#JustTheStrings

Kabanata 54

My jaw was probably already on the floor. And my chest heaving because of the bomb he just dropped in front of me. Had Saint always been this selfish? Did he move here just to chase me and corner me? Why was he doing this to me? He was the one who broke up with me! He was the one who didn't even bother to listen to my explanation! He was the one who ended us.

"I can't believe you..." I said, my voice covered with disappointment. I tried to get past him, but he grabbed my wrist.

"Mary..."

Something inside me throbbed when he said that. Mary. I even resented my name because of him.

"We're already done. What can't you understand, Saint?"

He looked at me. I refused to stare at his eyes.

"Everything," he breathed. "I can't understand everything... I knew I said things I didn't mean. I knew I hurt you... I knew you wouldn't talk to me for days because that's who you are, you know? You'd clamped up and ignore the world. So I gave you space and time." And then I could feel his eyes. He was boring a hole in me. "But then you left. You left me."

My insides froze. His admission was making it hard to breathe.

"Ano'ng gusto mong gawin ko? You hurt me."

"You lied to me."

"And you hurt me! Nagagantihan lang ba tayo?"

Kahit ano'ng pilit ko na 'wag magalit, na 'wag sumigaw, hindi ko magawa. He was trying to open the wound that I tried so hard to heal! Akala ba niya madali? I spent weeks crying! Strangers stared at me because I was crying! He destroyed every place for me! I couldn't even enjoy Paris because everything reminded me of him! Tapos ako pa 'yung nang-iwan?

"Isn't that what relationships are, Mary? We fight, we get mad, we give each other space, and then we talk! I knew we fought, but I was hoping that we'd talk! Pero iniwan mo ako! You left me without even saying anything! You know how crazy you made me?! I didn't even know where in the world you are!"

He was mad. It was the first time I'd seen him this angry.

"Why do you always run away from me?" His voice was weak, but his eyes said so many things. I couldn't even recognize him anymore. He wasn't the Saint I used to know.

Seven months passed... and still, it was my fault. Why was it always my fault?

"Was I suppose to stay? Kahit ang sakit-sakit na?"

My lips felt dry. I knew there was a reason why I tried my hardest to avoid him. Because it would hurt like this again. And the last time he hurt me almost destroyed me. I never wanted to go through that again.

"Bakit ako? Hindi ba ako nasaktan?" he threw back at me.

I smiled. And then peeled my hands off my arm.

"That's right. We hurt each other, kaya tama na. Let's not make the same mistake again."

It was like reading the same book, and expecting a different ending. It's insanity. It's expecting a different outcome when you already know in the first place how horrible it would end... no matter how badly you hope.

I started to walk away from him. Hanggang kaya ko pa. Because walking away from him had always been the hardest thing to do.

"Was I that? A mistake?"

But I didn't answer him. I just walked away. Because he wasn't a mistake... he never was. But he shouldn't know that.

--

The whole ride to school passed like a blur. Every time I closed my eyes, image of Saint kept on flashing back. I shouldn't even have talked to him. I knew it was a mistake. Seven months wasn't long... it was enough to heal the wound, but not enough to make me forget everything.

Pagdating ko sa building namin, agad kong inialis si Saint sa isipan ko. I wouldn't be able to function properly if he kept on invading my mind. The time I spent away would've been for nothing if I'd just come back to the place I left. And he'd just end up breaking me again. I didn't want that. I couldn't go through that again.

"Hi." I smiled at the girl who smiled at me. She was the first one to talk to me. "I'm Ria. You are?"

I accepted her hand and said, "I'm Imogen."

"I thought Mary ang pangalan mo?"

I really couldn't get a break. Kahit yata saang college ako ng school na 'to mapunta, susundan ako ng anino ni Saint.

"Yes, that also. But I prefer Imogen."

And I just found out that my seat mate, Ria, was GDL brothers' biggest fan. She studied here in SCA specifically since dito nag-aaral ang mga magkakapatid na Gomez de Liaño. Just when I thought I already got rid of Kath and her fanaticism sa GDL, bigla namang nagkaroon ako ng Ria. Parang si Kath lang din siya. And God, she wouldn't shut up about GDL!

"So, mabait ba si mommy Anna? How about si daddy Bert?"

"Huh?"

"Kasi 'di ba pinakilala ka ni Saint nung anniversary party ng parents niya?"

I was horrified! How did she even know that?! Ni hindi nga ako nagpost online—or si Saint—tungkol sa party na 'yun, e!

"She's very nice," I said. "Uhh... I just have to go somewhere."

Agad akong tumayo at lumabas. That must be how celebrities must feel. Na kahit wala ka namang sinasabihan, surprisingly, everyone knows about your business. Na kahit ayaw mong pag-usapan, pakiramdam nila pwede just because the information is out in the open. It was exhilarating.

I was about to get some fresh air nung makasalubong ko si Cohen. And even if I tried to escape, I couldn't because I could clearly see that he's walking towards me.

"Hey," he said.

I smiled. "Hey," I replied. He stared at me for a while, like he was pondering if he'd ask me something or not... And I was not stupid not to know that it was about Saint. Everything's about Saint in this school! I couldn't escape if even if I try!

"Have you seen Saint?"

Agad na kumunot ang noo ko. Apparently now, I was also the one people ask about Saint, maliban sa pagtatanong tungkol sa parents niya at sa dekorasyon nila sa bahay. I still felt the chills as Ria described the decorations in Saint's house! Alam niya rin kung ilan ang CR. Ten. I didn't even want to know kung paano niya nalaman.

"No," I replied. "And why don't you call him?"

It was an easy question pero hindi agad siya naka-sagot. He was just looking at me, still debating if he'd tell me whatever it was that he's thinking.

"Cohen, my next class is about to start. Kung wala kang nang sasabihin, mauna na ako..."

"Wait," he said. "My brother... did he really buy the unit beside yours?"

Natigilan ako. And then I nodded.

"Can you tell him to go back home, Cohen?" I asked.

"I can't," he replied. "My parents tried to tell him to stop, but he doesn't want to."

"Tell them to take back the condo."

"They can't. Saint sold his car to buy that condo, Imo. So, I don't even have any idea where he is right now. I tried to ask his security details, but he threatened them not to tell me and my brothers anything. He's skipping practice and whenever I try to go to his condo, it's either he's not there or he's just avoiding me altogether."

Biglang bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko.

"What? Why would he even do that?"

Tinignan ako ni Cohen. Alam ko na naiipit siya sa sitwasyon. Saint's his brother and I was his friend. But I knew he'd choose Saint over me... naiintindihan ko naman. I would've done the same. Family comes before anything.

"When you left, Saint didn't even have any idea that you'd go to Europe. He just learned about it when you were already gone. He wanted to follow you but Mom hid his passport and visa. She was very disappointed at him for what he did to you."

Napaawang ang labi ko.

"H-how did she know?"

"Dani told her. But she didn't believe her. Those were just pictures. They could mean a million things, my mom said... Because you know? My mom really likes you for Saint. And she's very disappointed at Saint. She told him that it's his fault that he lost you, so he should deal with the repercussions of his action."

Dani... that girl. Kahit sa mga magulang ni Saint, sasabihin niya? Wala ba talaga siyang awa sa akin? Saint already broke up with me, pati ba naman sa parents ay gusto niya akong siraan?

"Do you know how much my Mom told him that? Repeatedly. Over and over. But he just kept silent until you returned... and then the first thing he did, he sold his car because he knew our parents wouldn't support him of his decision."

I tried to smile, but I failed ultimately.

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked him. I was already done with Saint. He already broke my trust. He already did the damage. Nasaktan na ako. Nasaktan na siya.

"Because I think you should give him a chance. He's a really nice guy and he's patient, but he's human, Imo. He has issues with trust because of our parents, but he's working on them for you." He sighed. "I know he messed up—so bad—but he's doing his best to get you back."

I smiled at him.

"Not everything can be fixed."

He nodded.

"I know... but he's my brother... and I just want the best for him," he said and then smiled at me. "And you're the best for him."

"Thank you... but we're already done, Cohen. I loved Saint, I really did, but love isn't enough."

I needed trust. And he failed to give me that.

--

Hanggang sa makauwi ako sa unit ko, iniisip ko pa rin iyong mga sinabi sa akin ni Cohen. Dapat hindi ko na siya kinausap. I didn't even want to know that much! It was all unsolicited information. I was contented thinking that Saint broke me... and then Cohen destroyed everything. I just kept on repeating everything he said. Paulit-ulit kaya pakiramdam ko ay mababaliw ako.

Tinapos ko lang iyong mga kailangan kong gawin. It was just the first day, so there's not much that I was supposed to do. And when dinner came, I didn't have the heart to cook... and I didn't even want to try. I believed my mom. Nung sinabi niya na ako ang papatay sa sarili ko sa pagda-drive, muntik na nga akong mamatay... And I didn't want to try my luck at cooking. I might end up burning the whole unit down.

I was sitting on my bed and browsing for a place to order food from. Habang naghahanap ako ng kakainin, sumingit muna ako sa facebook para tumingin. And it was a big mistake. Psalm was tagged in a picture... and there was Saint. God, he's literally everywhere!

'Tapos baka hindi pa kumakain iyon kasi walang pera. He defied his parents for you,' my conscience said.

'Oh, shut up, Mary!' I responded.

Nahiga ako sa kama at saka nagpa-gulong-gulong. I hated my conscience! Ngayon, kasalanan ko pa na binenta niya iyong mahal niyang sasakyan para sundan ako dito? Kasalanan ko na wala siyang pera dahil doon? Bakit ba kasalanan ko lahat?!

He made me resent a lot of things. He made me hate ducks, seeds, amusement parks, coffee, basketball, curly people, Pokemon, dabbing, and even Harry Potter for a while! Everything reminded me of him! It was suffocating. He's like a storm.

He took me to museums, and parks, and monuments, and kissed me in every beautiful place...He did so that I could never go back to them without tasting him like blood in my mouth. He destroyed me in the most beautiful way possible. And when he left me, I finally understood why storms are named after people.

He loved me... and then broke me.

"Ugh!" I said as I ordered to sets of food. One to be delivered in my unit, and one for Saint. I hated my conscience!

A few minutes later, the food arrived. I just told the receptionist at the lobby to send the delivery guy upstairs since I was too tired to go down... and also, iniiwasan ko na makita si Saint. The building was too small for the both of us.

"Thank you, Kuya," I said to the delivery guy and tipped him handsomely. "The other one po ay dito sa kaliwang unit."

I immediately closed the door shut. At least hindi na ako makokonsensya kung wala siyang kakainin. I already did my part. I wasn't that evil to let him starve.

Pagkatapos kong kumain, I brushed my teeth and got ready for bed. I was reading Ten Thousand Skies Above You when I fell asleep. It had been a long and tiring day already.

When morning came, I already prepared everything. Sa weekend kasi kami magkikita ulit ni Parker para turuan niya ulit ako. Sana lang hindi na kami awkward dun... Kasi naman siya! Why did he have to do that?! He made us really awkward.

I peeped through the hole just to make sure that he wasn't waiting outside my door. But I couldn't be too sure. After all the lengths he'd gone through, I knew he wouldn't give up just like that.

When I was sure that he wasn't outside, lumabas na ako. At nung isasara ko na iyong pinto, a post-it caught my attention.

Thank you for the food, Mary. Next time, I'll cook for you. I miss you.

-Saint