Piper

I can't believe I had fallen asleep in class. I had spent the entire night going over and over in my head how to get rid of Ty. I should never have kissed him back. All I was doing was getting his hopes up where there was none.

I had avoided texting Jack for the majority of the day, not knowing what the hell to even begin to say. I felt so damn guilty my stomach was in knots.

How the hell could I possibly betray the man I love like that?

And how the hell could I ever stop texting him now that I've started. There are still so many things I need to say, unsure of how to even begin.

I took my phone out, and my fingers flew across the keys. It was after five now and I had nothing better to do.

It killed me inside, the way my thoughts kept going back to Ty, the way my body reacted to his, the way I saw him in my dreams. I was foolish to even begin to entertain that idea. I didn't know if I was falling for him, or if my mind was trying to force me to think he was Jack, all I knew was I had to try to stop it.

He was a player, and all I would be to him is another notch on his belt. I didn't need or want that. I wasn't that girl. He could never love me the way I needed. He could never be Jack. No matter how much my mind tried to convince me he could.

I was an idiot. I hadn't felt this low in a long time. That need that I thought I had put behind me so long ago reared its ugly head and before I realized what was happening I was sitting on my bed with the razor knife against my skin.

"No Piper." I said aloud. "Don't do this."

I threw the knife down, kicking it under the bed out of reach.

I hit my knees on the floor, crying as desperation flowed through me and I reached out for the stupid knife. This wasn't who I was anymore, so why did I want it so bad? Why did I need to feel the pain to keep going?

I had enough pain in my mind, in my heart, in my entire being. What would more do for me except push me further down?

It will make it all stop, just like it always did.

I gripped the knife in my fingers, screaming out as I sliced it into my thigh. I watched as the blood trickled down my leg, pooling around me in the floor. It wasn't that it hurt, at this point I was so dead inside I didn't really feel anymore. It was that I was angry at myself for sinking this low again. For having to do this again to get a grip on my reality.

The knife lifted, and again it sliced into my thigh. It was almost robotic, like it wasn't me doing it. I did this three more times before reaching under my bed and pulling out the small silver box to bandage my wounds. That was my ritual. Cut and then bandage.

I felt better. The physical pain easing the mental pain. I remembered now why I did it all those years ago. It erased everything I felt as a child. It helped me deal with my surroundings. With my story. The physical pain stopped the inner pain, even if just for a moment. For one single moment I felt like I was in control. And it felt amazing.

I thought about my compulsion to fix people, and I again wondered why. I think mainly I didn't want anyone else to end up like me. To end up so broken. I had watched my entire life fall apart in front of my eyes. I had watched my parents kill each other and leave me all alone in this world. I never wanted to see another person go through what I did so I made it my mission to fix anything that was broken.

The moment their relationship imploded, my dad took a gun to her head. He gave me one last look before pulling the trigger. As my mothers cold lifeless body thumped to the ground, I whimpered. Then he put it to his own head and pulled the trigger. He killed her and then he killed himself, all without a single word. I didn't get a goodbye or anything. Not that it would have helped or made it any easier. Sometimes I wish he had just taken me out too.

I remember screaming, begging for help where there was none. I remember laying there beside them wondering if anyone was ever going to come for me.

It had taken two days before someone found me, and by that time I was so dead inside they didn't think I was going to make it emotionally. I had been old enough to understand what had happened, but the shock and horror of what I had witnessed caused me to lay beside them and not get up.

I had just laid there, pretending I was dead too. Maybe it made it easier to deal. I don't remember. All I remember is seeing him shoot her and then himself.

The police took me straight to a hospital where I stayed on suicide watch and spoke with a shrink for fourteen days. It took half of them just to get me to speak to the doctor, but I refused to speak with anyone else. How could I speak when my mind was on constant replay? Seeing it happen over and over again, forcing myself to wonder why I didn't do anything to try and stop him.

When they had found me, my arms were wrapped around my mother, clinging to her hard cold body. I had forced myself between them, my back to my father.

It wasn't long after I was placed in a foster home that I started to cut myself. It had scared my first foster parents, and they immediately sent me back.

The images wouldn't go away, and the only way I could deal was to hurt myself. To feel the physical pain. It brought me back to the now, away from the mental images that haunted me. Still, I couldn't bring myself to talk.

Now, here in the present, all of that came flooding back, reopening wounds I had long ago thought were closed.

All I wanted was to forget. I thought I had.

The next day I spent in bed, refusing to get up so I could wallow in my misery. I slept, cried, slept some more, cried some more. Just a constant cycle repeating itself over and over again.

When I finally had enough, I pulled my phone back out, scrolling to Mindy's text and typing a message.

It didn't take but a second for her to respond.

I remembered the coffee shop that Ty had taken me to and asked her to meet me there. I threw some pants on to cover my recent wounds and headed out the door.

I put on a smile as soon as I walked into the shop and grabbed a coffee before sliding into the booth that Mindy was already occupying.

"Hey stranger." She said. "I'm glad you texted me."

"Yeah all this studying has my nerves on edge. I figured a distraction was just what I needed." I replied, smiling at her.

"We all need them sometimes. College is hard." She said, sipping on her coffee.

"That it is my friend." I said, taking a sip of my own coffee and making a face at the warmth.

"Feeling better from the other night?" She asked, raising her eyes up to mine.

"Yeah." This wasn't the direction I wanted to go in. I didn't know her well enough to let her be privy to my life's story.

We spent the next hour chatting about psychology class and the professor. He was a hard ass but it seemed to work well for him. The students seemed to respect him.

"So about Tyler," she said, glancing back up at me, "he's kind of bad news. He gets away with a lot of shit because his dad basically funds the school. It would be wise to steer clear of him unless you are looking for trouble."

I knew it. I knew he was trouble but it didn't stop my mind from constantly wandering back to him.

"I seem to attract trouble." I said with a small laugh. "But yeah I'm starting to see that."

She glanced back at her coffee, her hands clutching the cup tightly.

"Look it's not that you aren't great, because I think you're pretty cool, it's just Tyler Scott doesn't do relationships. He's more of a hit it and quit it."

I didn't understand why she was telling me, it wasn't like I was vying for his attention or anything. I was trying to get away from the guy. I knew it from the moment I met him he was a hit it and quit it type guy.

"It isn't like that. There's nothing going on." I could feel myself getting defensive and I wondered why. There wasn't anything going on, so why did I feel the need to defend myself?

"I'm not saying there is. I'm just saying, Tyler seems to have his eye on you. He's like a dog with a bone, when he wants something he won't stop until he gets it, so just be careful." I was grateful that she cared, don't get me wrong, but I didn't want to discuss it with her.

I didn't want to talk about Ty anymore than I wanted to talk about Jack. The whole point of this coffee was to stop thinking about it.

"So you prepared for the psych test Monday?" I asked, offering a new subject.

It seemed like she wanted to say more, but she kept her mouth shut.

"Yeah. I usually ace them." She said, smiling. "I have a good tutor though."

"Yeah? Who?" I asked.

"Jameson." She said, a slight blush grazing her cheeks.

"The TA?"

"Yeah." Her cheeks burned brighter.

"Are you seeing him?" I asked.

"N-no. It's nothing like that." She was quick to refute, only making herself look more guilty.

"You are totally seeing the TA. Isn't that against the rules?"

"I'm not seeing him. It's completely against the rules." She looked down, refusing to meet my eyes.

"If you're not seeing him, you want to be seeing him. I'm not dumb you know."

She looked back up, a mix of panic and anger in her eyes.

"Yeah well neither am I." She said. "I should go. Thanks for the coffee. I really need to get back to studying."

I didn't know what happened, but I felt like she was mad at me.

Way to go Piper, piss off your only friend here.

"Yeah. I should go too."

I walked out of the shop, wondering where the hell things went wrong. Did my saying something about the TA really do it in? It wasn't like I was rude about it. And I definitely wasn't going to tell anyone.

When I made it back to my dorm, I went straight to bed. I didn't want this disastrous day to get any worse.

*

I spent the next day running off all the shit that wouldn't leave my mind. When I was running, I could concentrate on the sound my feet made hitting the ground and my mind was just free. Completely free. All day long I ran, up and down the streets around my dorm, only resting long enough to grab a bite to eat and catch my breath.

I ran until the sun went down, and I had to finally go home. I had to shower and rest my aching legs.

When I walked in, the room phone was ringing. I jumped on the bed answering it.

"Yeah?"

"Hey."

It was Ty. As if this day couldn't get worse. I had managed to spend almost two days without hearing from him, and I had thought he was finally going to leave me alone.

"What do you want Ty?" I didn't bother to disguise the annoyance in my voice.

"Look I'm sorry about the other night. I just wanted you to know that." He sighed, the noise loud in my ear.

"It's who you are. Don't apologize for who you are." I said, twirling the cord around my finger.

"I could have handled that better. It was stupid and I acted like a jerk." His voice was shaking, there was something more there.

No Piper, don't go there. You can't save everyone.

"It's whatever." I said.

I could hear some guy talking in the background, but the voice was muffled as if he was covering the phone with his hand.

"Look I got to go but do you think maybe I could come by tomorrow? We could study together or something. And yes, I know as friends." He said. There were loud shuffling noises in the background.

What the hell is he doing over there? He better not be calling me while he is with some girl.

"Ty pizza is here get off the damn phone." A guy's voice said.

"I don't know what you want from me Ty. I've told you I'm not looking to make friends here." I said quietly.

It was only a half lie. I wasn't looking to make friends, one just kind of happened.

"Could have fooled me. You seemed pretty cozy with Mindy from what I hear. It's fine, forget I asked. Actually, just forget I called. I get the hint." Then the line went dead before I could say another word.

Today is seriously not my day and Ty is most certainly bipolar. His emotions are even giving me whiplash.

I yanked my phone out, anger coursing through me as my fingers flew across the keys. I didn't even understand why I was mad. This was what I wanted wasn't it? For Ty to leave me alone? So why did the thought of him being angry with me and telling me to forget about it piss me off?

I was even more aggravated when my phone cut off after I hit send. I wasn't done yet with what I wanted to say. I threw it on the bed and walked right out of the dorm to get some air.

I seemed to need air a lot lately. A break from life. A break from my problems. It was becoming clear to me that I didn't know how to deal. Not just with Jack's death, but with my parents. And with my dealings at foster homes. If it hadn't been for Sophie I don't know where I would be.

I remember not wanting anything to do with her the first time I met her. She was perfect with her perfect hair and perfect body. I could only imagine she would be a snob.

But when that grimy nasty man put his hands on me she punched him and carried me back to my room. She had saved me from something potentially worse and yet she wasn't afraid he would send her back.

I had tried to do everything they asked because I was afraid they would send me back. Back to the last house where I would be locked away in my room for hours at a time, not even being able to come out to go pee. Or worse, somewhere that I would get hurt again.

I had heard stories from the other foster children, things could get real bad. I didn't need anything worse in my life, I had been through enough to have my own stories. In the beginning I had thought my life was perfect. I had thought I was special. That is, until he pulled that trigger.

People were afraid of me, afraid I would go psychotic after witnessing something so violent, but if anything I just went violent on myself.

My thoughts were loud. Deafening. Maybe that's what happened to my dad. Maybe he couldn't take the thoughts so he made them stop. I could make them stop.

With a few flicks of the knife I could make it all stop.