#JustTheStrings

Kabanata 63

We switched places. He quietly drove us to a better place habang ako naman, tahimik na nakaupo sa shotgun. I played the radio earlier but had decided against it. Sobrang awkward nung mga kanta. Sa isang station, Muling Ibalik Ang Tamis Ng Pag-ibig, sa isa naman, Don't Forget About Us. Sobrang awkward ng lyrics. Baka kung ano ang isipin ni Saint. So instead, I turned the radio off and just contented myself with the awkward silence.

"Saan na tayo?" I asked him after nearly an hour of him driving. This place was already very unfamiliar to me. Ngayon lang ako nakarating dito. Hanggang Enchanted Kingdom lang ang pinaka-malayo na narating ko sa Laguna.

"I'm not sure," he replied, his hands steady on the wheel.

"But are we safe?" I asked.

He looked at me briefly. "Of course. I won't let anyone harm you," he said. And then my heart felt at peace. He's still Saint... and hopefully, he's still my Saint.

I quietly looked at the surroundings. Masyado nang maraming puno sa paligid namin. Pero ngayon, hindi na ako kinakabahan. Sabi kasi ni Saint, hindi niya raw ako papabayaan. I'd take his word seriously. Mabuti na lang at hindi na kami nagtagal pa sa daan. He parked in what seemed like a resort. Lumabas kami. I trailed behind him hanggang makarating kami sa receptionist.

"Are there vacant rooms?" Saint asked. Mukhang naguluhan iyong receptionish. Saint was in a tuxedo while I was in my pajamas and jacket... We looked so mismatched. 

"Yes, sir. Dalawang room po para sa inyo?" Saint nodded and then gave the payment to the lady. Ako naman, tinignan ko iyong paligid. Nasa probinsya na nga talaga kami. I could hear crickets! Samantalang sa Manila, puro sasakyan ang naririnig ko. "Here are the keys, Sir."

Naglakad kami ni Saint papasok sa mismong resort. Kung hindi lang ako nahihiya, didikit ako kay Saint. The resort was okay... but it was a bit creepy. Pakiramdam ko ay nasa isa kaming horror movie tapos isa-isa kaming mamamatay. Sobrang ganon kasi iyong itsura ng hotel. It seemed haunted and felt haunted, too.

"Here's your room," Saint said nung makarating kami sa third floor. Inaabot niya sa akin iyong susi pero hindi ko matanggap. "Why?" he asked.

I chewed on my lower lip. Lumingon ako sa likod ko at nakita ko iyong kwarto na tutulugan ko. May malaki pang bintana na kita iyong labas! Tapos puro puno pa at mga damo! Kung hindi man ako makakakita ng multo, sigurado ako na mamamatay ako sa nerbyos at kaba.

"Is there a problem?"

"Nothing..." sabi ko at saka inabot iyong susi. "Diyan ka lang sa katabing room, 'di ba?" I asked. He nodded. Good. Siguro naman kung sisigaw ako, pupuntahan niya agad ako.

Pumasok na ako sa kwarto. Good thing kahit naman medyo scary iyong place, kumpleto iyong toiletries. I got the soap, shampoo, towel, and the robe and headed to the CR. I quickly removed my jacket and covered the mirror because it was scaring me big time. Tiniis ko iyong takot dahil gusto ko talagang maligo. My body felt icky from all the travel we did.

"Our Father, Who art in heaven, Hallowed be Thy Name; Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven," I recited as I washed my body. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay kung anu-ano ang naririnig ko. Tapos bigla pang humangin nang malakas kaya bigla akong nakaramdam ng malamig sa loob ng CR. Oh, dear God!

Hindi pa ako tapos maligo pero mabilis akong tumakbo palabas. Ang nadala ko lang ay iyong robe at sinuot ko agad iyon. I composed myself but truth was, I was shivering in fear. I never liked being alone in strange places. It scared me. But I didn't want Saint to think that I was using this as an excuse. Naligaw na nga kami dahil sa kagagawan ko, tapos magiging maarte pa ako?

So I got the rosary from my wallet and quietly recited the mysteries. Nakaupo ako sa taas ng kama at saka naka-pikit. I just had to trust my faith. Hindi ako papabayaan ni Lord. Hindi dapat ako maniwala sa mga kung anu-ano.

I was already reciting my last Hail Mary for the first Mystery when I heard a voice. Mas lalo kong nilakasan ang dasal. "Hail Mary, full of grace. Our Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus."

"Mary," the voice said. Dear Lord, are you testing my faith?! Bakit alam niya ang pangalan ko?!

"Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen."

And as I was about to recite Glory Be To The Father, biglang may kumalabit sa akin. Mas lalong napahigpit ang hawak ko sa rosary! "Lord, I'm already really scared!" I shouted. "Tama na po, please!"

Biglang nawala iyong ingay. Unti-unti kong dinilat iyong mga mata ko at nakita ko si Saint na nakatayo sa harapan ko. There was a hint of amusement on his face.

"Ikaw?!" I shouted. I was really scared! Siya lang pala ang tumatawag ng pangalan ko!

He was biting his lower lip. I could see that he was very amused with me. "I knocked. And I called your name," sabi niya.

"You should've made it known na ikaw 'yun," I hissed. I nearly had a heart attack dahil sa kanya! My heart was still racing wildly inside my chest. Pakiramdam ko ay tatalon na ito palabas sa dibdib ko anumang segundo.

"Well, that's why I called your name... until you assumed that I was a ghost," he said, the smile was already very visible.

"It's not funny, Saint."

He bit his lip harder. "I'm sorry," he said tapos naupo sa tabi ko. "Were you scared?" I nodded. "You should've told me. I'd stay with you if you're scared."

I sighed. "Baka sabihin mo abuso ako."

"You're never a trouble, Mary... and if you are, you're worth all the trouble," he said, staring intently into my eyes. Bigla na namang bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko. Pakiramdam ko ay matutunaw ako sa mga tingin niya. Pakiramdam ko ay bigla kaming bumalik sa dati... Nung masaya pa kaming pareho.

But even before I could say anything, I sneezed. A smile appeared on Saint's face. Hinubad niya iyong coat niya at saka inabot sa akin. "Where are your clothes?" Tinuro ko iyong CR. "Let me guess. You ran here because you're scared?"

"It's scary here!" I defended myself. Tatawa-tawa siya na pumunta sa CR at saka kinuha iyong mga gamit ko. But upon realizing that he'd also see my underwear, mabilis akong tumakbo papunta sa CR. He shouldn't see that! Nakakahiya! Gosh! And those weren't even fresh undies! Gosh, Imo! Agad akong tumakbo papunta sa CR at dahil madulas, nadulas ako sa sahig. "Ouch..." I said as I felt the stinging sensation on my ankle. Bakit ba palagi na lang akong napipilayan kapag kasama ko si Saint?

"Mary!" sabi ni Saint nung narinig niya iyong pagbagsak ko sa sahig. He crouched down in front of me and examined my ankle. "Why are you running again?" I chose not to answer. Nakakahiya kung malalaman niya na dahil 'yun ayokong makita niya iyong underwear ko! "It's gonna swell."

And then he scooped me up. Binuhat niya ako papunta sa kama. "I'll just get some ice," sabi niya at saka tumayo. I tugged on his shirt. "I'll be fast." Umiling ako. I didn't want to be left alone in this place.

"It's scary..." I uttered.

"Ghosts are not real, Mary."

"But what if they are?"

He sighed. "All right, scaredy cat," sabi niya bago niya ako binuhat. I encircled my arms around his neck and subtly inhaled his scent. He's so close... ramdam na ramdam ko ang bawat tibok ng puso niya. Gusto kong higpitan ang hawak sa kanya pero baka makahalata siya.

"Saint..." I called.

"Hmm?"

"I haven't finished praying the rosary," I said. Papa said that if I started praying the rosary, I should finish it. Nasa second mystery pa lang ako. I still had 3. 

"We'll pray later. Let's fix you up first. I'm sure God will understand the delay," he said. 

Nung pababa na kami ng hagdan, he said, "Hold on tighter." But I didn't. What if he heard how fast my heart was beating because of the proximity? About how my heart was going crazy with a simple touch from him?

At mas lalo ko lang nahigit ang hininga ko nung mas nilapit niya ako sa kanya. My face was already buried on the crook of his neck nung nilapit niya ako. I was almost kissing his neck, for heaven's sake! "There. Better."

Hindi ko na namalayan iyong pagbaba namin dahil masyadong nakatuon ang atensyon ko sa katotohanan na masyado kaming magkalapit. He's so near... my heart couldn't stay still because of this.

"Thank you," Saint said when the receptionist gave a bucket of ice. Kahit nung naghihintay kami, hindi ako binaba ni Saint mula sa pagkakabuhat niya.

"I think I can walk," sabi ko nung pabalik na kami. Kanina niya pa ako buhat. Baka pagod na siya. Sinubukan kong bumaba pero hinigpitan niya ang hawak sa akin lalo. "Baka pagod ka na."

"I'm not. You weigh like a paper, Mary. Kumakain ka pa ba?"

I nodded against his neck. "Pumayat ka rin kaya."

"Really?"

"Lumiit 'yung biceps mo."

Tapos naramdaman ko na nagva-vibrate siya dahil sa pagtawa. Nakagat ko na lang iyong labi ko. Saint was laughing. I made him laugh. I heard his laughter again. This felt like success. Ang saya na napatawa ko siya. Pakiramdam ko, kahit kaunti ay bumabalik na iyong Saint na nakilala ko dati... Iyong masayahin na Saint. Iyong Saint na madaling mapatawa. Iyong Saint na natutuwa sa mga simpleng bagay. I wanted to see that again.

"You notice the weirdest things, Mary," he and then we stopped in front of the pool. Ibinaba niya ako sa isa sa mga lounge chairs.

"Hindi tayo babalik sa room?"

He yawned and then shook his head. "You said it's scary."

"But you're already sleepy," I replied. "It's okay. I'll just sleep super fast para hindi na ako matakot."

But instead of considering my proposal, he took out his handkerchief and then put the ice in there. Dahan-dahan niyang dinampi sa ankle ko. He looked serious while doing so... and I was drowning in the sight of him caring for me.

"Thank you," I said as he was putting another batch of ice.

"For what?"

"For taking care of me."

He smiled. "I'll always take care of you."

"Mas thank you... kasi nandyan ka pa rin kahit hindi tayo. Akala ko kasi hindi na tayo magiging maayos kahit kailan. Sabi kasi nila, bihira daw na maging friends kapag ex."

He looked at me, his smile now gone. "I told you, we're not friends."

I wanted to tell him that I also didn't want to be friends with him. I didn't like the idea of being just friends with him. I didn't like the idea of him being with someone else. Gusto ko ako lang. Gusto ko kami lang. Ayoko ng may iba. Ayoko ng may kahati. Gusto ko, akin lang siya.

With him, I wanted to be selfish... I didn't want to share him with someone else.

"Si Marisse... she's really just your friend?" I asked. I wanted to make sure. Because tonight, I would tell him about my feelings. We already wasted too much time... Those time we could've spent together. Those time we could've used to make more memories. Ang dami na naming nasayang. Ayoko ng dagdagan pa.

"She is," he replied.

"Are you close?"

"Kind of. She's fun to be with."

I pursed my lips and bit my tongue to stop myself from saying anything incriminating. Why was he taunting me? Hindi ba niya nararamdaman na nagseselos ako sa mga sinasagot niya?

"Ah..."

"She's a sport-enthusiast," Saint mentioned. Baka naman volleyball player din siya?

"Mukha nga... She's really fit," I commented.

"She speaks seven languages." I speak five. I could learn another two.

"She's the daughter of the French Ambassador," he said again.

"And you're the son of the Spanish Ambassador," I replied. "Meant to be."

Bigla namang napa-ngiti si Saint. He's annoying me! I had the urge to push him down the pool para mahimasmasan siya sa mga sinasabi niya. Why was he praising a girl in front of his ex? Hindi ba niya alam na basic courtesy na 'wag gawin iyon?!

"And she's also not you," he said. "She doesn't make me smile like you do. She doesn't frustrate me like you do. She doesn't make me want to be a better person like you do." And then he cupped my face. "And I don't love her like I love you."

He was looking at me and I was drowning... but I didn't want to be saved. If him telling me he loves me means to drown, then by all means let me drown. Because life without him paled in comparison. He made my life brighter. He made me love myself. He made me want to do better things. He inspired me to be the best version of myself...

And even though he hurt me... even though he caused me pain that was almost unbearable, I still couldn't deny that the best days of my life were those days spent with him. Because he's not only the sun who shines... he's every color in my life. He makes everything vibrant. And without him, I could only see black and white.

"Saint," I said. "Nothing happened between Parker and I."

I just wanted him to know. I didn't want this issue to follow me anymore. I wanted a clean slate. I wanted a new start with Saint. 

"I know," he replied. "I trust you, Mary. I was just blinded with jealousy... and I listened to Dani's words when I should've trusted you more."

"But only if I called you that night to tell you that—"

"It's Parker, Mary. No matter what you do, you'll always care for him. He's someone who'll always be there. I understand. I won't force you to erase him from your life. I won't force you to do things you don't like."

How did we come this far? How did we come from fighting about Parker to him conceding? We grew so much.

"I'm sorry we broke up," I said.

"Yeah... me, too."

Naka-one year na sana kami. Marami sana kaming nagawa pa. Mas marami pa sana kaming nalaman sa isa't-isa. Sobrang daming sayang. If only we trusted better... if only we didn't let emotions get the best of us.

"But if there's one thing I appreciate from the break-up, it's that you learn to express yourself better," he said. "I had always wondered about what you're thinking. You're a big mystery to me, Mary Imogen. I always second-guessed everything because I was afraid to mess anything up. I never knew what you're thinking... what you're feeling... you never told me anything. I always had to guess. I always had to wait. I always had to content myself with the little details you chose to spare for me."

Was I this unfair to him? Ganito ba ako kahirap kausap? Why did I make him feel like this before? Why did I do this when all he did was love me? When all he ever made me feel was happiness?

"And with Parker, he just knows you. He gets you. You can talk to him about things you can never talk to me. And that seriously sucks. I want to share everything with you. I want to know your every thoughts. But you never let me... I felt so inadequate. I felt like you're building a wall between us, and no matter what I do, you'd never let me pass. Kasi nandyan na si Parker. Kasi okay ka na na may Parker na makikinig sa 'yo."

I reached for his hand and held it tight.

"But seeing you now? Listening to you say your thoughts? You've come a long way, Mary. I'm proud of you."

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako naiiyak. Hindi ko alam kung bakit palagi ko lang iniisip na nasaktan ako. Hindi ko naisip kung ano iyong mga nagawa ko para masaktan si Saint. I unknowingly caused him pain because I was too scared to confront my own feelings...

"Saint, I—"

"I know you don't want to be with me again, Mary. But I'm willing to wait. I'll wait until you're ready. I'll wait until—"

I stopped him from talking and then sealed his lips with mine.

"No more waiting," I said and then leaned in. We already wasted so much time.