#JustTheStrings

Kabanata 62

Someone asked me what was the hardest thing I had done in my life. I didn't have an answer for that before. Everything was handed to me. My parents had made sure that I could get everything I needed in my life. I got everything easy... until I had to break someone's heart. And I was sure that it's the hardest thing anyone could ever do. Because how could you break someone who did nothing but love you? Isn't it the most cruel thing in the world? If only heart could be dictated... pero hindi, e. I didn't choose to love Saint. It happened. And once it did, I'd keep on choosing to love him. Loving him became both voluntary and involuntary. It's a conscious and unconscious decision. It's everything I wanted and didn't want.

Hurting Parker was the same. I didn't want to do it but at the same time, I wanted to. I wanted to hurt him so that he'd stop hoping. I wanted him to start moving. I didn't want him to be stuck in the same place. Because I was sure he'd move on... the same way I managed to move on from him.

Pagkatapos kong sabihin kay Parker iyon, pinilit kong maging abala sa ibang bagay. I channeled all my energy into my school works. I didn't want to think about it anymore. Every time I would remember how tears escaped his face, I wanted to apologize. But I shouldn't. I should stand on my ground. Para sa ikabubuti niya.

Days passed and my body started to feel tired from all the works I did. I wanted to withdraw from my work in the café but I felt bad. I was barely starting and I was already considering quitting. Doon kasi madalas nag-aaral si Parker. And he knew that I was working there... ayoko naman na umiwas siya roon dahil sa akin. That's too much already.

And so I told Jovi that I was resigning. Hindi ko na rin tinanggap iyong sweldo para sa mga aral na nakapagtrabaho ako dahil nakonsensya ako na bigla na lang akong nagquit. Sinabi ko na personal reason and I was glad that she didn't question me. I didn't want to refresh my memory on what happened... Although everything was still freshly etched in my mind. Every detail was painfully vivid. The pain was still palpable.

It had been a week already but the pain was still there. I didn't open my phone, fearing that Parker would contact me. I was thankful that I was staying in a hotel kaya kung gusto man akong puntahan ni Parker, hindi niya alam kung nasaan ako. I didn't want another talk. I didn't want a rerun of what had already painfully happened.

I was thankful for all the welcomed distraction. Binuhos ko lahat ng lakas ko sa pagpipinta. I painted all my emotions... and my professors noticed that my works all showed pain. They said that I was a deep person. But I was just lonely. And sad.

"Wanna hang out?" Kath asked me. "It had been a week already, Imo."

"I'm okay," I replied. She called me via Facetime. Sinabi ko sa kanila ni Liza iyong mga nangyari. They comforted me. Their words meant to soothe this nagging feeling inside me, but I couldn't be consoled. The fact that I consciously hurt Parker would eat me inside.

"You're killing yourself with all the things you're doing."

"I'm distracting myself, Kath. I don't want an idle mind. I don't want to envision what happened that day..." I explained.

Only then I was beginning to realize why best friends didn't want to take that leap of faith... kasi hindi naman palagi na pareho ang nararamdaman. Paano kapag hindi mahal nung isa? Paano? Kasi mahirap bumalik sa pagkakaibigan kapag iba na ang nararamdaman. Mahirap magpanggap kapag ang sakit-sakit na.

"I don't want to risk it," I continued.

She sighed. "Alright... but don't do it for too long, okay? We're worried for you."

I smiled. "Thank you. But I'm okay."

"Pero... have you talked to Saint?"

Upon mentioning his name, agad kong naalala iyong nakita ko nung huli ko siyang pinuntahan. I didn't want to doubt him. Because it there's one thing I was sure of, it was his love for me. I knew Saint loves me. He told me that. Hindi niya sasabihin sa akin iyon kung iba ang nararamdaman niya.

It was my own problem. It was my problem that I get hurt too easily. I was always afraid that I'd lose him. Hindi ko alam kung paano tatanggalin ito sa sarili ko. I only wanted to love freely but I had all these inhibitions inside me. It's killing me knowing that someone might love Saint better than I do... and if Saint sees that, would he leave me? For someone who wouldn't hurt him like what I was doing?

"Not yet," I replied.

"Why?"

"I don't know."

Kath sighed again. "You do know that you sacrificed Parker's feelings for Saint, right?" she asked and I painfully nodded. I didn't want to be reminded of that. Kasi kung kaya ko, gusto kong sumaya silang dalawa. They're both important to me. But I could only love one... and I only chose to love one.

"Don't waste his sacrifice, Imo. Don't let him hurt for nothing."

I thanked her for the concern but I still needed some time to collect my thoughts and feelings... and I didn't want to jump on Saint's boat when I had just let Parker's ship sink. It didn't feel right.

Another weekend passed. Another two days spent in painting my feelings away. The condo manager called and told me that I could go back to my unit in two days. By then, alam ko na makakausap ko na ulit si Saint.

Bago ako bumalik sa school kinabukasan, tinawagan ko si Kuya. I needed to know... kung okay ba siya. I asked Kuya to meet me in the coffee shop at the ground floor of the hotel.

"Hi, Kuya Benj," I greeted nung makita ko na magkasama silang dalawa ni Kuya. Napapag-usapan kaya nila si Kath? Kasi alam ko naman na nagkaroon ng feelings si Kuya kay Kath... and Kuya Benj and Kath were growing closer.

They took the seats in front of me.

"What's up?" Kuya asked. May anak na siya pero hindi pa rin nagmamature si Kuya. He's still playful. I didn't know if that's a good thing, though.

I fiddled with my fingers, chewed on my lower lips. "Kuya..." I trailed off. "Nakausap niyo na si Parker?"

Napa-kunot ang noo ni Kuya habang si Kuya Benj naman, umiling.

"Busy nga 'yun, 'di ba? Hindi mahanap," Kuya said.

"I tried to contact him for legal matters sa business pero 'di sumasagot. I just called their firm," Kuya Benj answered. "Why, princess? May nangyari ba?"

As much as I didn't want the world to know how I crushed Parker's heart, I needed the help of his friends. I wasn't sure if Parker was strong enough to go through this pain. I wanted his friends to support him during trying times like this.

I told them what happened—just the quick version of it. I didn't want to make a spectacle of someone else's pain.

Upon finishing, Kuya Benj pursed his lips. Si Kuya naman ay hindi ko mabasa ang reaksyon.

"So, please... Check on him," I pleaded. Just to know that he's alive and breathing, I would be so thankful.

Kuya Benj nodded. "Of course, princess. I'll check on him pagkatapos natin dito."

I smiled. "Thank you, Kuya."

Nagpaalam si Kuya Benj na mauuna na siya. Sinabi niya na pupuntahan niya muna si Parker bago niya puntahan iyong sa business niya. I thanked him profusely because of that. Pagkaalis niya, napansin ko na naka-tingin si Kuya sa akin.

"Bakit, Kuya?" I asked. He was staring... like he was thinking about something.

"This decision... there's no turning back," he said. Napa-tingin din ako sa kanya. "Don't go back kapag nakita mo siyang nasasaktan. Don't hesitate. Don't look back."

Slowly, I nodded. That's what I planned to do. I didn't want to go back anymore. Doing it once was more than enough. It was more than what I bargained for.

"I'm sorry, Kuya."

"It's not your fault. Don't say sorry for feeling."

I chewed on my lower lip. "I shouldn't have prolonged this. Dapat dati pa lang, sinabi ko na."

"Sometimes, I hate that you're so much like Papa. You're too kind. You keep on apologizing for things you have no control over. It's not your fault that you're afraid to hurt his feelings. It's your nature to be kind, Imo."

I heaved a deep breath. "But, Kuya... simula pa lang, alam ko naman na si Saint pa rin. Na si Saint lang talaga."

"You never wavered?" he asked.

I shook my head. "It's him. It's always him. Kaya nga ang sakit-sakit, 'di ba? Kasi mahal na mahal ko."

"And Parker? Hindi ba masakit din?"

I nodded. "But it's easier to forgive him. With Saint, it's harder. Because my heart's with him. Because he has the power to hurt me. Because I'm in love with him."

He sighed. "Parker's timing is off. Kung kailan mahal ka na talaga niya, tsaka naman may mahal ka na talagang iba... Maybe Parkers will never get the girl. Maybe that's their destiny."

I chose not to comment on that. Parker would get the girl... it's just that the girl wasn't me.

Pagkatapos kong kausapin si Kuya, hinatid niya ako sa school. He asked me why I wasn't driving my car. Kung ano raw ba ang sense ng paghingi ko ng sasakyan kung hindi ko naman pala gagamitin.

"Long story, Kuya. Basta, I'll ask Manong to teach me on weekend," sabi ko na lang. Ayokong ikwento pa si Parker. He had been the subject for too long.

I spent the whole day studying. Maybe Ria sensed that I wasn't in the mood kaya hindi nila ako ginulo. I focused on writing papers and doing drafts for my art works. At least, I was being productive.

Minsan, hindi ko pa rin mapigilan na may marinig tungkol kay Saint. I was tempted to talk to him... but I planned to do it during the weekend. Iyong kaming dalawa lang. Iyong walang istorbo.

Nagpaturo na rin ako kay Manong kung paano magdrive. I was stunned to know na may handbrake pala! Why the heck did Parker dove in my legs kung may handbrake naman! But it's all in the past.

Weekend came, lumipat na ako pabalik sa unit ko. I was hoping to run into Saint. Pero lumipas ang buong Sabado, ni anino niya ay hindi ko nakita. I was already tempted to knock on his door. Pero hindi ko nagawa... but I gave in eventually and stalked his facebook. Wala namang siya posts doon. Napa-kunot lang ang noo ko dahil sa mga tagged photos niya kasama iyong Marisse Du Pónt na iyon. It seemed like they're together in a formal event dahil naka-tuxedo pa si Saint.

But maybe it's for work. Saint's working in the embassy. He's a diplomat. His father's the Spanish ambassador to the Philippines. Hindi na dapat ako nagtataka na maraming foreigner na kilala si Saint.

I painfully scanned all those tagged photos until they stopped. And then nothing appeared for months... ang huli ay iyong litrato na magkasama kami. It seemed like his life stopped when we broke up. He didn't post anything. Nothing. Kaya siguro akala ng mga tao ay kami pa rin... because my pictures, our pictures were the only ones in his account.

When night fell in, I felt hungry but wasn't in the mood for ordered food. I grabbed my jacket and wallet. Diretso akong naglakad papunta sa elevator. I clicked on the second floor dahil nandoon iyong mga kainan. Nasa ground floor kasi iyong mga shops. Tapos from third and above, puro units na.

Tahimik akong naghihintay na magsara iyong pintuan ng elevator nung biglang pumasok si Saint. Bigla kong nahigit ang hininga ko. Nung nakita niya ako, napahinto rin siya.

"Hi," I said, smiling a little. I hoped my smile put him at ease.

"Hi," he replied, pushing the ground floor button.

The silence was eating us away. But I didn't want it to. I didn't want to be awkward around Saint. Kaya naman habang pababa kami, nagsalita ako. "May work ka kahit gabi na?"

He nodded. "Favor from the boss."

I wanted to ask if that Marisse was the daughter of his boss, but I didn't want to appear snooping... but I was.

Nung nasa second floor na, bumukas iyong pinto. Saint was looking for me, probably expecting na bumaba ako dahil doon naman talaga dapat ako bumaba.

"Ah... namali lang ng pindot," I lied shamelessly. Agad kong pinindot iyong button para magsara iyong pinto. Nakakahiya! "Sa ground floor din ako," I said.

Tumango lang siya. Nung makarating kami sa ground floor, lumabas siya at naglakad. Nasa likod niya ako. Huminto ako. Nakita ko na nasa labas siya at naghihintay ng taxi. But really, walang masyadong dumadaan na taxi sa lugar namin dahil wala namang nagtataxi halos sa tower na 'to. Most tenants have their own cars.

Mabilis akong tumakbo pabalik sa elevator at pumunta sa basement. I went to my car and excitedly revved the engine. Madali lang na i-drive itong sasakyan dahil automatic. I just hated parking lalo na kapag parallel. Si Manong pa ang nagdrive sa akin pabalik sa unit dahil ayokong magpark.

I drove in front of the tower and stopped in front of Saint. He was doing something with his phone. My chest was hammering as I rolled the window down.

"Saint," I called. Napa-tingin siya sa akin. "Where are you going? Sabay ka na sa 'kin."

I was shameless, alam ko. But this was the only way to talk to him. Ang hirap niyang hanapin. Sinabi ni Cohen na nagpapractice si Saint two hours daily tapos diretso agad siya sa practicum niya. He's really busy. But I already really wanted to talk to him...

"Where are you headed? It's probably out of your way."

"It's in the way!" I replied too soon. I sounded too eager. Naka-kunot ang noo niya. I smiled. 'Don't be creepy,' I reminded myself. "I'll drive you there."

I believed he's weirded out by me pero sumakay pa rin siya.

"Where to?" I asked. "And wear your seatbelt, please," I reminded him. I just wanted him to be safe, in case.

I began to drive after he said kung saan siya pupunta. Nakarating naman na ako roon... I thought I could manage.

"Since when did you drive?" he asked.

"Last week," I replied. "Manong taught me."

"Do you even have a license?"

"Of course. Do you think I'll just recklessly drive around?" offended na sabi ko. My father forced me to take license bago niya ako pinayagan na magdrive. I didn't know what he did pero nung pumasa ako, nakuha ko agad iyong license. Mama said it pays to have friends from high places.

Natahimik siya pagkatapos nun. We embraced a few seconds of silence, while I was just waiting for the perfect moment to begin.

"Do you know where it is?" tanong niya. We'd been driving for a few minutes.

"Yes," I replied. I took a shortcut. Ang alam ko, dito dumadaan si Manong, e. Sinundan ko lang iyong familiar sa akin.

Biglang tumunog iyong phone ni Saint. I took a side-glance at nakita ko na naman iyong Marisse na iyon.

"Marisse, je vais être en retard," he explained. Hindi naman siya male-late! I know the way! "Je serai là dès que je pourrai."

My eyes twitched as he talked to Marisse. My hands gripped tightly on the steering wheel. Ako ang kasama niya pero iba ang kausap. Gusto ko sanang buksan iyong radyo para hindi ko siya masyadong marinig habang nagfe-French siya kasama iyong si Marisse, pero ang bastos ko naman.

"What the—why are we here?!" gulat na tanong ni Saint nung nasa entrance na kami ng SLEX.

Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit kami napunta dito. Sa Alabang dapat kami!

"Kung hindi ka sana busy sa kausap mo, e 'di sana kanina mo pa napansin na naliligaw tayo," sabi ko sa kanya.

Napaawang iyong labi niya sa narinig niya sa akin. Wala na kaming choice dahil wala namang U-turn dito.

"Just... take the nearest exit and let's head back," he exasperatedly said.

I kept quiet and drove forward. I paid for the toll fee and my eyes twitched again dahil iyong babae sa toll gate ay napa-tingin kay Saint. Sometimes, sana na-in love na lang ako sa panget. Nakaka-sama sa pakiramdam kapag alam mo na maraming may gusto sa mahal mo. Hindi siya masaya.

I kept on driving while Saint was on waze. "There's an exit in about 10 minutes," sabi niya. Tahimik lang akong nagda-drive. "Change lanes," he said.

I looked at the side mirrors at ang daming kasabay na sasakyan. I bit my lip as I attempted to change lanes.

"Change lanes," Saint repeated. "You need to change lanes para maka-exit."

I remained quiet and focused on changing lanes. Gosh. Ang hirap pala nito! Tuwing susubukan, kinakabahan ako dahil baka may mabangga ako.

"Change now!" he said.

"I'm trying!" I shouted back. I signaled and started.

"The exit's near!"

"Obviously! Kanina mo pa sinasabi!" sigaw ko pabalik sa kanya. Tensed na tensed na nga ako, mas lalo niya pa akong pinapakaba!

Nung kailangang-kailangan ko na talaga, I forced myself to change lanes... but I failed. It's scary!

I heard Saint sighing. "Just... take the next exit."

Bakit ba siya inis na inis sa akin? Dahil hindi niya makikita iyong si Marisse? At kasalanan ko ba na natatakot akong magpalit ng lane?

"There's another one in five minutes," Saint said. "Slowly change lanes."

I bit my lip. "Okay."

I tried to change lanes, but nung sinubukan ko, muntik nang mabangga iyong likod ng sasakyan ko. Sobrang lakas ng tibok ng puso ko.

"Change lanes now!" he said in a loud manner.

"I'm really trying!" I said as I did another attempt to finally take the exit. "Wait, baka mabangga tayo!" I worriedly said nung makita ko na sobrang bilis nung nasa likod ko.

"Hindi 'yan," he said.

"Kapag nabangga tayo, makukulong ako!"

"Hindi ka makukulong," he replied.

"Easy for you to say, diplomat ka, e! Hindi ka naman makukulong dito!" I hissed. Bigla kong naintindihan si Kuya kung bakit inis na inis siya kay Saint. Nakakainis nga pala talaga iyong pareho kayong nasa iisang sitwasyon. Siya safe, tapos ikaw makukulong.

Another exit passed... and another... and another... hindi ko na alam kung nasaan na kami.

Tahimik na lang si Saint. He's probably tired... and mad at me. Bakit naman nga kasi ako nagvolunteer na ihatid siya kung pati pagpapalit ng lane ay hindi ko magawa? Baka mas lalo siyang mainis sa akin kapag nalaman niya na hindi ako marunong magpark. Drive lang ang kaya ko kasi parang naglalaro lang.

Nung nakita ko na disappointed na talaga siya, I braved my fear and finally... nakapag-exit na kami. Though we're in Laguna—far from Alabang, where he's supposed to be.

"I'll just turn around..." I whispered. We were lost. "I'm sorry."

I heard him sighing. "It's not your fault."

"It is..." I got too jealous dahil ako ang kasama niya pero si Marisse ang kausap niya... maybe deep inside, sinadya ko na maligaw kami para sa akin lang siya. Kahit ngayong gabi lang.

"It's no one's fault," he said and then looked at me. "Remind me to teach you how to change lanes."

Natawa ako. Napa-ngiti siya. I guess this night wasn't so bad, after all.

"And to park. I don't know how to park," I added. He smiled and nodded. Sinubukan ko na mag U turn para makabalik kami sa Alabang. "Saan tayo dadaan?" I asked him since siya iyong may Waze. I didn't want to rely on intuition once again. Baka kung saan na naman kami makarating.

"My phone's dead," he said.

Kinuha ko iyong sa akin... and then I was reminded na wallet ko lang ang kinuha ko. Gosh. Baka isipin niya na sinadya ko!

"Hindi ko dala..." I admitted. "I'm sorry!" May meeting siya pero naabala ko siya. Baka sobrang halaga nun tapos...

But instead of berating me like what he should've done, he just rolled the windows down and looked at me and said, "I guess we're stuck for the night."