Chapter 4

I woke up late to school the next morning. The skin around my eyes still felt stiff from my crying last night. I hadn't eaten a lot of dinner either. Umma and Appa were worried that I was sick, and had given me medicine. I took it anyway just so that they wouldn't think otherwise.

My body felt so much heavier this morning. I didn't want to look at my phone. I didn't even want to look at myself in the mirror when I went to brush my teeth in the bathroom. I didn't want to go to school, but I knew I had to. As nice as my parents are, they don't want me ditching. Plus, Yani would have a fit if I didn't show up. And Oscar would be left to work on the project alone. I think about so many excuses to use to get out of school today, but then realize there would be no point to it. If not today, I would have to go eventually. I can't win.

Changing into new clothes felt like torture, walking to the kitchen felt like torture, eating breakfast felt like torture. I'm surprised I didn't throw it up afterwards. Umma gave me more medicine and I downed it quickly.

Appa and I left so I could go to school. The car drive felt like torture times x100. Imagine how being at school will feel...

We finally arrived and I thought about telling Appa I was feeling nauseous. But my body moved on its own. My mouth told him good-bye, my hands opened the car door, and the rest of me carried me out of the car and into the open. Before I knew it, I was watching Appa's car exit the school gates. Now I really feel nauseous.

I walked into the school feeling paranoid. It felt like everyone was staring at me. My heart was beating fast--so fast that I thought it would burst out of my chest. I'd give anything for that, at this point.

I met up with Yani at our spot and she immediately gave me a look of concern.

"Are you okay, Calvin? You look dead."

"I'm gonna be after Eli finds me and beats the shit out of me."

I didn't tell her that.

"I'm fine," I lied, "just feel sick."

She patted the floor next to her, telling me to sit down. I did and she started rubbing my head with her gentle, beautifully tan hand.

I tried to contain my emotions, I really did, but it didn't work. Soon enough, I was hugging onto Yani, my face buried into her shoulder, as I sobbed. She seemed surprised but didn't stop me. Instead, she stroked my hair some more and leaned her head against mine. It's not even time for school yet, and I'm already so fucking miserable.

She dried off my tears for me and asked me what was wrong. 

"I'll tell you after school," I murmured with a stuffy nose, "if I can survive until then, that is..."

Before she could question my statement, the bell rang. I could tell by the look on her face that she didn't want to leave me. I didn't want to leave her, either. Regardless of this, we both went our separate ways to go to our classes.

All of them felt terrible. I wasn't in the right mindset to pay attention to the teachers' lectures or notes. The entire time, I felt like I needed to throw up but I couldn't. The feeling in my throat stayed with me.

Physics was even worse. As soon as I came into the classroom, my eyes drifted to Wesley. He looked at me the moment I came in and never took his eyes off of me until I sat down. I could tell by the satisfied look on his face that he could see how pathetic I feel. Those piercing blue eyes of his kept watching me throughout most of the class time and it was a struggle to not bolt out of the room, and out of the school.

When lunch time came, I texted Yani that I wanted to go to the library instead of lunch. She agreed and we met up at at the library doors a few minutes later. We got a table and sat together. Everything was quiet here, as it should be, but my nervousness hadn't ceased completely.

"Calvin, are you okay? What's going on with you--?"

"How would you skip a class?," I asked her.

She gave me a puzzled look and said, "I don't know, uh, I'd hang out in the restroom? Go to a teacher that I like who has a break? Come here? I don't know, Calvin--why are you asking me this?"

"Just wanted to know," I murmured.

She leaned over the table and touched my arm gently. When I looked up, her chocolate brown eyes were the first things I saw, and I felt tempted to cry into her embrace again. She placed a hand against my cheek and said, "Calvin, please tell me what's wrong."

"What's wrong," I replied flatly.

Yani gave me a look and I turned away a bit.

"I'm serious, Calvin. What the hell happened?"

I gently pushed her hand away from my face and answered, "I told you, I'll tell you after school."

"That's way too long," she complained.

I shrugged. "You'll have to wait. I'm not telling you anything until we're off of this campus."

She frowned, but I knew she would respect my wishes. I felt terrible for making her wait, but I can't risk anyone overhearing us if we talk here. I also just want to be alone with her. So I can cry as hard as I want without anyone else seeing.

We hung out in the library for the rest of the lunch period. She talked with me about different topics, and I knew she was doing that to help distract my mind away from what I was going through. She's such a good person. As much as I question why she ever became my friend, I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world. I'm glad she has the strength to put up with my shit.

Eventually lunch ended and it was time for us to head to our next class. I felt a bit relieved knowing I'd see Oscar now. Maybe that nerd will tell me a way I can skip properly without getting caught. I doubt it, but it's worth a shot.

When I got to graphic design, Oscar wasn't there. My hopes of talking with him ceased and I reluctantly took a seat at my computer.

Where is he? I really do want to talk with him, but we also need to work on this project. I'll text him.

I texted him, asking him where he was and what happened. Just as I was about to lock my phone, I received an incoming text. But it wasn't from Oscar.

Wesley: heya Calvin. just wanted to text u and see how u were doing. :)

My hands started shaking. I shouldn't reply. I'm not going to.

Suddenly, another text. It was also from Wesley. He sent me an image.

It was a screenshot of a convo with Eli. I could see the slightest hint of one of the nude photos just passing under the contact name. Wesley told Eli: i think Calvin Tae's got a thing for u, Gateman.

Eli replied: What the fuck??!

My heart dropped seeing that line.

Wesley: how do u feel?

Eli: Gross.

Wesley: it's understandable. if u need anything, just send me a text or call me. i'd be happy to help "scold" Calvin for his bad behavior. :)

That fucking prick.

Again, another photo popped in. It was a continuation of Wesley's and Eli's conversation. Most of the previous text bubbles were in the new screenshot, but the very last bubble was what shook me.

Eli: Thanks, but I'll talk with Tae. I'm sure he'd be more than excited to see me.

Even though I had a feeling this would happen, that text bubble is now proof that Eli Gateman is after me. He's going to hunt me down and fuck me up for what I did.

Wesley texted again a few seconds later.

Wesley: have fun with Eli, Creep. he's looking forward to a nice chat ;)

I don't want to be here anymore. I just want to disappear now.

I guess I was shaking so bad that the teacher came up to me asking what was wrong. Turning off my phone and putting it away, I told her I was only feeling a bit sick. She offered to write me a nurse's pass and I kindly obliged.

A minute later, she filled out a referral and sent me on my way. I hurried along to the nurse's office, scared that I'd run into someone I didn't want to talk to right now. When I got there, I told the nurse that I was feeling sick and gave her the referral. She did the usual routine: checking my temperature and asking me if I was taking care of myself. I lied about not being able to sleep due to some stress. She nodded in understanding and allowed me to lay down at one of the beds for 15 minutes. She drew the curtain closed and gave me privacy. It was a relief to be here. Maybe a nap will ease my nerves just a little.

I laid down and curled up into myself as I closed my eyes.

For a while, it felt like everything wasn't there. There was black but it wasn't black. My sleep felt surreal.

Suddenly, I was woken up by someone calling my name. I rubbed at my eyes, thinking that my 15 minutes were up. It passed by so fast. I sat up on the bed to greet the nurse, only to see Eli Gateman looming over me. His eyes felt sharper as they bore into my very being. My sense of dread was so immense now that I couldn't feel anything. I was frozen, staring back as he glared down at me.

When I finally got my voice back, I whimpered, "E-Eli, please, I-I can explain!!"

"You're too fucking late, Tae," he growled, and the next thing I knew he was on top of me. I struggled underneath him but he was too heavy and too strong for me to escape. His eyes seemed to flare like the fires of Hell and tears were streaming down my face from my terror. One hand clamped around my neck, squeezing it tight, while the other hovered high above me. I couldn't plead for him to let me go. I could barely cry. Barely breathe. Without any remorse in his dark eyes, he slammed down his fist towards my face--

And I woke up in a cold sweat, crying out bloody murder. The nurse came rushing through the curtain almost instantly, and was there to hold onto my shoulders. "Are you okay? What happened, sweetheart?," she asked me in such a tender tone.

It finally dawned on me that I had only had a terrible nightmare. I was relieved, but also terrified. That dream might come true soon and I would be powerless over it.

"How long have I been asleep?," I asked the nurse.

She checked her watch. "Only for six minutes."

Six minutes?? I won't be able to handle the other nine.

"Do you want me to call your parents?," she asked.

Even though I knew I shouldn't go home, and Umma didn't have a car to come pick me up, I said yes. "If you call my mom, let me talk to her. She speaks little English."

"Sure," the nurse said, and lead me away from the bed.

A few moments passed before Umma had picked up the phone. In Korean, I told her how I was at the nurse's office and had been feeling even worse than before. She told me that she'd call Appa to see if he could leave work to pick me up. I desperately hoped that he would.

I hung out with the nurse after that. She gave me some warm chamomile tea that's supposed to help with stress and tension. She also managed to coax the front office into calling my graphic design teacher, telling her to send a student to the nurse's office with my backpack, which I had left behind. A few minutes passed and a girl came carrying my backpack in her hands. I thanked her, and she smiled and told me to get better. I felt kind of happy knowing some girl that I don't even know told me to get well. If Wesley succeeds in telling the whole school what I did, I'm sure I won't be getting that kindness from strangers anymore.

I waited and waited in the nurse's office, starting up small talk with her. The nurse is pretty cool. She feels like one of those southern, down-to-earth, motherly women, but when I asked if she had kids, she said she didn't. She said she didn't want any. I could respect that. But then she went on to explain how helping the students here was enough for her, and I suddenly admired her way more. Again, I thought about the kindness that people I barely know could give me now. Thinking about this nurse looking at me like I'm some repulsive creature broke my heart. I really don't want that.

Appa came through and arrived at the nurse's office, still wearing his work clothes. He and the nurse talked for a bit; she told him how I was feeling and what I should do when I get home. He listened to every word and would toss me a concerned look every few seconds. The nurse was kind enough to give me five packets of chamomile tea bags to take home. I thanked her for everything she's done and gave her a hug. She hugged me back and patted my head, telling me to take care.

I left the building with Appa not too long after. When he was driving me home, he kept quiet. I was thankful that he didn't try talking to me.

As soon as we made it home, he ordered me to eat something (since I had also mentioned earlier that I didn't eat lunch) and to go to my room to rest. I did all of that without a single moment of hesitation. When I went to rest in my room, Umma gave me a scented candle that would calm my nerves. I thanked her for that.

I slept on my bed and this time I had no nightmares about Eli coming to beat my face in. A few hours later, my phone started ringing and I checked the contact name. It was Yani. Oh, boy.

As soon as I picked up, she exclaimed, "Hey, where are you??"

"I got sent home," I said, my voice still affected from having suddenly woken up.

"What? Why?"

"I wasn't feeling good.. Is school over already?"

"Yes, and I've been waiting at our spot for you. You should've told me you left!," she said.

"I'm sorry," I murmured.

"I'm coming over." Then she hung up.

I guess I figured out how to skip PE today.

•••

Yani came over not too long after the call. She suddenly barged into my room while I still lay in bed.

"Jesus, don't pop in like that," I told her, "I could've been yankin' it."

"Tell me what's got you so upset," she demanded. I guess she wasn't up for jokes.

"Close the door, and sit down with me," I told her. She did as I said and waited for me to start talking.

It took me a while to muster up the words and courage, but she was patient with me (thank god). I started explaining, "Wesley has been harassing me for what happened at the mall and I have a feeling he's going to ruin my reputation. Send me running and crying like that one ex-girlfriend of his."

"That piece of shit...," she muttered under her breath, "but why? Why so suddenly?"

I scratched the back of my neck and said, "Well, I did something pretty bad and he's blackmailing me with it."

"What did you do?

Oh god, here's the kicker of this whole situation.

With a deep breath, I admitted, "I secretly took photos of Eli Gateman nude and changing in the boys locker-room last Friday."

Yani wasn't slow about suddenly exclaiming, "You did what?!"

"I'm sorry--."

"Eli-motherfucking-Gateman, Calvin! Do you have a death wish?!"

"Quiet down, my mom could hear you.."

"Why?! Why would you do that?!," she hissed, her volume dropping.

"I don't know," I started to ramble, "He was just there in the locker-room, I was kind of hiding, he dropped his fuckin' towel right in the middle of the room, I had my phone and thought 'fuck it, I'm gonna take pictures because he's so hot' and now I'm here!"

"Fuckin' Christ, Calvin," she sighed.

"I'm sorry, Yani."

She frowned down at the floor for a few moments before asking, "Do you still have the photos?"

Hesitantly, I nodded. I've been so caught up in all of my stress that I forgot to delete them.

"Delete them now," she said, "wipe them completely from your phone."

"It's no use trying to get rid of them," I told her, grabbing my phone from the bed to do what she said, "Wesley has them too, and I'm sure he intends to keep them. Eli already knows what I did and has even seen the pictures."

"Well, deleting the photos will be one less burden...," she said. I guess she's right.

Once I had all of them completely wiped from my phone, I mentioned to Yani, "Eli will probably confront me soon. He said so in a screenshot that Wesley took when they texted."

"Shit," Yani hissed under her breath, understanding just how extreme my statement was.

I clenched my blanket in my hands and murmured, "I'm scared, Yani. I don't know what to do. Eli's gonna beat me up. Wesley's gonna enjoy every moment of my suffering. The whole school will hate me, and you'll probably get shit-talk, too."

"I don't care about me," she said firmly, "If people wanna talk shit about me, let them. Fuck 'em--."

"My mother's down the hall," I interjected.

"Look, just focus on you, okay? Don't feel bad about me or anyone else you talk to. We can figure this out."

"How? How can we figure this out? No matter what angle we take on resolving this situation, I'll look like the bad guy! Everyone knows Wesley wouldn't want nude photos of Eli, but they know I probably would! I'm the Creep, remember?"

"Exactly," she said, "you're the Creep."

"That sentence doesn't help me."

"Everyone knows you're Creepy Calvin, but they also know that Wesley hates your guts," she went on to explain, "They know he can be ruthless. A lot of people suspected that he made up that rumor of his ex-girlfriend sleeping with eighth graders, but they forgot about the whole thing not even a day later. People will either think Wesley made up this whole problem to ruin you, or they'll forget all about it. Rumors fade quickly, Calvin. That's how they work."

"I don't know, Yani...," I mumbled, "Maybe you're right? But I know for sure that Eli will remember."

"So, what? Let him bitch about the photos."

"They're an invasion of his privacy," I remarked.

"And you didn't stop to think about that before you took pictures of him?," she said. I blushed and hung my head.

"Just keep playing innocent, even if odds are stacked against you," she said, "Eventually, even Eli will go along with the majority and think it was all an elaborate plan done by Wesley."

"How do you know everyone will think I'm innocent?"

"They will. Trust me. Now, who knows about the photos?"

I took a few seconds to think. "You, Eli, and Wesley. But with his buddies are on his side...I don't know if I stand a chance."

"His buddies are his buddies," Yani retorted, "They'll go along with anything he says or does. Everyone knows that."

"Still...," I murmured.

She grabbed onto my hand and squeezed it. "C'mon, Calvin. Quit thinking like that. The first step into solving this problem is to believe that you can get through it without getting scarred. You have to think positive."

"I'll try," I said. She gave me a smile and brought me into a hug.

"Well, since I'm here, I might as well hang out with you," she said as she sprawled herself across my bed. I chuckled and rolled my eyes at her.

I really am grateful that she's my best friend.