Chapter 25

Ayoko na. 

I was left there with my mind bleeding. Lose him forever? Hindi pa ba yun ang nangyari nung iwan niya ako dati? Ano ba yung dati? Lose him temporarily and then have him once again the moment I got my life back? Ano ako? Laruan lang na kukunin once na maayos na? Hindi ba ako tao? Wala ba akong feelings na nasasaktan?

Umupo ako sa harap ng sasakyan ko at tahimik na umiyak. Damn. Ganito na lang ba palagi? Iiyak na lang ng iiyak?

Hinihintay kong umalis si Drake pero nandyan pa rin siya. Hanggang pag-iyak ba naman hindi niya ako titigilan?!

I walked up to him and knocked on his window. "Leave me alone."

"Go in your car. It's dark already."

"Wag mo nga akong pakielaman! Hindi mo ako girlfriend, okay?! Wala kang responsibility sa akin!"

He nodded and then ignited his car. "Fine, Alys. Push me away until I really give up."

And then really, he left me. And damn, I think it's for good.

Napaupo na lang ako at umiyak ng umiyak. All those people staring at me like I'm crazy. Yes, I think I'm going crazy. I freaking received two proposals in a day! And I don't think kaya kong sumagot sa kanilang dalawa! Damn they wanna marry me for all the wrong reasons. Ano ba ako sa kanilang dalawa? Prize sa laro nila na pataasan ng pride?

"Damn this life," I said habang naglalakad pabalik sa sasakyan ko. 

Dumiretso ako sa bahay at hindi ko kinausap kahit sino. It's been a long day. Gusto ko na lang matulog at kalimutan lahat. Sobrang sakit na ng nararamdaman ko...

Hindi ko naman ginusto ang lahat ng 'to. God knows I just want to be happy. I want me to be happy, I want Tripp to be happy, and I certainly want Drake to be happy... pero bakit parang ang hirap hirap naman abutin ng gusto ko? Is it that impossible to be happy without the expense of hurting anyone? Sobrang far fetched na ba ng pangarap ko?

I stared at the ceiling, wondering why my life has been like this. Has been... this wrecked. 

Maybe because I've been damn too selfish. Tama naman si Drake, puro ako na lang yung iniisip ko. Pero masisisi niya ba ako? He hurt me too much! Too damn much that I can't even bear thinking about his pain because my own pain was too much for me to handle. 'Yung sakit na binigay niya sa akin sobra pa sa sobra... hindi ko na yata kakayanin kung iisipin ko pa yung nararamdaman niya.

And Tripp... God, Tripp! I've given you my time and devotion. Kulang pa ba yung dalawang taon? I've been nursing this relationship pero ikaw, hindi ka pa rin kuntento. Can't you see how much I've given? Two years, Tripp. Two years 'yun hindi lang dalawang araw. 

I was in the middle of crying when my Mom entered my room.

"Alys!" she said the moment she saw my tear-stained face. She came near me and enveloped me in a hug. I cried in her arms. Ayoko na, Mommy... Ang hirap hirap na... Sobrang sakit na... "Oh, my baby..." she said as she cooed me.

"Mom... ang sakit sakit na..."

"Ssh, baby. Everything will  be fine, all right?"

How I wish, mommy. Sana in a snap of a finger, maging okay na ang lahat. Sana maging okay na kami kasi damn, sobrang hirap ng ganito. Para kaming naglalaro kahit na alam namin na sa huli, may isa pa rin na matatalo. We're staking our all, our everything. 

She hugged me and whispered comforting words. I wish I could just stay here and be with my mom. I don't want to go outside and face the world. Call me coward but it just hurt damn too much. I care for them both... and seeing them do this to me hurts me way more. 

"What happened, Alys?" she asked me.

"Mom..." I trailed off. I didn't even know where I'd start. I didn't even know how to tell it. In any way, alam kong may magmumukhang masama, may magmumukhang selfish. Bakit ba kasi ganito magmahal? Palagi na lang may nasasaktan.

She caressed my hair and told me, "Is this about the cousins?"

I nodded. 

"Oh, baby. Just follow your heart. It's love, it's gamble. May masasaktan at may masasaktan, Alys. You have to make your choice, place your bet because if not, you're gonna lose them both and hurt them both..."

Tears came down running. Was it too much for wanting not to hurt anyone? 

"I can't. I just can't."

She smiled down at me and cupped my face. "It's a big world you're living in, honey. Be brave or lose it all."

Mom kissed my forehead and tucked me into bed. I didn't choose... The stake was just too high.

The night passed by a blur. I woke up with my heart feeling crushed and pounded. Pictures of Tripp being mad and Drake shouting and cussing embraced my morning.

"Morning," my brother greeted me. "Nandyan si Tripp tsaka si Drake."

"A-ano?"

He pointed to the receiving room. "Kanina pa sila dun."

I went to the sink and grabbed a glass and filled it with water. Here it was, again. Will I cry again? Ngayon na naman? Hindi ba pwedeng time-out muna? Pahinga muna? Sobrang sakit na ng puso ko.

Kulang na lang gumapang ako papunta sa sala. Ayokong humarap sa kanila. The pain yesterday was already destroying everything I've got. Ano pa ba ang gusto nila? Did they really think I'll choose? 

"Alys..." they both said.

I took a deep breath and then raised my hand. "You two... just stop. Bigyan niyo naman ako ng pahinga."

And then I caught a glimpse of Tripp's face. He had a cut on his lip and a fresh bruise on his face. "Tripp!" I immediately went near him and nursed his face. "Ano'ng nangyari sa'yo?" I asked him worriedly. I caught him looking at Drake and smirking at him. Damn. Competition ba talaga ako sa kanilang dalawa?

He placed his hand on top of mine and held it. "Pinoprotektahan ko lang kung ano ang akin," he said while looking at Drake. 

I looked at Drake who was staring at me with intensity. Drake... you're just too stubborn for your own good. "Ano'ng ginagawa mo rito?"

He was staring at me like... like he's emotionless. Those pair of cold eyes piercing into my very soul. Shit, Drake. Why do I feel like I'm killing you right now? 

"I just wonder how it would feel like... you attending to him when I'm just as equally hurt," he said and then continued looking stoic. "I thought it would hurt like hell. But Alys, I feel nothing. You made me numb."

I felt like a glass shattering. It felt surreal... the pain felt surreal. It's too much.

Tripp's hold tightened, na para bang pinipigilan niya ako sa kung anuman yung posible kong maramdaman. Bakit, Tripp? He's your cousin and we're destroying everything that's left of him! Hindi ba pwedeng ceasefire muna? Can't we just please, just this once, understand that more than us, he's hurting.

"Wag, Alys..." he whispered. I was about to go to Drake but he trapped me in his arms. "Dito ka lang sa'kin, please."

I looked at him, begging na kahit ngayon lang payagan niya naman ako. All these years siya lang ang inalala ko. Feelings niya, siya... God, he's been always my top priority. Ngayon lang, Tripp. Seeing him slowly breaking was killing me. 

"Tripp naman..." I said with my voice breaking. 

He shook his head. "Kahit naman ngayon ipakita mo sa kanya na ako na 'yung priority, Alys. Buong buhay ko palagi na lang akong pangalawa. Ngayon lang, oh. Kahit ngayon lang sana mauna naman ako. Sana yung nararamdaman ko naman yung mauna."

I bit my lip to prevent the sob from escaping my lips. What have become of my life? I'm really torn. I didn't wish for any of this... sobrang hirap na alam mo na kahit ano ang piliin mo, may isa sa kanila na masasaktan. Their bet was on me... and they've risk everything and yet here am I, still on the verge on just turning my back and walking away, regret on the plate.

Drake was still staring without any hint of emotion. He's like a broken toy. We've broken him. I knew we did but now? Now... he's like beyond repair. 

"Tripp, palagi ka namang una sa akin, di ba?" I held his hand. "Ngayon lang, oh. Please, kakausapin ko lang si Drake..." I pleaded and pleaded. 

His grip tightened and his jaw clenched.

"Alys alam kong mahal mo ako," he said and then closed his eyes. A tear escaped and fell. Damn, Tripp. "Shit alam ko rin naman na mahal mo pa si Drake..." His voice broke and he's crying really hard. "Pero Alys sana naman ipakita mo na mas mahal mo ako. Okay na sa akin na dalawa kaming mahal mo, e... Pero please naman sana lamang ako. Kahit konti lang. Kahit kaunti lang talaga."

I was there, literally watching two men cry because of me. It wasn't anything fairytale like. Damn this was torture. 

"Alys..." Tripp said and then enclosed my hands inside his. "Please, ako naman."

Drake finally snapped out of his reverie. He looked at me and then smiled. "I can't do this anymore, Alys. I give up."

And then he turned his back on us... for good.