasper?

"I don't want to stay here anymore."

I bit my lower lip. "But why? You were the one who's very excited to go home, right? You were very excited to meet your Dad..."

He nodded. "I already met him. I'm fine with that."

Agad akong napa-pikit. Gusto ko siyang pagalitan, pero natatakot ako na baka mas lalo siyang magdamdam. I didn't want to further the drift. I was afraid that he'd be more closed off if I'd lecture him.

"JJ..." Jasper called. He kneeled so he's face to face with his son. "Please don't leave."

I stared at JJ's face as he was trying his best to fight his tears. But my son's wasn't that strong yet. Kitang-kita ko kung paano nagtutubig ang mga mata niya... kung paano isa-isang bumabagsak ang luha niya.

"I wanna leave. You're just hurting my mom."

"He's not hurting me," I said.

"Stop lying, Mommy. I saw you cry," he said, facing Jasper as his tears continued to flow. "You made Mommy cry once, and I was ready to forgive you for that. But you made her cry again. I hate you."

Muli na naman siyang bumalik sa pag-e-empake. I was afraid to see the look on Jasper's face. It hurt. It hurt a lot. Naririnig ko pa lang iyong sinasabi ni JJ, nasasaktan na ako... Paano pa siya na sinasabihan ni JJ?

I stood up and asked Jasper to leave the room. I knew my son. There's nothing that we could say now that would matter to him. His mind's too closed off. He needed time and space to think.

"He's not leaving, Siobhan," Jasper said, his eyes red with tears. "I won't let you two leave."

I could feel my heart breaking as I stared at him while he was crying. I wanted to apologize because I knew that the choice I made years ago was causing him this much pain. He already lost Evan... and now, his son hates him... I wanted to take Jasper's pain away, but I didn't know how...

"We won't leave," I assured him.

"I won't let you leave."

"Jasper—"

Hindi ko natuloy ang sasabihin ko nang lumuhod siya sa harap ko. Hindi ako maka-galaw. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko.

"Please... I don't want him to hate me..." he said, his face damped with tears and his shoulders shaking as he broke down before me.

Agad akong lumuhod at hinawakan ang mukha niya. "Jasper, he doesn't hate you. Please stop crying. Hindi siya galit sa 'yo. 'Wag kang umiyak, please..." I said as I felt my heart breaking over and over again as I watched him get shattered.

But he didn't stop crying. I held him in my arms, telling him that his son loves him...

* * *

I told Jasper to stay. I told him that he wouldn't leave until JJ talked to him. Nang bumukas ang pinto mula sa kwarto ni JJ, may dala-dala siyang trolley mula sa likod niya.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"Paris," he said like it's so easy to go back there.

"You don't have a ticket, young mister."

His pressed his lips together. "I'll go to the embassy. They'll help me. I'm their citizen." Umawang ang labi ko. This brat! Desidido talaga siyang bumalik sa Paris!

JJ's eyes darted at Jasper who was quietly watching him. His lips slightly parted upon realization that Jasper's eyes were extremely red from crying. I knew that that threw JJ off. Hindi siya iiyakan ng tatay niya kung hindi siya nito mahal. If only he'd listen to that.

"You wanna leave? Fine, let's leave," I said.

Jasper looked alarmed, but I turned my back against JJ, and mouthed, "Just follow."

Lumabas kami sa unit ni Addie. Sabay kaming naglakad ni Jasper dahil nasa likod namin si JJ dala-dala iyong trolley niya. This brat! Talagang nag-empake nga! Hanggang sa makababa kami sa parking lot, hindi pa rin nagsasalita si JJ.

"I'll drive," I said, and then Jasper handed over his key fob. I rode on the driver's seat habang nasa shotgun naman si Jasper. Nasa passenger seat iyong batang makulit.

When I took a right turn, Jasper looked at me with confusion. "This isn't—"

"Stay quiet," I whispered as I took the road opposite the airport.

JJ stayed quiet at the back while I was driving. Napailing na lang ako dahil naka-cross arms pa siya habang naka-tingin sa labas. Ayaw talaga kaming pansinin.

We were already 30 minutes deep in driving when JJ finally noticed that something's wrong.

"This isn't the way to the airport!" he said when he started to see rice fields on the side of the expressway. "Mommy!" he shouted.

"You wanna leave, right? We're leaving!"

"I wanna leave for Paris, not this!"

I shrugged. "You weren't clear."

"And I don't wanna go with him!" sabi niya sabay turo kay Jasper.

Huminga ako nang malalim. Ayokong pagalitan si JJ, pero sumusobra na siya kay Jasper. Parang dati lang sobrang excited niya na makita ito, ngayon naman parang kung pwede lang itulak palabas si Jasper at iwan sa palayan, gagawin niya.

"That's your father you're talking to, JJ. Show some respect. I didn't raise you like that."

He shut his mouth. "Sorry..."

"Sorry what?"

He clenched his jaw. "Sorry, Daddy..."

"Good," I said, looking at him through the rearview mirror. "Now, sleep first. I'll wake you up when we're there."

JJ quickly fell asleep. He must've been tired from all that 'packing' that he did. I could see how Jasper was watching him from the rearview mirror. His face softened at the mere sight of JJ...

"He'll get over it," I said.

"I don't want him to get over it. I want him to understand."

I briefly looked at him. "I'll explain to him everything that happened, okay? He'll understand, Jasper. He really loves you, you know?"

He smiled bitterly. "I don't think so."

"He does... Back in Paris, he'd always tell stories about you in school. He always asks me to tell him stories about you, and he'd tell those stories in school," I told him. "You also have a picture in his nightstand. I always catch him talking to your picture before he falls asleep. He loves you."

Jasper covered his face with his hands.

"On your birthdays, he'd always come home with a cupcake that he'd buy from the bakery near us. Then we'd sing you a song and celebrate," I continued. "You know what his yearly wish was? To go home and see you."

Huminga ako nang malalim. I looked at my two stubborn boys. I hope that they'd stop fighting and just be okay. That's all I asked.

When we stopped by a gasoline station, Jasper took over driving. He was quiet during the entire drive. Nakikita ko lang siya na sumisilip para tignan si JJ. It's almost like he's afraid that he'd vanish and be on his way to Paris...

We finally reached our destination. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit kami nandito. When we were nearing Zambales, that's when I decided to look for an available rest house or beach.

"JJ," I said, gently tapping his cheek. His eyes fluttered and he yawned. "We're here already."

He stretched his arms and looked around. His eyes widened upon realization that we're in a beach. I could see the excitement on his face, but that was quickly masked by his desire to be 'mad' at Jasper.

Pagpasok namin sa loob, maayos na ang lahat doon. I didn't even know for how long we'd be staying... Ang alam ko lang, hindi kami aalis dito hanggang hindi nagbabati iyong dalawa.

"Choose where you wanna sleep," I told JJ.

"I'll sleep with you," he said, and then glaring at Jasper.

I rolled my eyes. "Fine."

Nang maka-alis si JJ, tinignan ko si Jasper. "Sorry if biglaan... He really annoyed me earlier... Baka kasi may kailangan kang gawin sa office... Or kay Kylie..."

My heart throbbed once again. Si Kylie... Naiintindihan ko kung bakit inaway niya si JJ... Ang sakit na ang bata pa lang niya pero nawala na agad sa kanya ang mga magulang niya... Alam ko naman na maiintindihan ni JJ iyon... We just needed to explain so that he'd understand...

Jasper shook his head. "I already called Helene. She'll look after her."

"Hindi ka ba niya hahanapin?" I asked. From what I could get, si Jasper na ang itinuturing na tatay ni Kylie... Kaya siguro takot na takot siya nang ipinakilala si JJ.

Jasper smiled a little. "She's looking for me. But JJ's my priority."

"Jasper..."

"I need JJ to be okay with me, Siobhan. I know I promised Evan that I'd look after Kylie, but I need my son to love me first," he said, that familiar look of anguish on his face again. "I need JJ not to hate me."

I nodded. I'd do everything for them to be okay. Walang aalis ng Zambales hanggang hindi sila nagkaka-ayos dalawa.

"You can teach JJ how to swim, Jasper. Walang beach malapit sa amin kaya hindi siya marunong lumangoy," I said. "I'll prepare our lunch. You two can play at the beach."

Jasper stood still. He was looking at JJ. He didn't know what to do or how to approach him—his own son.

"JJ!" I called. "You wanna know how to swim right?" I asked and he nodded fervidly. "Your Daddy will teach you," I continued as his face fell into the becomingly familiar frown.