jungkook;

"he's never coming back, is he?" i could hear the sound of my voice shaking, withering as the echoes of my words rang through my mind like a broken record, and for a moment, i couldn't stop but feel disappointed in myself.

i know how completely stupid i am. i am fully aware how much of a martyr i've become- how foolish it is to chase a man who is too keen and determined in running away. i'm an idiot, so i've been told. it's suicide, they say, to love a man who is broken from inside out. because they never get better no matter how hard i'd try. instead, they'd sink themselves in their pool of sadness and drown further, ignoring every outstretched hand waiting to save them, broken and afraid.

"maybe, maybe not. nobody really knows, jungkook." yoongi shrugs, sipping his beer as he stares up the lonely sky. "jimin has always been a peculiar case." he adds, and he says this with a fond smile and a brief nod of his head as if remembering a silly memory.

leaning back on the roof and starring up at the sky, a wave of sadness briefly bypassed me as I recall the nights when jimin and I would be too lazy to get up to go out and have fun, and instead he'd just sneak into my room in the middle of the night and we'd spent the entirety of it staring up at the sky and laughing with just about everything. our nights were always spent blissfully, never a dull moment would pass by. 

those were the moments i miss the most; when we'd run out of things to say and just look at each other with a small smile on our face, and him looking so beautiful under the magnificent luminescence of the moon, and i betrayed by my eyes as it stares back at him with such longing and adoration, speaking of the words i never could. it hangs by the tip of my tongue, the words, ready to sum up every word to tell him how much i adored him- how much i'd give just to preserve such marvelous moment and hope that it never ends.

i wanted to tell him a lot of things. i wanted him to know how much he meant to me, how much he changed me. i wanted him to know. but i would always cower at the last minute, biting my tongue as i take a step back, throwing away every chance i get to speak my heart. now that he's gone, i regret looking away every time he stares at me. i regret holding back.

"i hate to be that kind of guy, kook. but you have to chill out, man." as i look to my side, i watch as yoongi pulls out his lighter and lit up a stick of cigarette in his mouth.

"it's been three months since i last heard from him, hyung." i tell him. "i can't possibly just sit still without getting worried that something bad might've happened to him."

"he sends you good morning texts every day, jungkook. i'm sure that alone explains that he's fine. don't be such a drama queen, you're making yourself miserable over nothing." he retorted, rolling his eyes as he heaves another smoke of his cigarette.

"easy to say but hard to do, hyung." i replied, sounding annoyed. "you don't know how it feels like. i mean, you're family's here. you can hug them, kiss them, and spend time with them without the boundary of having to miss them every night when you're alone."

"no, jungkook." he tells me, finally looking my way as he stares me dead in the eye, a certain kind of irritation in his gaze. "the problem with you is that you're selfish. all you think about is yourself, and what you feel. i get that you're hurt and worried but think about it, do you really think jimin doesn't miss you right now? do you think he's having the best time of his life being on his own out there? no. but he needs to. he needs to heal. he's just as hurt as you are, and he probably miss you as much as you do." he frowns. "jimin didn't run away because he wanted to get away from you. he ran away because he needed to breathe away from here. it's not that easy to heal, jungkook, and you of all people should know that. might i remind you that jimin never forced you to love him or do all sorts of things for him. you did that because you wanted to- because you love him. you asked for this. you wanted jimin. this is jimin. he's messy, confusing, broken, and an idiot. either love the entire him or leave, that's just that. no in between(s)."

by the time he finished, i couldn't help but gape at what he just said. it took me a moment to process his words, only to look away as i swallowed the lump forming in my throat. i've never seen things this way. me? selfish?

i opened my mouth to speak but for some reason, i can't form any words to say. i am speechless. a part of me wants to retort but deep inside i know yoongi's words made sense. jimin never forced me to  love him. i just did on my own. in fact, he never asked me anything other than to wait for him. maybe i'm being too impatient? i mean, jimin said he needed time, and instead of growing up and see things from his perspective, all i did was whine and rant about him taking too long to return. maybe that was why he left. because he didn't want to burden me with all his problems, all the baggage he has on both of his shoulders. 

was i too selfish and impatient?

"he'll come around, jungkook." i hear yoongi say before i felt a soft pat on my back. "he promised, didn't he?"

"y'know," yoongi added when i didn't respond. "he has a life of his own, and you do too. although jimin is one astonishing idiot and you find him to be the most beautiful piece of shit to ever grace this planet, but he's still just a human too. he gets hurt and sometimes he loses his mind. but that's why he left, he wanted to fix himself before he could come to you, and i'm sure wherever he is, he hopes you're doing the same thing."

at this, i couldn't help but frown. "b-but why does he need to leave to fix himself, hyung? i mean, he can grow right next to me. i can be strong for us. isn't that what love is? you help them?"

"yeah, it is. but that is not love is all about, jungkook-ah." yoongi says this with such tender in his voice, a certain side of him that not many sees. "- according to robert henlein: love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. it means when you love someone, their emotions become your own. you smile if he smiles, you laugh if he laughs, and you cry if he cries. that's why it is essential to find peace and happiness on your own before going out and looking for someone to love; relationships are not where you find happiness, it is where you share it."

"it's annoying how much you always know all the right words to say, hyung." i could only grumble under my breath, earning a hearty chuckle from him. "i really hate you, hyung, did you know that?"

"-hate me 'cause you ain't me." he retorts. 

i could only look at him in disgust. "seriously, hyung? of all the comebacks you could come up with that genius head of yours and you opted for that very overused quote. unbelievable." i cringed.

"oh, you think i'm a genius?" he smiles proudly. "better than namjoon?" he jokes.

"i regret saying that."

"no, you don't."

"shut up, hyung, nobody likes you."

yoongi was about to retort when seokjin's voice blared from the window. we looked over to see him holding a plate of what seemed like cookies with a gentle smile on his face- "i baked cookies, do you want som-- min yoongi why the fuck are you smoking in my roof?!"