#JustTheStrings

Kabanata 39

Sabi nila, the best way to gain forgiveness is to truly repent for what you have done and promise to never do it again... And I was done with that part. Kahit kaya may pasok ako at medyo inaantok pa ako dahil tinuruan ko sina Finley sa lessons nila dahil ayaw nilang pakinggan iyong tutor nila, pinilit ko pa rin na maabutan iyong 5 a.m. mass. Pagkatapos nun, I asked for penance. Nangumpisal din ako. Basta, I poured it out na. Medyo nahihiya nga ako kay Father kasi baka akala niya iniisip ko na love doctor siya kasi puro si Saint ang binabanggit ko.

Pagkatapos nun pumasok muna ako sa school para sa first class ko. Dumiretso naman ako sa supermarket pagkatapos. Since tapos na ako na humingi ng forgiveness kay Lord dahil sa pagiging one-sided ko, si Saint naman ang aasikasuhin ko. Finally, na-appreciate ko na rin iyong paglalagay niya ng schedule niya sa phone ko dahil alam ko kung ano'ng oras ko siya pupuntahan. And I didn't want to come empty-handed so I would cook for him.

And maybe for his brothers, too, because I knew I messed up big time. I pushed him away when all he had done was to understand me. I pushed him because I was afraid of my own feelings. I didn't like seeing him with Dani... kasi naaalala ko si Cindy.

Paano kung...

No.

Ayokong isipin.

Nagfocus na lang ako sa ginagawa ko. Bago ako pumunta sa supermarket, nagtext muna ako kay Cohen para itanong kung ano ang paboritong pagkain ni Saint. It was a little weird that after all the months we spent together, ni paborito niyang pagkain ay hindi ko alam. I felt really guilty so I promised that once we're good again, I'd do everything to know every detail there's to know. Kahit gaano pa kaliit, basta tungkol kay Saint, aalamin ko. It's only fair that I do that dahil si Saint, lahat yata alam niya sa akin.

According to Cohen, Saint liked anything pasta. He's a pasta freak, sabi ni Cohen. So I decided to cook Pasta Alfredo for him. Mukha naman siyang madaling iluto. Magbe-bake din ako ng brownies. Sayang nga at wala si Mama, e. She loved baking.

I was pushing the cart when I saw Kuya Jackson... and Liza.

Bigla akong napahinto sa pagtulak at napa-tirik na lang sa kinatatayuan ko. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin. Nung huling usap namin ni Liza, it wasn't really pleasant. I just learned that Kuya Jackson and Ate Jas broke up tapos she's already hanging out way too much with Kuya Jackson... Ayaw ko namang makielam but at the same time, naaawa ako kay Ate Jas. They're all my friends and I didn't know where to put myself in.

Kaya tumalikod ako. Kasi ayoko na may masabi na naman ako. Because words, once said, can never be taken back. Nandyan na 'yan. Pinakawalan mo na. And no matter how you apologize for what you have said, the fact remains that you meant every word... That those harsh words are your pure, unadulterated thoughts... And that spoke a lot.

"Imo."

Napa-hinto ako nung maramdaman ko iyong kamay ni Kuya Jackson sa balikat ko.

"Hey," he said.

"Po?"

"Bakit ka tumalikod?" he asked. Hindi yata nasabi sa kanya ni Liza iyong usapan namin.

"Ah... nagmamadali lang po kasi ako."

"Really?"

I looked him in the eye and I saw that he saw through me. I grew up around him. Alam ko na kilala ako ni Kuya Jackson kahit hindi kami madalas mag-usap... and it bugged me that he did that. I looked up to him so much. Kaya kung niloko niya si Ate Jas, I didn't think I could ever look him the same way again. Kasi cheating is cheating. There are no gray areas. Once you commit yourself to someone, remain faithful or at least, give the audacity to break off the commitment. Hindi iyong bigla ka na lang magloloko. That's foul.

"I don't want to judge—"

"But you have already judged us," he countered.

I sighed.

"Kuya naman... Friends ko pareho si Ate Jas at si Liza. Ano'ng gusto mong gawin ko?"

He looked at me but I couldn't read him. He had always been a mystery to me. Mahilig lang talaga siyang kumain, iyon ang alam ko.

"Nothing," he said. "Because we're doing nothing wrong."

Halos malaglag iyong panga ko sa sinabi niya.

"Jas and I broke up because of indifferences. Liza and I are friends. We have a lot of things in common."

"Friends?" tanong ko. "Friends lang?"

He nodded.

"We're friends," he repeated. "Bawal bang maging magkaibigan ang lalaki at babae ng walang malisya? Why do you keep on putting colors everywhere, Imo?"

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito ang pinag-uusapan namin at biglang napunta sa akin.

"Hindi ako ang naglalagay ng kulay, Kuya Jackson."

"Then why don't you believe that we're just friends? Can't we hang out and not put malice on it?" he asked.

"You can but—"

He cut me off before I could even defend myself. This was the first serious talk we had and I couldn't believe that we'd be talking about this. Never kong inisip na mangyayari 'to sa mga kaibigan ko. I never thought I'd witness cheating first hand. I never thought my family would be apart this bad. I never thought things would happen yet they did... and they just kept on happening, surprising me every step of the way.

"Do you want to hear my thoughts?" he asked me. I pursed my lips. I didn't know if I wanted to hear his thoughts because by the way he was looking at me, ramdam ko na masasaktan ako sa sasabihin niya... Because as I have said, words do hurt. A lot. Especially when they come from the people we hold dear.

And I felt like my heart was about to get rip out.

"I think that you think two people can never be just friends. Kasi ganoon kayo ni Parker. That no matter how much you two pretend that you're just friends again, alam mo naman sa sarili mo na hindi totoo. You pretend but deep inside, you know that you're just lying to yourself. Kaya tingin mo sa lahat ng tao sa paligid mo, pareho niyo. That we, like the two of you, are just pretending to be friends. Pero hindi kasi ganon, Imo. Liza and I, we're just friends. For now. Malay ko kung ano ang mangyayari? Pero sa ngayon, magkaibigan lang kami."

Hindi ako nagsalita. I couldn't even look him in the eye.

"That's also why you're jealous of Dani. Kasi kahit magbest friends lang talaga sila ni Saint, you keep on putting colors kasi guilty ka."

Katahimikan.

"Because deep inside you, you know it's still Parker. And you're guilty. And you're displacing your frustration on Saint. On me. On Liza. On the people around you."

Katahimikan.

"Don't do that. Don't be selfish. Don't hurt the people around you just to save yourself. You're better than that."

Saka niya ako iniwan.

And I was right. My heart got ripped out from my chest. At inapakan pa niya.

--

Naka-higa ako sa kama. Naka-fetal position. Ilang oras na rin akong ganito lang. Absent na naman ako. Hindi na ako magugulat kung bigla na lang akong ma-drop.

My phone kept on ringing. And ringing. And ringing. But I didn't want to talk to anyone. Palagi na lang nilang sinasabi kung ano ang nararamdaman ko. Kung ano ang sa tingin nila iniisip ko. I was tired of people deciding for me. Wala ba akong sariling pakiramdam? Wasn't I allowed to become irrational and illogical once in a while? Why should I live up to what people expect of me?

Huminto. Pero may kumatok. Tapos may bumukas.

"Mary."

Agad na napadilat iyong mata ko sa narinig kong boses.

"I know you're awake. I can see that you just opened your eyes."

Bigla kong nahigit iyong hininga ko.

"Can we talk?"

Tapos lumakas iyong tibok ng puso ko.

"You know that I don't really want to go to your room but you leave me with no choice, Mary. We really need to talk."

Tapos naka-rinig ako ng hakbang.

"Cohen said that you were supposed to see me. I waited for you. Actually, the guard and I waited for you. Nasarhan na ako ng gym kaka-hintay sa 'yo pero hindi ka dumating."

Tapos isa pang hakbang.

"I waited for days. I waited for weeks. Hindi pa rin ba tayo pwedeng mag-usap?" he asked. "If you don't want to talk, can I talk? Because I have all these things I want to say, Mary. And I need to say them because I don't hold feelings in. That's not healthy. I don't want to keep them and wait until I explode. Because that'll be messy. And I don't want to mess anything up."

Isa pa.

"So can we talk? Before we have no choice but to explode because Mary, pakiramdam ko mauubos na 'yung pasensya ko."

Tapos naramdaman ko na naupo siya sa gilid ng kama ko.

"How are you?"

Hindi ako makapagsalita. He's here. He's really here.

"I'm sure you're not fine and I want you to be fine. I always pray for your happiness, Mary. Two weeks na pala akong nagdadasal na maging masaya ka. Palagay ko naman pinakinggan na ako ni Lord. Masaya ka ba? Kasi ako, hindi ako masaya."

I bit my lip as I listened to him. I tried not to move. I was scared that he might leave.

"Kamustahin mo naman ako."

Gusto kong magsalita pero hindi ko magawa.

"Can I ask for a gift? It's my birthday."

Nanlaki iyong mata ko.

"Talk. Just please... talk to me. I f ucking hate this silence. I f ucking hate the fact that you can't tell me anything. I f ucking hate that you can trust Parker more than you can trust me. I f ucking hate all of it."

His voice broke.

"How long will you shut me out? Sabihin mo naman sa akin para alam ko. I want to understand you but I don't know where to start. I want to understand that you can't talk about your problems. Gusto kong intindihin, e... Pero hindi ko magawa kasi bakit kay Parker, nagagawa mong sabihin? Ano'ng meron sa kanya na wala sa akin kaya hindi mo masabi?"

I hugged my knees tighter.

"Mas una ka niyang nakilala, alam ko. And I can't do anything about that. But I can love you better... pero pano ko gagawin 'yun kung hindi mo ako papayagan? Kung tuwing susubukan ko na intindihin ka, ang una mong ginagawa ay tumakbo? Hanggang kailan ba 'to, Imogen? Hanggang kailan mo ba ako papahirapan kasi nahihirapan na ako. Nahihirapan na akong humabol sa 'yo kasi wala kang ginawa kung hindi takbuhan ako.

"Huminto ka naman saglit para makahabol ako. Bibilisan ko 'yung pagtakbo para maabutan kita... Pero please naman, bagalan mo. 'Wag mo naman akong takbuhan palagi."

Gusto kong sumagot. I wanted to tell him that I wasn't running... I was just hiding. Because my feelings scare me. They scare me too much. I barely made it alive when Parker hurt me. Paano ko kakayanin kung si Saint ang gagawa nun? Can I handle another heart break? Can my heart handle it again?

Ilang minutong walang nagsasalita. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to tell him that I was sorry.

"So please tell me... Hahabulin pa ba kita o hihinto na ako? Sabihin mo na sa akin ngayon. Tell me so that I can re-start my life because I feel like my life stopped when you walked away without even saying a word, Mary... Tell me so that I can begin another year in my life without wondering kung ano ba ako sa 'yo."

"I love you."

Tapos ilang minuto ng katahimikan.

"You love me?"

I nodded. Would it hurt this bad if I didn't?

"Can you do something for me?"

I nodded. Tears were flowing. My heart was hurting.

"Can you erase him from your life? Because I can't ignore it anymore. I can't ignore him anymore."

My breathing was heavy. I couldn't say a word.

"Tell me now so we can stop this or move on from this. Because I can't live with the uncertainty anymore. Because whenever I'm looking at you, I can't help but wonder if you're still in love with Parker. Because even here in your room, I can still see him. He's f ucking everywhere and he's messing with my head."

And then he asked it again.

"Can't we be friends?"

Hanggang hindi ko pa alam. Kasi ang gulo. Ayokong magdesisyon kapag magulo... because I might end up regretting everything. 

He looked at me.

"We can't be friends. We can't be platonic. You're either the girl who makes me or the girl who breaks me. Isa lang 'dun, Mary. So tell me... who do you want to be?"