Illusion

noun – 1. a false or unreal perception or belief. 2. a deceptive appearance or impression.

Well I suppose you're getting closer dictionary.

The story that was given out was that Xandrell and I had seen a bomb being planted and had desperately tried to get everyone out. While those who listened went with Xandrell, I had gone into the bathrooms to persuade others. When the bomb exploded, I was trapped and when I didn't emerge from the burning building after the other screaming teenagers, Xandrell went in after me. In the chaos that followed, no-one noticed we were gone until it was too late. By the time we were found, we'd both passed out from smoke inhalation. I'd slipped into a coma, but for him... it was already too late.

"And then..." concluded James with a slight shrug. "...you've been in a coma for two days, and we've missed school to stay here with you."

I looked up from my fingers in my lap to him. "And how much of that is true?"

It had been something of a consolation, seeing them all again. I think that they felt a similar feeling, since when they had arrived that day, Sophie, Charlie and Ceci had all flung their arms around me when they saw I was awake, while Tasha had burst into tears again. I wanted to pretend that it had all been a dream, and that the given story was the truth, but then I saw the horrible burn along Tasha's arm, and the deep score in Charlie's arm when he stretched so his t-shirt sleeve rolled down.

"Only the last bit." said James. "The Stagrians modified the memories of everyone else at prom... you know, except us." he added gesturing around the room where my four other best friends were milling around doing about as much as you can do in a hospital, as they had been the days before, as they waited for me. Lucy was staring aimlessly out of a window while Charlie, Tasha and Sophie had all swapped magazines and were just sitting reading. Charlie had gotten the raw end of the deal by ending up with Tasha's 'Women's Only' magazine... if it were possible, they looked even more bored than they did in our English lessons. I was being kept in for observations for a while, and in that time, my mother would look after Molly. The hospital said they would let me go in a week... just in time for the funeral...

"So then what really happened?" I asked after a moment. "How did.... how did he and I end up in the burning building? How did you guys and Molly escape?"

"Simple." said James with a grin as he tapped the top of his head. "I used this,"

"The overdose of hair gel came in useful then?"

"Oh ha ha." he retorted, narrowing his eyes at me. "Actually, as it turns out, the Stagrians are very superstitious."

"How did you find that out?" I asked frowning.

"Well..." James said slowly, a slightly mischievous look creeping onto his face. "One of them went to touch you to see if you were dead when another one grabbed him and said 'are you mad? You know what happens when you touch a dead body!' And then they both started doing this weird voodoo dance around you."

"...bit weird..."

"Tell me about it. Anyway, this is where the old overdose of hair gel came in handy."

"Oh God..." I said warily, my eyes widening. "James, what did you tell them?"

He gave me an innocently bewildered look. "I told them the truth... that it had been foretold that I was the next supreme overlord of the world."

"Oh God..." I said again closing my eyes. "That was what I was afraid of."

"Well you guys are always saying I'd be dictator of the Earth one day!" he cried, sounding indignant. "Technically it has been prophesised!"

"So you basically took advantage of an innocent society's beliefs for your own personal gain." I muttered opening my eyes and glaring at him.

"Technically they weren't that innocent." James muttered. "They'd just murdered the Prince of the Lokah people."

I sighed before slumping back against my pillows. "Whatever." I muttered. "Carry on."

"Well, then Charlie piped up that it had also been foretold that unless I had some human-alien hybrid, it wouldn't happen." said James slowly. "Which is why we had needed Molly. Then of course they all went ballistic. They don't like changing those sorts of predicted outcomes. They think it'll lead to the end of the universe..."

I stared at him. "That is... supremely weird."

"Yeah." muttered James. "You know, compared to everyone else on his planet, Xandrell actually seemed completely normal." I flinched at the sound of his name, and James looked up shocked. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." I croaked. It felt strange hearing his name casually tossed around like that. I almost felt like I wanted to be sick.

"Anyway..." continued James, looking slightly awkward now. "Charlie then announced that he thought he heard crying, ran down into the valley and came back about a minute later with Molly. They said they obviously couldn't take her, considering that she was my 'key to bringing the prophecy to light'... sounds a bit like some sort of romantic thing... it's a bit pathetic really isn't it?"

I shrugged. "Maybe." I didn't want to give any definite answers in this argument. I was taking no sides. Despite the hatred I felt whenever I thought about them purely for the fact they'd killed him, I found I couldn't think badly of his world, or his people. Maybe because of the things he had told me about that world... I felt connected to it somehow. After all... it was half Molly's home.

"We asked about like, what was going to happen to you...." he continued, frowning. "...they said it had never been tested. Sometimes, that whole healing with their kiss thing, well they said usually it's fatal... like for both people... we didn't know whether you were alive or not at the time... they helped us get you back into the burning building and stuff... we were just like everyone else... you know, relieved when the firemen got you out and said you were still alive..."

I shrugged. "He did that healing kiss thing before and I only went into a coma for two days. I guess that's like the human limit." I said matter of factly.

James shook his head at me. "You must be one of the few people in the world who can talk about going into comas and act nonchalant."

"What about Molly?" I asked frowning up at him. "I mean she's half Stagrian. What's going to happen when she kisses people?"

James shrugged. "I didn't ask to be honest. At the time, I couldn't think of anything else to say, I just needed them to help us replicate our version of what had happened. Of course they were only too willing to oblige to the future ruler of the Earth."

I rolled my eyes. "That's really bad James... but thanks for helping us out."

He grinned at me. "Don't mention it. What else are best friends for?"

I smiled weakly at him, not feeling it reach my eyes. "What else indeed?"

I lay awake that night as I had for the last few nights. How was I meant to sleep? Every time I closed my eyes, I saw his awful battered burnt body, staring at me with empty eyes, mouth agape, as though he were shouting, screaming, somehow telling me how this was all my fault. I felt my heart breaking again and again every second I went on living, especially whenever my thoughts were on him.

It had almost felt wonderful, when they'd taken me to see his body, which sounds bad to be honest. I almost cried when I saw the poor charred remains of the boy I'd fallen in love with. But when I saw that the blood staining his body was a deep dark crimson. I had almost laughed with happiness. I'd turned to Charlie with an almost ecstatic look on my face.

"It's not him!" I whispered, and it had felt so good to think it, that I wanted to go on thinking it. The hair was almost perfect, almost exactly as his had been, even his features looked calm and serene, the way I would have wanted him to look.

But Charlie shook his head at me sadly. "It is, actually."

"No it can't be!" I told him fiercely. "He has gold blood, and diamond organs."

It was at this point that the nurse that had brought us in decided I was going mental and went to get me a sedative.

"Amy..." said Charlie slowly and quietly. "That is Xandrell... the Stagrians used this kind of dye to stain his blood, so he could pass off as a human... James told me..."

I shook my head and looked back at the body we'd been brought to, feeling the tears coming again.

"He's not dead..." I whispered, trying to blink away the tears welling in my eyes.

Charlie then carefully put his arms around me and held me close. "I'm sorry Amy." I let myself lean into his chest and waiting for the tears to come...

But they didn't. In fact, when I tried to feel whatever was inside me, I suddenly felt nothing.

The week in the hospital dragged, even though my friends came in to visit me every day. Every second seemed to bring fresh stabs of metaphorical agony which made me ache all over. Eventually it was over, and I was in the car, bouncing along the road towards home. I spotted the point where the big oak had used to be visible over the roofs of the houses. It was gone.

"What happened to the oak tree?" I asked, looking up at my mother.

"There was a fire in the park about a week ago." she said, not taking her eyes off the road. "The tree was burnt to the ground."

"So it was." I said frowning out the window again, as fresh memories of that night swam to the top of my mind, and I felt myself needing to break down again. But when I tried to find a part of me that needed to cry, I could find nothing.

Within a few days, I found myself putting on a black dress as well as putting a little black frock on Molly. She kept whimpering and holding out her little arms, waiting to be cuddled. I held her, but for some reason, couldn't find it in me to hold her close, and to let her feel loved.

We ended up walking to the church, since my mother was in no fit state to drive, she couldn't stop the tears falling down her face. We had had to throw together the funeral quickly we had wanted to get out of this part of our lives, this part with Xandrell in it as quickly as possible. As horrible as it sounded, I felt that was best for my mother, as well as for the rest of my family. I hadn't seen the coffin my mother had chosen, having spent the past week or so in the hospital. My father had gone away again, once he'd known I was awake after my whole going into a coma trick. My mother and Jenny were in floods of tears, and Nathaniel who had no idea what was going on, tried to feel like one of the family by bawling his little heart out too. Molly continued making her little whimpering noises, and I could tell she was upset, and trying not to upset me.

The second my friends were in view, she reached out with her little pudgy hands for Charlie. I almost felt a little hurt, but then, I reasoned, she wasn't exactly getting much affection from me at the moment. I held her out to Charlie, who immediately scooped her up and held her close, and suddenly she was bawling her eyes out, and once she'd calmed down a little, I heard her whispering to Charlie about how upset she was over 'Daddy's' death and how I wasn't acting the same anymore. For some reason, I got the impression, from the way he looked at me that he felt exactly the same way about me.

My eyes locked on the coffin as I entered the church, and I felt my legs stop. It was made of a beautiful reddish mahogany with golden coloured handles. I was sure they weren't really gold. Closed casket I noticed... but then, no-one wanted to be haunted by the face they had shown me in the hospital morgue. I felt Sophie grip my hand and lead me through the aisle to the front of the church. I could feel the eyes of everyone in the church on me, staring and staring, their eyes burning holes into my black dress. Sophie sat me down in my seat and took the seat beside me. My eyes suddenly fell on the photograph resting on top of the coffin. It was an extract from the group picture taken of us at Prom. His arms were wound around me holding me close to him, the smile he was flashing to the cameras was genuine, and made him look so beautiful, I felt a lump rise in my throat, but still tears did not come. I had always been right. He had looked better than me at Prom.

Sophie sat clutching my hand, giving it the occasional squeeze for support. I won't lie. It was really good feeling, knowing that there was someone was there for me at this moment, but I still felt emptier than a bank account at Christmas. After all, how long would Sophie be next to me for? When the funeral ended, I'd be facing the truth alone again.

The Reverend stood and asked that we stand and sing the hymn 'Because He Lives', and I saw such sick irony in that that was a funeral hymn that I almost smiled. I nearly kicked myself for it. For Christ's sake, it was a funeral. Moreover, it was the funeral of the one I'd loved more than anything in the universe. Why the hell wasn't I crying?

After the hymn, Tasha got up at the front of the church and began a short speech she'd written. It had been me asked to do something, but I found that words just wouldn't come to describe him, or how I felt. I didn't have a problem with Tasha saying something.

It wasn't long however before she was going off on a tangent about what a good, kind, loving person he was, and about how everyone liked him. I fought the urge to glance at James. I found myself sitting there thinking about how I would have done this. She'd missed out a lot of details, like how brave he was, how good-looking, how generous, how sometimes, he could get too much, but the more you pushed him away, the more you wanted him to be near you. But at the same time, how lonely he was, how protective and afraid he could be. She'd missed out that he had been an alien to the way of life we'd shown him, and indeed, to human way of life in general. She'd missed out how unique he was.

I began to wonder vaguely whether this was the right thing to do, having a Christian funeral. He hadn't been a Christian... but on the other hand he hadn't been anything else either... nothing from this world anyway.

The Reverend asked that we stand as three of my mother's friends, an estranged uncle and two men I didn't know moved forward and raised the coffin up onto their shoulders. Slowly and solemnly, they began to walk down the aisle of the church, their heads down. I felt a jolt in my stomach as they walked past me. The knowledge that the one I loved, the father of my daughter was in that box, cold and alone, made me feel similar to the way I had that horrible moment at Prom when no-one would leave, a mixture of despair and desperation. What I was desperate for, I'll never know.

I got to my feet as did everyone around me and followed the coffin bearers out to the churchyard. We walked in a slow solemn line, trying to follow their footing. I heard Sadie somewhere behind me make a comment to Frankie that she hated graveyards. A long hidden part of me wanted to hit her, but I found I couldn't connect my body to this angered part of my mind.

The funeral bearers stopped at the already dug grave. I frowned at the strips of material stretched across the hole and half wondered if it would really hold the weight of the coffin. The awful vision that when they removed the wooden supports that the coffin would just crash down into the hole. What if it burst open and everyone saw his horrible burnt body. I didn't want to see him again; it would make it so much more real.

They placed the coffin over the hole and the Reverend took his place where the gravestone would eventually be. He began his speech about commending his body to the earth, something about ashes and dust, as they removed the supports and began to slowly lower the wooden box into the ground. My mother tapped me on the shoulder. I looked round just in time for her to thrust a lily into my hands. I stared at her for a long moment before she pointed at the grave and mouthed 'drop it in'.

I moved forward and looked down into the hole. The red wood of the coffin was so polished it seemed to shine, in spite of it being in a place so cold, dark and alone... just like him... I didn't want to leave him down there. I didn't want him to be alone. I wanted to cry for him, and to finally feel he was at peace. I looked down at the beautiful lily in my hands. I slowly raised it to my face and sniffed its sweet smell, before kissing one of the petals.

"I love you." I whispered, saying it aloud for him now, as I never had for him before, and I released the flower from my fingers, watching as it flew through the air, as though in slow motion, to land on the wood where I guessed his chest would be.

People kept running up and hugging me after the funeral, offering their condolences, and comforting words such as "He's in a better place" and "We're here if you ever want to talk." I barely heard them to be honest. Nothing was going in... but I didn't really know what to think... it was easier to just drift through this kind of unconscious consciousness than to even begin to try to reach out to someone else, or to try to let someone else in.

We didn't hold any little get together afterwards. It would have been too weird, the whole atmosphere of 'he's gone, let's have a party'. I simply put Molly down on the play mat where my mother had left my little brother before turning to run upstairs

"Hold it." said my mother, just as I put my foot on the first step. I looked back at her. She was frowning at me as though I'd done her a great wrong, her hands on her hips. Her voice sounded quietly cross. "Amy, you're acting very strangely at the moment."

I blinked at her. Of course I was acting strangely. The one I loved was dead for crying out loud! How could she be so stupid?

"Are you going to talk to me?" asked my mother, raising her voice a little.

I just blinked again, trying to find the part of my mind that operated my voice. I couldn't find it.

"Amy, are you listening to me?" said my mother angrily, moving right up to me, so she was looking straight at my eyes. "I'm losing my rag here girl!"

I just looked at her. This wasn't like my mother at all. What was going on?

"GOD DAMMIT AMY!" yelled my mother. "I'M PATIENT, BUT I WON'T TOLERATE INSOLENCE!"

I didn't see her hand fly up... in fact I barely felt it slap my face. I just saw as her expression turned to one of utmost horror. I just saw her face crumple as she looked appalled at what she had done.

"I'm sorry..." she whispered. "... Amy you don't think...I miss him too... I just... you didn't cry... you're not responding... Amy, I think you need to see a doctor..."

I just looked at her. I wasn't sick, why should I go to a doctor? I was beginning to wonder if my mother was the one that needed the doctor.

"Just get out of it, Amy." she said, turning away. "Go on, get out of my sight."

So I went. I wandered up the stairs and into my bedroom, before lying down on my bed and staring at the ceiling. I needed to sleep. I hadn't slept for days. I'd just lain awake, and then walked like the living dead. But every time I closed my eyes, I saw that awful bloody burnt face, which always forced me to open my eyes again.

Days passed. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I barely drank. I just lay staring at my ceiling, waiting for night to fall. At least when night came, I could pretend the sight behind my eyelids was just a nightmarish creature, just a figment of my imagination. I prayed for nights to come, when things seemed easier, somehow better.

It was about a week after the funeral that there was a knock at the door. I heard my mother talking for a minute before hurrying up the stairs and pushing my door open.

"Get dressed Amy." she commanded. I turned my head slowly to look at her. She shook her head at me. "God, you're a wreck girl. Come on, get up. Your friends are at the door. They said do you want to come up to London today? You do don't you."

I didn't answer, just pushing back the covers and tugging on the fresh clothes my mother handed me while she forced a brush through my greasy hair. "For God's sake Amy, look at yourself. When was the last time you put a brush through this mop?"

I didn't answer, thinking hard... wow... the last time I had brushed my hair was the morning of the funeral.

Eventually, I was presentable enough to go downstairs. My mother ushered me down while I had to concentrate hard just to get my foot on the next step

"Hey Amy." called Sophie, waving from the door. "Lucy and Tasha are at the station already, do you want to come with us, because it's ok if you don't."

"She'd love to come." said my mother grabbing my bag and a twenty pound note from her purse. "Go on now, love, have a good time ok?"

I frowned slightly before wandering over to Sophie, and out of the door. Sophie gabbled about anything and everything on the way to the station, and I think she managed to pick up that I wasn't in the mood to talk. Sophie was good at picking up things like that. I noticed that she tactfully didn't say a word about boyfriends, or about Xandrell. I noticed that when we caught up with the others too. They talked about school, celebrities, the prospect of college, even the upcoming exams. Not one of them said a word about Xandrell. It was so weird... the way they were acting, it was like he'd never existed.

The day almost dragged. I didn't say a word. I didn't know what to say. I still couldn't find the part of my mind that would allow me to speak. I wasn't sure I wanted to though. Somehow, it felt safer bouncing along on the train, my friends chattering around me so it became like background noise, and just watching the buildings whizzing past, just seeing the clouds drifting listlessly across the azure skies. Finally, we reached our stop to change trains to take us into the heart of London.

We stood around on the station, no-one talking about anything in particular, me not talking at all. I shoved my hands into my pockets and sighed. I dearly wished I could've stayed behind today. I wasn't exactly the best company here. I looked up across the platforms, not really seeing, just looking, when suddenly, something caught my eye.

It was a tall, male, longish dark haired something... quite slim, a male models body... standing on the opposite side of the tracks.

My jaw dropped. "Xandrell?" I whispered, before sprinting along the platform, feeling my voice returning, so suddenly, it would've made me jump if it weren't for his presence. "Xandrell!" I called. "Xandrell!"

The boy paused and looked up at me. I saw his face! It was him!

I felt my heart lift as I ran towards him, still screaming for him. "Don't go anywhere, I'm coming! I'm..."

I suddenly felt the ground vanish from underneath my foot and I felt myself fall forwards slightly before I felt a jerk around my navel and then... and then...

There was a roaring scream and the floor juddered violently. I felt myself take a sharp intake of breath as I was slammed on the floor of the platform, my face resting on the nasty smelling ashes of someone's long since stumped out cigarette. The train whooshed past, not stopping for anybody and I had a clear view of the other platform again. I felt myself shivering, but not from the cold.

"Amy? Are you ok?" asked Lucy's voice from somewhere near my ear. "It's ok, you're alright."

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PLAYING AT?!" yelled Tasha's voice. "IF LUCY HADN'T GRABBED YOU, YOU WOULD HAVE DIED AMY!"

I blinked as the Xandrell on the other platform gave me an evil smile I knew my Xandrell would never give me, and I saw his face melt into the horrible twisted burnt face I saw whenever I closed my eyes. "Afraid to go on living yet?" I heard his droning voice taunting in my ears.

I pressed my hands over my ears, but his mocking cries seemed to echo in my mind. "Only if you want me to be." I moaned, trying so desperately to push away the words I knew were just in my head.

"Oh Jesus..." I heard voices muttering above me. I glanced up. People were staring.

"She's in shock, that's all." I heard Sophie's voice. "She'll be alright in a minute."

I looked up at her. "He was there!" I whispered.

Sophie stared at me while Tasha looked around. "Amy, there's no-one here. No-one we know anyway."

I looked over at the other platform, but the horrible twisted Xandrell was gone.

Sophie got on her knees beside me and I felt myself scrambling towards her. She carefully put her arms around me and hugged me tightly. "She's still shivering. Lu, can she borrow your jacket?"

I felt something warm wrap itself around me, and I somehow felt comforted. Around us, I could see people coming towards us, voicing their concern. I didn't want their pity. I closed my eyes, and saw that face, but only for a second...

... because although I didn't really realise it, I'd fallen fast asleep, right there on the platform... safe in Sophie's arms...