#JustTheStrings

Kabanata 59 

I blinked once. Or twice. Or maybe a couple of times. I couldn't understand what he was proposing... and what he was trying to say. Ilang segundo akong nakatayo lang sa harap niya—unable to come up with anything to say.

"I can't," I told him. "I'm sorry," I said. At that moment, I felt like it was all I had to offer. I didn't know the right words to say. I didn't want to cause him any more pain. But he was looking at me and it made it harder. His face devoid of any emotion I could consider positive. He looked torn. And sad. And hurt.

"I can't live with you... It's wrong."

His offer was tempting, but I had to say no. It didn't feel good to be living in the same unit as him. He's a guy. And he's my ex. At kahit pa siguro kami pa rin, I would not accept his offer. My family was very religious and so was I. If I did it, it would contradict everything I was taught and everything I believed in.

"I'm just extending help," he said.

"And I appreciate it. But no," I replied.

He looked at me. "Why?"

Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya na hindi ko kayang tumira sa isang lugar kasama siya. Even the thought itself was driving me crazy... He occupied my mind. I wouldn't let him occupy my sight. Alam ko na hindi ko kakayanin na makita siya araw-araw. It would drive me mad.

"I'm always at work. You won't even see me," he continued.

"It's not that..."

"Then what is it?" he asked. "Aren't I trust-worthy, Mary?"

Napatingin ako sa kanya. "That's not what I meant, Saint!"

Umangat iyong sulok ng labi niya. "Then what do you mean, Mary? Please tell me. I don't want to make the mistake of assuming things again..."

My heart broke. We were back at that night again. The night when he broke my heart... and the night I broke his. We were both broken. We were both victims of the situation. Maybe we were just fragile... maybe our love was that fragile. That a little misunderstanding like that managed to break us.

Maybe everything that happened was for the both of us. We still needed a lot of growing up. We had been too complacent with each other. We were at fault.

"I'm sorry..." I whispered.

"I'm getting really tired hearing i'm sorry," he said with a small smile. "But it's okay. I know it's my fault. I should've believed you more."

Mas lalong hindi ako naka-sagot. I got stuck in front of him, unable to think of what to do next.

"It's all in the past," I told him. "We should move on."

Natawa siya. "Move on? I hate that phrase. Why do people keep on telling me to move on? As if they know exactly how I am feeling... As if they have an idea of what I am feeling. I will move on when I want to, when I am ready."

"Aren't you ready?"

He looked at me. And shook his head.

"How will I be ready, Mary? I already planned my future ahead. And in all versions of my future, there's you included," he said and smiled a little. "We weren't supposed to end... We were supposed to endure. I hate myself for doubting you so easily. It made me question everything I believe in. Because if I really love you, those pictures will mean nothing... but that's not what happened. Seeing those pictures? It blurred the logical side in me.

"I had always hated the fact that there always be a Parker in your life... I hated it then and I still hate it now..."

Tinignan ko siya nang mabuti.

"Parker will always be in my life, Saint. If you can't accept it, just... stop."

I realized that there would always be a string that would connect me to Parker. I tried to sever it, but it only ended up hurting us both. It made me realize that no matter what happens, he would always be there. He's my constant.

"Then I'd rather have this ugly feeling eating me up inside every time I see Parker with you, than to lose you."

I sighed. Pumasok na ako sa loob para kuhanin iyong mga kakailanganin kong gamit. I really just wanted to sleep... I was so tired. Bukas ko na iisipin iyong mga ibang bagay. My only concern at the moment was rest.

Paglabas ko, nagulat ako dahil naabutan ko si Saint. I was expecting that he left already. Akala ko nagka-intindihan na kami.

"Why are you still here?" I asked. "I can't stay with you, Saint... Please understand. Not only because it's awkward—"

"Why is it awkward? Do you still have feelings for me?"

Why was he so relentless?

"No," I replied.

"Mary, the 8th commandment. Thou shall not lie."

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. How dare he use Lord's words against me!

"I am not lying!"

"Really? You swear on God's name?"

"Saint!" I hissed. "Can we not talk about God?"

"Why? Because you're lying about your feelings?"

He's so unpredictable! Kanina lang, sobrang seryoso niya. Tapos naman ngayon, kinukulit niya na naman ako! I couldn't really keep up with him!

"My feelings, my business," I told him.

"So you still have feelings for me?" he asked. I sighed. "I'll take that sigh as a yes."

I eyed him. "You're hopeless." I began to walk, but I could feel him trailing me. Sobrang kulit! Hindi ko siya pinansin hanggang sa makasakay ako ng elevator. He was there with me, too. Hanggang makababa ako sa ground floor, sinusundan pa rin niya ako. "What?" I asked him.

"It's already 2 in the morning."

"Safe naman ang Uber," I answered.

"I know. But knowing you, baka sa ibang sasakyan ka sumakay."

I glared at him. Why was he reminding me of the past? Umiiyak ako nun! My eyes were blurry kaya hindi ko alam na sa ibang sasakyan pala ako sumakay! "Then I'll send you a picture of the driver para matahimik ang kaluluwa mo."

"What will the picture do to me kung mapapahamak ka? Will it bring back your life, if the driver happened to be a murderer?"

"Why are you arguing with me? It's 2 in the morning!"

"Exactly my point. It's dangerous."

I stared at him. He didn't look like he'd give up. And I was tired. Really, really tired.

"What do you want me to do?"

"I'll bring you to wherever you plan to go."

"Tapos? You'll ride a cab back here? E 'di nagsayang ka lang ng pagod."

"That's my problem," he answered.

Bumuntong-hininga ako. Dati, sobrang landi ni Saint kapag madaling-araw. Ngayon naman, sobrang kulit niya! And I knew that as the night progresses, he'd only get worse. Mas lalo niya lang akong guguluhin. There was no stopping him once he sets his mind to it.

I fished for the key fob in my bag and handed it over. "Use my car. I don't know how to drive... might as well put it to use."

Akala ko ay kokontrahin niya pa ako. It seemed like he developed the liking to contradicting everything that I said. But instead of saying anything, he just reached for the key fob and walked beside me. Nung makarating kami sa basement, nakita agad namin iyong sasakyan. Binuksan niya iyon at sumakay ako sa passenger seat.

"Where to?" Saint asked as he buckled up.

"Nearest hotel..." I answered and then yawned. Inaantok na talaga ako. I tried to fight the feeling but I was really close to falling asleep... Sobrang daming nangyari ngayong araw. It finally took toll on my body. But as hard as I tried to fight it, sleep won me over...

--

My body felt sore. I tried to stretch pero biglang tumama iyong kamay ko sa bubong? I opened my eyes widely and realized that I was in a car. And Saint was sleeping beside me! Mas lalong nanlaki iyong mga mata ko. Why—did I spend the night with him?! I was panicking inside when his phone rang. Akala ko ay ididilat niya na ang mga mata niya pero hinanap lang ng kamay niya kung saan nanggagaling iyong tunog.

But an ugly feeling ate me up when I saw the name.

Marisse Du Pónt

calling...

"Saint Iverson speaking," he said, his voice husky. And he was talking to that Marisse again. Magkasama na nga sila kagabi, tapos kakausapin niya ulit first thing in the morning? "Bonjour, Marisse. Que puis-je faire pour vous?"

At si Saint pa talaga ang nagtatanong kung ano ang pwede niyang gawin. Hindi ba talaga niya girlfriend? O baka naman best friend niya na naman? Bakit ba ang gaganda ng mga best friend ni Saint? Even Dani was a looker!

"Maintenant? Je suis très occupé," he said and then looked at me. Ginawa pa akong dahilan sa pagiging busy niya. Tumingin siya sa akin at bahagyang natawa. "Oui, c'est exactement comme ça."

Hindi ko gusto na simulan iyong araw ko na nakikipag-usap siya sa Marisse na iyon kaya lumabas ako ng sasakyan. Nasa isang park pala kami. Why didn't he just wake me up? Nahirapan pa tuloy siyang matulog sa sasakyan. My own body ached. Hindi ako sanay na matulog ng nakaupo.

I was in the middle of stretching when Saint got out of the car.

"Breakfast?" he asked.

"I'll be fine on my own. Baka hinahanap ka na ni Marisse."

"You sound like a jealous girlfriend, Mary."

I forced myself not to roll my eyes at him. I kept mum and just resumed to stretching. Akala ko ay iiwan niya na ako pero nandun pa rin siya. I could feel his eyes on me—watching my every move.

"And for the record, she's not my girlfriend."

"Sure," I replied.

"I don't like blondes. I prefer holy girls with holy names."

Patience, Imo. Patience.

"Don't you have work?" I asked him.

"It's my day off."

"Talaga?"

He nodded.

"Then you have time to play basketball?" I asked. Today was the day! Kung wala naman pala siyang trabaho, then may oras siya para maglaro.

"Why do you insist that I play?" he asked.

"Because you love basketball. You shouldn't just give up on it," I replied with a small smile on my face.

He looked at me. I tried to look away, but his eyes were magnetic. It was pulling me close.

"Then stop asking me to give up on you."

--

Our breakfast was rather... pleasant. I would admit that it was a pleasant experience. We ate pancakes and Saint gave me his bacons kahit na gusto niya iyon. But I didn't want to be too comfortable. I still knew our place. I still knew that this was just a pretense. That reality was far from what we were making it to be.

"Why don't you drive?" he asked. We just finished our breakfast and I was feeling as full as ever. Ako kasi halos ang umubos ng pagkain ni Saint. Inilagay niya kasi lahat sa plato ko.

"I'm learning," I replied.

"You can learn how to drive in an hour," he said.

"Talaga?"

He nodded. "It's automatic, Mary. It's no more than playing a toy car. Do you want me to teach you?"

I shook my head. I promised Parker that he'd be the one to teach me. I didn't want to break my promise. I was thankful that Saint didn't prod anymore. I didn't want to explain it to him. Alam ko kasi na masasaktan siya kapag sinabi ko... Kasi kahit naman gaano ko sabihin sa kanya iyong kung ano kami, hindi niya naman ako pinapakinggan.

"Thank you," I said. He didn't want to hear another apology from me.

"For what?"

"For being civil. Sabi kasi nila, exes can never be friends. Masyado raw maraming memories. Masyadong maraming emotional attachments. Masyadong maraming feelings. Pero pwede naman pala," I said.

He looked at me. "Mary..." he said.

I looked at him. Though I didn't want to. His eyes did something to me... I couldn't explain it, but it was doing things I didn't want to feel.

"We're not friends. I refuse to be just friends."

The beats of my heart started to race. This feeling was uncalled for. I shouldn't be feeling anything for him at all. I didn't even want to hate him... He hurt me, yes, but if I feel hatred towards him, I knew that I would just find a way to transform that into a positive feeling... Na sa iisang katapusan lang din ako babagsak. I wanted to be indifferent. Because the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.

"I told you before... you're either the girl who makes me or the girl who breaks me."

"But I can't make you again, Saint."

"Then break me, I don't care. I don't want to be friends with you, Mary. I hate the idea of being just friends with the person I love. That's torture. Don't be cruel."

My lips parted. Akala ko okay na siya... He acted so strong in front of me... I didn't think he was feeling pain... I thought he hated me...

"I'm sorry."

The side of his lips lifted.

"Don't be. As much as I hate what's happening now, you're still the best thing that ever happened to me."