#CTG05 Chapter 05

"Is there something you want to share, Charisse Faith?" Rory asked, her brows in full arch. Agad na napa-kunot ang noo ko. Ano na naman ang problema nito? "Ano 'yung kanina?"

"Ano'ng ano?" I asked.

"Yung kay Iñigo!" she said like that should mean something. Napa-tingin ako kay Yago. Kasalanan niya 'to. Rory wasn't like this when I first met her... Ngayon, kagaya na siya ni Yago na puro chismis.

"What about him?" I asked, trying to come up with a good mnemonic. Sobrang dami na ng kinkabisado ko. Sometimes, I felt like my head would explode from everything.

Sometimes, I felt like just... disappearing.

I wonder how would that fee like—to be free from people's expectation. Because most of the time, I feel like I couldn't breathe. I am so afraid of making mistakes that sometimes, I'd wake up in the middle of the night because I dreamed that I received a failing grade. And then I wouldn't be able to sleep again and instead, just study.

Because in my life, failure's not an option.

"Bakit mag pagngiti kanina?"

"You're hallucinating," I said before I stood up and carried my codal with me. Marami pa akong kailangang basahin at hindi ako matatapos kung patuloy na tatanungin ako ni Rory.

Lumabas ako ng classroom at naghanap ng pwedeng upuan habang naghihintay ng professor. I had a feeling that it'd be a free cut tonight because our prof wasn't usually late... And he also wasn't the kind of professor who'd tell us na walang pasok. I think it's his way of pressuring us into still studying. Minsan kasi kapag nawawalan ng pasok, tinatamad din mag-aral.

I was supposed to sit on my usual spot—iyong bench sa labas ng LSG pero nandun si Katherine at Jax. Tumingin ako ng iba pang pwedeng upuan pero puro madilim na sa ibang parte ng hallway. Ayoko namang bumaba pa para lang magbasa. Ayoko rin sa loob dahil maingay si Yago at Rory.

Bakit ba lagi ko silang problema? Gusto ko lang namang mag-aral.

Sighing, I decided to circle the building. Alam ko may pwesto sa labas ng auditorium sa second floor na pwedeng upuan, e. Kita pa iyong classroom namin mula roon kaya makaka-takbo ako kung sakaling dumating man si Sir—which I highly doubted.

Pero papalapit lang ako nang mapa-tigil na naman ako.

"Hey!" naka-ngiting tawag ni Iñigo nang makita niya ako. Maingay ba akong maglakad? Bakit naramdaman niya agad na nandito ako?

I gave him an awkward smile. Were we friends? I still didn't feel comfortable around him... But he's nice. Kinda.

"Mag-aaral ka rin?" he asked. I nodded. He tapped the space beside him. "May tao dun sa usual mo, no?" Kumunot ang noo ko. "Sina Jax... Dun ka sa pwesto nila usually nag-aaral, 'di ba?"

Tumango ako. "Okay lang naman," sagot ko. 'Di naman ako may-ari nung pwesto na 'yun. Saka baka mas okay na na 'dun sina Katherine at Jax. Baka sakaling matauhan na iyong ilan sa mga classmate ko na may crush kay Jax na may girlfriend na iyong tao.

"Di mo ako tatanungin kung bakit alam ko na 'dun ka nag-aaral?" he asked.

Umiling ako. Ang ingay din ng isang 'to. Saan ba ako matatahimik sa school na 'to?

Tumawa siya. "Sungit talaga, grabe," he said, and then tapped the space beside him again. "Dito ka na. Tahimik na ako, promise."

Dahil tahimik naman talaga siya nung last time na nag-aral kami, naupo ako sa tabi niya. I began to read the provisions again, making sure that I understood them clearly. Minsan kasi kapag may nalilimutan akong isang salita, nag-iiba iyong interpretation ng buong batas.

Nang ma-bore ako sa pagbabasa ng codal, nilabas ko iyong phone ko para sana magbasa muna ng cases.

"Grabe namang motivation," he said.

"Ha?"

"Yung wallpaper mo," he said. "The only thing that matters is how badly you want it."

"Privacy?"

He laughed. "Grabe! Nakita ko lang naman. Split second. 'Di naman tipo na binasa ko messages mo," he said, smiling at me. Ibinaba niya iyong hawak niya na codal ng civil law. Oblicon pa rin yata inaaral nito. Major in oblicon yata 'to. "Sobrang motivated mo no? Gustung-gusto mo talagang maging lawyer?"

I shrugged. "Okay lang."

"Okay lang 'yung pagka-gusto mong maging lawyer sa lagay na 'yan?" he asked. I only looked at him. He smiled and then raised his hands. "Sorry. I didn't mean to pry. Aral na ulit tayo."

He resumed to studying.

I did, too.

I didn't like talking about feelings.It's weird. It makes me feel weird. I'd rather shove it all in... kung sumabog, at least one-time ko na lang na poproblemahin. I didn't want to think about feelings everyday. I had things in my list that I needed to check off.

"Cha!"

Agad akong napa-tingin sa kanya. Nanlalaki iyong mga mata niya. Naka-turo siya sa akin. Agad akong napa-tingin sa codal ko. Shit!

I tried to get tissues from my bag pero naalala ko na nasa classroom nga pala iyong bag ko. Tatayo na sana ako para pumunta sa CR pero natigilan ako nang iabot sa akin ni Iñigo iyong panyo niya. I looked at him and saw that he's got this worried look on his face.

"Thank you," I said as I tried to wipe the blood from my nose. Yumuko ako para lumabas pa iyong iba. Ang hassle naman! Ito iyong ayoko, e. 'Yung codal ko!

"Tara sa clinic," sabi niya.

"Ayos lang ako."

"Ano'ng ayos d'yan?" he asked, pointing at me who still had my head hanging low dahil hindi pa rin tumitigil iyong paglabas ng dugo sa ilong ko.

From my peripheral vision, I saw Katherine running. Nandun na yata iyong prof nila sa oblicon.

"Nandyan na prof mo," sabi ko. I tried to sit down but I felt the blood running from my nose still. Ang hassle naman!

"Samahan muna kita sa clinic," he said.

"Okay lang ako."

"You don't look okay," he said.

"This normally happens, okay? I'm fine," I said, really wanting him to leave because his class was about to start. Obli pa naman yata iyong class niya. Alam ko na kinakabahan siya sa class na iyon dahil nagpaturo pa nga siya sa akin nung huling beses na magkasama kami, e.

"Just because it normally happens doesn't make it fine, okay?" he shot back. He stood up, codal in his hand and then other, offering to help me stand up. "Tara na sa clinic."

I looked up at him. "Nandyan na prof mo."

"E 'di male-late ng sandali," sagot niya. "Tara na kasi. Baka maubos 'yung dugo mo."

Inirapan ko siya. "Di mauubos iyong dugo ko, okay? Alam mo ba kung ilang litro ng dugo—"

"Mamaya ka na magtrivia kapag nasa clinic na tayo," he said, holding me by my arm as we went down the stairs. I felt him hurrying his steps. Kinakabahan yata baka matawag sa recit.

"Pupunta ako sa clinic, promise. Bumalik ka na sa room mo," I said.

"Okay nga lang—"

"Paano kapag natawag ka?"

"E 'di natawag."

"Obli 'yun."

"Wala akong paki," he answered, opening the door of the clinic. Napa-tingin sa amin iyong nurse. "Nurse—"

"Cha," Jenny said. Kilala ko na siya. Lagi akong nasa clinic. "Nosebleed?"

I nodded and then she began to assist me. Tumingin ako kay Iñigo. "Okay na ko. Balik ka na sa room." He was still standing there, like he wasn't sure kung iiwan na ba niya ako dito o ano. "Balik ka na. Kulit nito."

"Lagi kang nandito?" he asked, instead.

I nodded again. "Balik ka na sa room." He sighed and then looked at his watch. "Bumalik ka na kasi 'dun. Ang kulit naman nito."

"Maaga nagpapa-dismiss 'yun. Hintayin mo ko? Hatid kita sa inyo."

Kumunot ang noo ko. Takot ba siya sa dugo? Hindi ko naman ikakamatay 'to. Sabi ng doctor ko, sa stress lang daw 'to. Nothing serious. Stressed ako tuwing nasa school. Baka matigil lang 'to kapag may Atty na naka-kabit sa simula ng pangalan ko.

"Okay," sabi ko na lang kahit wala naman akong balak hintayin siya. All I really needed him to do was to go back to his classroom. I'd blame myself kung matawag siya sa recit tapos wala siya dahil sinamahan niya ako sa clinic. Alam ko kung gaano ka-importante ang bawat recit lalo na at finals na ngayon.

Kinausap ni Iñigo iyong nurse bago siya bumalik. Ang daming bilin.

"Boyfriend mo, Cha?" Jenny asked.

"Hindi."

"Bakit? Cute kaya. Bagay kayo."

"Busy ako."

"Busy din 'yun. Ayaw mo nun? Study date kayo. Parehas na law student. Pero feel ko bagay talaga sa 'yo doctor para maalaga, e. Gusto mo ba? Hanap kita. Bagay sa 'yo pedia para mahaba pasensya."

Hindi na ako sumagot. I realized that sometimes, the best answer is silence. Lalo na kapag alam ko na wala namang sense kahit pa suamgot ako dahil may nabuo ng sagot sa utak iyong kausap ko, I'd tell myself to be silent and just conserve my energy.

After a while, tumayo na ako.

"Aalis ka na?" she asked. I nodded. "Sabi nung kasama mo hihintayin mo siya, ah?"

"Ah... Kukunin ko lang bag ko sa classroom," I just said para matigil na ang usapan. Dumiretso ako sa classroom. Nakita ko si Jax na naka-upo mag-isa sa bench.

"Favor?" I asked. "Kunin mo naman bag ko sa room."

"Uuwi ka na?" he asked.

I nodded. "Hindi naman na papasok 'yun..." He was looking at the drops of blood on my clothes, but Jax didn't ask. Buti pa siya hindi nagtatanong kapag hindi siya concerned. I really couldn't blame myself na naging crush ko siya.

Jax managed to get my things from the room quietly. Akala ko kasabay na lalabas ng bag ko iyong si Rory at Yago, e. Nagpasalamat lang ako kay Jax bago nagsimulang bumaba. Sana lang talaga tama ako na absent iyong prof ko. Ayoko na rin kasing pumasok sa room na may dugo iyong damit ko. I hated explaining myself to people.

I was standing outside, tissue stuffed in my nose, waiting for my ride.

"Kulit mo talaga, no?"

I sighed. "Gusto mo talagang ma-delay, no?"

"Natawag na ko," he replied, then smiled a little. "Salamat pala. Natanong sa 'kin 'yung sinabi mo sa 'kin nung isang araw."

I smiled a little. Good for him. "Umalis ka sa room?" I asked.

"Technically, nagCR lang ako," he said, his hands inside his pocket. "Sabi ko hintayin mo ako. Bakit aalis ka na?"

Tumingin ako sa phone ko at nakita na medyo malayo pa iyong sakay ko pauwi. "Hindi mo naman ako kailangan ihatid. 'Di ako bata."

Iñigo stood there, hands still inside his pockets, but his eyes looked at me like he was trying to bore a hole in my face. "Can I make an observation?" he asked.

"No."

He smiled softly. "Why... are you so scared of being taken cared of? It's okay to be independent... but it's okay to be dependent, too. Sometimes. You don't have to be strong all the time, you know?" seryosong sabi niya sa akin.

"This is making me uncomfortable."

"Good," he said. "That means you can still feel things."

"Hindi ako robot."

"Are you sure?"

I glared at him. "Shut up."

He grinned. "Charisse Faith... You softie."

I rolled my eyes as I groaned. "Bumalik ka na nga 'dun! Bakit ba napaka-kulit mo?"

"Ang sarap mong kulitin, e," he said, shrugging.

"Si Katherine na lang kulitin mo."

He laughed. "May boyfriend na 'yun."

"But you still like her."

"Selos ka?"

"You didn't deny it."

"Selos ka muna?"

I sighed, exasperated. He's so annoying! Silang dalawa ni Yago ang bagay maging magkaibigan! Siguro kung ka-batch namin si Iñigo, sila ni Yago ang magiging close.

Thankfully, dumating na iyong sundo ko. Iñigo opened the door for me. Tahimik akong pumasok doon. Sinubukan kong isara na iyong pinto para matahimik na ako, pero ayaw niyang bitawan iyon.

"Good night, Miss Independent," he said, smiling.

Huminga ako nang malalim habang pilit na kinakalma ang sarili ko. Biglang gusto ko na lang bumalik sa panahon na hindi niya alam ang pangalan ko.

"Rest well. Bukas ka na mag-aral. Health is wealth. Walang kwenta pagiging abogado kung patay ka na. Dapat—" sabi niya pero mabilis ko siyang tinulak at sinarado iyong pinto. I told the driver to speed away. Tumingin ako sa likod at nakita ko si Iñigo na kumakaway sa papalayong sasakyan habang naka-ngiti. Baliw talaga.