Anna;

         "The war outside our
          door keeps raging on."

           - Taylor Swift, Safe & Sound

       The rain poured outside his window as he shook his head. Staring at the ceiling, tears began to trickle their way down his cheek and down his throat. He didn't know and I thought he did. I told him the whole story from beginning to end and he couldn't contain himself anymore. He was shocked.

      "She killed herself." he restated. "Because of me being a fucking idiot." he muttered between his teeth before cramping his hand up into a fist and launching it at the wall. Tears began to fall from my own eyes as he began to sob into the wall.

       "I just want to let you know." I wiped away a tear from my eye. "That it wasn't just your fault."

     "No, but I was the one to push her to it." he snapped his neck back towards me. "How are you even surviving right now knowing that she's gone and you're talking to her murder."

    "Don't think of it that way, Ben." I sat up. "You didn't physically kill her yourself so stop trying to convince yourself you did."

    "I did though." Ben shouted. "I threw her under the bridge and I didn't even fucking mean to. I liked her too you know. I really did."

    "She really liked you too, Benjamin. You should've heard the way she talked about you or the way her eyes shined when she would look at you." I chuckled. "Matilda liked you and would never want you to think that it was your fault."

   "But you read the note and you told me that it talked about how I broke her heart." Benjamin sharpened his face as he let his last words fall from his lips. I shook my head before looking down at my thumbs.

    "Listen, I was never mean't to tell a soul this. It was between her and I, but to change your mind that it wasn't your fault." I let out sigh and only prayed that Matilda didn't hear me speak this. "Her parents hated her and she was taken away from them soon after they began to drink. She went through five other homes before being placed in a very strict catholic home. That's where she grew up and was locked up in a closet or a bathroom if she did something bad. Overall, she's been planning this attempt for a while, but never mentioned it to me. Trust me I feel so idiotic to know that she was telling me she wasn't okay just by her emotions and how she began to act as I began to hang out with Lucas more. So stop blaming yourself."

     Tears dropped from both of our chins as I told the story I was never mean't to tell a soul. But I already broke several other promises so who cared if I broke another. This was the moment where Ben placed his head back against the wall and started to mutter to himself. I couldn't quite hear him, his voice too low for me to be able to.

     He sat himself up with a small hidden smirk on his lips. "Can you come with me?" he asked as he stood his way up from the bed he was laying on seconds before. I nodded my head and grabbed his sleeve as we walked our way out of the house. Rushing our way to his car, I hopped into the passenger side and that's where he started the car. "I have this thinking place I like to visit when I'm stressed out or miserable. I was going to bring Matilda there after the dance to have a small little dance to ourselves, but I think I'm going to bring you instead."

     "Do you care if I stop at my house first before so I can grab a sweatshirt?" I asked watching as he pulled out of the driveway.

    "No problem." he answered, trying to pull off something close to a smile.

     He drove down the roads, taking turns beyond turns just to get to the destination. I let out a chuckle a few times here and there as he told me a joke or turned the wrong way. But I couldn't stop thinking of how badly I was hurting everyone. Lucas especially. He probably hated me now and I wouldn't blame him, but to be honest I missed him and it's only been a few hours since I left the note on the roof.

    "No your right!" I shouted as he argued with me. "We are facing the same way idiot. It doesn't matter who's side it is!"

      He turned to face me as he turned the music down. "Yes it does. There is a side for me and a side for you."

     "You're not making any sense, Ben." I shook my head at him as he stared at me.

     "Are you calling me stupid?"

     "I'm not calling you stup--"

     "Oh my god!" Benjamin shouted as the front of the car made a loud banging noise. The squeal of the tires stopping sounded off the silence as we stared at each other, shocked. I quickly unfastened my seat and rushed out of the door. Only to let out a deafening scream as I noticed exactly who it was.

     "Lucas!" I shouted running over towards him. He laid their with mud covering his body. Blood oozed from his forehead and his eyes stayed shut. All I could think of was when I held Matilda in my hands, hand around her waist and my other hand holding her head up. Crying into his shoulder I began to make sure he was still breathing. Only barely able to hear his heart pumping made me more worried than anything ever before. "No." I muttered. "No!"

      "Oh my god." Ben muttered from the cars door. Head in hands. "Fucking god."

      "Lucas." I murmured. "Lucas please." Shaking his arm, I expected him to open his eyes and laugh as he had caught me in a prank. But he didn't. He never opened his eyes. Only more blood trickled down his head and his heart pounding began to become softer and more silent.

     And the ambulance came thirty minutes after. Thirty minutes of holding an almost lifeless body in my hands. Thirty minutes of tears and rain pouring. Thirty minutes of my soul being ripped from my body.

     But the thing that terrified me the most
     wasn't only that I was going to lose Lucas,
     but it took exactly thirty minutes
     for the ambulance to come and save
     Matilda.

                                           She didn't survive.

=========================

a/n the last chapter is next

omg people

im so sorry
im such a horrible
person

- A