what are tears

yukhei was the first man that loved him in that way;

🌼

"jungwoo is coming and you didn't even bother cleaning your room!?"

yukhei was laying down the sofa, staring out of space, and he was suddenly bombarded by his mother's nags that are like a gun's bullet being shot at him. groaning, he took the remote control and volume up the show he is watching so he wouldn't be able to hear what his mother is saying.

"yukhei!"

now seeing her block his sigh from the flat screen tv, the male heaved out a sigh as he finally answered. "i just got home from work, let me rest."

placing both her hands on her hips, she gave her son a look. "but you always clean your room whenever jungwoo visits."

❝that's in the past, okay?❞ he switched from another language to tell her that he wasn't in the mood to continue this conversation.

not only was he tired from work, but he's also disheartened by the news about his bestfriend.

days, months, a whole year. that's how long time passed by after he had his argument with jungwoo about his boyfriend's proposal. sure, they ended it well and came to an agreement to accept it, but it was honestly hard for yukhei to move on from it. it even became worse when the two had no time for each other already, when they had to be awake for their jobs. his bestfriend had to go out of the country along with his boyfriend and yukhei had to stay because he had his work there. everyday he just keeps on missing him, video calls aren't even enough.

he attempted to move on but it'll only lead him to drinking, getting drunk for the whole night, and get an earful of scoldings from his mother the next day. drinking was now crossed out in the list, he tried to get himself to go on dates. sadly, none of them caught his eye. all he could think of is his bestfriend and how he doing is right at that moment. it would be a lie if he says none of this disturbed him during his work hours. he just can't seem to focus without missing him and hoping that things could have just went with his way.

he couldn't seem to get the feelings out from his chest and it hurt yukhei every second he'd remember him.

❝aren't you going to get that?❞ his mother noticed how he wasn't paying attention to what she was saying, thus causing for her to also switch to another language to get his attention.

❝what?❞ the male by the sofa blinked cluelessly but immediately froze upon hearing the knocks by the front door. he then had his eyes widened and emotions gushing as he could already guess who it was. ❝oh..❞

and now, he just received a message from his bestfriend that he'd come to pay a visit. yukhei honestly didn't know what to do, nor what to say, but truly, he felt happy knowing that. although, not fully. the feelings are back and it's hurting him more than ever.

can't he just forget that this ever happened? that falling in love with his bestfriend never happened in their history?

❝stand up!❞ the mother knew why he was acting like that. with jungwoo's absence for half a year, she could see how her son changed and how pathetic he'd always look everytime he comes home from work.

she just waited for him to open up and admit his feelings, which she felt bad seeing him breakdown while confessing to her everything. her son doesn't deserve to be treated like this but then again, jungwoo never intentionally hurt him.

yukhei just didn't have the guts to tell him how he feels till someone finally took his bestfriend from him.

❝stop pulling me..❞ yukhei grumbled, pushing himself up from the sofa and towered over his mother the moment he stood up. looking down at her, he couldn't hide the emotions shown from his eyes.

his mother could see how hesitant he was in seeing him.

"i'll be cleaning up your room." she said, bringing her hand up and fixing her son's messed up hair with it. "both of you stay at the living room for a while."

nodding his head like an obedient child, he first watched her leave the living room and make her way upstairs before gathering the strength to walk towards the front door. he stood there for a good minute hearing the soft knocks from time to time, gripping the door knob with a quivering hand. he slowly twisted it open and as he pulled the door from the inside, he got himself almost stumbling back when a body was thrown to him. having arms wrapped around his waist and head buried on to his shoulder, yukhei bit his lower lip as he couldn't describe what he was truly feeling at that moment.

❝i missed you..❞

that was what yukhei heard coming from the voice that once told him countless of friendly 'i love you's. lifting his arms up, the taller male dropped his head down to the other's shoulder and tightened the embrace that he hadn't been feeling for quite a long while. ❝it's good to see you again, woo.❞

despite of already sniffling at the emotional moment they were having, jungwoo pulled away with a chuckle while wiping the tears falling from his eyes. ❝you've grown!❞ before yukhei could tease him, the older male cut him off and made the statement clearer to understand. ❝into a fine man.❞

❝have i?❞ yukhei closed the door behind the older and rubbed his nape after, not knowing how to handle the compliment. ❝i think i look stressed out because of work.❞

laughing at what he said, jungwoo took the younger's hand and then brought them down to the sofa that's by the living room. ❝the last time i remember us stressing out was when he were still attending school.❞

❝time flies really fast.❞ sitting right next to jungwoo, yukhei had his legs crossed and positioned himself to face the smiling male. ❝and now you're..❞

widening his eyes, the older male started to panic as he saw his bestfriend suddenly crying. not wasting a second, he quickly climbed up to the sofa and neared to yukhei, lifting his hand up just to wipe the tears that are falling. jungwoo furrowed his brows and continued to use the sleeves of his hoodie to wipe the tears, not caring if he'd have it drenched. seeing that he was still sobbing, the older placed both his hands behind the younger's head and pulled him closer, letting him rest on to his chest.

❝yukhei.. what's wrong?❞ he asked ever so softly, stroking his hair while hushing him down.

❝you're getting married.❞

of course yukhei knew what's the reason why jungwoo planned to visit him. other than missing each other, he was aware as to why the older came to pay a visit.

having a small smile forming on his lips, jungwoo leaned down and laid his chin on top of the taller's head. he still had him crying on his chest and he didn't mind having him cry his heart out. he wanted for yukhei to know that he's in his arms, he's safe to show what he's really feeling. ❝nothing will change between us, i'll still be your bestfriend.❞

clutching on to the older's hoodie, yukhei had his eyes shut tight. he couldn't hold it anymore. not only was his tears not stopping, but these emotions were killing him slowly. he wanted to get the burden of his chest. he wanted for this to stop.

he wanted to finally tell him. ❝jungwoo, i love you.❞

it shocked the said male a tiny bit. yukhei was never the one who'd say those three words, but jungwoo replied nonetheless. ❝i do too—❞

❝no, you don't.❞ pulling away, yukhei had his eyes puffed from crying and small pants were coming out from his mouth as he breathed for air. ❝you don't love me the same way i do to you.❞

jungwoo now had his mouth agape, not catching up as to what the other was trying to say. ❝yukhei?❞ he now felt conflicted. he really does love him, he's his bestfriend for god's sake. he just even arrived from the airport and the first thing jungwoo had done was to find a cab and quickly went to yukhei's house. doyoung might be probably looking for him but he can always explain later. he just really missed his bestfriend and now being here, yukhei is telling him that he doesn't love him?

❝but i can't blame you,❞ sniffling, he bit his bottom lip while bringing his hand up to wipe the tears that were still falling down. if this keeps on, he might probably make his own han river of tears. ❝because i know that you love him with your whole heart, i just hope he also returns the same extent.❞

he's bringing doyoung up? jungwoo furrowed his brows and reached out for the younger, was about to help him wipe his tears but stopped as soon as he heard a clear confession from him.

❝i love you jungwoo, more than what you know.❞ he said, voice cracking as he tried to hold back from completely losing himself. ❝more than this, more than being friends.❞

for a second, jungwoo thought of him joking around but the way he looked made it so sincere. and then it hit him, all those times he was with him, his bestfriend already fell for him? ❝w-when did i-it all start?❞

❝i don't fucking know.❞ a curse word had slipped as he was having a hard time restraining himself from just breaking down. ❝it just happened.❞

having an honest say to this situation, jungwoo didn't know what to do. he had so many questions to ask but instead of saying them out loud, he scooted closer to the younger and helped him in wiping his tears.

feeling his soft touch then made yukhei have more urge to just pull him into a tight hug and never let go of him. ❝i j-just realized it all too late. i never knew that those butterflies inside my stomach when we were young was already me liking you.❞ he said, doing his best not to stutter all throughout because he wanted for jungwoo to hear it loud and clear from him. ❝and then the need of me protecting you and being with you after you came out of the closet was already me falling for you.❞ he held onto the older's wrist and stared straight to his eyes. ❝i'm sorry, i kept it a secret from you.❞

jungwoo went back to his seat and looked away with guilty eyes. the promise they had when they were young, where they shouldn't keep secrets from each other. actually, they never broke that promise. the two of them knew each other's fears, hates, and basically everything. not until these feelings came and forced them to had it locked away deep inside their hearts.

yes, even jungwoo had a secret kept.

❝i'm sorry.❞ yukhei didn't even know why he was apologizing. he just felt like these feelings aren't supposed to exist in the first place. ❝i love you, jungwoo.❞

but on the good side, telling it all to him made him feel a slight bit better.

❝i do too.❞

not until he had heard jungwoo's confession. ❝woo, i told you, it's not—❞

❝i liked you when we were kids. i had a large crush on you because of how you'd always be there for me. then i came out to you, only to know that i already fell for you.❞ jungwoo spoke out, not wanting to look at his bestfriend to see how he'd react. ❝we were friends, yukhei. it was wrong of me to feel that way. i didn't want to ruin our friendship. and so, i found doyoung.❞

not being able to move from his place, all those that had been just said was still processing inside yukhei's head. ❝y-you.. used doyoung?❞

as bad as it is, jungwoo nodded his head. looking down, he started to play with his fingers. there might be probably a lot of things he had kept from yukhei. aside from his feelings towards him when they were kids, the break up he had with doyoung wasn't all because he wanted to focus on his study. during that very night, he told him everything about how he had feelings for his bestfriend. he told him how he was using him just to forget about liking yukhei.

but he told doyoung all these not because he wanted to be with yukhei, but because he was genuinely starting to fall for the guy. doyoung wasn't different from his bestfriend, aside from their sense of humor and how awkward doyoung can be at times, but he loved him and cared for him as much as yukhei does. jungwoo just made a decision to fix things and let it all out to doyoung during that night.

the longer he had been with the male, the more he started to forget that he actually had feelings for his bestfriend. it was working, and he was also falling for the right guy. everything was just doing so well until he started to feel guilty for his first purpose as to why he accepted doyoung to be his. he knew that if he wanted for their relationship to be in another level, he should tell him everything and not keep anymore secrets.

part of him was regretting, seeing how mad and disappointed the guy was that night, but another part felt relieved that he got to let it all out.

just like what yukhei is feeling right now, but he was mostly disappointed. they both had mutual feelings yet neither of them made a move or actually looked obvious? so with what he had just heard, he could have been with jungwoo if he had just realized it sooner and told him about it? ❝then.. why?❞

❝i started to love him, yukhei.❞ it was now jungwoo turn to have his eyes welled up with tears, threatening to fall down any second. ❝he became my everything.❞

which is why, he didn't hesitate to give him his yes the moment doyoung proposed to him because he knew he was ready to be with him for the rest of his life.

❝i swear on my heart, yukhei, he's a good man.❞ jungwoo could see that yukhei was feeling tons on emotions with his sudden confession, but he also wanted for the younger to understand him. ❝i promise he loves me and he will never ever hurt me.❞

right at this moment, the two were now looking at each other with sobs already at the back of their throats. tears came rushing down with so many things happening and so many confessions being heard. yukhei hated how it had come to this, but he hated more on himself for not even trying to understand his bestfriend's side and not fully accepting it without having a tinge of hope that maybe, just maybe, the two of them would end up together. he even doubted doyoung when jungwoo, himself, trusts him with all he has.

wearing a small smile with the best he could, jungwoo took his bestfriend's hand and caressed it softly. ❝i know you held me so tight,❞ until now, he was still struck by the younger's confession but he couldn't do anything to it. ❝but now, someone else can.❞

all jungwoo can do is tell yukhei to move on, even though it might hurt a lot and he was clearly aware it wouldn't be easy to do so.

❝if you think about it,❞ intertwining their fingers together, jungwoo hoped that the younger wouldn't be badly wounded by what's starting to happen and the reality of how not all things are meant to be. ❝you are the first man to ever love me this way.❞

even though he had doyoung in his mind and heart, he still took consideration of how his bestfriend felt towards him. knowing how long he has been loving him, it must have been hard for him. he blames himself for being so dense and not realizing it. the kiss they had? jungwoo would like to admit that there was definitely a spark but it didn't grow that much because he still thought of doyoung.

thinking about it, what could have happened if he did tell yukhei back then that he liked him? would he not meet doyoung? would he end up having a strong relationship with his bestfriend? whatever could have happened, jungwoo didn't want to think too much about it because he was already contented with what he has right now and he hopes that yukhei is too.

he honestly felt bad, it looked like he was just playing with his feelings without knowing. but if you ask him, he actually appreciates how long yukhei was waiting and holding it all.

it just so happens that destiny is not on their side.

surprise by the younger's action, jungwoo was suddenly engulfed into a tight and he could hear how fast the younger's heart was beating. ❝yukhei?❞

❝even though i'm hurt..❞ taking deep breaths with jungwoo patiently waiting for his next words, yukhei pulled away and showed him his usual bright smile matching it with the tears rolling down from his cheeks. ❝i never did regret loving you.❞

jungwoo never knew that line would stab him this deep. throwing his body towards the taller male, he earned a laugh from him as he cried out loud. ❝i'm sorry, yukhei. i really am.❞

❝hey.. hey,❞ the younger rubbed circles behind his back as he hushed his apologies down. it hurt to see him with another man but it hurt yukhei more seeing him apologize for something he didn't do intentionally. ❝it's not your fault, neither am i blaming it to anyone.❞ although, he still blamed a little bit part of himself for not making a move when he actually had a chance but what else can he do? what's done is done. ❝some things are really just not meant to be.❞

maybe this can finally be a start of something new after for so long of suffering with seeing someone he loves loving someone else.

it might take a while for this wound to heal but he's wong yukhei, he can go through this.

❝you're right, i held you so tight just like this.❞ yukhei had his arms wrapped around the older's waist as he brought him closer to his chest by tightening his embrace. ❝but now, i'm ready to give you to someone who can do the same.❞

he wondered how it took him so long to learn the ways of acceptance.

"oh god! what is this tension i smell?" yukhei's mother then came down and started to make hand gestures that caused for the two men by the sofa to laugh. "i was just cleaning the room— are you two crying?!"

"mom, stop being so dramatic. i know you heard us." yukhei stated as he rolled his eyes.

pouting, jungwoo then poked his bestfriend's chest. ❝what are you two talking about?❞

❝nothing.❞ facing his mother, yukhei made a face and motioned his hands for her to disappear from the scene.

showing her childish side, she stuck her tongue out but left the two alone anyways. she can always ask her son for the details after all.

❝hey, are you staying long?❞ the younger male asked, now having his eyes on jungwoo that's fixing himself down the space beside him.

❝hm, that depends.❞ tapping his chin, the older tilted his head to the side while giving his bestfriend a knowing smile. ❝are we watching tangled?❞

yukhei couldn't help but puff his cheeks at his bestfriend's choice of disney movie. ❝but i want to watch frozen.❞

❝we can watch both.❞ he wouldn't be able to resist him anyways. ❝i'll just call doyoung and tell him i'm staying over here.❞

standing up from the sofa, yukhei stretched his arms. he actually planned to go to the kitchen for a while and drink water because of all that crying but his tracks were stopped at what he heard from the shorter male. ❝he doesn't know?❞

giving him a sheepish smile, jungwoo only chuckled. ❝i mayhaps quickly went here the moment i arrived.❞

that honestly made yukhei feel warm, but with boundaries of course. ❝you really love me this much?❞

looking up from typing on his phone, a genuine smile was shown on jungwoo's as he admitted to that. ❝i do.❞

❝i love you too.❞ and both of them knew what yukhei meant for that. ❝you're my bestfriend after all!❞

laughing at how bubbly the younger had become, which was odd for some reason since a while ago they were crying their hearts out and looking like they weren't able to breathe, jungwoo lowered his head back and started to send a message to his soon to be partner in life. sending it, jungwoo stared at how many worried messages and calls he had gotten from doyoung.

❝yukhei.❞ jungwoo called out, raising his head just to see the younger coming out from the kitchen holding two glasses of water. ❝you're attending, right?❞

because even though they had already talked this out, jungwoo was still scared that the younger wouldn't be able to take it. if that's the case then, he shouldn't force for him to appear on that very day. he didn't want to see him hurt as he walks down the aisle.

gulping down the whole glass, yukhei wiggled his brows as he gave him a goofy smile. ❝wouldn't want to miss my bestfriend's special day!❞

yukhei knew this was for the best.

it might really take a while to recover from this but hey, it's not yet the end of the world.

and who knows, he might also find someone on that very day.

but for now, ❝woo, i think we should watch frozen first and then tangled.❞ that was his concern.

it's better this way.

⚊ t b c ⚊