#JustTheStrings

Kabanata 45

Saint's family was wonderful. His father really liked me, lalo na nung nalaman niya na dating presidente iyong great-grandfather ko. His mom adored me when she learned that I was close to all her sons, dahil ako lang pala talaga ang nakakasundo nilang lahat. Even Dani, hindi siya close kay Austin. And Ate Maggie loved me when I promised to shop with her one of these days. His grandparents were just happy that he's got himself a girlfriend. And his cousins were all really cool.

"Tired?" he asked as he was driving me home.

I nodded. Ang daming kumausap sa akin. I felt so drained.

"You wanna eat first? You didn't eat much tonight," he said.

"What? You were watching what I eat?" I said, eyeing him. Issue niya talaga iyong braso ko, masyado daw payat.

"Yeah..." he lazily said. "You're really thin, you know? Abuela scolded me because she thought I was starving you."

Ang cute talaga ng Lola ni Saint! She's old but really energetic! And she was able to travel all the way from Madrid, kahit nakakapagod iyon.

"You're not starving me. You're a nagger kaya," I reminded him. He nagged every time. When I was not studying enough, when I forgot to eat (because he nagged me to study), kapag nakakalimutan ko na makipaglaro kina Finley. Saint is definitely a nagger.

He laughed, and his laugh echoed in the car.

"So, what do you want to eat?"

"Uhmm... pizza and fries?"

"Such a kid," he said and then ruffled my hair. "Alright, let's get you some pizza and fries."

We bought food and then drove home. Doon kami huminto sa isang part ng subdivision namin. We opened the back of his car and we sat there quietly, looking at the stars shining brightly above us.

"Saint..."

"Hmm?"

"Do you know Cindy?"

Napa-tingin siya agad sa akin.

"Why?"

"I saw her tonight. At the party."

Natigilan siya. I didn't want to push him if he didn't want to tell me things... just like he gave me space when I needed to breathe. I was ready to divert the topic when he answered my question.

"After I was born, my parents separated for a while... That was when my Dad met Cindy's mom."

My mouth went agape. Cindy's his sister?

"And then things happened, and Cindy was conceived. My mom learned about this and she was enraged. It was just a trial separation, they weren't really separated. I didn't know what exactly happened, bata pa kasi ako nun," he said with a smile. "But when Mom filed annulment against my Dad, together with a petition to never let him see his kids, I think that that was when my Dad realized that he couldn't lose Mom. He tried getting back with her for a year, but Mom wouldn't have any of it. She tried seeing other people... but in the end, they compromised for our sake. And also, both families threatened to disown them kapag naghiwalay sila. So there's that."

I looked at Saint and I wanted to hug him. Hindi ko akalain na may ganito pala sa buhay niya... He had always been all sunshine. I didn't notice the storm hiding behind the clouds.

"...kaya ba nawawala iyong 1997 na frame sa bahay niyo?"

"You noticed?" he said, looking at me.

I nodded, and smiled a little.

"I was looking at your baby pictures..."

Napa-ngiti na rin siya. Sinandal ko iyong ulo ko sa balikat niya.

"1997 was the year when they separated because Dad briefly stayed with Cindy's mom while she was pregnant. So much for being married, right? Getting someone pregnant... Cheating even though you have kids waiting for you at home."

Kaya ba galit siya kay Parker dati? Dahil kay Cindy? Ang dami kong gustong itanong pero hindi ko alam kung paano... I didn't want to open the wound again. Ayoko ng nasasaktan si Saint.

"1997 won't happen again," I said and then held his hand. "Both your parents looked happy."

"I guess..."

"Bakit?" I asked when I sensed his apprehension.

"Well, a few weeks after my parents got back together, my Mom found out that was pregnant."

"Si Cohen?"

He nodded.

"And they didn't know if it was my Dad's or the guy my Mom was previously dating..."

Oh, my God. Ang dami palang sikreto ng pamilya ng Gomez de Liaño.

"But they didn't want to risk another scandal so my Dad decided that it was his. So if you'd notice, Cohen's not really comfortable around us. We try to accommodate him because even if he's not Dad's son, he's still our brother... Pero, ewan. He's sometimes distant," he said and then squeezed my hand. "So, thank you for being there for him. I appreciate it whenever you talk to Cohen. He's a pretty lonely kid."

This time, I hugged Saint. He really deserved a hug.

"I like Cohen."

"I said thank you for talking to him, not like him."

I chuckled.

"I like him because he's your brother. You're on a different level," I whispered in his ears.

"Then what level am I on?" he whispered back.

"Love. I love you," I answered against his chest.

Instead of saying it back, he cupped my face and looked into my eyes.

"I love you, Mary Imogen Suarez," he declared and I couldn't help but smile. "Let's not break-up ever, alright?"

I nodded. Ayoko rin mahiwalay sa kanya. Masaya ako sa ganito. He made me really happy. I liked comfort. I like safety. What's so wrong with that?

And then he kissed me again... but this time, it was different.

--

"You alright?" he asked. Naghahanap ako ng plastic sa loob ng sasakyan niya para lagyan ng kalat namin. Knowing Saint, kung hindi ko aayusin iyong pinagkainan namin, malamang makikita ko pa rin 'to sa Monday kapag sinundo niya ako para sa school.

I nodded.

"Really? Your ears are red."

Tinakpan ko agad iyong tenga ko.

"Gabi na! Pano mo nakikita?" I hissed.

He laughed.

"I didn't. So, why are you all red?" he asked, and then took a step closer. "Is it because of the kiss?"

Nanlaki iyong mata ko.

"Still shy? It's the twentieth time we kissed, Mary."

Mas lalong nanlaki.

"Binibilang mo?!"

He nodded.

"If we reach five hundred, I'll stop counting then," sabi niya tapos hinampas ko siya. Tawa naman siya nang tawa. Ang kulit talaga ni Saint! Sabi ko na nga, e. Masamang idea talaga na magkasama kami kapag madaling-araw! "I'll kiss you better next time, para mas lalo kang mamula."

"Kasi... bakit ganon?"

"Hmm? Bakit ano?"

"Ang tagal."

I was just saying fragments. Hindi ako makabuo ng sentence. Nakaka-distract iyong labi ni Saint. Nahahawa na ako sa pagiging malandi niya.

"Ahhh... I get why you're confused. It's because we didn't just kiss, Mary. It's called making out."

Nanlaki na naman iyong mata ko.

"A-ano?!"

Tawang-tawa na naman si Saint. He's really having fun teasing me!

"You really want me to expain? Fine," sabi niya at saka nagsimula siyang magsalita ng kung anu-ano. Tinakpang ko iyong tenga ko at saka tumakbo papasok sa sasakyan niya. I locked him outside, tapos tawa lang siya nang tawa. Ang bully!

Maya-maya, kumakatok na siya.

"Let me in," he said against the window. "I won't tease you anymore."

I rolled the window a bit.

"If you tease me again, you can't kiss me."

Tumawa na naman siya.

"Sure, Mary. Sure. As if you can resist."

"Ang feeling mo naman!"

"Look at my lips. It's all swollen. Sino ba ang kumagat dito?"

Tinaas ko agad iyong bintana kaya naipit iyong braso niya.

"If I can drive, I'll run you over, Saint Iverson Gomez de Liaño!" inis na inis na sabi ko sa kanya pero tawa na naman ang nakuha ko. He's really the worst during this time in the morning!

--

Morning came, akala ko makakatulog ako ng mas mahaba. Ano'ng oras na rin kasi akong nakatulog. Akala ko pag-alis ni Saint ay makakapagpahinga na ako pero hindi pala. We spent a good few hours talking on facetime. Actually, sabay lang kaming nanonood ng Stranger Things sa Netflix at nag-uusap lang kami sa facetime kapag may comments kami.

I was in dire need of sleep... pero may kumakalabit sa akin.

"Ate..."

"Hmm..." I groaned. I really wanted to sleep some more. And even if I needed to open my eyes, I couldn't. My lids felt heavy, medyo mahapdi din.

"Ate..."

And then I heard sobbing. Doon napa-mulat ang mga mata ko.

"Finley, why?" I asked, worried. My brother rarely cries... Pakiramdam niya kasi, siya ang kuya sa kanila ni Riley kaya naman pinipigilan niya na umiyak. He thought he needed to be strong for Riley... And seeing him cry like this really made me worry.

Tuluy-tuloy lang iyong pagtulo ng luha niya. Mas lalo lang lumalakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko.

"Fin... what's wrong?"

"Ate..." he said, sobbing. "Auntie Kach..."

"Ha?"

He was crying. Hindi siya makapagsalita. And then I noticed... he was wearing black. And then I saw Riley standing by the door... also wearing black. Tapos si Mama, naglalakad papasok sa kwarto ko... also wearing black.

"Bumangon ka na. Take a bath. We're leaving in 20 minutes," sabi niya. I could clearly see her bloodshot eyes.

My chest began to tighten. I had a clue... but I had no strength to ask. I was too afraid to even do it.

"Ma..."

She quickly wiped the tears.

"Go down in 20 minutes," sabi niya at saka isinama sina Finley at Riley pababa. Naiwan akong tulala. I did what was asked of me, but my mind was playing all these different scenarios... all aiming for the worst possibility. Gusto ko ring maiyak pero ayoko. It felt like it would all turn into reality kapag umiyak ako. Pero nung pagbaba ko... nung makita ko silang lahat na naka-suot ng itim... I just wanted to cry.

"Let's eat," Mama said. "Parker's already home."

My chest constricted in pain again.

"Ma..." I trailed, my voice lost. Sinubukan ko na tibayan iyong loob ko para maitanong ko. I felt like I would go crazy kapag hindi ko pa rin nalaman. "W-what's happening?"

Mama looked at me. She tried to smile though I could see that she was in so much pain.

"Your Aunt died last week. I thought she was getting better with the treatments, pero hindi niya lang pala sinasabi. Akala ko umuwi si Parker dahil maayos na ang Mama niya... but he just came back to fix his mom's memorial."

The pain in my chest was just getting worse.

"Ma..."

She smiled again.

"Kaya bilisan mo ng kumain. Puntahan na natin si Parker. He needs us now."

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko nagawang kumain ng hindi naiiyak. I was feeling numb. I didn't want to process what I just heard. Auntie Kach was like a mother to me... She was there while I was growing up. Palagi niya akong inaalagaan kapag nasa kanila ako...

And Parker. God. I was dead worried for him. I hoped that he didn't do anything stupid.

Pagdating namin sa bahay nila, tahimik. Hindi ko alam na may ganito palang nangyayari sa buhay nila. Hindi ko alam na may ganito palang pinagdadaanan si Parker... He never told me anything... Or maybe because I never asked him. I felt so guilty for not being there for him when he needed me the most.

"Where's Parker?" tanong ni Mama kay Manang. Agad kaming sinabihan na nasa kwarto si Parker. Dumiretso doon si Mama habang ako, hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. I wanted to be there for him... but he told me he didn't want to see me again. Hindi ko alam kung saan ko ilalagay ang sarili ko.

Napaupo na lang ako.

"Pa... where's Uncle?"

"Still in the US."

"Hindi siya uuwi?" I asked.

"I don't know... It's been really hard for him. Maybe he's taking time to process everything."

Naiintindihan ko si Uncle... pero paano si Parker? Maiiwan ba siyang mag-isa dito? The house was huge... but it felt empty. Nalulungkot ako para sa kanya. My heart was breaking.

"Go to Parker," Papa said. "He needs his best friend at trying times like this."

I pursed my lips. I didn't know if he still needed me...

Nakatabi lang ako kay Papa hanggang maya-maya ay bumaba si Mama. Agad tumayo si Papa para alalayan si Mama habang bumababa ng hagdan.

"Shi, it's alright if Parker will stay with us for a while, right? I called Tripp and he said that he'll be staying there indefinitely... Ayoko naman na mag-isa lang si Parker dito."

Papa quickly agreed. Tinignan ako ni Mama.

"Come and help him pack his things, Mary," Mama told me. "Shi, help me organize a ceremony for Kach," sabi niya at saka lumabas silang dalawa.

Nadikit ako sa kinatatayuan ko. Hindi ko alam kung paano gagalaw. I was scared, hindi ko alam kung paano siya kakausapin... But I needed to face my fear. I needed to be the bigger person. He needed someone now. And I wouldn't leave him... pero 'wag niya sana akong itaboy.

Kahit na kinakabahan ako, umakyat pa rin ako. Every step brought fear in my heart. Habang palapit ako sa kwarto niya, mas lumalakas lang iyong tibok ng puso ko. At nung nasa harap na ako ng pinto niya, parang gusto ng tumalon ng puso ko palabas ng dibdib. I didn't have to knock because the door was ajar.

Tahimik akong pumasok sa loob. I wanted to say his name, but I couldn't. Para akong tinakasan ng boses ko. Nakaupo siya sa gilid ng kama niya, iyong kamay niya ay natatakpan ang mukha niya.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako katagal na nakatayo doon... I was just staring at him. Hindi siya nagsasalita pero ramdam na ramdam ko iyong paghihirap niya. I wanted to hug him and tell him that everything's going to be fine, kahit hindi ko alam kung totoo ba... I just wanted to make him feel better.

"Parker..."

He didn't move.

"I'm sorry..."

My heart was pounding.

"I'm here if you need anything."

Tinignan niya ako. His eyes were dead. There was no emotion in his eyes.

"Get out."

"Parker naman..."

"Get out of my room, get out of my house, get out of my life."

I heard my heart shattering.

"Parker—"

"And stop saying my name. I don't want to do anything with you anymore."

Nagsisimula ng magtubig iyong mga mata ko. Bakit ba niya 'to sinasabi sa akin? Hindi ko naman alam na ganito 'yung nangyayari sa kanya... Sa tingin niya ba kung alam ko, hindi ko siya tutulungan? Ganoon ba ang tingin niya sa akin?

"I'm sorry," I repeated. "I'm sorry if I wasn't there for you. Hindi ko naman alam."

"I don't need you and your sorry. Just... just stay away from me," he said. His voice sounded so tired. "Please."

Tinignan ko siya.

"I can't do that, Parker. You're just saying that because you're hurt..."

He stared at me. The seriousness in his eyes broke a part of my heart. Did he really want nothing to do with me?

"If you really care about me, stop bothering me. Please."