#JustTheStrings

Kabanata 34

Nagsimula na iyong klase. It was... weird. And sad. Wala na kasi sila Kuya dahil graduate na sila. Para tuloy biglang sobrang tahimik ng buhay ko. Dati kasi umaga pa lang ay maingay na dahil guguluhin na ako ni Kuya... Tapos ngayon wala na. Sobrang tahimik.

Ang boring na tuloy.

"You okay?" Saint asked.

I nodded and smiled at him. Ayoko naman kasi na mag-alala siya. Kagabi, sinabi ko kasi kay Papa na magpapahatid na lang ako kay Manong sa school. Graduate na kasi si Kuya kaya hindi na pwede na sabay kaming pumasok... Tapos ayoko naman na kay Saint ako sumabay dahil baka malaman ni Kuya tapos mas lalo lang hindi magpakita sa akin iyon. Kaso ang sabi ni Papa, kay Saint na lang daw ako sumabay. Sinabi niya sa akin na hindi daw talaga tungkol sa akin iyong problema ni Kuya.

And it only made me sadder. Bakit hindi na lang niya sabihin sa akin? Kapatid pa rin naman niya ako. Baka makatulong ako...

"Smile," Saint said.

"Naka-smile naman ako."

Inilagay niya iyong dalawang daliri niya sa mukha ko tapos sinundot iyong pisngi ko.

"You're frowning," he said tapos pinisil naman niya iyong mukha ko. "Positive thinking attracts positive energy. Ikaw ang nagsabi sa akin niyan, 'di ba?" he asked and I nodded. "So smile, Mary. Magbabati din kayo ng Kuya mo. But for the mean time, smile for me muna. Alright?"

I looked at Saint and sighed. He's right. Magiging maayos din kami ni Kuya. I was praying for that. Pero habang hindi pa rin niya ako kinakausap at busy pa rin siya sa kung anuman ang ginagawa niya, I would try to continue living my life. I knew Kuya would want me to. Palagi niya akong pinapaalalahanan sa grades ko, e. He's always nagging me to study and he's always reminding me na dapat daw wala akong bagsak kagaya niya.

I missed his loud mouth.

"May training na kayo?"

Saint nodded.

"Agad?"

"Yeah..." he said. "Psalm graduated so Austin's the new captain. He'll be giving the new set of rules and drills."

Wala na rin pala si Psalm. Siya pa naman iyong pinaka-kasundo ko sa mga magkakapatid. Masyadong tahimik kasi si Cohen tapos si Austin naman... never mind. Walang mangyayari sa aming dalawa dahil pareho kaming hindi mahilig magsalita unless kinakausap kami ng kasama namin.

"Talaga? Hindi ba coach?" I asked. Para naman kasing ang dami na biglang kapangyarihan ni Austin kung siya na pala ang magbibigay ng drills at rules nila. Tuwi kasing nanonood ako ng practice nila, napapagod ako kahit nakaupo lang naman ako. Takbo kasi sila nang takbo tapos minsan nagsisikuhan pa sila. Ako 'yung nasasaktan sa mga nakikita ko, e.

Saint nodded.

"Basically, we're his—for the lack of a better term—bitches."

Nung makapagpark na kami, sabay kaming bumaba ni Saint.

"You still haven't sent me your sched," sabi niya sa akin. Ihahatid niya raw kasi ako sa classroom ko. Sobrang clingy kaya niya. Akala ko clingy na ako sa aming dalawa pero nare-realize ko na mas clingy si Saint. He's always the first one to message me, to hold my hand, to ask me to go out. Nakonsensya tuloy ako. Was I unaffectionate? Baka kasi isipin ni Saint na sobrang dense ko. Sabi rin kasi nila Kuya dense daw ako... Parang hindi naman masyado. Napapansin ko na kaya kapag double meaning iyong ibang sinasabi ni Saint!

I just recently found it ironic... Saint's not a saint, after all. He's too naughty to be one.

"Hindi mo rin kaya binigay 'yung sa 'yo," I replied.

"Binigay ko kaya sa 'yo 'yung sched ko last sem pero wala ka namang ginawa," he retorted.

"Ang layo kasi ng building niyo."

He snickered.

"Bakit ako pinupuntahan naman kita palagi?"

"Hala, nansusumbat ka ba?"

Umiling siya.

"Nagpaparinig lang," sabi niya. "Puntahan mo naman ako sa room."

Gusto kong matawa kasi ang cute ng mukha ni Saint. Mukha siyang bata na nagmamakaawa na makakuha ng lollipop. Kulang na lang magpout siya.

"Bakit ako pupunta?"

From our spot, nakikita ko na iyong building ko. Gusto ko tuloy bigla na bagalan iyong paglalakad namin dahil nag-eenjoy ako sa ganitong usapan namin ni Saint. I liked our random talks. I liked our nonsensical topics. I just loved spending time with him kahit na minsan sobrang trivial na lang ng mga ginagawa namin.

"Well, my friends want to see you."

"May friends ka bukod sa teammates mo?"

Sinamaan niya ako ng tingin.

"Hey, I'm friendly," he retorted. Hindi kaya masyado. Si Psalm kaya ang pinaka-friendly sa kanila. May mayabang vibes kasi talaga si Saint kaya hindi ko masisisi na naiilang sa kanya iyong ibang mga tao, e. Kahit nga sila Liza at Kath dati nagulat na magkakilala kami ni Saint. He's that distant and unapproachable for most of my schoolmates.

"Okay..."

Pero parang mas napasama lang ako sa sagot ko.

"I have friends outside basketball," he said again.

"Okay na nga," I said.

"Bakit ayaw mong maniwala?"

"Bakit ang kulit mo?"

Hanggang sa makarating kami sa harap ng classroom, ito ang pinag-uusapan namin. It may seem trivial and unimportant but I don't know... these small moments with Saint were really special to me. Mas naaappreciate ko kasi siya kapag ganito. That no matter how uneventful life was with me, he chose to stick around.

That we needed not be a tragedy to be immemorial.

"Fine," I huffed. "I'll visit you later. Okay na?" I said para tumigil na siya. He could be really annoying when he wanted something.

He nodded and beamed. Sumilip siya sa room tapos kunut-noo na tinignan ako.

"Do you want me to stay first? Kath and Liza's not here yet," he said at saka tumingin din ako sa loob at wala sila.

Saint just gave me a copy of his schedule. Hawak ko pa iyon sa kamay ko kaya tinignan ko.

"May klase ka na in 10 minutes," I pointed out.

"Well, yeah..."

"Pumasok ka na kaya," I told him but he still looked unsure. "Sanay naman akong mag-isa."

He frowned.

"Am I not clingy enough para masabi mo na sanay ka pa rin na mag-isa?"

My mouth went agape. This guy really had the knack for turning innocent remarks into banats. Isa pa 'tong talent ni Saint bukod sa pagiging magaling niyang basketball player.

"Ewan ko sa 'yo," I said. "Pero seriously, baka ma-late ka."

He looked at me that I had to assure him again that I would be fine. Sanay naman ako na late palagi sila Liza kapag first day of class dahil normally ay galing pa sila ng bakasyon sa ibang bansa. But they'd tell me naman kung hindi sila makakapasok. And after a few minutes of push and pull with Saint, I finally managed to convince him na pumasok na. Sobrang kulit.

Dahil wala pa naman iyong prof namin, pinanood ko si Saint mula sa balcony habang naglalakad siya papunta sa building nila. It was just ten minutes walk from my building pero kasi palagi kong kasama sila Kath kapag break at minsan nagdadaldalan lang kami kaya hindi kami nakakapunta sa building nila Saint. But during the times when Kath was still obsessed with Psalm, palagi naman kaming nandun.

Natawa ako nung biglang gumawa ng heart sign si Saint gamit iyong dalawang kamay niya.

"Male-late ka na," I mouthed.

But he just beamed, showed me the heart sign once again, before sprinting to his first class. Kulit.

--

The class ended pero hindi dumating si Kath at Liza. I tried sending them texts pero hindi rin naman sila sumasagot... Ano bang nangyayari? Alam ko naman na malaki iyong chance na hindi sila pumasok pero nagsasabi naman kasi sila usually... Kinakabahan tuloy ako.

Break time na namin. Tinignan ko iyong sched ni Saint pero may isang class pa siya. Ayoko naman itext siya na wala akong kasama kasi baka biglang maisipan nun na magcutting class. Sobrang impulsive pa naman 'nun.

On my way to the cafeteria, nakita ko iyong field. Bigla akong nakaramdam ng lungkot lalo na nung makita ko na may mga naglalaro ng soccer. Wala na roon sila Kuya Benj, Kuya Jackson, si Kuya... at saka si Parker. Grumaduate lang naman sila, alam ko, pero alam ko na malabo na na makita ko ulit sila. They're Kuya's friends and he's not yet talking to me. Ang hirap naman nito. Parang Kuya ko na rin kasi talaga sila.

"Kuya!"

Tumakbo ako nung makita ko si Kuya Benj. He was mindlessly walking. Mabuti na lang at nakita ko siya.

"Hey!" he said, smiling. "First day?"

I nodded.

"Ikaw, Kuya? Bakit ka nandito?"

"Transcript," he answered. "Break mo?"

I nodded.

"Nasaan iyong dalawang kakambal mo?"

I sighed.

"Wala nga sila, e..."

"Why are you sad? Galit ba kayo?"

Umiling ako.

"Hindi pero pakiramdam ko kasi may hindi sila sinasabi sa akin, e."

I didn't know if this was just me being paranoid but it certainly felt like I was missing out on something. At hindi naman 'to kagaya nung kay Kuya na aminado naman ako na hindi ko siya napansin masyado dati dahil palaging si Saint ang kasama ko. With Liza and Kath, we always had time for one another. Minsan nga over sharing na iyong nagagawa namin. Mas maraming unsolicited but well-meaning advices. Tapos ngayon wala... Complete silence from their ends.

Kuya Benj messed my hair.

"Over thinker ka talaga. C'mon, let's eat."

Dumiretso kami ni Kuya Benj sa cafeteria at saka bumili ng pagkain. He said na doon kami kumain sa ilalim ng puno malapit sa field. Siguro namimiss niya na. Simula elementary naman kasi naglalaro na sila ng soccer tapos ngayon dahil graduate na sila, mas focused na sila sa work kaya syempre namimiss niya lang ang paglalaro.

Tinanong ko lang si Kuya Benj kung kamusta na siya. He's resting first but he'd work for their business pero entry-level muna para raw mas maintindihan niya. All these years kasi iniiwasan niya iyong business nila, e.

"E Kuya..." I trailed off. He looked at me with his brows arched. "Si Kuya?"

He laughed.

"Still?"

I nodded.

"Syempre kapatid ko 'yun kaya curious ako."

Tinignan niya ako.

"If I tell you... do you promise not to tell your mom?"

Kumunot ang noo ko.

"So I'll lie?"

"No. But you'll omit this."

I bit my lower lip. Hindi ako masyadong sanay magsinungaling kasi ayaw ko na nadadagdagan iyong listahan ko ng ikukumpisal.

"Bawal ba talaga?"

He nodded. I sighed.

"Wag na... Ayokong magsinungaling kila Mama, e..." I said.

Kuya Benj smiled at me.

"You'll know in due time. Medyo magulo kasi talaga iyong Kuya mo kaya hindi niya rin talaga alam ang gagawin niya ngayon. But when everything's in order, malalaman mo rin."

"Pero okay naman si Kuya?"

He nodded.

"Okay. I'm good with that," I said. Basta alam ko na okay si Kuya, ayos na ako. I'd just wait until he could tell me himself what's happening with him. But until he's still being secretive with everything, I'd just pray for him. Iyon lang naman ang magagawa ko dahil ayokong makielam kung ayaw niyang ipaalam talaga. He must've reasons for doing so.

"Si Kuya Jackson, Kuya?"

"Ayun... bum life."

Natawa ako. Sobrang Kuya Jackson nga. Feeling ko nga hippie si Kuya Jackson, e. Ayos na kaya sila ni Ate Jas? Kasi nung mga huling beses na magkasama kami dati parang may hindi ayos, e... Pero sana ayos na sila. Sayang naman iyong 3 years nila kung sakali. At saka sobrang bagay kaya sila.

"Won't you ask about Parker?"

Napatingin ako sa kanya. I pursed my lips.

"Really? Not curious at all?"

I shook my head but his teasing smile told me that he didn't believe me. Baka hindi nga believable... Kasi curious naman talaga ako sa nangyayari kay Parker. It had been almost a month since we last talked. Ano na kaya ang nangyayari? Ayos lang kaya siya? Masyado naman kasi niyang tinotoo iyong hindi niya na ako guguluhin... Akala ko nga inunfriend niya na ako sa facebook, e. Pero hindi lang pala talaga siya active.

"Well, even if you're not curious, sasabihin ko pa rin sa 'yo na ayos si Parker."

Napatingin ako sa kanya.

"He's in Cali for about a month now. Before leaving, he apologized to Cindy for being an ass to her but he didn't take her back kahit na nakipagbalikan si Cindy. He told her that he's not in love with her anymore and that he's really sorry that he hurt her."

Hindi ako nakasagot.

"That guy... he's really trying to turn things around," Kuya Benj said. "Have you talked to him since he went to Cali?"

Umiling ako. Kuya Benj patted my head.

"Talk to him. He might need a friend."

--

Hanggang sa matapos iyong break ko at ihatid ako ni Kuya sa room, nasa isip ko pa rin iyong sinabi niya. Bakit ako? Marami namang kaibigan si Parker... pero alam ko rin naman na hindi siya kumportable na magsabi ng mga problema niya sa ibang tao. He told me that I was the only person he's truly comfortable with.

Haaaay.

Mabuti na lang interesting iyong next class ko kaya doon napunta iyong focus ko. Hindi synchronized masyado iyong subjects namin ni Saint kaya sa hapon pa kami magkikita. But as soon as my class ended, sa building niya agad ako pumunta. Baka kasi konsensyahin na naman ako noon kapag hindi ko siya binisita sa building niya, e.

The foreign affairs building was just 4 floors. Mababa sa usually 10 floors building sa SCA. Para kasi 'tong elite building dahil sobrang kaunti lang ng estudyante. Usually pa mga foreigners, half-bloods (parang si Snape), anak ng diplomats kagaya ni Saint at mga GDL, o kaya naman mga gustong sa DFA magtrabaho.

Umakyat ako sa 3rd floor kasi doon iyong klase ni Saint according to his schedule. In five minutes matatapos na iyong klase niya kaya balak ko na sa labas na lang maghintay. Nung tapos na iyong klase nila, nagsimula ng maglabasan iyong ibang mga tao pero wala akong Saint na makita. I tried to wait for a little more while pero wala talaga kaya nagpagdesisyunan ko na pumunta na lang doon.

The door was open and there was Saint... but he was talking to someone.

And he was laughing with her.

And I didn't like what I was seeing.

Nakatayo lang ako doon, waiting for him to take notice that I was here pero ilang segundo pa ang lumipas at patuloy lang siya sa pakikipag-usap doon sa babae. I pursed my lips and took deep breaths. Why was I thinking this way? Kaibigan lang naman ni Saint iyon. I should stop whatever I was feeling because it wasn't good.

After a few minutes, Saint finally noticed me.

"Hey," he said. "Kanina ka pa?"

I shook my head. Dagdag na naman sa listahan ko.

"I'll just get my things," sabi niya pero pagbalik niya, kasama niya na iyong babae. I tried to look unfazed but it was hard when someone as good looking as this girl was standing in front of me. Biglang nanliit ako dahil mas matangkad siya sa akin. "Mary, Dani. Dani, this is Mary. She's real, I told you!"

Dani, the girl, smiled at me. She was tall and her skin was tanned and her teeth was really nice. Pareho siguro sila ni Saint ng dentist.

"Hi!" she greeted. "I'm Dani, the best friend. You're the future girlfriend, right?"

Hala, Imo. Bakit ganito iyong nararamdaman mo? Nagpapakilala lang naman iyong tao.

"Hello," I greeted back. Iyon lang iyong nasabi ko dahil busy ako na patigilin iyong masamang naiisip ko. I should really stop thinking like this.

I didn't know if Saint noticed that I was a tad uncomfortable but he got my books from my hands.

"Anyway, we'll go first. Good luck sa first day, captain," he said and then winked at Dani.

"Don't be such a bitter arse, Saint. You'll be the captain next year. Let Austin enjoy his reign," she said and then looked at me. "Hope to see more of you soon," she continued and then smiled.

Sasakay sana kami sa elevator pero sabi ni Saint maglakad na lang daw kami para ma-exercise ako. Habang pababa kami, tahimik lang ako. I was chastising myself.

"Are you alright?"

I nodded and smiled faintly.

"Napagod lang ako siguro."

So instead of hanging out, hinatid na lang ako ni Saint sa bahay. Bumili muna kami ng pagkain sa at nagtakeout dahil pagbalik niya sa school, diretso training na agad siya. Sinabi ko naman sa kanya na magpapasundo na lang ako sa driver pero ayaw niya, e.

"Baka ma-late ka," I worriedly told him. Nakita ko kasi na 10 suicide 'yung pinapagawa kapag na-late sa practice nila. Isang suicide pa nga lang napapagod na ako, e.

"It's alright," he assured me. "You? Are you alright? You seem bothered about something."

Umiling ako at saka pinaglaruan iyong froyo ko. Iyon lang kasi ang kinakain ko kumpara kay Saint na isang malaking burger at milkshake tapos may fries din siya. Pero ayos lang naman na malakas siyang kumain kasi sobrang din naman siyang magtraining.

"Kailan pa kayo best friend ni Dani?"

There. I asked it.

"Hmm... we transferred here in the Philippines when I was 5 years old so roughly, we've been friends for 15 years? She's from the same village and she's the captain of volleyball team so we always see each other. Why?"

Tapos sasabihin niya na ako iyong dense sa aming dalawa. Siya nga diyan hindi nakakapansin, e.

"Wala," I said. "Bilisan mong ubusin 'yang milkshake mo, gagawa pa akong assignment."

"Tinataboy mo ba ako?"

"Hindi. Madami pa akong gagawin," I said and then grabbed my bag at saka nilabas iyong laptop ko. Nagkunwari ako na busy sa pagreresearch at saka hinihintay ko na umalis na si Saint. 6:20 na kasi. 6:30 ang start ng training nila tapos magdadrive pa siya pabalik sa school. Dapat umalis na siya ngayon.

"Hey," he said and when I didn't look at him, he cupped my face and made me look at him. "Do you have a problem that I'm not aware about?"

I shook my head.

"You sure? Because if there's any problem, I'd like to talk about it. Do you know that half of relationships are destroyed because of miscommunication? I don't want to add to the statistics."

And as I stared at his eyes, bigla akong nalinawan. Why was I even bothering? It's Saint. And he had always assured me about his feelings for me... kaya bakit ba ako nagdududa?

"We're good," I said.

"Sure?"

I nodded and smiled.

"Sige na, alis ka na. Baka magalit pa si Austin. First day niya pa naman as captain," I said and then smiled again para maniwala na siya na okay na ako.

After a few minutes, I finally convinced him that I was fine. Nung pumunta na ako sa kwarto ko, sinubukan ko na magresearch para sa subject ko pero iyong kamay ko, pilit na sa facebook pumupunta... I bit my lip as I stared at the search bar.

"Bahala na nga," I said to myself as I began going to Saint's facebook and then typed Dani in his friends' list.

At biglang lumabas nga.

Daniella Valdez

I stared at the name for a few minutes before I closed my eyes and then clicked her profile. I bit my lips as I scrolled down her timeline. I felt like a complete loser for feeling this way. Best friend siya ni Saint. Bakit ba ganito iyong naiisip ko? Tapos ang dami nilang pictures together, madalas kasama iyong pamilya ng bawat isa. Marami rin silang video na naglalaro ng bowling tapos may isa habang sumasayaw si Saint sa parking lot at si Dani naman ay tawa nang tawa.

And I was reminded again why prying into someone else's life was wrong. Kasi hindi mo naman kailangang malaman pero pilit mong inaalam. Nasaktan ka tuloy.

Biglang pumunta ako sa profile ko. Wala kaming picture ni Saint. I never really posted anything in facebook because it's too public. I mostly post things on Instagram and not always blatantly. Madalas longshot o sideview o nakatalikod si Saint... I didn't really feel the need to because I had always been secured. And now, I really didn't want to post anything just because I was feeling threatened. It didn't feel right.

But what was rationality in the feeble mind of jealous people? Kaya mabilis akong namili ng picture namin ni Saint at saka pinost iyon sa facebook. Hindi ako nakunteto at tinag ko pa talaga siya.

Haaay, Imo. Ano bang nangyayari sa 'yo?

But as I was about to close the tab, a notification caught my attention.

Parker Adrian Palma liked your post.