#JustTheStrings

Kabanta 61

Before doing anything, I bought flowers and visited Uncle Parker's grave. I didn't even know why I was here... or maybe I felt like I needed to explain myself. I needed to explain to him why I was doing this. After all, it was his dying wish that got me in this position.

"Hi, Uncle," I said, plopping down on the grass. The day was nice and the wind was cold against my skin. I would've enjoyed this day more, if I didn't have to do whatever it was that needed to be done. "I have a confession..." I sighed. How do you even explain your feelings? Most of the time, I couldn't even make sense of what I was feeling. It had always been bizarre.

"I know you want me and Parker to end up together... and it would've been nice if that happens, right? But sometimes, things don't always go according to plan. I already told you about Cindy, 'di ba? Tapos, I have Saint. Ang gulo lang kasi, Uncle. For Parker and I, the timing is never right. Nung mahal ko siya, may mahal siyang iba. Nung may mahal na akong iba, at saka naman niya ako mahal."

I hugged my knees close to me. "If I can change what I am feeling..." I trailed off. "No, Uncle. I still will choose to feel this way. Because you know? Saint saw my worthy even before anyone did. He loves me even before I learned to love myself. He makes me smile. He makes me happy. He makes my heart burst with so much happiness whenever I'm with him... And when I'm not with him, I just constantly miss him." I smiled. "I thought staying away from him would make me forget him, but I was just kidding myself. Because how do you even forget someone who gave you so much to remember?"

Biglang humangin nang malakas. Siguro nakikinig si Uncle. Sana maintindihan niya ako.

"Like you, Uncle. It had been 23 years, pero naaalala ka pa rin ni Mama. Ganoon din ako kay Saint. Seven months, pero siya pa rin... Kaya naiintindihan mo naman ako, 'di ba?" I smiled and then closed my eyes. "I'm sorry, Uncle... I can't love Parker the way you want me to... Hindi siya ang para sa akin..."

Sabi nila, para daw ako sa kanya... pero paano kung hindi naman siya para sa akin? Paano kung si Saint ang gusto ko? Bawal ba?

I stayed there for a couple of minutes, asking him for forgiveness. Alam ko kasi binigo ko si Uncle. Simula pagkabata, palaging sinasabi sa akin ni Mama na dapat kay Parker lang ako. I tried. I fell for him, but he neglected me. He told me over and over again that there's no us and there never would be. And I believed him.

And when he was busy pushing me away, somebody pulled me in. Parker gave me to Saint. And now, no matter how much he tried to take me back, wala na. I refused to be taken back.

"Goodbye, Uncle. I'm sorry."

Pagkatapos kong bisitahin si Uncle, dumiretso ako sa mall. I still needed time to think. I needed to make Parker listen to me. I needed him to understand me. Kasi kapag hindi, magiging paulit-ulit lang 'to. It would be an endless cycle and we'd both just keep on getting hurt hanggang sa maubos kaming pareho.

Naglakad-lakad lang ako sa mall hanggang sa makarating ako sa bookstore. Napa-ngiti ako nung makita ko iyong mga highlighters. Suddenly, I was reminded of Parker and his highlighters. Ilang segundo ko 'yung tinitigan bago ko napagdesisyunan na bumili. I bought as many highlighters as I could. I also bought papers na gagamitin ko.

When I was done, I called him. He answered after two rings.

"Hey," he said, his voice was happy. "I was about to call you."

I bit my lower lip. "Are you free?"

"Yeah. I'm in a coffee shop, reviewing for an exam."

Exam niya? Paano ko sasabihin kung exam niya? Magiging kasalanan ko kung hindi siya makakapag-aral dahil sa mga sasabihin ko... but would there ever be a proper time to say things that I was about to say? May perfect time ba para doon?

"Ah..." I trailed off. "Kailan matatapos ang exam niyo?"

He laughed. "I have exams every week, Imo. It's never ending." I chewed on my lower lip. "But I have time. Where are you? Sunduin kita."

Why did he have to be so nice to me again? Hindi ba pwede na masungit na lang ulit siya? At saka hindi ako pinapansin? He's making it extra hard to let him down.

"Pwede mo ba akong puntahan? Sa park? 'Yung pinuntahan natin last time?"

I closed my eyes as I listened to his response. There's no perfect time to break someone's heart. But this should be done. Kung hindi, patuloy lang siyang aasa.

"Alright, be there in 20," he said and then I ended the call.

Maaga akong nakarating. Walang tao maliban sa akin. Good. I didn't want anyone watching us when I tell Parker everything. As I was waiting, I began to make a bouquet. Pinagsama-sama ko lahat nung highlighter na binili ko at saka inayos doon sa binili kong papel kanina. I arranged it properly. It was pretty. I had always wanted to give Parker this ever since I saw him using his highlighters. Hindi ko naman alam na sa ganitong paraan ko ibibigay sa kanya.

When I was done, I was holding the highlighter bouquet and waiting for his arrival. My heart was nervous. I didn't want to do this. I never wanted to break anyone's heart. But if I didn't do this, I'd end up breaking mine.

A few minutes passed and I could see him approaching. He was wearing a smile on his face. God.

"Sorry, naharang ako ng classmate ko," he said.

"It's okay," I replied. Napa-tingin siya sa hawak ko. I handed it to him. "Flowers for you."

Napaawang iyong labi niya. Unti-unti siyang napa-tingin sa akin. Alam ko na may sasabihin siya... probably telling me again that he loves me. And I didn't want to listen to it. He'd only make it harder for me.

"Parker..." Ang bigat sa dibdib. "May sasabihin ako sa 'yo."

Maybe he sensed it. Hindi ko alam. But he said, "Spend this day with me?"

"Ha?"

He smiled. "Just today... give me today, Imo."

I looked at him. His eyes looked sad. Why should I be the one to break him? Why couldn't he just love someone else? A girl who isn't in love with someone else? Someone who could give him her heart... because mine was taken. And I didn't want it to be returned.

"Okay," I said. Maybe this wasn't the right time. Not yet.

Naglakad kami hanggang sa makarating kami sa sasakyan niya. I wore my seatbelt. Hindi ko siya tinanong kung saan kami pupunta. I was willing to give him this day. Because after this, I wasn't sure how things would work out. Maybe he'd hate me... maybe he wouldn't see me again... hindi ko alam.

I quietly sat while he was driving. I couldn't make up what was on his mind. Alam niya kaya ang sasabihin ko? Was he buying time? Delaying the inevitable? I kept on pondering hanggang mapansin ko na nasa Enchanted Kingdom kami.

"Star City was nearer... but mas maraming rides dito," he said, then he looked at me. "Let's ride everything. Like when we were young... After that, tell me what you have to say."

Hindi ako nakapagsalita. He smiled at me.

"But before that, let's enjoy today. Okay lang ba?"

I nodded. Pumila kami para bumili ng ticket. Parker was acting strange. Naging masaya na ulit siya. He began talking about our memories when we were younger.

"It's been so long since we'd be here..." he said. Hindi ako nagsalita. I went here before with Saint, but I didn't need to tell him that. "Naalala mo nung nawala ka dito dati?" he continued. "Sunud ka kasi ng sunod sa amin ni Preston, nawala ka tuloy."

"Hindi ko kasi ako sinasama."

"Because you're a girl," he replied. "At saka bungi ka nun."

"Naka-braces ka naman," I replied. Nung elem kasi kami, may crush si Parker tapos na-basted siya ng crush niya kasi naka-braces siya. Bata pa lang si Parker, marami na siyang crush. Naging crush niya nga yata lahat ng batch mate niya maliban sa akin, e.

"You also wore braces when you were in high school," he reminded.

"Sino may kasalanan?"

Natawa siya. "Sino nagsabi na sundan mo ako dati?" he said, laughing. May date kasi siya nun kasama iyong pinaka-sikat na babae sa batch niya—iyong muntik na nilang pag-awayan ni Kuya. Sinundan ko sila nung nagdate sila... tapos nalimutan ko na pero ang ending, natanggalan ako ng ngipin dahil nadapa ako. Nagkaroon ng gap sa ngipin ko tapos hindi ko na alam, basta maraming sinabi iyong dentist kaya ang ending, nagkaroon ako ng braces bigla.

"High school ka pa lang, marami ka ng babae, no?" I said.

He shrugged. "I did everything back then just to avoid any feelings for you."

"Ganoon ba ako ka-panget sa paningin mo dati?"

Nilingon niya ako. "You've always been beautiful in my eyes, Imo. I just refused to acknowledge it. I didn't want to live my Uncle's life."

I had always known that—or maybe I used that as an excuse nung paulit-ulit niya akong sinasaktan dati. Hindi talaga. Ilang beses ko bang narinig sa kanya 'yun? Hindi ko na mabilang. Mabuti na lang at kami na iyong sasakay sa EKstreme Tower. While we were going up, I asked him. "What's your biggest regret, Parker?"

Seconds passed. Hindi siya sumasagot hanggang sa makarating kami sa pinaka-taas.

"That I fell for someone else first, when it's you I should've fallen for."

And then we were falling down.

Pagdating namin sa baba, alam ko dapat mahilo ako, pero mas naiiisip ko iyong sinabi ni Parker. Siguro nga... if he fell for me first, alam ko na kaming dalawa ngayon. Ang dami na naming pinagsamahan, e. He'd been there for as long as I could remember. He knew me ever since. But things do not always go according to plan. Meeting Saint wasn't a part of the plan. It was a surprise. A pleasant surprise.

After that, we rode dodgem. I was driving the red bump car, while he was driving the blue one. Nagda-drive ako nung matamaan ako nung nasa likod ko. Sa sobrang lakas, pakiramdam ko muntik na akong tumalsik dahil sa impact.

"Imo! Are you okay?" Parker asked. I nodded kahit medyo nahilo ako roon. "Hey! Careful!" sabi niya roon sa lalaki na nakabangga sa akin.

"It's okay, Parker. Bump car kaya 'to. It's supposed to get... bumpy," I said. I didn't want to ruin the day.

"Still. He should be more careful. Okay ka lang?"

Para kaming tanga. Iyong ibang mga naka-sakay, masayang nagda-drive sa palibot ng space. Kaming dalawa ni Parker, nandun sa isang gilid. He was asking me if I was feeling dizzy. "I'm okay," I assured him. Pagkatapos nun, sinulit na namin iyong natitirang oras. I was driving while Parker was tailing my back—pakiramdam ko ay binabangga niya iyong mga dapat babangga sa akin. Ang weird niya.

We rode a few more rides before we decided that we're hungry. After that, doon kami sa Kart Trak.

"Race tayo?" he said.

I made a face. "E 'di panalo ka na agad?"

He laughed. "Malay mo manalo ka?"

Because he wanted, I gave in. After all, today was all about him. Tinuruan niya ako kung paano paandarin iyong karts. Hindi ko sure kung naintindihan ko ba lahat. Sigurado naman ako na siya ang mananalo. "Ready?" he asked. I wore my helmet and nodded. "Let's go!" After three laps, siya ang nanalo.

"I won," he said.

"Hindi naman kasi ako marunong magdrive. Ang unfair kaya."

"Unfair naman talaga ang buhay. Kapag nandyan, ayaw mo. Kapag nawawala, hinahanap mo." Hindi ako sumagot. He smiled. "Question..." he said. "What's your biggest regret?"

Huminga ako nang malalim and looked at him. "That I only have one heart."

After that, we rode some more rides. We just reminisced the good days. Iyong mga travel namin kasama ang buong pamilya. Kahit naman kasi walang kami ni Parker dati pa, we're still close. Our families were awfully close. He's family. I'm his family. It's something we can't erase even if we try.

We lost track of time. Hindi namin namalayan, papagabi na pala.

"Saving the best for last," he said as we were standing before the Wheel of Fate. "Tara?" he said.

Nagsimula siyang maglakad nung hawakan ko iyong kamay niya. "Parker," I said. He looked at me. "Wag na dito."

"Why?"

I took a deep breath. "Too many memories," I replied. When we were younger, pinilit ko siya na sumakay dito. He didn't want to ride with me dahil mas gusto niya na sumakay sa roller coaster kasama si Kuya. But I cried kaya napilitan siya na samahan ako... and when we were at the top, I confessed my feelings to him. And he rejected me.

It was a bad decision, confessing in an enclosed space. Tahimik akong umiiyak hanggang sa makababa kami. Pagkatapos nun, tinatanong nila Mama kung bakit ako umiiyak. I just lied and told them that I had fear of heights... but for the first time, I got rejected. It was the first time Parker broke my heart.

Parker smiled at me. "Maybe it's your turn to reject me."

Hindi ako sumagot. I didn't even look at him. I didn't even want to listen to him. Pagpasok namin sa sasakyan, tahimik lang ako.

"Imo," he called. I was busy looking at the lights outside. "Let's play 20 questions." I stayed silent. "Are you happy?"

Tumahimik ako sandali. Why did he want to do this to us? Couldn't we end it as quietly as we could? Why did he want to open more wounds?

"No," I said. Why would I be happy? Everything was a mess. "If there's one thing you want to do, what is it?" I asked.

"Kiss you... but I won't."

Lumakas iyong kabog ng dibdib ko. "Why?" I asked even if I shouldn't.

"Because if I get a taste, I will crave for more... and I know I can't. And I shouldn't." The atmosphere was getting heavy. I was feeling suffocated. I knew we shouldn't have played this game. "Do you talk with him about me?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied. He had always been the topic of Saint's jealousy. "Aside from me, what pushed you to fix your life?"

"No one. You're the only reason I'm doing this. I felt like I already lost everything. Ikaw na lang 'yung natitira sa akin," he replied.

How do you break a person whose life revolves around you? Is there an easy way?

"What do you like about him?" he asked.

"Everything," I replied. "I like his smiles. I like the way he calls me Mary. I like the way he thinks. I like the way he cares. I like the way he tries to like the things I love. I like the way he's obsessed with ducks. I like his weird gifts. I like him even when he's ignoring me. I like it when he subtly asks me to wear matching clothes. I like how he's so passionate about basketball. I like how he tries to be serious, but I can always see that he's still the playful Saint I know."

I told him everything. I told him even though I knew this would hurt him. Because there's no easy way out. Only when he realizes the depth of my feelings would he let me go.

"Why do you even think you like me?" I asked.

Natigilan siya. "Imo..." he said. "Please. Don't belittle my feelings. You may not share my feelings, but please don't belittle them. I like you. I love you. I was an asshole, I know. I mistreated you. I broke your heart. Alam ko. Palagi mong pinapaalala sa akin. But I'm working on it... why don't you appreciate what I'm doing? Why don't you look at me anymore?"

Iniwas ko iyong tingin ko sa kanya. "I'm already looking at someone else, Parker. Why don't you try to look at someone else, too?"

"Because I don't want to. I already tried before. All the girls, I dated them to avoid you."

"And Cindy?" I asked even though it wasn't my turn.

"I loved her."

"Then find someone like her and fall in love again, Parker. Can't you do that for me?" I asked.

"I can't... I'm sorry. I will love you for as long as I could. And I don't think I can ever stop."

I bit on my lower lip to stop my eyes from watering. We were just hurting each other.

"Before... nung palagi mong sinasabi na hindi talaga, didn't you mean it?" I asked. He should've just meant it. Para hindi kami nasasaktan ngayong dalawa. He should've stayed true to his words. Na hindi niya ako magugustuhan... hindi talaga.

"Yes," he replied. "I wasn't in love with you before. I was in love with Cindy. I hated you back then. Mas lalo nilang pinipilit, mas lalong umaayaw ako."

I had known about this... but hearing it first hand? It still hurt.

"Imo..." he said. And for some reasons, my heart broke at the sound of his voice. "Don't you ever think about what could've happened if you were in love with me?"

I smiled. "I used to think about it. Everyday. I always daydreamed about you and I. Naiinggit ako sa mga nagiging girlfriend mo. I wondered how it felt to be the one who holds your hand, iyong kasabay mo tuwing recess, iyong hinihintay mo tuwing uwian. I used to think about those things, Parker... But I stopped."

"When?" he asked.

"When I met Saint." I closed my eyes. I should ask this now. Or else, I didn't think I could ever do. "Can you forget me?"

"No," he answered. "Can't you love me again?"

"I don't want to," I replied. "Why can't you forget me?" I asked him.

"Because I'm in love with you, Imo. Every fiber of my being is in love with you. I love you even though I know you're not in love with me. I love you even though I know that when you're with me, you think about someone else. I love you even though every time I look in your eyes, I could see it's him you want to be with. I love you even though it hurts. And I love you even though you're killing me by not even pretending that you can love me."

Unti-unting tumulo iyong mga luha sa mata ko.

"So stop asking me to forget you. I would... if I fucking could," he said.

I looked at him, tears falling down.

"Forget me... even if you fucking couldn't. Because I'm not in love with you anymore, Parker. I love Saint. I'm in love with him and I plan to continue to be in love with him. Stop doing this. Stop asking me to love you. I already spent years being in love with you. Tapos na 'yun, Parker. Even if you beg, I can't love you again. When you pushed me away, you made a space in my heart... a space Saint filled. And I don't have any plans of removing him from my heart."

He was looking outside, but I saw a tear fell from his eyes. My heart ached. I hated doing this... but I should.

"I love him... I'm still so in love with Saint. I'm in love with him... not with you."