jimin;

i grew up with two loving parents. a witty father, and an absolutely wonderful mother. they showered me with love and care more than i've ever needed, spoiled me with everything i never even asked nor wanted.

i remember frowning every time they come home from their business trips with a whole package only for me. and inside contains lots of toys and clothes that i never even imagined to have. i remember jumping up and down in excitement every time, blessed to have such wonderful parents like them. they loved me, and i was happy.

"hey, i kinda bought this thing, and i don't know how this works," i hear my father's low mumble from the living room entrance, his face puzzled as he stared at some kind of a medium sized device in his hand. "– want to help me figure this out?" he asks.

i stared at him puzzled, inspecting the thing on his hand before gasping in shock. "y-you did not—" i jumped, pushing myself off the couch as i stared at him in such delight and astonishment.

"oh, yes i did, buddy." he grins, eyes enlightened at the sight of my smile.

"dad, that's the latest play station!" i exclaimed, completely losing my shit at the sight of it. my heart leaped in joy as i rushed towards him and threw my hands in an attempt to cage him in an embrace. "you're the best dad ever!" i recall saying, feeling him wrap an arm on my petite body as he ruffles my hair, chuckling along in glee.

"– anything for my little boy." i hear him whisper before pulling away and giving him a high five. "now, how 'bout you help me set this princess up and let's see if you can beat me in mario kart." he challenges, to which i responded with an eager "– then prepare to lose, dad." before the both of us bursted into fits of giggles.

i've always been showered with love from my parents, always been adored and cared after. they never failed to give me the best— always uplifting my sadness and always the one to plaster back the smile on my very lips.

everything was going smooth, all going according to plan. we were happy, all smiles and full of glee. they loved me, and i was happy.

but then reality intervened.

i watched as the family i've once grown to see as something so beautiful, slowly fall apart, the walls painted with our deepest and most treasured memories slowly crumble down piece by piece.

it started when i came home one night with such unlikely sight of my mother seated on the couch, her physique slumped as she cups her face in what seemed like distraught. her posture depressed as her shoulders moves up and down in a certain manner as though she was crying.

i remember rushing to her side as fast as i could, worried and curious as to what might have brought such burden upon my mother. i remember her flinching away the moment my hand held hers as though my very touch was poison.

i remember asking her what's wrong, with my heart clenched and cut in half upon witnessing such heartbreaking sight of my mother crying. seeing her tears were nothing but painful. i've been so used to her gentle and sweet smiles, that seeing her cry was a torture.

i despised the feeling.

she didn't answer. instead, she remained silent, tears continuously rolling down her cheeks. i remember reaching out to wipe her tears, only to have my hand gently slapped away, her head shaking 'no'.

"mum?" i asked, unsure. hurt that she didn't need my comfort at a time like this. "a-are you okay?" i remember asking.

she made no signs of answering any of my questions as she sat there with tears pooling every corners of her eyes, and i had the unfortunate fate of witnessing her tears and not be able to do anything about it.

she remained quiet, never daring to speak as she stares back at me in a way that sent shivers down my very spine. she gazed at me in a mixture of disappointment and sadness, her eyes filled with blues as tears continuously cascades down her cheeks.

but a few moments later, she spoke:

"mommy's just tired, jimin. something terrible happened in the office" she says, "i'll be okay. don't worry, alright?"

but it was in the way she looked away that tells me otherwise. because ever since that fateful night, nothing in the park's household had been alright. since then, the three of us were wrapped in some kind of an awkward atmosphere, embraced by silence as though it was the calm before the huge upcoming storm.

i remember rushing my way and locking myself in my room, hands on my ears as tears angrily well down my eyes. my heart throbbing in utter sadness as i listen to every venomous word that escapes from my parents dear lips, gone was the sweet and perfect family i've come to know.

at first i thought my parents were just going through a temporary misunderstanding, like what usual couples do. i remember my mom telling me that people argue over even the pettiest things because they care too much, and somehow, i held on to that. i ignored the signs as i try to fill my days with positivity— wishing and hoping for things to someday get better.

but things never turn out the way we want them to be.

but that's life,

i guess.

i was with jungkook one morning, picking out gifts for the holiday with a huge smile plastered on my lips like i was the happiest of men. it was the very first time i held his hand, a certain warmth in my chest as i turn to him with the loveliest smile. he is beautiful. he is perfect— the moment, it felt perfect. it felt real, and genuine, and....i don't know, really. all i know was that he made me happy, and guessing by the way his lips curved into a beautiful smile, i made him just as happy as he did to me.

but one thing i should've known was that perfect and real could never exist in the same sentence nor paragraph. it all happened so fast. in just a blink of an eye, everything went downhill. my smile, as though it was stolen, was immediately whipped off of my lips as i whimper in both fear and panic. dumbfounded as i felt a certain sting on my cheek that somehow sent my head to the side, a gasp escaping my very lips the moment i stepped foot at home.

or should i even call it that?

it didn't take for a genius to know that my father, for the first time, had raised his hand against me. he stared at me in utter rage in disgust that it took me a while to decipher whether this man is really my father— the man who once smiled at me so sweetly. the same man who once gazed at me passionately as though he would give up anything just to give me everything. he couldn't be that man, right? he just couldn't be.

this is all wrong— very, very wrong.

"d-dad—" i remember reaching out to him with tears pooling in the corners of my eyes and my hands shaking with my lips quivering in a mixture of fear, panic, sorrow and disappointment.

but before i could even reach him, i felt a kick to my stomach, sending me crawling on the ground as i groaned in pain. "d-dad stop, please." i remember pathetically begging, tears pouring down my cheeks like rain.

that night he called me names, gave me a huge black eye and just completely tore the last bit of hope in me of this family going back to the way it used to be— to how things used to be. that night my father ripped every remnants of great memories i've had of him and replaced it with a monster that i now have come both feared and hate.

the beatings became more aggressive with each day and fuck ups i make, to the point that i've learned to just not care at all. it became my constant toxic that it doesn't bother me anymore, that i no longer try to resist and beg for mercy because i know i ain't getting that shit anytime soon. my skin grew thick, numbing every pain and bruise my father tries to inflict on me.

surely, as time passed, i've grown to accept that fact that whatever heaven or bliss was it that i experienced when i was still a child, will no longer exist and will now just be a distant memory. as years passed, it didn't bother me anymore.

but clearly it bothered jungkook

big time.

i've always known he loved me. i've always been aware of his feelings for me. and i loved him too, with all my heart. and i know despite his constant craving for me to say the words, deep down he knows. i know he feels it too. that i'm just as crazy about him as he is to me.

i mean, best friends don't normally make out and touch each other in such places only meant for a lover. we were more than best friends, and i know deep down he knows it.

i know jungkook, just like me, has an abusive father that he can't get away from. but unlike me, he has seokjin, his older brother who would go the ends of the world just to save him away from the beast he calls papa.

i know with every bruise he sees imprinted on me, it kills him. i know because with every tear that cascades down his cheeks, i die a little inside. i've always hated it when he cries. and he had always hated it when i try so hard to make it seem like things are fine when clearly it's not. i could still remember him crying for me just 'cause i'm too prideful to drop my walls and guards down to even tell him i'm hurting.

so it didn't surprise me to find him, one time, knocking on my door so early in the morning with a deep glare directed at my father. "you bastard!" he screamed at him, his face contorted into a mixture of both frustration and anger. but if you'd look closely, you could see his hands trembling in fear, and all i could do was stand by the staircase with a small grin.

can he be more adorable than this?

that morning, we found ourselves scrambling away from my house as fast as we could in order to get away from my father's wrath. i held his hand despite it being hella sweaty, a huge smile etched on my lips as we ran together hand in hand.

it was blissful.

that time, my father beat the shit out of me when he caught me sneaking back up to my room in the middle of the night. but i was too inspired and happy to even give a single damn, pissing my father even more when instead of groaning in pain, i was smiling in such glee.

the jungkook effect, i guess?

ever since, i thought my father was just beating me up for being gay. i remember him constantly calling me a faggot, and even calling jungkook my puny boyfriend as an insult. i used to think he was just a homophobic asshole who couldn't accept the fact that his son liked other men.

but he wasn't.

turns out he was just lost, broken hearted and betrayed. he so loved my mother that learning about her infidelity made him lose his mind, stuck and caged by the many why's in his head, questions that are begging to be answered but could never be. and i guess his heart shattered even more upon learning that the son that he have come to know as his wasn't really his to begin with— that the son he so loved was the product of the sole reason for his damped and shattered heart.

and upon knowing that,

it shattered me.

it's kinda fucked up knowing that your whole life was nothing but a lie. everything you believed in— gone. for others, it doesn't sound as heart wrenching as it is, since none of them really experienced to be played like a fool. to grow up believing in something, only to be told that everything you believed in was nothing but a lie. and now, you're stuck overthinking everything, to the point that you could no longer distinguish the truth from the lie, so you don't know what to believe anymore, lost in the wildness of your thoughts that you don't realise that slowly, you're slipping away from the surface— that you're falling apart.

learning about the infidelity of my mother shattered me the most. it's scary what love does to us, what it can make us do just to be with someone whom our hearts desire. the fact that someone could love you so much and still cheat fucked me up the most. i was scared and a coward.

i knew jungkook loved me with all his heart. but so did my mother to my father, and yet, she still broke his heart.

it scared the living shit out of me. cowardice took a hold of me, and with a heavy heart and a frustrated mind, i gathered everything i think i'll be needing, and left.

that night, i walked through the city aimlessly, with no certain destination whatsoever. i wanted to just die that time right there, lost and confused about everything. but as i round the corner, i found myself face to face with a very familiar face.

"–park?" he frowns, his face contorted into worry, probably because of the tears pooled in the corners of my eyes. "h-hey, are you okay?" he asks, earning an eye roll from me.

"does it look like it, dumbass?" i snapped.

"no, i'm sorry." he sheepishly apologised, biting his lower lip as he scratches his head like a confused child. "h-hey, if you want you can talk to me about it?" he offers, displaying a small smile for me.

"–then what? you'll pretend you actually give a fuck about whatever is it that's bothering me? tell me half-hearted advices and shit just to make me feel less pathetic? no thanks, kim. i'm good." i remember glaring at him that time, only to regret it the moment a hint of sadness flickered in his eyes.

"i-i just wanted to help," he says. "you seem kinda down and i just wanted to cheer you up." he adds, his voice barely audible, crestfallen and disappointed.

i sighed, guilty for being such a douche. i hesitated, wanting to just deal with this shit alone but at the same time just wanting to let it all out. in the end, i found myself in front of kim fucking taehyung, the weird kid who's very much obsessed in becoming my friend, a coffee in hand with him listening attentively to everything.

i told him about everything— from the very start where it all began up 'til the very end, not leaving a single thing out, my heart ripping in pieces upon recalling how loved and adored i was back when my father still saw me as his son rather than an outcome from a very traumatic and heart wrenching sin of my mother's infidelity.

i told him i ran away from home, no longer feeling safe nor do i feel at peace after discovering that my whole life was nothing but a pathetic lie— that if i stay a little more longer, i'm afraid i'd slip away completely. even the thought of going back to that wretched place suffocates me. i am never going back to that place; to that family; and simply that life.

"– where'll you go, then?" i hear him ask, his voice serene and very comforting.

"the streets? the dumpsite? anywhere." i tell him, leaning back into my seat as i stared at the window, just blatantly speculating the many people that passes by. "compared to that house and that family, anywhere is home, better, and safer."

he sighed, pursing his lips into a thin line as though he is in deep thought. "if you want, i can ask hoseok to let you stay at our place for a while and help you look for a job, yeah?" he offers after a while of thinking.

and all i could do was stare at him in silence, slightly taken aback by his offer but completely suspicious and cautious. "i've been anything but kind to you, kim." i tell him. "why are you being so kind to me?"

"you were scared, there's a difference." he tells me as my brows scrunched in confusion. he chuckled, probably realising just how confusing his reply was. "— what? you don't think i don't notice how badly you want to hang with us but just too scared that we might not want you so you decide to close your heart completely and pretend you don't care at all. you're afraid we might disappoint you just like how your parents did to you, the very people you least expected to do so. you tell jungkook he's your best friend but what you really mean to say is you love him too much that you're afraid you might just break him in the end. so you settle for being best friends because you're unstable and you don't want to disappoint him and lead him into something you're not sure you can provide— all of this, is just your way of preventing yourself of becoming a disappointment. you've been hurt too much that everything scared you. even right now, i can see that talking and opening up to me scared the shit out of you. but you needed to tell someone or you might lose your mind completely. it could be just anyone, i just happen to bump right into you than the stranger you had in mind." he finishes off, his eyes screaming nothing but assurance with the promise of everything good in the world.

"wow," was all i could breathe out. "—stalker much?" i follow after, earning a hearty chuckle from him.

"so, what's your plan?" he raises a brow. "—because accept it or not, you and i are gonna be best friends."

this time, it was me who raised a brow. "jungkook's my best friend, you idiot." i tell him.

he rolled his eyes. "excuse you, he's your boyfriend. don't at me." he says, making me chuckle, agreeing at the idea.

we talked about everything after that, sealing the deal of being best friends with two glasses of coffee, a french toast, and a carrot cake. we talked about everything with him telling me about his insecurities and worries about his boyfriend hoseok and I with my family and jungkook.

but also, after that bond we shared, i decided to just leave the town completely. the city's just nothing but a haunted place for me. a lot of things happened and i realised i need to start everything from scratch. i want to start over again, and what good would it do me if i stay in a place where every street, every corner, and every intersection is where all of my darkest and deepest memories reside.

i wanted to breathe and this was place is just doing nothing but suffocate me.

taehyung didn't like the idea. we just signed a deal to be the best of friends so i can't just leave him be. i shouldn't. but i needed to. so with a heavy heart and a sad smile, he waved his hand goodbye as i boarded the train to seoul, smiling as i paused just by the now closed doors and muttered the words i've long been wanting to tell him.

"thank you," surely, he couldn't hear me say the words but guessing by the bright smile that took place in his lips, i think he got the idea.

when taehyung was already out of sight, i felt my phone vibrate in my pants, fishing it out and reading the text sent to me brought the tears i've been holding back for so long cascade down my cheeks like rain, my heart heavy like like a ship shrinking deeper and deeper into the ocean.

i love you, but i gotta love myself too. i'm sorry.