#JustTheStrings

Kabanata 58

When Saint left, naiwan ako doon. Paulit-ulit na naririnig ko iyong mga sinabi niya. And it was painful. And I shouldn't even feel this way. It was his decision. He made the decision himself. But I knew that it wasn't what he wanted... Not a chance. He shouldn't just let go of his passion that easily. And it was bothering me because even though he wouldn't tell it to me, I played a part. Kung bakit bigla niyang bibitawan ang isang bagay na mahal niya.

This thought bothered me hanggang sa makauwi ako sa bahay. I couldn't function properly. Kahit subukan kong magbasa ng libro o kaya naman ay magpaint, doon at doon pa rin ako bumabagsak. It was a futile attempt to redirect my thoughts. And when night came, my phone vibrated.

From: Parker Palma

Dinner with me?

I sighed. It wasn't like I had better things to do... And besides, a promise is a promise. I told him I'd do anything and I'd cheer for him. Kaya naman nagreply ako sa kanya na magkita kami pero sinabi niya na susunduin niya ako. Pumayag na ako since hindi pa rin naman ako nagda-drive. Maybe this weekend... or magpapaturo na lang ako sa driver namin. Ayoko na kasing abalahin si Parker. He's so busy—maybe busy was an understatement. Nalulula kasi ako palagi sa mga binabasa niya. Parang human rights violation sa dami.

I settled for a yellow knee-length dress. Hindi ko rin naman alam kung saan kami pupunta. Though I hoped that it wasn't anything fancy. This wasn't a date. This was just dinner... between two friends. I hoped it was clear with him.

The receptionist called me when Parker arrived. I told her that I'd come down. Ayoko rin kasi na umakyat pa siya sa unit. Hindi niya nga alam na kapitbahay ko si Saint, e. My parents didn't know. I didn't tell anyone. Hindi naman ako ginugulo ni Saint... contrary to what I initially thought. Akala ko ay guguluhin niya ako at pipilitin na makipagbalikan. But he had been silent. Hindi ko siya madalas makita. O kapag nagkikita kami, we'd just look at each other... and then walk away.

That was probably the hardest part. And I didn't know why I kept on living this way. I could always opt to go home, but I always chose to stay.

"Hi," Parker greeted upon seeing me.

"Why do you look so formal?" I asked him dahil naka-suit and tie pa siya. I felt so dressed down.

"We did a mock trial at class. Hindi pa ako nakakapagpalit, sorry," he apologized. "I have a shirt in the car. Gusto mo bang magpalit ako?"

Natawa ako sa kanya. Why was he getting so worked up? Ako lang naman 'to. "It's fine," I said. "What's for dinner?" I asked as we walked towards the parking lot. I was really hungry. Hindi pa ako nakakakain simula nung nag-usap kami ni Saint. Tss. I shouldn't even be thinking about him.

"So... nanalo ka ba sa mock trial?" I asked him as we were stuck in the middle of the traffic.

He nodded. "Of course," he said, obviously proud of his feat. Nagkwento siya kung tungkol saan iyong case na inilaban niya and I listened with enthusiasm. It was such a joy to see him doing something that he enjoys. Buong panahon na kakilala ko si Parker, lahat ng ginagawa niya ay ginagawa niya lang dahil pinipilit siya. He didn't even enjoy soccer. He just played it because his Uncle used to play it. Tapos pati naudlot na love story ng Tito niya at Mama ko, pinipilit pa siya na ituloy dati. Hindi ko rin siya masisi kung bakit tinutulak niya ako palayo dati... It must have been really frustrating on his part.

But I was happy for him. Masaya na siya sa ginagawa niya. He finally found his happiness.

"Hindi ka ba nalulungkot sa bahay niyo?" I asked.

"Not really," he replied.

"But it's really huge... and you're alone..."

It had been so long pero ayaw na umuwi ni Uncle mula sa States. He said he already wanted to retire. Umuuwi na lang siya sa Pilipinas occasionally to check on the firm, but he didn't want to return here. Too many painful memories daw...

"I'm alone, but I'm not sad, Imo. There's a difference."

Natigilan ako sa sinabi niya.

"I did a lot of growing up this past year. And I'm continuing to broaden my horizon. Kung dati, siguro naisip ko na ang selfish ni Papa para iwanan ako mag-isa dito sa Pilipinas. He lost a wife, but I also lost my mom. Pareho lang naman kaming nawalan... but I realized that everyone has a different way of coping up with the pain. Dad chose to run away. I chose to better myself."

He looked at me and smiled.

"Everybody carries different weight on their back. You shouldn't judge unless you're the one in their shoes. Parang sa law lang. Kahit sa tingin mo mali iyong kliyente mo, titignan mo pa rin mula sa pananaw nila. Because every action has gray areas, hindi lang black and white. There are always exemptions and we should always consider those."

I thought I matured... but hearing him talk about things like this made me realize that amongst us all, it was Parker who changed. He was far from the boy I knew... He had grown. And I was so proud of him. I was sure Auntie would be proud, too.

Habang kumakain kami ni Parker, we talked about all kinds of things. Mostly, I listened to him talk about philosophy and law. It was a treat to hear him argue about things. Ang cute lang tignan. Dati kasi wala namang pakielam si Parker sa mga ganitong bagay, e. He had always been the sulky one. Iyong nakakunot palagi ang noo at kapag tinanong mo kung ano ang problema, magagalit pa sa 'yo. Ikaw na 'yung concerned, siya pa 'yung galit.

After we were done with dinner, we decided to walk around first. The night was beautiful. The wind was cold against my skin. I should've brought a cardigan with me.

"Ah... thank you," I said when Parker gave me his coat. He just smiled at me and put it on my shoulder. Patuloy lang kaming naglalakad. Hindi ko nga alam kung saan kami papunta, e.

Pero napatigil ako.

I looked at him. What was I feeling? My mind couldn't comprehend anything anymore. What I was thinking was different from what I was doing. I was contradicting my own self.

"Have you talked to him?" Parker said after seconds of silence. I didn't know how to respond. Sasabihin ko ba na katabi ko lang ng unit si Saint? That I had been living for the past days trying to think of ways to avoid Saint? That every thought—both good and bad—had been about him?

"Yes," I replied. I didn't want to lie to him. "But it's still over."

I didn't know what changed. One minute, he was saying he'd take me back... tapos ngayon, may kasama na naman siyang ibang babae. Siguro nga tapos na sa akin si Saint. Hindi ko rin naman ineexpect na magtatagal siya. I didn't expect that he'd hold on longer... kasi ako nga, nabitiwan ko siya agad. Umalis agad ako.

"Is it really?" Napatingin ako sa kanya. "For you, Imo... is it really over?"

My lips parted at his question. Of all people, never did I think that it was Parker who would ask me this question. Akala ko kasi iniiwasan namin. Kaya tuwing magkasama kami, hindi ko binabanggit si Saint sa kanya.

Ilang segundo iyong lumipas. Ang layo na ng nakalad namin. Hindi pa rin ako nakakasagot.

"How do you know you already moved on?" I asked him. "When did you realize you don't have feelings for Cindy anymore?"

Bigla siyang tumigil sa paglalakad.

"I don't know..." he trailed off. "Just one day, I woke up and she's not the center of my world anymore. She doesn't occupy my mind. She doesn't make my heart beat fast when I think about her anymore. Her smiles are no longer my priority. Her happiness isn't my concern." And then he looked at me. "It's you, Imo. You're the center of my world. You occupy my mind. You make my heart beat fast whenever I think about you. Your smile is my priority. Your happiness matters the most to me."

He smiled.

"Does that answer your question?" he asked.

Hindi pa rin ako naka-sagot.

"You'll know when you're over someone, Imo... You'll just know. Words won't suffice, but your feelings will tell."

I smiled at him.

"If one day I get over him, you'll be the first one to hear."

And he smiled back.

The night didn't end quickly—kahit na ilang beses ko pinilit si Parker na umuwi na. Apparently, mayroon pala siyang recitation bukas at hindi pa siya tapos magbasa ng libro. Sobrang kulit! And I wanted to go home, too. I was bothered that Saint was with someone. Alam ko naman na hindi dapat ako bothered. If there's something I should feel, it should be indifference... or maybe happiness, too, dahil masaya na ulit siya.

"Pwede naman tayong magkita ulit kapag hindi ka na busy," pangungulit ko.

"I'm always busy," he said. I sighed. "And stop worrying about my subjects," sabi niya at saka tinuro iyong gitna ng noo ko.

"Psh. How will you become a lawyer kapag ganito na tamad kang mag-aral?"

Natawa naman siya bigla. We were in a park. Bumili kami ng ice cream kanina at saka hati naming kinakain. Dapat siguro bumili rin kami ng cones... Parang ang lungkot kainin ng ice cream kapag walang cones...

"I'm not lazy, Imo, I just don't want to lose you while I'm chasing another dream. You're my original dream. I'm trying my best to have both."

Napailing na lang ako sa kanya. He's relentless, I'd give him that. We stayed out until 11pm. He just dropped me off in front of the condo. Ayoko na paakyatin pa siya dahil baka hindi na talaga mag-aral iyong isang 'yun.

Pagdating ko sa harap ng unit ko, nakatingin ako sa pintuan ng unit ni Saint. Nakauwi na ba siya? O baka naman kasama niya pa rin iyong babae kanina? Was he out on a date? Ang dami kong naiisip! Pumasok na lang ako at saka nahiga. I tried to sleep—I really did—pero hindi ko magawa. I just kept on tossing and turning. I tried to contact Kath and Liza kasi baka may gising pa sa kanila. I sent a text pero wala namang nagreply.

Bandang alas-tres ng umaga, I felt hungry again. Wala ng bukas na delivery ng ganitong oras. Tinatamad akong lumabas. I was craving for carbonara... Naghanap ako ng recipe online and was ecstatic nung malaman ko na complete ang ingredients. I prepared everything. I chopped the onion and garlic and began to boil water for the pasta. I followed everything religiously.

I opened the fire to cook the sauce and then poured the oil nung bigla kong marinig iyong facetime alert. I jogged towards my room and saw Kath's facetime request.

"Hi!" I said as I answered. "Gising ka pa?"

"Obvs," she replied. "What's up?"

Bumuntong hininga ako at saka nagsimulang magkwento. I told her everything that happened during the past days. Ewan ko pero mas madaling magkwento kapag madaling araw... I was in the middle of my tale when I felt water dripping from above. Biglang nanlaki iyong mata ko. Gosh!

"Imo!" Kath shouted from the screen, but I was so fast to run. Naabutan ko iyong pan ko. It burned! Puno ng usok iyong kusina ko at basang-basa ang lahat! All of my things were soaked. Iyong mga libro ko... My gosh. The water sprinkler ruined everything!

--

Nakaupo ako sa sahig. I was devastated. I should've listened to my mom... She said that I'd end up burning the unit down, and tonight was a close call. Bakit ko ba nalimutan na may niluluto ako?

Nasa unit ko na iyong management dahil na-trigger iyong alarm dahil sa maliit na sunog na ginawa ko. I told them not to tell my parents about this. Sigurado kasi ako na papauwiin lang nila ako kapag nalaman nila ang nangyari. I was just beginning to enjoy my freedom kaya ayokong umuwi.

"Two weeks?" I asked, my lips parted.

"Yes, Ma'am. We have to clean everything and you burned the wall, so..."

Napa-ngiwi ako nung makita ko na sunog iyong dingding sa kusina. Dalawang linggo na aayusin nila iyong unit ko. Saan naman ako titira ng two weeks? At saka nandito lahat ng gamit ko!

I squatted down outside as they began to assess more. Basang-basa iyong sahig ng unit ko. I didn't know the sprinkler was that good na tipong basa lahat. Kahit nga ako ay mukhang basang sisiw ngayon.

"What happened?"

Napa-angat ako ng tingin. Saint was looking down on me. I awkwardly smiled. "Fire."

Worry crossed his face. "What? Are you okay?"

I nodded. "I'm fine... my things were soaked, but I'm fine."

Tinignan ni Saint iyong loob ng unit ko. The door was opened kaya kitang-kita na basa lahat ng gamit ko. I wanted to cry nung nakita ko na basa iyong mga libro ko. I felt like I lost my babies... they were drenched! But I still couldn't give up on them!

"Ma'am," biglang sabi nung lalaki. "May nasira din po pala na wirings kaya baka mga 3 weeks na iyong estimate namin."

Nanlaki iyong mata ko. "3 weeks po? Grabe naman!"

Pinaliwanag sa akin ni Kuya iyong nangyaring damages sa unit ko. Mas lalo lang akong nanlumo...

"Sige po, Ma'am, start na po kami bukas. Hanap na po muna kayo ng matitirhan," sabi ni Kuya. I thanked him and then sighed. What now? I was debating on who to call—except for home. I really didn't want my parents on my back. Sigurado ako na sesermunan lang ako nila Mama. I was thinking on Kath pero awkward pa rin kasi ako kay Tita Min... Masama kasi talaga iyong loob niya kay Kuya. Tapos kay Liza naman, hindi ko ma-consider masyado... Tapos kung kay Kuya naman, base sa mga kwento niya, baka batuhin din ako ni Mars ng kaldero... Maghotel na lang kaya ako?

"Hey."

Napatigil ako sa pag-iisip nung marinig ko ang boses ni Saint. Nandito pa pala siya?

"If you want..." he trailed off. His hand was on his nape. He looked unsure. "Stay with me while your unit's being fixed."

Nanlaki iyong mga mata ko.

"I have two rooms. You can use the other," agad na sabi niya. "We can install double locks, if you want."

"N-no, that's not what I meant," I said. He must've misread my reaction. "Hindi ba magagalit iyong girlfriend mo?"

Kumunot ang noo niya.

"Girlfriend?"

I nodded. "I saw you earlier... you were with someone..." He was smiling, too. Something he rarely did these days.

"Ah... that was Marisse." The girl has a name pala.

"She's pretty."

"She is," he said.

"Ah... good for you."

Tumayo na ako. I'd rather sleep in my wet bed and risk hypothermia than stay with him gayong alam ko na may girlfriend siya. Ayokong manira ng relasyon. Pumasok na ako para hanapin iyong wallet ko. I'd stay in a hotel for the night. I was tired.

"I tried to forget you, Mary. I tried and I'm still trying... but you made it so hard to move on from you."