#JustTheStrings

Kabanata 40

"Are you asking me to choose?"

Hindi ako makapaniwala sa ginagawa niya. Alam niya naman... that amongst all things I didn't like, I hated choosing the most. I hated choosing because I hated discarding anything. Paano pa kapag tao? I didn't want to hurt anyone. Most especially him. That's why I didn't do anything all these time. Because I was buying time. Kasi gusto ko kapag may ginawa na ako, sigurado na ako.

I didn't want to hurt anyone because I haphazardly chose... dahil lang kailangan kong mamili.

"No. I'm asking you to save me, Mary. I feel like I'm drowning and the only way to save me is if you'll choose to spare me or choose to go on." He looked at me and sadly smiled. "But whatever your decision is, I'll try to understand. Palagi ko namang sinusubukan, 'di ba?"

I looked back at him.

"I don't want to choose."

I didn't want to choose that moment. Everything was a mess. Our emotions were both heightened. I was afraid that we'd both end up regretting the choices we made and the choices we didn't make.

"But you have to, Mary. You have to choose. You can't string me along every time."

"I—I'm not stringing you alone, Saint," sabi ko. Naupo ako at saka hinarap siya. "I love you, 'di ba? Hindi ako nagsisinungaling. Mahal naman talaga kita... kasi sasakit ba ng ganito 'to kung hindi naman? Matatakot ba ako ng ganito kung hindi naman?"

He cupped my face and caressed my cheeks with his thumbs.

"Okay, I believe you. Wag ka ng umiyak."

Pero tuluy-tuloy pa rin 'yung pagtulo ng luha ko.

"Bakit mo kasi ako pinapapili? Hindi ko pa nga kaya. Hindi ako kinakausap ni Kuya, lumayas si Mama, kawawa si Papa, kailangan ako nila Finley, hindi ko makausap si Kath, hindi ako makapaniwala kay Liza, Kuya Jackson was torturing my brain. Ang daming nangyayari, Saint. All of these are inside my head. I can't think. I can't do anything. Ang bigat-bigat ng pakiramdam. Parang lahat dala-dala ko."

Pinupunasan niya lang iyong bawat luha na pumapatak.

"There. Is that so hard to do, ha? I just want you to tell me things. I just want to feel included in your life. Hindi naman mahirap, 'di ba?"

"But I don't want to burden you."

"You're not a burden. It's me who want to be included in your life. And with that, I want to know every details you can give me. Everything you're willing to share. 'Di ba ganon naman talaga?"

I didn't know. I grew up keeping everything to myself.

"Talaga?"

He nodded.

"I'm here now, Mary. You don't have to suffer alone in silence. I can suffer with you, if you want."

Napa-ngiti na ako.

"Baliw."

He smiled.

"Well, you made me crazy with your silence. Don't do that again, alright? Don't shut me out again. I hated the feeling, Mary. It exhausted me."

I nodded. And then the clock beeped. 12 midnight na.

"Hala. Tapos na 'yung birthday mo... Wala akong gift sa 'yo."

"It's okay. We talked. That's my gift."

Umiling ako.

"Hindi pwede. Two weeks na nga tayong hindi nag-uusap, e..."

A smile dawned on his face.

"You kept tabs?"

I nodded.

"Ang boring kaya ng araw kapag hindi kita kasama..." I admonished. I already told him things I didn't even think I was willing to tell him. And this... I had been meaning to let him know how much he occupied me and my thoughts.

"Same, Mary. I miss you every time you're not with me."

I looked at him. Ang pagod niyang tignan... Kakagaling niya lang sa sakit tapos pinupuyat ko pa siya.

"I'll give you a gift, I promise."

He nodded and smiled.

"Okay."

"But I intended to cook for you... Gutom ka ba? We can go down and I'll cook for you," I said. I really felt guilty for not knowing his birthday. Sobra-sobra iyong ginawa niya nung birthday ko. He planted seedlings under my name, tapos nagpakulay pa siya ng buhok. Tapos ako... pinaiyak ko siya.

But before he could even answer, he yawned.

"I'm sleepy," he said.

"Ah, ganun ba? Dadalhin ko na lang bukas sa inyo... Hindi naman siguro alam ng parents mo na pinaiyak kita, 'di ba? Baka hindi na ako welcome sa inyo."

Natawa siya.

"No, Mary. And no one knows that I cried. Ikaw lang. But please don't tell anyone."

I nodded. It's our secret.

"Well, I better get going. My head's pounding, too," sabi niya at saka tumayo na rin siya pero hinawakan ko iyong kamay niya. "What?"

I looked at him and bit my lower lip. Paano ko ba sasabihin 'to?

"Ano..." I trailed off. "I have a couch."

Kumunot ang noo niya. Bumuntong-hininga naman ako.

"Wag na nga," I murmured. "Sige, alis ka na."

I was chewing on my lower lip when I saw a smile growing on his face. It was the first time he smiled this evening. Na-miss ko 'yung ngiti niya... Na kahit mukha siyang mayabang, I knew better. Saint's a really genuine person. And I loved him for that.

"Do you want me to stay?"

"I mean, only if you want to... Hindi naman kita pinipilit."

Mas lalong lumaki iyong ngiti niya. Mas nakita ko na naman iyong mapuputi at pantay niya na ngipin. Palagi ko talagang napapansin iyong ngipin niya.

"Pilitin mo ako. Magpapapilit naman ako," he said. Niliitan ko siya ng mata. Natawa siya sa akin. "Fine, I'll just call Martin and tell him I'm staying here for the night. Papanagutan mo naman ako, 'di ba?"

"Ewan ko sa 'yo."

Tapos humalakhak lang siya at nagsimulang tumawag sa security detail niya. Habang kausap niya sila, tumayo muna ako at saka pumunta sa kwarto ni Kuya. Meron pa rin naman kasi siyang mga naiwan na gamit dito. Saint was wearing jeans and white shirt. Ayoko naman na matulog siya na ganoon ang suot dahil hindi 'yung kumportable. And besides, magka-size naman sila ni Kuya dahil pareho lang halos sila ng height.

I settled on our university shirt and kuya's pajama bottoms dahil hindi pa ako handa na makita na naka-boxer shorts si Saint.

"You can use my CR," sabi ko sabay turo doon sa CR ko. Malinis naman akong tao at hindi makalat so I was confident that my CR's clean.

"After months of dating, ngayon pa lang ako naka-pasok sa kwarto mo. And now you want me to use your CR? Are we ready to take this next step?"

Inirapan ko siya at tinawanan na naman niya ako.

"Are you having fun teasing me?"

He nodded.

"Two weeks, Mary. If that wasn't long enough, then I don't know what is."

Pumasok na siya sa CR at ako naman, inayos ko na iyong tutulugan niya. Naglagay ako ng maraming pillows sa couch at saka kumuha ako ng bagong comforter at saka inilagay sa ibabaw ng couch. Hindi kasi ako nakaka-tulog kapag mainit kaya sobrang lamig palagi sa kwarto ko. Sabi nga ni Kuya parang North Pole ang kwarto ko sa sobrang lamig... And also, Saint's a little taller than me... hindi talaga siya kasya sa couch.

A little later, lumabas na si Saint mula sa CR. He was drying his hair with a towel when he saw me circling the room.

"Mary," he called my name and I looked at him. "Bakit ka paikot-ikot?"

"Hindi ka kasya sa couch ko. Bakit kasi ang tangkad mo?"

He laughed.

"It's alright. It's only for a few hours," he said and the sat down.

"Sa bed ka na lang, kaya? Tapos dyan ako sa couch. Maliit naman ako," I offered.

"No, seriously. It's alright."

"Sige na, please? Wala na nga akong regalo sa birthday mo tapos papatulugin pa kita sa couch na bitin sa 'yo..."

"But I can't let you sleep there. That's your bed. This is your room."

"E mas maliit naman ako sa 'yo. Tsaka feminism, Saint. Don't be a misogynist."

He laughed again. God, could he keep on laughing like that? I really missed it. I missed it so much.

"What about... we both sleep on the bed?" I said, biting on my lip. "But wala tayong gagawin!"

Napa-awang iyong labi ni Saint.

"...seriously?"

Isang minuto bago niya nasabi iyon. Isang minuto na kumakabog ang dibdib ko.

"Wag na nga. Sa couch ka na nga matulog," sabi ko at saka nagmartsa papunta sa kama at saka pumasok sa ilalim ng duvet. Tinakpan ko talaga iyong mukha ko dahil hiyang-hiya ako sa mga sinabi ko kay Saint. Paano kung iniisip niya na pinagsasamantalahan ko siya? I was just only looking after his welfare! Baka kasi mahirapan siyang matulog sa couch!

But then I heard the door opening. My heart sank. Iiwan niya ako?

"Don't be mad."

Naramdaman ko si Saint sa tabi ko. His arm was resting over my waist.

"Of course, I want to sleep beside you, too."

"Akala ko umalis ka na."

"No. I only opened the door so that they'd know that we're not doing anything."

It was good that I was under the protection of my duvet. Somehow, I felt bold to say anything to him.

"Wala tayong gagawin?"

"Mary..."

"Hmm?"

"Don't."

"Don't?"

"Don't tempt me. I told you, nauubos na 'yung pasensya ko. Don't test that tonight."

Binaba ko iyong duvet tapos tinignan siya. I smiled cheekily.

"Galit ka na niyan?"

Umiling siya tapos niyakap ako.

"Teka, dito ka rin sa ilalim. Malamig," I said, worried. Baka bukas, yelo na si Saint.

"No," he said. "Stay under. Just to be safe."

"Okay."

Umayos si Saint sa pagkakahiga. He was spooning me—he was the big spoon and I was the little one. I could feel him smelling me, too. Hindi naman siguro ako mabaho.

"Saint..."

"Hmm?"

"Ano na tayo?"

"Ano'ng ano?"

"Boyfriend na ba kita?" I asked. Kasi sabi niya kanina, hindi pwede na friends lang kami...

"Do you want me to be your boyfriend?" he even asked that.

"Oo naman. I love you and you love me, 'di ba?"

Mas humigpit iyong yakap niya sa akin.

"Yes, Mary. I love you."

Hala, kalma lang, heart. Pangalawang beses niya pa lang sinasabi na mahal niya ako pero grabe na. Kakayanin ko bang maging girlfriend ni Saint? Baka siya pa ang dahilan ng heart-failure ko.

"I love you now and I'll love you more tomorrow... but let's sleep for now. I'm tired."

I smiled and let him sleep. I let my boyfriend sleep. Kinikilig ako.