Tyler

There was no sense trying with this stupid girl anymore. She had made it clear she wasn't interested so many times it was pathetic. Yet still I found myself chasing after her. I was the pathetic one.

I wanted to blame it on my need to get laid. I wanted to blame it on my reputation. But it was something more. I couldn't deny it anymore. Not when that damn phone call crushed something inside me and made me want to throw things.

I balled my fists, yanking the door open and walking back to the living room with the guys. I snatched a beer out of the fridge, with more force than necessary.

"Dude what's crawled up your ass?" Matt said.

"You have, dick."

"Sorry for asking." He turned and walked towards the others while I stood in the kitchen brooding like an idiot.

Stupid fucking Piper. Why can't you just let me in?

"Dude he's on his period. We should probably go." I heard Matt telling the others. There was whispering, but I couldn't make out the words.

I spun around, moping into the living room portion of my penthouse and sat on the couch.

"No need. I always get like this when I speak with my father. The man just pisses me off." I lied.

"Well drink another beer and stop being a douche." Matt said, tipping my beer up with his fingers.

"Shut up Matt. Parents suck sometimes." Jake said, his eyes glazed over from the beers he already had.

John was half asleep on the couch, just staring straight ahead.

"Maybe you guys should go. I doubt I'll be in a better mood anytime soon." I said, not wanting him to pass out and be stuck here for the night.

I didn't do overnights. Not with anyone. Never had, never will.

They didn't want to leave, but I insisted. When they walked out the door and stumbled down the hall, I shut the door hard and fell onto the couch. I found myself itching to call her again. To apologize again.

I barely knew this girl yet already I had apologized to her more times than I had apologized to anyone- besides my father- in my life. I don't know what made me do it, but I just kept feeling the need to.

I knew I was a jerk. She knew I was a jerk. Yet I still had to voice my sorry over it.

Don't apologize for who you are.

Those words kept echoing through my head over and over. That's all I had been doing this whole time. Apologizing for who I am.

I was that guy. I was a dick. But I didn't want to be that guy anymore. I hadn't wanted to be that guy for a while now. Since even before Piper came into the picture. My routines were getting old, suffocating me to the point I just wanted it all to end. The façade I created for myself just wasn't doing it anymore.

Even more I wanted to be a guy she could like. I had never felt this way about a girl before. Usually I didn't even care what they thought, but with Piper, it was all about what she thought.

I had this need inside me to prove I could be different. This need to put aside who I actually was just to please her. I couldn't deny it anymore.

I choked down another four beers before passing out. It was the only thing I could do to drown out the thoughts. I wasn't stupid enough to try to kill myself again. It wouldn't work anyways. If I ended up in that hospital again, they would commit me for sure.

*

My hands shook as I walked up to her door.

This is a terrible idea.

I chanted it in my head like a mantra the entire way here. Yet my feet still pushed forward.

I raised my hand to knock on her door, standing there like an idiot with my hand hovering in the air without actually connecting to anything.

Turn around and go now. She said she didn't want you here.

I knocked.

The door swung open quickly, and I was met with a face of shock. Or was it annoyance?

"Ty what are you doing here? Haven't I been clear?" She said, sighing loudly.

It was as if she resigned herself to the fact I was that bug that just wouldn't die. The bug that insisted on infesting her home.

I probably was a bug in her eyes. Nothing more than something to be stomped on.

"Jameson told me to find you." I lied. "I'm behind in class and he said to find you so you could tutor me."

Please don't ask him if this is true.

I had now resorted to lying just to be around the girl. But wasn't that what I always did? Was she really any different? Would I still want her after I fucked her? If I fucked her.

My mind was screaming, telling me to abort just like it always did when I was around her. But just like always I ignored it.

"Fine. Come in." She shoved the door open and I stepped inside, looking around.

There was nothing on the walls, nothing that said she even lived here.

What kind of person doesn't decorate?

"Thanks. I owe you big time." I said, looking for something, anything, to tell me what this girl liked.

"I'm just gonna go to the bathroom, wait here." She said, stepping out the door and closing it before I could even respond.

I sat down on the edge of her bed, noticing that even her sheets were boring and bland. Nothing, not a single thing in this room told me who she was. It was infuriating.

I could always tell a girl by her room. Yet Piper remained still a mystery.

My phone buzzed taking me by surprise. I hadn't heard from sad lonely girl since last night, and I hadn't expected her to text today after going the whole day with nothing.

It had to be her. No one else had really text me since I got this new number, and I was liking it that way.

Another text came through before I even finished the first, startling me to the point I fell off the bed. I looked around wildly, scared I had put something out of place and she would notice.

That's when I saw it. The small silver box. With shaking hands I pulled it out from under the bed and glanced back at the door.

I lifted the lid, gasping as I saw its contents.

It was a razor blade, stained with blood. Underneath it was a stack of gauze and tape. I quickly closed it and shoved it back under the bed. I stood and sat back on the edge, wondering what the hell I had just found.

Piper is a cutter. Sad lonely girl is a cutter. Are they the same girl? Could it be? No freaking way it could be... Their similarities are endless, but so are their differences.

I hadn't seen any cuts on her. I hadn't seen the signs. Piper and sad lonely girl seemed to have so much in common it confused me. Fuck, was it her?

I opened my phone again, swiping to the new message.

I was so confused. Did sad lonely girl murder someone? Is that what plagued her? Should I be afraid of her? She can't be Piper. Piper couldn't hurt a fly.

The door swung open and I shoved my phone in my pocket, refusing to think about it now. Everything was too confusing, too disoriented.

"What are you doing?" She said, noticing the way I had jumped in my skin.

"Just waiting." My eyes scanned her body, searching for signs of any self inflicted cuts, but I came up empty.

Her wrists were smooth, no scars or anything. Isn't that where people usually cut?

Piper cleared her throat, catching me staring at her and forcing me to meet her eyes.

"Are you done now?" She asked, a bit of anger lacing her words.

"Sorry." I said, flinching at that stupid word again.

"We aren't here for you to check me out. We're here to get some work done. Where's your book?" Her face was hard and her eyebrows were slightly raised, giving me a once over.

"I uhh- I left it at home. I was hoping we could use yours."

She had to know I was lying now. Clearly I hadn't thought this through.

She sighed, crossing the room to grab her book from the small desk. As she sat down next to me, I scooted closer and inhaled her perfume. It was intoxicating. Everything about her was inviting. It was hard not to take her in my arms and kiss her all over again.

She laid the book in her lap, flinching slightly as the corners dug into her thighs.

I reached out to turn the page, my fingers grazing against her leg softly. It felt almost padded, like she had layers on underneath her pants.

I could feel the inhale of breath, her side so close it moved against mine.

"Piper," I said, "do I make you nervous?"

"No why?" I could tell she was lying from the shake in her voice.

"You just seem jumpy is all."

"Well you're sitting so close you might as well be in my lap. It's unnerving." With this she scooted away, putting some distance between us.

I wanted nothing more than to close it, but I was already on shaking ground.

She opened her notebook, pulling out two case studies and handing them to me.

"We're supposed to study these case files and come up with a diagnosis for each patient. I guess you can take one and I'll take the other. We can compare ideas after we are done." She said.

I looked them over and handed one back to her, for once in my sad life choosing the harder one and giving her the easier one.

I had already done this assignment for class, so I already knew exactly what was contained in both without looking.

Piper stood and went to the small desk, taking a seat in the chair. She opened a drawer and handed me a pen, before turning back to her paper.

I pretended to look over the case file, glancing up at her to steal little looks. I was still trying to figure out exactly where and how she cut herself, or if the blade was old. If it was something she used to do. The blood on the blade had looked so fresh though. It looked recent.

Maybe it wasn't even hers, left here by the last tenant. Maybe I was seeing things that weren't really there.

I jotted down a few notes on the paper, highlighting the main parts and my opinion of the proper diagnosis.

When I finished, I stood and walked behind her, and leaned down over her to check her notes. I let out a breath, making sure it scalded down her neck. She shivered, but didn't bother to turn around or say a word.

"I disagree actually." I said, as I leaned further over her to point out her noting on the side of the paper. "This girl suffers from manic depression, the evidence is clear in her thoughts and words. She should be talking about it instead of medicating the symptoms. That's the problem now days, doctors always want to medicate without actually fixing the problem. This is the one chance we have to voice that."

Piper spun around, put her hands on my chest and shoved me backwards. I almost lost my footing, but in the end I caught my balance on my heels.

"She isn't suffering from manic depression, she is clearly suffering from hallucinations. There's no way her recounts can be real. Medication is obviously the way to go." She argued, staring into my eyes and daring me to argue.

She didn't know me well. I was most certainly going to argue.

"Piper you would be surprised at what is real. Obviously you have lived a very sheltered life. Her recounts are very real." I scoffed, walked back up to her placed my hands on either side of her body to steady the chair.

I leaned down to her level, and placed myself right in her face.

"She's haunted by the truths of her past, and not talking about it will only lead to her making rash choices to make the thoughts go away. That's the thing Piper, sometimes the thoughts are so loud they drown out every other noise. They consume you and take you to a place you always thought you would never go. The only thing that helps is talking about it." I said this to get a rise out of her, to see if she was like me. I knew first hand what manic depression did to a person, I lived with it everyday.

My highs were high, but my lows were very low. And I lived in the lows most days.

She inched closer to my face, her nose almost touched mine.

"For starters, you know nothing about me so don't judge my life. I am far from sheltered. I've seen things you only have nightmares about. Experienced things that would make any sane person weak. And talking about it has never helped. Shutting it all out, now that's a winner." Her words were laced with venom, directed right at me.

I didn't understand why her anger made me want to kiss her even more. I didn't understand anything where it concerned her. Without even thinking I moved my hands to her thighs, gripping them as my lips pressed into hers.

I could feel the padding underneath her sweats for only a second, before she jumped out of the chair and got right back in my face. Only it wasn't padding, it was bandages. I knew then exactly where she cut herself. That was why she winced when the book hit her lap.

"How dare you!" She screamed. Her finger rammed into my chest with each word, as she pushed me backwards into the wall.

I felt like I wanted to vomit. Bile rose in my throat as I thought about that damn razor piercing her perfect skin. All reason left me, leaving behind a wild need to see it. To just look at the scars. I needed to see them to know it was real.

I pushed her roughly on the bed, and fisted my fingers around the waistband of her sweats. Without a word I yanked them down and gasped. Both of her thighs were covered heavily in bandages.

I was right.

Dropping to my knees in front of her, I pulled the bandages away and stared down at the ugly jagged marks left on her skin. There were so many of them; scars, red lines that had barely scabbed over, but what stood out the most was the ones that were still bleeding, as if she had done it only moments before I got here. Her hands tried to cover them, to stop me from seeing the ugliness there, but I pried them away and continued to stare.

"What the fuck is this Piper?" I asked, my fingers tracing along the scabs and scars.

Tears sprang to her eyes and she refused to look at me.

"No one was supposed to see that." She said quietly. "How could you force yourself on me like that?"

I choked on my own saliva, desperation filling the room with her cries. I didn't know how to make it better. I just wanted to see her smile again. Why had I done that?

I leaned down and kissed the wounds, over and over again, until I could bear to look up at her again.

"What are you doing?" She asked with a shaky voice.

"I'm showing you that even the ugly can be pretty. Whatever is consuming you and causing this- this need- just talk to me. The longer you bottle it up inside you the worse it will get. Please Piper, let me help you. I might not be a licensed doctor yet, but I know what I'm doing. I know pain."

She pushed me off of her, yanked her sweats back up and pointed at the door.

"It's time for you to leave."

"I won't leave you like this. I know what it's like. I know the feeling of wanting to die. Of wanting to escape the pain. You and I, we aren't much different. Please don't shut me out." I begged, hoping she would see reason.

"Get the fuck out or I'll throw you out." She screamed, and pointed at the door again.

"I just want to help."

She ran out the door, and her feet pounded the ground as she ran down the hallway.

"Security!" She shouted. "Security!"

I didn't need the trouble with security. My dad's money could get me out of a lot of things, but this wasn't one of them. So I resigned myself to the fact I couldn't do anything more and I walked away.

Everything in me was screaming to just go back. To argue until she saw it my way, but my feet just moved away from her.