#JustTheStrings

Kabanata 46

To say that it was awkward would be the understatement of the year. I didn't know how Mama pulled it off, but she managed to make Parker stay in our house. And it had been five days since he started living with us, but nothing changed... Hindi siya lumalabas sa kwarto. If Mama wouldn't force him to eat, I believed that he would starve himself.

It felt like he didn't even have the will to live anymore... Kagaya ngayon. Kumakain kami pero wala siyang gana.

"What's your plan now, Parker?" Mama asked.

Parker was mindlessly poking his food.

"I don't know," he replied.

"Do you want to go back to study?" Hindi siya sumagot. Mama sighed. "You have all the time in the world. Just tell me when you already know what you want to do, Parker."

Natapos iyong breakfast namin na walang nagsasalita. Ilang beses na saglit akong tumingin kay Parker. He was here, but his mind was somewhere else. I wanted to console him, but even before I could get close, itinataboy niya na ako. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko siya lalapitan ng hindi niya ako nilalayuan. I just wanted to help, but him pushing me away was making it impossible.

Nung hapon, may usapan kami ni Saint na aalis kami. I still hadn't told him about Parker staying with us. I didn't know how I'd break it to him without him thinking the worst. I knew that Saint's an understanding guy, but even understanding people have their limits. And I didn't want to push his. Kaya naman imbes na sunduin ako ni Saint sa bahay kagaya ng palagi niyang ginagawa, I asked him to just meet me at the mall.

"You sure?" he asked. "If you're running late, I can pick you up a bit later."

I bit my lower lip. I really didn't like keeping things from him. He's so nice.

"Ah... hindi, e. Pero magpapahatid na lang ako kay Manong."

"Alright. But same time?"

"Yes," I replied.

"Mary..." he said. "Is everything alright? You sound weird."

And he's so receptive. Alam ko na hindi ko maitatago iyong tungkol kay Parker ng matagal. Saint would know, and I didn't want us to fight about this. There was nothing to fight about.

"I'm alright," I said, trying to make my voice livelier.

"You sure?"

"Yup. Everything's alright. I'll see you later. Choose a movie para pagdating ko, manonood na agad tayo."

May bago kasing cinema na may unlimited popcorn at saka drinks ako na nakita sa newsfeed ko. I just clicked like tapos a few minutes later, nagmessage na si Saint na inaaya ako na manood. Minsan, pakiramdam ko na iniistalk niya lahat ng ginagawa ko sa Facebook at Instagram. Kapag kasi may ila-like ako na kahit ano, a few days after, bibigyan niya ako ng regalo. Minsan nga, susubukan ko na maglike ng picture bagong bahay. Baka bigyan ako ni Saint.

"So, paghihintayin mo ako?" he asked.

"Bakit, may reklamo ka?"

He laughed.

"My Mary's starting to become a brat," he said, laughing. "Alright, I'll choose the movie. But don't make me wait for too long. Baka magalit ka na naman sa akin kapag may babae na nagpapicture sa akin," sabi niya at saka humalakhak ulit.

"Hindi ako nagalit nun!"

"Sure, tell that to yourself."

Hindi naman kasi talaga! May nagpapicture kasi sa kanya nung isang beses na nasa mall kami. Tapos medyo rude kasi iyong babae sa akin tapos hawak ng hawak sa katawan ni Saint... Hindi naman ako nagalit. Medyo nainis lang. Kaunti lang naman.

"Ewan ko sa 'yo. Sige na, bye na."

"Bye, Mary. Kiss later."

Napailing na lang ako at saka binabaan siya. Dati, tuwing madaling-araw lang naman sobrang landi si Saint... ngayon kahit may araw pa, hindi na talaga siya mapigilan. Mas lalo lang siyang lumalala habang tumatagal. Kahit sa public, hahalikan niya ako sa pisngi o kaya sa noo o kaya sa gilid ng ulo ko, tapos hindi niya bibitawan iyong kamay ko. Kahit tinutukso siya sa gym, wala lang siyang pakielam.

Nung bumaling na ako para umakyat sa kwarto ko, halos mabitiwan ko iyong cellphone ko nung makita ko si Parker sa likod ko. Napaawang iyong labi ko. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko sa kanya. Was he listening this entire time?

We were just staring at one another. My knees were buckling, but I didn't want to break the stare. It was the first time he looked at me since he came back here.

Palagi niya akong iniiwasan o kaya naman ay tinatrato na parang hangin... Ngayon lang ulit siya tumingin.

But it only lasted for a few seconds. Bumitiw din siya sa tingin at saka tinalikuran ako. My heart constricted inside my chest. A part of me was blaming myself... Siguro kung mayroon siyang kausap nung mga panahon na kailangan niya, hindi siya magiging ganito... But blaming would do no one any good. It was done. Ang magagawa ko na lang para sa kanya ay ang bumawi.

Pero paano?

"Just give him time."

Napa-ngiti ako kahit papaano nung makita ko si Kuya.

"Si Baby John?"

"Upstairs with Mama," he said. "Okay ka lang?"

I smiled, and nodded.

"Kayo ni Mars, okay na?"

He scoffed.

"Wag nga natin 'yung pag-usapan. Kinikilabutan ako," he said, faking a shudder. "Anyway, about Parker, pabayaan mo. Mas lalo ka lang nung iiwasan kapag pinilit mo. Kilala mo naman 'yun." I timidly smiled. Inakbayan ako ni Kuya at saka ginulo iyong buhok ko. "Give him time to fix his head. He just lost his mom. He's being an ass, but at least now it's justifiable."

Niyakap ko si Kuya.

"Nakakabuti yata si Mars sa 'yo, Kuya. Ang dami mong words of wisdom lately."

Tumawa siya.

"Sira."

I still was thinking on how I'd approach Parker when I was called for lunch. Paglabas ko ng kwarto, nagulat ako dahil sabay pa kami na pababa. I remembered Kuya's words... Just give him time. So I backed down a bit and let him walk ahead of me. Nakasunod lang ako sa kanya hanggang sa makababa kami. Pagdating namin sa kainan, everyone's already there. Nandun na sila Mama, sila Finley, si Kuya at Baby John.

We began eating when Mama called my attention.

"Mary, are you free later?"

I shook my head.

"May pupuntahan po ako mamaya," I replied curtly. I didn't dare mention Saint's name. I wasn't sure if Parker was over his feelings for me already, but I didn't want to risk it. He was in a rough place right now, I didn't want to add to his problems. "Bakit po?"

"Ah, wala. I was thinking of going out of town for the weekend since wala na naman pala iyong nanay ni John," Mama said with distaste. "But let's just postpone it for next week. Ayos lang ba sa 'yo, Parker?"

Parker just shrugged.

Nung matapos kaming kumain, nagbihis na ako para sa lakad ko. Mabilis lang akong naghanda dahil ayoko na maghintay si Saint. And although I wouldn't admit it, it bothered me when girls would take pictures with him and touch him. Masyado kasing touchy iyong ibang babae. Okay sana kung picture lang.

Nagpaalam na ako kila Mama at sumakay na sa sasakyan. I sent a text to Saint saying that I was on the way already. Pero bago pa man kami makalabas sa subdivision, pinahinto ko iyong sasakyan. I saw Parker sitting on the swing. And he was smoking. I had never seen him smoke before... At hindi siya naninigarilyo dati. He was an athlete, and smoking was prohibited.

I was torn. Gusto kong bumaba at kausapin siya, pero ano ang sasabihin ko? At saka naghihintay sa akin si Saint.

But seeing Parker spiral down like that...

"Sandali lang po, Manong," I said as I got out of the car. Iniwan ko iyong gamit ko. I just brought myself... and my confidence. I knew I'd need confidence because he'd shut me down. He only asked me one thing. That I stay out of his life. Pero paano ko gagawin iyon kung ganito siya? Kung ginaganito niya ang sarili niya?

Habang naglalakad ako papunta kay Parker, hindi ko mapigilan ang pangangatog ng tuhod ko. Even from afar, he could make my knees tremble. At nung nasa harap niya na ako, nagtaas siya ng tingin. He was still holding that death in a stick, while looking at me.

"Since when did you smoke?" sabi ko, pero imbes na sumagot, he just continued smoking. Napailing ako. Umupo ako sa swing na katabi nung sa kanya. "If Auntie's alive, she wouldn't want you smoking."

Hindi pa rin siya sumasagot at patuloy lang sa pagsigarilyo. Gusto kong kuhanin mula sa kamay niya iyon at saka itapon sa malayo.

"Are you trying to kill yourself?"

Tahimik lang ako na naupo sa tabi niya. Nung maubos iyong isang stick, naglabas siya ng bago at sinindihan.

"I know it's hard, but it's not the end of the world, Parker. Mahirap, pero kakayanin. Nandito naman kami. Nandyan pa ang Papa mo, si Mama, si Papa, si Kuya, sila Kuya Benj, si Cindy... ako," I said. "We're all here for you, Parker. We'll help you with whatever you need, just don't kill yourself like this..." nanghihina na sabi ko.

I knew I was definitely overstepping my boundaries, but he needed to hear this. I hated seeing him be like this.

Tumayo siya at saka binitawan iyong sigarilyo. Inapakan niya iyon.

"What I need is for you to fúck off."

And then he left me.

--

Hindi ko naintindihan kung ano ang pinapanood namin ni Saint. My mind was preoccupied. I didn't want to think about Parker when I was with Saint, but I couldn't help it. I was really worried about him...

"Are you sure you're alright?" Saint asked matapos naming manood ng sine.

I smiled.

"Okay lang ako," I said. He cupped my face. "Okay lang ako, promise."

"Sure?"

I nodded.

"Kain tayo? Nagugutom na ako."

Kumunot ang noo ni Saint.

"You're not okay, Mary. Something's bothering you," he stated.

I sighed. Masyado bang halata na may problema ako o baka naman kilala niya lang talaga ako? Naglakad kami ni Saint hanggang sa makarating kami sa isang café na hindi marami ang tao. He ordered tea for me and he got himself coffee. I kept on playing with my tea while buying myself some time. And a few minutes later, I knew I had to talk.

"Saint, I have a confession."

His brows knitted.

"Is it serious? You're making me worried and nervous, Mary..."

I chewed on my lips. Paano ko ba 'to sasabihin? Hindi ko alam... So I just closed my eyes and went for it.

"Parker... his mom died. And now, he's living with us."

I closed my eyes as I waited for his response. But seconds left, and there was only his silence... and the noise around us. Ibinukas ko ang mga mata ko at saka nakita iyong mukha ni Saint. There was no reaction on his part. I didn't know what to make of it.

"He needs us now, Saint... He just lost his mom, and his dad's not here..."

My heart was beating erratically inside my chest. I wanted to force a reply out of him, but I couldn't do that. I needed to face his reaction, no matter how worse it could be. I deserved it.

"I understand," he said after a few minutes. Nakatingin siya sa akin, but I couldn't read his eyes. "You're his friend, right?"

Slowly, I nodded. He smiled... but it seemed forced.

"As long as you know that you're only a friend, I can take it."

Kahit ganoon ang sinabi niya, masikip pa rin ang dibdib ko.

"Thank you," I replied.

"Just don't make me go through what my parents went through, Mary... I don't think I'm strong enough for that."

And though he smiled, I knew it was fake. He didn't like any of it... and I couldn't do anything about it.

--

We strolled and watched another movie before we decided to go home. Pagdating namin sa bahay, hinarap ko si Saint. I held his face.

"Saint..." I softly called his name and made him look at me. "I'm not like your mom... I mean, she's wonderful and I like her, but I'm not her. Her mistakes wouldn't be my mistakes. So, please don't judge me based on what happened in the past. I'm not your past, Saint. I'm in the present."

He was looking at me, and I felt like drowning. I caressed his face.

"We're only beginning, and there's no way we're going to end anytime sooner," I said as I softly caressed his cheek. "You hear me? We're still going to be together for a long time."

Hindi ko siya tinigilan hanggang hindi siya sumasagot sa akin. I didn't like ending a day with him mad at me. I hated fighting with Saint. I hated it when we're not okay.

"Saint, hindi ako aalis dito hanggang hindi ka sumasagot," I said firmly.

He sighed.

"Alright."

"Alright?"

He nodded.

"I'm sorry if I acted a bit immature. It's just that..." he trailed. "You loved him, Mary. You had feelings for him for God knows how long... And it just bothers me that he's here again, and he's so near... And he needs you. Ano bang laban ko don? It's just... I'm scared. I've never been scared of anyone in my life... Si Parker lang. Because I know that he can take you away from me."

Umiling ako.

"Saint naman..."

He smiled, but there was sadness in his eyes.

"It sucks because it's true. I know it's fúcking immature when I asked you to distance yourself from him, but can you blame me? I'm just scared. I saw you cry for him. I saw you for years loving him from afar. I know that even though things have been going great for us, just one move from Parker and he can take you away from me."

I had always asked honesty from Saint, but I couldn't take his words. He's too honest. His words pierced through my heart. How would I assure him that everything's going to be fine?

I leaned in and kissed him softly.

"Nothing will change," I whispered against his lips. Hindi siya sumagot. "Saint, just trust me on this, alright? I'll never do anything to hurt you..."

Alam ko na sinasabi nila na mas mahal ako ni Saint... but that's not true. I may not be verbal or physical about it, but I really, really love him. And I would be crazy and stupid if I'd do anything that would make me lose him.

--

That night, I was about to sleep when my phone started to vibrate.

"Kuya... why?" I said in my half-asleep state.

"Gising pa ba sila Mama?"

"Ha? I don't know..."

I was tired. Buong araw kaming umikot ni Saint sa mall.

"Tumayo ka at saka tignan mo sa labas."

"Bakit ba?" I said habang nagsisimulang tumayo mula sa kama. I went outside and it was dark, but I still couldn't tell. Baka kasi nasa garden lang sila Mama. Mahilig kasi silang magtea kapag gabi dahil malamig sa labas.

"I just fetch Parker from the police station, and I don't think it'd be a good idea kapag nakita siya ni Mama na ganito."

Biglang nawala iyong antok ko.

"Ha? Bakit? Ano'ng nangyari?"

Binilisan ko ang pagbaba hanggang sa nakita ko sila Mama sa garden. Bakit hindi pa sila tulog? Kung kailan kailangan na tulog na sila, e!

"Long story. So, ano? Gising ba?"

"Yeah..." I said. "Sa bahay na lang kaya nila mo dalhin, Kuya?" I suggested.

"I tried," he said. "But the house was locked. Wala rin sila Benj sa bahay nila and Jackson's missing, as usual."

I chewed on my lip.

"Sa bahay mo, Kuya?"

"What? Gusto mong batuhin ni Mars si Parker ng kaldero!"

I kept on pacing back and forth. Hindi ako makapag-isip ng sagot, at iniisip ko pa rin kung bakit nasa presinto si Parker.

"Sa hotel, Kuya? Check-in na lang kayo..." I said. It was the last resort.

"Pwede, pero kailangan kong umuwi. May sakit si John. Dinaanan ko lang si Parker dahil ako ang nasa speed dial niya," he explained.

"Ah... iwanan mo na lang, Kuya..."

Malaki na naman si Parker. Okay lang naman na mag-isa siyang naka-check in sa hotel... At saka hindi pwede na makita siya ni Mama. Sigurado ako na sesermunan siya. And that's the last thing he needed right now. He'd only do worse kapag pinagsabihan siya.

"Baliw ka ba? What if he drowns in his own barf? E 'di konsensya ko pa."

"E ano ang gagawin, Kuya?"

There was a beat.

"Stay with him. For the night."