#JustTheStrings

Kabanata 60

Although my head was pounding real hard, I tried my best to go to class. I promised myself that if I could help it, I wouldn't skip classes anymore. Ayoko na maulit iyong nangyari dati. I ended up sacrificing my studies... I didn't want a rerun of it. Kaya naman kahit na sobrang sakit ng ulo ko, pinilit ko na pumasok pa rin. Pagbaba ko, hindi ko alam pero hinanap ng mga mata ko si Saint... Maybe I was just worried. Akala ko nandito pa siya. Nakonsensya ako dahil tinulungan niya ako na pumunta dito tapos nung okay na, sinabi ko na umalis na siya.

When I arrived at the school, dumaan muna ako sa Café Domique para bumili ng kape. I didn't prefer drinking coffee, but my head was aching so bad. I needed caffeine in my system, or else baka bigla na lang akong makatulog. I was actually relieved that Parker wasn't there... I didn't know but I always felt guilty kapag kasama ko si Saint. Kahit na sinabi ko na naman kay Parker na friends lang, sinabi niya na hihintayin niya ako. Hindi ko tuloy maiwasan na ma-guilty.

Sabagay... matters of the heart can't be forced. Just because I told him to stop, hindi naman ibig sabihin nun na kusa siyang hihinto. But I was hoping... that he'd get the hint.

The professor was already preparing when I arrived. Mabuti na lang. Ayoko rin naman na may idle time dahil wala ako sa mood na kausapin sila Ria. I appreciate the new environment... but I didn't appreciate the lack of privacy and the constant prodding. My new classmates were too pushy and they didn't respect the fact na wala na kami ni Saint. They made me miss my old degree dahil ang mga tao roon, hindi pinapakailaman ang buhay ko.

Lahat ng professors ay on time dumating at lahat sila ay maraming pinapagawa. Nawalan ng pagkakataon sila Ria na guluhin ako. And I was thankful. I knew I couldn't humor them today. My head was pounding so bad and I was still thinking about my unit. Came break time, nagmamadali ako na umalis dahil sinabi ko kay Jovi na magduduty ako ngayon.

"Mary!" sigaw ni Ria. Gosh. Hindi ba siya napagod sa lahat ng pinagawa sa amin ng prof? Why was she so hyper?

"Hmm?" I replied.

"Ang galing mo!" she gushed. May tatlong classmates din kami na nasa harap ko. What was happening?

"Ha?" But instead of answering my question, hinawakan nila iyong dalawa kong braso at hinatak ako. "Ria, may duty ako sa café," I said while they were dragging me.

"Ako na bahala," she said. "You need to see the fruit of your success!" sabi niya.

It was useless to fight against them. Apat sila, isa lang ako. And my head wasn't cooperating. Pakiramdam ko ay pinupukpok ng pako ang ulo ko sa sobrang sakit. I just wanted to collapse and let them drag me to wherever they wanted to bring me, but my eyes automatically widened when I realized that they were brining me to the gym.

"Why are we here?" kinakabahan kong tanong.

Before answering my question, Ria squealed. "You did it, Mary! Naglalaro na ulit si Saint! Isa ka talagang alamat!" sabi niya at saka kinurot na naman ako sa bewang.

"T-talaga?"

He's playing again. Hindi ko mapigilang mapa-ngiti. I was really happy. Sobrang naging malungkot ako nung sinabi niya sa akin na hindi na siya maglalaro. Naiintindihan ko naman na gusto niyang maging seryoso at magfocus sa ibang bagay... but I wished it wasn't at the expense of basketball. Because he's really good. Hindi naman siya pupunta sa iba't-ibang bansa para sa trainings kung hindi talaga siya magaling. At naka-pasok siya sa Gilas! That meant he's really cut above the rest.

Upon knowing that, kusa na akong naglakad hanggang sa makarating kami sa loob. May laban nga ang team namin and there he was...

"Another flawless shot from GDL # 9!" the announcer said and I could hear cheers from the crowd. I bit my lip as a smile spread on my face. Gosh. Why was I tearing up? I had seen him playing hundred of times... but I guess today was different. I was glad that he didn't give up.

Tahimik akong nanonood sa laro habang maingay na nagchi-cheer iyong mga katabi ko. Medyo maraming tao dahil sa mga estudyante galing St. Andrew's kaya hindi ako kinakabahan na makita ako ni Saint. Not that I was hiding from him... but ewan ko. When it came to Saint, I was really complicated. I couldn't exactly tell what I was feeling.

"Natapos na ang sumpa! May panalo na ulit tayo!" the girls beside me cheered. "Thanks, Mary!"

Awkward akong napa-ngiti. "Wala naman akong ginawa."

"Ikaw kaya ang inspiration ni Saint. Sobrang down kaya niyan last sem dahil nasa abroad ka. Alam mo 'yun? Simula nung nag-aral ako rito sa SCA, palagi kong sinusubaybayan ang GDL. Si Saint iyong pinaka-masayahin sa mga magkakapatid, pero nung nawala ka? Aba! Ni hindi man lang maka-ngiti ang kuya mo!" sabi niya. I bit my lip. Sobra kaming nasaktan dalawa. "Mabuti na rin at grumaduate na iyong sawa na si Dani."

Napa-hinto ako.

"Ano'ng nangyari sa kanya?" I had to ask. I wanted to know what happened to her after she successfully pried me away from Saint. Akala ko kasi ay magiging sila na... kasi best friend siya. Aminin ko man at hindi, mas marami siyang alam kay Saint. Hindi ko siya malalamangan doon.

Ria rolled her eyes. "Nako! May kumalat kasi na chika na break na kayo tapos si Ateng Dani mo, feel na feel! Halata naman kasi na may feelings kay Saint iyon—'di lang pansin ni Saint or baka hindi lang pinapansin. Tapos ayun. May event sa school at kaka-announce lang na hindi si Saint ang magiging captain dahil sobrang lala ng performance niya. Nagalit si Dani sa kanya at nagsermon si Ate girl. Napikon si Saint. Sinabihan siya na," sabi ni Ria at saka nag-ehem pa. "'You're not my girlfriend, Dani. Stop acting like you are,' sabi ni Saint. E 'di natameme si bes. Tapos nagreply naman siya ng, 'She's gone, Saint! Just give it up already!' Ay, beh, mas lalong na-trigger si Saint sa sinabi ni Dani! Pero hindi siya nagsalita. E 'di si bes Dani, nagsimulang magsalita at siniraan ka, beh! Sinabi na malandi ka at nagkwento tungkol sa inyo ni Parker in public. Ay! Nako! Sinasabi ko sa 'yo, galit na galit si Saint!" sabi ni Ria. She's so animated habang nagku-kwento. "And ending? Ayun. FO."

Napaawang iyong labi ko sa mga narinig ko. God. I didn't know that that was what happened...

"Kaya Ate girl, kung totoo man 'yang paulit-ulit na sinasabi mo na break na kayo ni Saint, balikan mo na, please? Or at least i-consider mo naman. Ang daming na-link dyan sa Santo na 'yan, kung 'di mo lang alam! Pero lahat kaming fangirls ng GDL, ikaw lang ang gusto para sa Saint namin. Kasi alam mo? You bring out the best in him. English 'yun kaya ma-touch ka sana."

I couldn't understand what Ria said. My eyes were focused on Saint. I could feel my eyes watering.

"Sige, iwan ka na namin. Heart to heart na kayo, ha? Sabihin ko na lang kay Jovi na binabawi mo ang jowa mo kaya 'di ka muna makakapagtrabaho," Ria said.

We really had been through too much...

I watched him as he was being hugged by his teammates. Para akong tanga dahil naiiyak ako. Wala namang nakaka-iyak... Pinanood ko hanggang sa kinakausap na siya ng coach nila. He was just nodding, but I hoped it meant that he's returning to basketball. Gusto ko sanang lapitan siya pero biglang nandun ulit iyong Marisse. My heart clenched a little. Marisse was trying to do the dab and Saint was smiling and demonstrating the dab, too. That was ours. Amin iyong dab, e.

But I didn't want to color whatever it was that I was seeing. Tumayo na lang ako at nagsimulang maglakad palabas. I'd talk to Saint, just not this time. I kept on walking hanggang sa makarating ako sa labas. I just sat there and closed my eyes for a while. I needed to digest everything. I needed to understand everything they said... I needed to know if anything would change dahil sa nalaman ko.

Parker

calling...

I stared at my phone. Si Parker. I didn't know what I'd do with him. I didn't know what I'd say to him. Tinitigan ko iyong cellphone hanggang kusang mamatay iyong tawag niya. Pagkatapos nun, agad kong tinawagan sina Kath. I needed my friends badly.

--

"Are you alright?" Kath said. "You sounded different kaya nagmadali kami ni Liza."

I smiled. "I'm okay. Thank you sa pagpunta. Baka napagalitan kayo..." I said. Galing kasi sila sa practicum nila.

"Duh. Kami naman may-ari ng business kaya sino ang magagalit?" sabi ni Kath. Kapag BA kasi, ang practicum ay magtatayo ng sariling business and at the end of the run, bibigyan kami ng grade base sa performance ng business namin. I was already planning kung ano sana ang business ko. Hindi naman natuloy. But no regrets, still. I didn't want those what ifs lingering on my mind.

Liza was just silent. I felt guilty. I had been too rough on her. Nagsorry na ako sa kanya, but I guess sorry doesn't fix everything. Nasabi ko na iyong mga masasakit na salita kaya alam ko na hindi ko na mababawi iyon... I just needed to show her that our friendship was still worth a try.

"So, where to?" Kath asked.

We went to the grocery and bought food. Hindi ko alam kung saan kami pupunta, but I felt like we needed a getaway, the 3 of us. After naming mamili, Liza drove us to Antipolo. Ginamit namin iyong sasakyan ni Kuya Jackson. Nagpalit yata sila ni Liza, hindi ko alam. I didn't ask because I was guilty.

We knew a place there wherein we could see the city lights. It's very pretty at night. Binaba namin iyong sa likod ng pick-up ni Kuya Jackson tapos doon kami naupo. We were looking over the city. Malakas iyong hanging. Parang walang problema.

"So?" Kath asked. "Why are we here?"

Bumuntong hininga ako. "I need to talk."

"Finally!" Kath said, exasperatedly. "Ang tagal naming hinintay na magsalita ka!" Napatingin ako sa kanya. She reached for the paperbag of groceries tapos inabot sa akin iyong mogu-mogu habang sa kanila ni Liza, beer. I made a face. "Why? Baby ka pa!"

"Magkaka-age lang kaya tayo. And besides, I tried beer na when I was in Germany." Inirapan lang ako ni Kath tapos inabutan ng beer. I opened the can and sipped pero hindi ko gusto iyong lasa. I discreetly put it back at saka inabot ang mogu-mogu.

For minutes, we sat in comfortable silence. They were quietly sipping their beers, while I enjoyed my mogu-mogu.

"Let's play the honesty game," I said. "The only rule of this game is that we'll be honest with everything. Kath, talk about what happened with Kuya. Liza, talk about what happened with Kuya Jackson. And I'll talk about what happened."

"With Saint or Parker?" Kath countered.

"Both," I replied. Kahit naman sa ayaw ko o sa gusto, they were both involved. And I needed to stop dahil kapag pinagpatuloy lang namin ang mga nangyayari, mas lalo lang lalala. And I didn't want to hurt anyone. I wanted to end it before the point of no return.

Liza sighed and then she began to talk. I listened quietly as she began to tell us everything that happened... how it began... and how she felt. As I was listening, I realized that I had been really unfair to Liza. I didn't even listen to what she had to say before. I was blinded by my judgment. I had been too self-righteous that I forgot that when feelings intercept, logic vanishes.

"I didn't want to do it. I know he had a girlfriend and kilala ko si Ate Jas. And I didn't want to be labeled as a relationship-wrecker... but hindi ko alam... He's always there and he makes me happy. We had so many things in common. We both enjoy silence, eating, doing the same things, we share the same insights... You know that? We just get each other... And I know it's not reason enough, so I tried to distance myself from him. I tried to busy myself. But the longer I tried to deny it, the more it is that I missed him..." she trailed. "And then one day, he said he broke up with Ate Jas. Only then did I realize the depth of what I did. I just destroyed them. Nakonsensya ako. Mas lalo kong nilayuan si Jackson... but in the end, I got tired running from him. I gave up and let my heart win."

The wind brushed against our skin. Hindi ako makapagsalita. Among us, I was the one who judged the most. I knew I didn't deserve to comment.

"Kinausap mo na ba si Ate Jas?" Kath asked.

Liza nodded. "She was mad at me and I accepted it. But kahit ganoon, sinabi niya na she wants Jackson to be happy. She told me to make him happy. But I waited for months before I did anything. I didn't believe in 3 months rule, but I made an exception."

"Pero ngayon, kayo na?"

Slowly, Liza nodded. "Galit ba kayo?" she asked.

"Baliw! Bakit naman kami magagalit? Siyempre, you're our friend. Magalit man kami, it's for your best interest. But at the end of the day, we want you to be happy," Kath said. She leaned her head on Liza's shoulder. "I'm happy for you and Kuya Jackson. Kahit matakaw 'yun, pinaka-mabait naman 'yun sa 3 idiots."

"I thought si Kuya Benj ang pinaka-nice?" Liza asked. "Di ba he's always with you?"

Agad na naagaw ang atensyon ko nung sinabi ni Liza. "Si Kuya Benj? And ikaw?" Gosh. Ang tagal ko pala talagang nawala! Ang daming nangyari.

Nanlaki ang mata ni Kath. "Hindi, ah! Wala kaming something ng Benjamin Daniel Araújo na 'yun!"

Natawa kami ni Liza. "Kailangan complete name?" we both asked and she nodded too fervently—nagmuka tuloy siyang in-denial. "Paano kayo naging close ni Kuya Benj?" I asked. Dati kasi, kulang na lang itapon niya si Kuya Benj dahil palagi siyang kinu-kontra pagdating sa crushlife niya kay Psalm.

She sipped her beer and then hugged her legs. "Kasi 'di ba, Mary, gago ang Kuya mo? No offense," she said and I laughed. "Nagsimula kasi when Preston bugged the hell out of me. I know naman na joke-joke lang 'yung ligaw niya sa akin. Kasi alam mo 'yun? Si Preston 'yun, e. Wala namang siniseryoso iyon sa buhay. But alam mo naman ako, mahina sa gwapo... And your Kuya is freaking good looking kahit gago siya. So ayun, nagkaroon ako ng feelings for him kahit labag sa loob ko."

Gusto kong matawa kay Kath. Parang antithesis lahat ng sinasabi niya kay Kuya. Pupurihin niya tapos lalaitin niya naman.

"We went out a couple of times. He made me cry a couple of times. He made me smile a couple of times. Then one night, I asked him to stop. Alam ko kasi kung saan na papunta iyong feelings ko... and as early as I could, I wanted to stop. Hanggang pwede ko pang ma-save ang sarili ko. But he said that he's serious. It still gives me the creeps kapag maaalala ko kung gaano siya ka-seryoso nung gabi na 'yun. He said na nung una, gusto niya lang akong bwisitin kasi ang bilis ko raw mapikon. But later, he learned to like me... Ang gago, 'di ba? Inamin niya na pinaglaruan niya lang ako. But ayun nga, ewan ko. I told him to start being serious. And the first proof that he's serious was that I'd formally introduce him to my mom."

I grimaced. I knew what happened that night.

"Ayun... as we were dining, this girl approached us. She was saying na nabuntis siya ni Preston and she was making a scene. Some of my mom's friends were at the restaurant, too, so she felt really humiliated."

I sighed. "I'm sorry..."

She smiled. "No, it's not your fault naman. And as for my mom, I'm saying sorry in her behalf. Makaka-move on din 'yun," she said.

"Are you okay now?" I asked. I felt partly responsible for what my brother did to her. Ilang beses ko na sinabi kay Kuya dati na kung hindi siya magseseryoso, 'wag niya na subukan.

She nodded. "It was painful, but I was thankful that we managed to stop before I really fell for him. Silver lining na rin siguro."

"And Kuya Benj," I added.

"Wala kasi!" she said. Liza poked her. "Friends lang kami! I mean, he's really nice to me, but kaibigan ni Preston 'yun, e. Malay ko ba kung may nabuntis din somewhere si Benj?"

"Wala 'yun!" pagtatanggol ko kay Kuya Benj. It was his chance. Alam ko na matagal ng may feelings si Kuya para kay Kath. "Give him a shot. He's worth trying naman..."

Kath shrugged. "We'll see... Minsan, gusto ko ng love life kasi feel ko na kiligin. Pero mas madalas, who has time for that shit? Ang dami ko kayang ginagawa."

Napa-ngiti ako. Kath matured so much. I was happy for her. Kahit na nasaktan siya ni Kuya, hindi siya nagpa-apekto roon. She became stronger.

"Ikaw, Mary Imogen Harrison Suarez? Kamusta kayo ni Saint?"

"Wala..." I answered, but they rolled their eyes. "I mean, he kept on saying sorry for what he did. And he's been telling me that he still has feelings for me. "

"And ikaw? Do you still have feelings?"

I sighed. "I don't know... Sometimes, I think I still love him. But most of the times, I am just really afraid. I don't want to get hurt again. The last time was so painful..."

"Love and pain, they always come side by side," Liza said. "But I think love is always worth the risk."

I smiled. "Siguro nga... but I'm still afraid. Paano na ako kapag naulit iyon? Ano na ang mangyayari sa akin? Kaya ko pa ba? Ang daming tanong sa isip ko."

Kath hugged me from the side. "Pero bakit si Parker, kinakausap mo? Bakit si Parker, ang dali mong patawarin? Don't you think it's unfair kay Saint? Kasi si Parker, ilang beses kang sinaktan. Span of years, Imo. Mula childhood mo hanggang lately, walang ginawa si Parker kung hindi saktan ka. Sobrang lala ng ginawa niya. Pinaasa ka, ni-reject, pinaglaruan, lahat na yata. But still, you can forgive him so easily..." she said. "Pero bakit si Saint na isang beses lang nagkamali pero kahit ilang sorry, hindi mo magawang bigyan ng second chance?"

Hindi ako naka-sagot. I didn't have an answer.

"He made a mistake, we get it, but 'di ba palagi mo ngang sinasabi na lahat ng tao, worth a second chance?"

I smiled sadly. "What if I get hurt?"

"E 'di masaktan. It's part of life. Naka-kita ka na ba ng tao na hindi nasasaktan? Wala naman, 'di ba? Because pain is necessary. You get hurt, you move on, you become better. It's a cycle," Kath explained.

Hindi pa rin ako naka-sagot. I stayed silent. "Is it about Parker?" Liza asked. "Is Parker the reason why you can't give Saint another chance?"

My lips parted. Agad kong ininom iyong natitirang mogu-mogu hanggang sa nabulunan ako nung nata.

"Do you have feelings for Parker agai?!" Kath asked.

"No!" I quickly answered. "We're friends."

"But why are you always with him?" Liza asked. "Jackson talks. He says that Parker's seriously hoping that he can have another shot with you..."

I bit my lower lip. "I don't know... I don't have feelings for him—not love, at least."

"But you're leading him on."

"No. I always tell him that we're only friends," I replied.

"And what does he say?"

I sighed. "That he's willing to wait for me. That I'm his dream and he'll continuously chase me."

Mas lalong humigpit iyong yakap ni Kath sa gilid ko. "Wala ka talagang feelings for Parker? Hindi bumalik iyong love mo for him? He's all better now, Imo. So much better than the douche-y version of Parker that you fell in love years ago... Wala talaga?"

Umiling ako. "I'm happy that he's better. I like seeing him achieve things for himself. But that's all. I don't love him... not the way he wants me to."

"Then you should tell him that," Liza said. "Tell him, Imo. Make him understand. Make him understand that there's no chance. Explain to him what you're feeling. Make him see that there's no future for the two of us. Because until you do so, he'll continue hoping..."

How do you tell someone that you can't give them your heart because it's already with someone else?

"And then talk to Saint," Kath interjected. "Give him the second chance he deserves. Stop being unfair, Mary Imogen."