TRIGGER WARNING SELF HARM

Troye pov

Connor was sitting on his bed hand over his arm blocking what a new was a bleeding wrist. I gasped loudly and wanted to scream. He seemed horrified that I saw him and I can imagine why.

I didn't know what to think in that moment. All I could do was stare which I'm very sure was not helping.

"I-I.." Connor began stuttering. I cut him off by leaving the room and slamming his door. I know it wasn't fair because he probably is in dire need of my support at the moment, but I just couldn't help it. Everything I knew about him changed in an instant. My baby, he hurts himself.

I had noticed something was off lately. I hadn't seen him in anything other than sweaters and he's been very distant and seemingly ashamed.

      Connor pov

   Well, I done fucked up didn't I? It's rhetorical, you don't need to tell me what I'm already very aware of. I just thought that Troye didn't really love me and his actions just now show it. I feel worthless all the time. No amount of subscribers could make me feel wanted. Because even with them, they don't know the true, miserable me. They know a persona I put on because faking it is the only thing I know how to do right anymore.

     I can't remember the last time I felt happy. It seems so far away that it's just a glimmer from the past so out of reach.  

    But the whole problem is, I did this to myself. I cheated on every relationship I've had, including my current one. I'm so ashamed because I'm in love with Troye. However the guilt has been gnawing at my skin until one day I just decided to cut myself.  I know it's not right to do that. But what else can you do that's close enough to death without dying?

      It took me a few minutes but I chased him out of my door, only to find he was long gone. He called me that night, to say he's sorry and how he should have been there for me instead of running like a coward. All of that made me feel even worse because he will think it's something he did.  Troye can't you see? It's me. I did this to myself because I am a mistake.

      I needed to tell him. No matter if he breaks it off with me or not, he's a great person as deserves to know the truth. Otherwise I'll hate myself forever.

    It's been going on a few months, me and this guy Wendell. I met him at the bar one night while I was heavily drunk and well, things took off from there. Nothing more than casual hookups. But pretty frequent I might add. That's it, tomorrow he's going to know. And I will still hate myself for it. I better also break things off with Wendell. It'll be better this way. At least I hope.