"I am not afraid to keep on living,
I am not afraid to walk this world alone,
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven,
Nothing you could say can stop me going home."

My Chemical Romance – Famous Last Words

The sun glared down at the tops of the trees, casting long shadows across the grassy field. A gentle breeze made the boughs of the trees shiver and a leaf drifted down to rest beside the red tartan blanket we'd spread out. I turned my head slightly to look at it from my reclined position. The green leaf was tinged slightly yellow, the edges curling a little. "Autumn's coming way too soon." I observed quietly, but no-one heard me... or if they did no-one paid any attention.

"Uncle Charlie! Give me the ball!" squealed Molly as she sprinted after Charlie.

He laughed. "Come on Moll!" he called kicking the football just a little more out of her reach. "We both know you can run faster than that!"

"I got three jacks." said Tasha laying down a handful of cards.

"Oh you little cheat." muttered Sophie. "I've got four here."

"I need a five letter word that means unusual!" wailed Ceci poring over her crossword. "Anyone got any idea?"

"No idea. I'll keep you posted." I muttered propping myself up on my elbows.

All through college, we'd clung together. Our new friends came and went. The girls got boyfriends, the guys got girlfriends who drifted in and out of their lives. Somehow, and I'm not totally sure how, two years after everything changed, after everything which brought our group closer together, no matter how much the odds were against us, and fate tried to push us apart, we still turned to one another for comfort, and still went everywhere together, did everything together... the only thing we had not done together was the precious moments most teenagers wanted. The parties, the getting drunk out of their heads, experimenting with drugs... I didn't get out, with looking after Molly, and occasionally, on Friday nights, my friends would rather babysit my daughter with me, than follow their college friends. I wondered vaguely if they ever regretted it, however much they insisted they didn't.

Two years had not changed our group so much. James and Charlie were taller, and had deeper voices, Tasha, Sophie, Lucy and Ceci had gotten prettier... me? I was still just Amy Wren, the weird motherly one... but inside, when we were together, we were still just the same.

Charlie came jogging over before flopping down between me and James on the tartan blanket. Behind him tottered a giggling Molly who flopped into my lap, imitating the way Charlie had. "Oh my God, Amy, she's a natural at football. Have you been training her?"

"Give over." sniggered Tasha, taking a biscuit from the packet we were all picking from. "Amy good at football? She's always failed and always will."

"Shut up Tash." I said with a grin. Somehow our general humour had moved on from innuendo after innuendo, to simply insulting each other's skills which we didn't really care about.

"Of course that's the case." muttered James so I glanced round at him. "She's his kid isn't she? She's bound to be amazing and perfect at everything just like him and the rest of his stupid alien race."

"Drop the attitude, mister pessimistic." I muttered, giving him a sharp poke in the side so he jumped a foot in the air with a shriek. The others sniggered until he gave them a dirty look.

"Well it's true isn't it." he mumbled, rubbing where I'd viciously attacked him

My attention was suddenly brought back to Molly who was sitting in my lap prodding me, saying over and over again "Mummy? Mummy? Mummy? Mummy?"

"What is it Moll?" I asked as kindly as I could, looking down at her.

"Mummy..." she said in a somewhat delicate and even nervous way. "Am I ever going to get a new daddy?"

The atmosphere immediately changed from one of good humour to a new kind of tension, the pressure around us felt like it could have been cut with a knife. I could sense the eyes of my friends on me as I stared down at the little dark haired green eyed girl in my lap. In that one moment, in the curious amazement on her face, I could almost see him...

"A new daddy?" I said slowly. "What do you mean sweetie?"

"Well..." Molly seemed almost excited now, knowing that I wouldn't bite her head off. She hadn't mentioned him since the funeral. "I get the definite impression that you miss him, so isn't it only feasible that you should... well you need to find someone new don't you? I mean... wouldn't he have wanted you to?"

I blinked, wondering vaguely how long she'd been holding this back. I still wasn't sure I was ready to talk about this. I mean even the psychiatrists had given up on me in the end. My eighteen year old brain was hurting a little as it whirred away, trying to work out what to do in this situation.

My friends had all remained silent, but I could sense their curiosity. Despite seeing Molly's vocabulary developing and advancing all the time, I think it still took them aback from time to time when they were too taken in by her two year old girl's appearance. She was staring up at me with her huge glittering emerald green eyes, just daring me to respond.

"See now how long have we been telling you that Amy?" said Sophie, recovering from her shocked moment and looking round at me with an expression on her face which clearly said 'I told you so'.

"Yeah, I mean, are you going to listen to her?" asked Lucy.

I hesitated looking back down at the little girl in my arms. Her eyes were wide, and sparkling with curiosity and almost excitement as she waited for an answer.

"Well I don't know Moll." I said quietly, and I saw her face drop a little. "Maybe one day."

"I personally think that the sooner, the better." pressed Molly, looking up at me imploringly, her eyes the size of dinner plates.

"Do you have someone in mind or something?" I said with a slight laugh.

"Well..." she looked slightly awkward. "I think James would make a good Daddy."

The silence that drifted around for a nanosecond, was one of utmost confusion and almost awkwardness. Then James gave a slightly nervous snigger.

"I don't think so Molly." he said almost awkwardly. James had always struck me as the type who would make a good father, but at this stage, possibly at any stage, it just wasn't what he wanted. "I'll settle for being a favourite uncle though."

"No that place has already been taken by Charlie." said Molly, absently pulling at a few blades of grass, a silly little smile on her two year old face.

Charlie looked up startled. "What?" he said, looking as though he were secretly very pleased with himself. "Really Moll? I'm your favourite uncle?"

Molly gave him a huge grin and Charlie seemed to wilt slightly, but in a good way. The look on his face made me think of the way I felt when my heart melted.

"So wait a second!" cried James, looking outraged. "If Charlie's your favourite uncle, then what the hell am I?"

"WEIRD!" yelled Ceci, propping herself up on her elbows and scribbling into her crossword. James shot her a dirty look while Charlie looked like he was about to kill himself laughing.

"She's not wrong!" he snorted, before yelping as James practically shattered his shoulder with a punch. Charlie rounded on James, raising his fist.

"Break it up you two!" I snapped. "Not in front of Molly, please?"

"We're just showing her what not to say and how people will react." muttered Charlie folding his arms and pretending to sulk, before his face broke into a grin again. Charlie was such a bad actor when he wasn't in the zone.

"And James..." I said rounding on him. "I don't know why you're complaining. I mean... she's comparing you to Him. He's the only dad she's known. She's basically trying to say that she wants you to be like... you know like the person who helps her with her homework, teaches her to ride a bike..." I paused for a moment, thinking about that poem that He had written for Molly. "Just to be there for her."

She'd never read it. I wasn't sure she was ready, even though she knew everything else about what had happened that night. What she didn't remember, I told her. She knew what had happened to him, the truth about who she was, everything. I had decided long ago not to have any secrets between me and her. The poem however I knew would just upset her if I didn't wait until she was ready.

James looked down at the little girl in my lap, before sighing. "Yeah, well..." he said after a moment. "I'll give it some thought. I'm not sure I'm totally comfortable with having a two year old thinking I'm their dad."

I shook my head at him. "You're impossible." I said with a slight sigh.

James gave a grin. "Thank you."

We sat out on the blanket for almost the whole afternoon. Molly fell asleep in my lap, while the rest of us played card games and discussed the coming prospects of our lives... top of everyone's lists I noticed, was university... I looked down at Molly dozing in my lap and that acted as reminder enough as to why I wasn't going.

Eventually, at about four o'clock, I woke Molly up. "Sweetheart, we're going now." I told her, shaking her shoulders gently.

She stretched out so that her legs dangled over one of my knees and her arms over the other. "I don't want to." she moaned. "I want to stay here!"

"Yes, but Nanny will get worried if we don't go now." I said, trying to keep my patience. "So say goodbye and let's go."

Molly got up, very begrudgingly and wandered around to my friends, hugging them tightly around the neck and mumbling "bye, love you lots," which always made them make a comment on how sweet she was. Once I'd said goodbye as well, I took hold of Molly's hand and led her out of the park.

"I like your friends Mummy." she said vaguely as we began to wander down the road. "Do they like me?"

I smiled as I thought of him, and how hard he'd tried to make them like him too. "They adore you Moll."

"Good." she said and began skipping a little, swinging my hand as she did so. She loved growing up, getting more and more freedom everyday, as she grew a little taller, got a little more strength in her arms, basically as she turned into a little girl. With every millimetre she grew though, with every kilogram she gained in weight, the more it made me think about how quickly she was growing up. Everyday it struck me a little more that I was losing my little girl.

"Moll..." I said after a moment. "You wouldn't tell anyone about who you really are would you?"

I wasn't going to reprimand her, I was just curious.

She gave me an innocent smile. "And get 'Area Fifty One' and things like that involved? Mummy, don't be stupid."

I smiled at her. "I was just making sure." I told her.

"Mummy?" said Molly suddenly pausing on the end of my arm. She looked up at me, her huge emerald eyes had a strange curious glint in them. "Can I please ask you something?"

I frowned. With Molly, asking to ask a question usually meant she wanted to talk about those first few weeks. "Of course sweetheart. What's wrong?"

"Can you tell me..." She suddenly paused and hesitated. She frowned at her shoes for a moment, before shaking her head slightly and looking back up at me. "Was I an accident?"

I stared at her. Why on Earth would she want to know that? I was about to deny it, and tell her that we had had every intention for her to come when she did. But then I remembered my vow to myself to never ever lie to her. "Yes Moll." I said tightening my hand around hers. "But you're the best accident ever. We didn't know it was even possible. Some would call it a miracle, but if it was an accident I've never looked back on it with regret."

Molly smiled up at me, before it faltered again. "Would Daddy still be alive if I was never born?" she asked, a slightly nervous stutter in her voice.

I hesitated again before remembering my vow. "Yes." I said again. "I'm sure I already told you this, Moll. He died to save us. If he hadn't died, and my friends hadn't been so goddamn sly, they would have murdered you."

Molly's little hand tightened in mine. "Do you miss him, Mummy?"

I felt my hand go slightly slack. "Yes." I said again, trying to think of an explanation... but eventually I decided, a statement like that, did it really need to be backed up?

"Mummy?" said Molly, sounding, if it were possible, even more hesitant than before. I looked down at her, to see she was looking at her shoes again. "What was Daddy's name?"

I stared at her. "What?"

"I don't know what his name was." said Molly, looking slightly embarrassed. "I want to know who Daddy was."

As she said it, his poem echoed in my mind. His prediction that she could grow up, never knowing his name. It almost scared me. I tried to imagine if I'd grown up never knowing who my father was.

But then again, I still didn't feel ready to talk about it. I didn't want to think about him anymore. How long had it taken me to finally be able to be vaguely normal again? I didn't want to go back to the way I had last time people had tried to get me to talk about it.

Finally, I decided what to do. I looked down at Molly, and smiled. I picked her up and sat her on my hip.

"His name was... Xandrell..." I said hesitantly.

I felt a surge of pain as I said his name out loud. My heart thudded and my lungs ached for air. I felt like I'd been running miles, but it was only as I said his name aloud that I realised I'd completed one of the longest races of my life. Almost two years... I hadn't said his name for almost two years, keeping him locked at the back of my mind, trying to keep him from hurting me any more. But here I was... and somehow the knowledge that I'd made it this far made the pain bearable.

"Xandrell..." repeated Molly aloud, looking confused as her lips shaped the words, but I could tell she liked the name, as she said it again. "And what was he like?"

I took a deep breath. "He was... he had your colour hair. He had like really big dark eyes. He was so handsome... which is probably why you're so gorgeous now."

She giggled, putting her head on my shoulder, and my mind rushed back to prom when he'd done the same thing. It was suddenly so vivid in my mind, I paused and glanced around at her, just to make sure the weight on my shoulder wasn't actually him.

"Tell me more." she ordered me, twining a small clump of my limp brown hair around her finger.

"He was..." I paused, hesitating, not totally knowing what to say. My memory was going into overdrive, reliving every moment I'd spent with him all at once. His dark imploring eyes were staring at me, above his beautiful chiselled chest, the moon glinting above him as he crept closer to me, towards my lips... we were looking out over the sunset from the top of the oak tree, out across the farmland... we were running along the path in the park, away from Kaelen and her army... he was lying in my arms, his eyes closed, still as a statue, cold as death...

I took a deep breath and let it out as a sigh. I wondered vaguely if Molly knew exactly what she was doing to me with these questions... I didn't know whether it was a good thing or not. I was sure I would begin to cry at any moment, but at the same time, it was as though the darkness that had been drifting around me for two years was finally giving way to the pale pink clouds of the distant sunrise.

I looked down at the little girl in my arms. "He was a good person Moll." I said after a moment. Maybe that was all she needed to know.

Family are the ones we love in spite of their flaws. Friends are the ones we love because of their flaws. Somehow, and I'm not totally sure how, Xandrell managed to achieve both.

The End