#JustTheStrings

Kabanata 50

The drive home was awfully quiet. No one spoke a word. I tried to mask off my indifference by pretending to be asleep, but the truth was, I couldn't deal with anything right now. I couldn't deal with Parker. I couldn't deal with what he was proposing. And when we arrived home, I knew I couldn't shrug it off anymore. The engine was still running and he was asking questions again.

"Are you done with him?" Parker asked.

"I wanna sleep," I replied and opened the door. I began walking but I could feel him following me behind. "Give it a rest, Parker," pagod na sabi ko.

I was hurting. He was hurting. But running away was not the answer. I didn't want to be unfair to him. Ayoko siyang gamitin dahil lang nasasaktan ako. He deserved better. I deserved better. We didn't deserve something like that.

Pumasok ako sa loob ng kwarto ko at saka naglinis ng katawan. I stared at the mirror and I didn't like what I saw. What had become of my life? I tried to protect everyone but I ended up protecting no one. We just ended up hurting each other.

I sighed and smiled.

"It's not the end," I whispered to myself. "Losing Saint is not the end of the world, Imo," I reminded myself.

Siguro kailangan kong sabihin 'to sa sarili ko araw-araw. Kasi bukas, alam ko na malaki iyong posibilidad na makita ko siya. Masyadong maliit ang mundo para sa aming dalawa. I didn't want to go through all the trouble just to avoid him. I realized that if I couldn't save anyone no matter how hard I try, then I should just stop altogether. I lived my life trying to consider everyone's feelings... maybe it's high time I consider myself alone.

The night ended swiftly. I woke up with my head pounding from the lack of sleep, and my eyes puffy from the incessant crying I did. Pero tama na 'yun. Ayoko nang umiyak. Pagod na akong umiyak pero kailangan kong pumasok. I already lost someone, I wouldn't dare lose anything anymore.

"Are you okay?" Mama asked me.

I timidly smiled and nodded. There's no other option for me but to be okay.

"Papasok na po ako," I replied. "Start na ng finals next week. Kailangan ko pa pong magreview."

No more question was asked. Nagpahatid agad ako kay Manong sa school at agad akong dumiretso sa library para mag-aral. I deactivated all my accounts and turned off my phone. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to explain anything to anyone. I didn't want to make sense of what I was feeling.

I just wanted to shut down for a while.

"Hey..."

Kath and Liza were both looking at me. Alam na ba nila? Hindi ko pa naman sinasabi...

"Hmm?"

"Are you okay?"

Why did everyone keep on asking me this?

I nodded.

"I'm fine," I said. "I'm okay. Let's talk about it later. Nandito na 'yung prof."

But that didn't happen, of course. As soon as the classes ended, I went to the parking lot and had myself driven home. I really was not in the mood to entertain any more questions. Nagsasawa na rin akong marinig ang tanong kung okay lang ba ako. Kasi kung hindi ako okay, may magagawa ba sila? Could they take this awful feeling inside me?

Pagdating ko sa bahay, agad kong nakita si Mama na naghihintay sa akin sa sala. She looked really worried. It was the first time I saw her like this. She was usually bossing everyone around. But now, she looked like she was about to cry.

"After your finals, you want to go somewhere? Let's go on a vacation?"

"You're due next month," I reminded her. She looked like she was about to pop any minute now.

"You want to go on a vacation alone? 'Di ba matagal mo nang hinihiling sa amin ng Papa mo 'yun?"

I smiled a little.

"You're being so weird, Ma. I'm fine."

"You're not fine. You're honestly scaring me, Mary Imogen. Bakit wala kang reaction? Why aren't you crying? Or getting mad?" she said.

"I'm just really tired."

It was the truth. Iniyak ko na yata lahat ng pwede kong iiyak kagabi. Wala ng lakas na natira sa akin.

"But, Ma..." I looked at her. Alam ko na nag-aalala lang siya para sa akin, but I didn't want her to meddle with my business. "You remembered during my birthday, sabi mo pwede akong humiling ng kahit ano sa 'yo? Can I get my wish now?"

She looked at me, probably hoping that I hadn't turned suicidal yet.

"After this sem, I want to shift. I want to study Fine Arts. I want my own place. I want my own car. And I want to go to Europe alone this vacation."

Slowly, she nodded.

"Okay..." she said, her voice barely audible. "But you do know it's his loss, right?"

I smiled.

"It's my loss, too, Ma. I really loved him, pero baka hanggang dito lang talaga."

I lost him, I knew that, but I wouldn't forget everything we'd been through. Just because I didn't like how we ended didn't mean I'd forget how we started. Saint saved me when I was lost. He found me when I was drowning with my feelings for Parker. He cared for me. He made me smiled. He loved me.

Maybe it wasn't meant to last... but I was glad we happened.

--

The whole week was dedicated to studying. I needed good grades to be able to transfer to Fine Arts. I was already preparing my portfolio. My parents prepared my new condo and new car. I just needed to finish everything and then I'd disappear for a while... and maybe when I return next sem, I'd be a better version of myself.

And maybe I'd learn not to care about other people too much. I wanted to learn to care about myself only.

"You're going to Europe?" Parker asked.

I nodded. Nasaan ba sila Mama? Bakit kaming dalawa lang ang kumakain?

"For how long?"

"Two months."

"Alone?"

I nodded.

"You'll come back?"

"I'm not running from my problems anymore, Parker. I learned better than to do that. I'm just taking a break... napagod kasi talaga ako," I said and then offered a small smile.

"Why don't you run away with me?"

I stared at him. I knew he was just as lost as I was.

"Why? Because misery loves company?" I dared ask.

"Because I understand you," he replied. "In ways that he'll never be able to."

"Bakit mo ba ginagawa sa akin 'to, Parker? Why don't you just give it up?"

He looked at me and painfully smiled.

"How can I give you up? How can I give you up when you're the only thing that makes me want to go on?"

Tumayo na ako. This was the reason why I didn't want to talk to him.

"Why don't you accept it, Imo? I'm the only one who understands you better than anyone. No matter how hard you try, you'll always end up with me."

Ganon ba talaga? Was this the curse of best friends? Kasi pakiramdam nila, sila ang pinaka-nakakakilala sa iyo kaya bawal na ang iba? Was this the same reason why Dani felt entitled to toy with my life? To meddle with my business with Saint? Dahil siya ang best friend? Dahil siya ang pinaka-nakakakilala? Bakit ako? Hindi ako nakielam nung nagkaroon ng Cindy si Parker... Why couldn't they extend the same courtesy to me? Why did they have the need to ruin every good thing in my life, until I was reduced to wanting nothing but to save myself?

Bakit sila ganoon?

"Imo," he called my name. "When you return, I'll be better."

I smiled, because at that time, it was all I could offer. Tumalikod na ako at nagsimulang maglakad palayo sa kanya, pero alam ko na narinig ko kung ano ang sinabi niya.

"I'll wait until you're over him."

--

When the finals were over, I was supposed to go home already because my flight was tomorrow afternoon. But even before I could stand up from my seat, agad akong hinawakan ni Kath sa kamay.

"May last party mamaya!" she said. "Let's all go, huh? Sobrang hindi ko na maalala kung kailan huli tayong nag-usap!" Bago pa ako makasagot, nagsalita na naman siya. "Bawal tumanggi! Sige na, babe! Two weeks mo na kaming tinataguan ni Liza, akala mo hindi ko pansin?"

I looked at her and I knew she wouldn't give it up, so I just nodded.

"Great! Wait may tatawagan lang ako," she said and then went outside. Naiwan kaming dalawa ni Liza na magkatabi.

"Imo..." she said. I looked at her. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine. It's your business," I replied.

I learned not to meddle with anyone's affair. I learned it the hard way.

"I didn't mean to fall for Jackson... It just happened."

Just like how Dani didn't mean to ruin my relationship with Saint, sure.

"Okay," I replied instead and faked a smile. "Okay na, Liza. It's not my conscience bothering me. If there's anyone you need to say sorry to, it's Ate Jas. I hope you're able to sleep at night."

Tahimik kaming naghintay kay Kath. Pagdating niya, tumayo agad kami para bumili ng isusuot namin para mamaya. While they were looking for clothes, Kath kept on asking questions.

"Imo... Break na ba kayo ni Saint?"

I nodded.

"So totoo nga..."

"Ang alin?" I asked.

"Kasi... haaay. Narinig ko lang 'to, pero may something na yata sa kanila ni Dani. Akala ko joke lang kasi alam ko naman na patay na patay si Saint sa 'yo kaya hindi ako naniwala. Pero totoo pala," she said, biting down her lip. "Okay ka lang?"

That question again.

"I'm okay. Bilisan na natin, nagugutom na ako."

Pagdating namin sa school, maraming tao. Teachers were not allowed and some booths were serving alcohol. Ayoko mang malaman pero nalaman ko pa rin na nagchampion sa basketball ang school namin kaya may victory party. And of course, Saint was the MVP. Ano bang bago.

"If you're not comfortable, we can ditch this and just go to my place and watch movies, okay?" Kath said. I just smiled. I'd rather enjoy this last night because I'd be gone for two months. Who knew what would change during that period of time...

May kumausap kay Kath na kakilala niya at hindi ko pinapansin si Liza. To avoid awkwardness, I stood up and looked for a booth. I just wanted to drink tonight para tulog lang ako sa flight ko bukas.

"Look who's here. It's the ex."

Bakit hindi 'to nakikita ni Saint? Kapag ba naka-tingin siya kay Dani, anghel ang nakikita niya? Why couldn't he see the stinking attitude of his best friend? She's rotten from the inside out.

Nung hindi ako nagsalita, akala ko titigilan niya na ako. Wala akong balak makipag-away sa kanya.

"Tama naman ako, 'di ba? You're the ex now."

I was trying to stay quiet but she pushed my shoulder.

"Ex na ako pero best friend ka pa rin," I spat. "He'll never like you the way you like him, Dani. Tanggapin mo na."

Her jaw clenched with what she heard. I didn't like fights, but I was resolved that I was done taking shits from everybody. I tried to live my life like that but I ended up losing everybody I hold dear. Sawa na akong pumayag na tinatapakan na lang kasi pinagbibigyan ko sila.

"I'd rather be the best friend than the whore who cheated behind his back."

I closed my fist.

"Mabuting masanay ka na kasi hanggang best friend ka lang. Saint may hate me now, but at least once in his life, he loved me. Something that you'll never experience, best friend."

Nagsimula na akong maglakad palayo nung bigla niyang hatakin iyong buhok ko. I whimpered in pain but she was too strong. Ni hindi ako nakagalaw nung pagkakalmutin niya iyong braso at mukha ko. No one could see us because everyone was busy drinking and having fun.

"You bitch! Bigla ka lang dadating tapos aagawin mo si Saint! Sino ka ba! Kunwari ka pang mahinhin ka pero malandi ka naman!" she said as she kept on pulling my hair and scratching me. I tried to defend myself but she was too strong. She assaulted me until my body felt numb. "Malandi ka!"

Napagod na ako. Walang dadating para iligtas ako. Hindi nga pala fairytale ang buhay...

"Don't ever show yourself in front of him again!" sigaw niya sa akin nung mapagod na siyang sabunutan ako.

When she was out of sight, I sat down and looked at my arms. I'd probably have to wear long sleeves tomorrow para hindi mapansin nila Mama iyong kalmot sa akin. Sana lang ay walang pasa sa mukha ko dahil mahirap takpan iyon. I got my phone and took pictures of the scratches I got from Dani. If she dared mess with me again, I'll file a case against her para malaman niya kung sino ang sinasabunutan niya. Papunta na sana ako sa parking lot para magpahatid sa ospital nung makasalubong ko siya.

Agad akong umiwas. I couldn't even look at him without reminding myself of the things he said last night.

"W-what happened to you?" he asked as he eyed the long scratches on my arms. I think I bruised the side of my lips, too.

Iniwasan ko siya at nagsimulang maglakad lagpas sa kanya nung hawakan niya iyong braso ko. I flinched because of the pain. Pakiramdam ko nabali iyong braso ko dahil sa nangyari kanina.

"Mary..." he called.

My breathing hitched, but I stopped myself. 'Hanggang doon na lang, Imo. Don't you dare go back anymore.' I reminded myself.

"I'm sorry," he said. "For the things I said, I'm sorry."

'Wag kang umiyak. Hindi ako pwedeng umiyak. Akala ko ba tapos na ako sa pag-iyak?

"I was just hurt. And furious."

"So you hurt me instead? Kasi nasasaktan ka?" hindi ko makapaniwalang sabi. "Ganyan ka pala magmahal, Saint. Bagay nga kayo ni Dani."

Nagsimula na akong maglakad palayo sa kanya pero hinawakan niya ulit iyong braso ko.

"I'll bring you to the hospital, okay?"

Mabilis kong tinanggal iyong hawak niya sa akin.

"I'm not your girlfriend anymore, Saint. Ikaw na mismo iyong nagsabi. Kaya 'wag mo na akong kausapin, 'wag mo na akong hawakan. Stop appearing in front of me, if you can."

My chest was heaving. I needed to get away from him bago na naman niya ako paiyakin kasi tama na. Sobra na.

"Is this really the end of us, Mary?"

I looked at him.

"You ended it, not me."

Napatingin siya sa likod ko. Nakita ko roon si Parker.

"Because of him? You choose him?"

I stared at him... it's probably the last time I'd ever let myself look at him like this.

"He believes in me... something you never did."