#JustTheStrings

Kabanata 64

My eyes were closed. My heart was beating so fast. I didn't think this through. I just kissed him—because that felt so right... and because I didn't want to talk anymore. I just wanted to grab him and have him as close as I could. And so I did. At kinakabahan ako ngayon. What if he didn't want me like this? What if I came on too strong?

"I'm so—" But my words were interrupted.

"What was that?" he asked. Ilang kurap ang nagawa ko. I just blinked because no words would come out of my mouth. And for a moment, I kinda wished that blinks would suffice as an answer. I felt my cheeks heating up as he continued to stare at me. "Mary," he called my name. "Why did you kiss me?" 

Words abandoned me. Hindi pa rin ako makasagot. I couldn't find the right words to explain myself... to explain what I felt. At nung hindi pa rin ako makapagsalita, Saint cupped my face. He made me look at him and when I looked in his eyes, I found comfort. He had always been my solace. His smiles pacify me. His presence calms me. And his whole being just completes me.

"Mary..." he softly said, his eyes waiting for the words that feared to come out from my mouth.

"I..." I trailed off. I let myself get drowned in his stares. I let myself draw strength from his presence. I didn't want to prolong our agony anymore. I didn't want to be apart when we could be together. I didn't want to waste time. Tama na iyong ilang buwan. We both made a mistake. We both paid for it. We both owned it. Too many tears have been shed, too much pain have been felt. Now, we deserve to be happy.

"I love you," I said. I felt his hands gone cold. Inabot ko iyong kamay niya na nakahawak sa pisngi ko at hinawakan iyon. I wanted to assure him of my feelings. That even though time passed, even though feelings got hurt, even though words were said, still, my heart belongs to him. Only him. And I feared that my heart would only belong to him. Because the more I struggled, the more I realized that at the end of the day, it's still him I long for. Siya lang iyong gusto kong makasama. Siya lang iyong gusto kong makausap.

Days spent without him pale in comparison to days spent with him.

"I'm sorry for denying it for so long. I was just scared to get hurt again, Saint. The last time was so painful... I felt my heart get crushed and I didn't know what to do with the pain." My lips began to tremble as I continued. I had always denied what I felt when we broke up. I wanted to feel strong. I wanted to convince myself that I would do just fine without him... that maybe, he's just a beautiful phase in my life. And painfully so, that phase was done. Because if he's meant to remain in my life, he wouldn't give me up that easily. Because if what he felt for me was real, he would believe me before anyone else.

I had all these reasons... I had all the reasons to forget him. And yet, I only needed one good reason to stay.

"I ran away. I disappeared without telling you... and I'm sorry for being so weak." Tears fell. My heart felt so heavy. I felt the need to unload everything. I wanted to say everything. I wanted to pour everything out so that after this night, we could start anew. I didn't want to carry this burden anymore.

"I'm sorry for being so selfish, Saint. I only thought about myself. I only thought about what I felt. I didn't see where you were coming from. I didn't see your pain..."

I knew I was at fault. I knew how Saint felt. He told me over and over. Ilang beses niyang sinabi sa akin na nagseselos siya kay Parker pero wala akong ginawa. Parker's my friend and he would forever be a part of my life... but I knew better. I knew where to draw the line. I knew where to put myself. Kasi hindi pwede na palagi na lang akong nasa gitna. Papa was right. I could never protect everyone. I could never shield them all from pain. I would always end up hurting somebody... and I chose to protect Saint.

He didn't deserve my half-assed love... He didn't deserve to feel like he was competing for my attention. He deserved all of me. He deserved all my love.

"I'm sorry, Saint..." I said.

My heart was racing erratically inside my chest. He didn't say a word. And every second passing was making it harder to breathe.

"I promise to love you better, Saint..." I whispered. "If you'd let me."

I would understand if he wouldn't to be with me yet. I was a mess. I was weak. I was indecisive. Kahit ilang beses niya sinabi na hindi niya ako deserve, I knew it was all lies. It was me who wasn't deserving of him. I didn't deserve his love. I didn't deserve his affection. I didn't deserve anything from him. But I still would want to be with him. I wanted to be someone who's deserving of his love. Because I only wanted me for him. I didn't want anyone else with him. Ako lang.

Tears stopped from falling. Still, I didn't hear a single word from him.

I didn't want to feel the silence. If he wanted to think, I'd give him time, but I didn't want to be around while he thought about my feelings for him. Baka hindi ko kayanin at umiyak lang ako kapag sinabi niya na hindi niya pa ako gustong balikan. I would end up crying, I know. And I didn't want him to pity me kaya babalikan niya ako. I wanted the assurance of his love. That's what I wanted.

"And if it's about Parker, I already talked to him, Saint."

I felt my chest tightening with the mere mention of Parker's name. I could still remember his face... the way tears fell from his eyes. I didn't want to hurt him, I never wanted. But how could he ever move on from me if he wouldn't accept reality? That I'm in love with someone else. That I decided to love Saint and there's no turning back anymore.

"I already told him to stop hoping because there's nothing to hope for... That it's you I'm in love with."

Talking about Parker with Saint felt like betrayal. But I needed to do this. I needed to clear everything between us and that included Parker.

Nung hindi siya nagsalita, tumayo ako. But even before I could take a single step away from him, he pulled me back. And suddenly, I found myself sitting on his lap.

"Enough walking away, Mary. This time, stay."

Biglang lumakas na naman ang tibok ng puso ko. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hug him. He has yet to say a word, but my heart felt like exploding with happiness. It's only him who could do this to me. Siya lang talaga.

"Akala ko gusto mong mag-isip..." I said.

"About what?"

"About us," I replied.

"There's nothing to think about, Mary."

My heart constricted but I didn't show it. I would respect his decision if he wanted to wait until he's ready. I wasn't afraid anymore because this time, I am sure that my heart will never waver. He's it for me. He's my person.

"I understand," I said.

"You understand what?"

"That you want time to consider things..." I replied, though painfully at that. "I understand, Saint. It's my fault that we broke up and I will own my mistake. Just know that my feelings for you remain the same... if not, they only grew stronger because of the time we spent apart."

I never fully enjoyed Europe with the thought of Saint breaking my heart. Every place I went, I thought of him. Every people I met, I wished it was him. He invaded my mind. He conquered my thoughts. He made me his without me knowing. Every part of me screamed for him. And sometimes, it's scary how much I longed for him...

"It's both our fault, Mary, and I'd like it very much if we'd stop blaming each other for the things that we did in the past." He raised his hand and caressed my cheek. "Can you do that?"

Slowly, I nodded. He smiled. My heart leaped. I missed his smiles... that's what I really missed.

"Good," he said. "And before we become officially together again, I want to talk to your parents."

Agad na kumunot ang noo ko. "Why?"

"Because I want to say sorry for hurting you. I promised them that I'd never hurt you but I did. I broke my word."

"It's both our fault, Saint. And I'm sure they understand."

If Saint knew the story of my parents, he wouldn't think that my parents would hold that against him. If anything, what my parents understood the most was the concept of pain. They both suffered so much before they got their happy ending. What I felt was incomparable to the pain my parents had to go through... Kaya alam ko na alam nila na kasama sa pagmamahal iyong masasaktan. It's inevitable.

"Still," he insisted. "Hindi ka ba makapaghintay? Gusto mo na ba ako ngayon na?"

Bigla akong namula. "Grabe ka!"

A playful grin appeared on his face. "You kissed me first." My lips parted. He was right but... nakakahiya! "And you're sitting on my lap right now, Mary." And then he suggestively raised his brows. Akma akong tatayo pero hinawakan niya ako.

"Bitiwan mo nga ako," sabi ko. Gosh! Naka-bathrobe lang kaya ako! Didn't he know that I wasn't wearing anything underneath the bathrobe?!

"No. Stay," he said and then hugged my waist and rested his head against my stomach. "I missed you so much, Mary... You don't know how much I missed you."

Biglang nanlambot ako dahil sa mga salita ni Saint. I missed him, too. I missed him more when he's like this... I missed his honest words. I missed his sober thoughts. He was never the one to hold back his feelings. He always told me how he felt. He had always been honest... He was honest with his love for me... He was honest with his jealousy... And I felt that I should try to be like him, too.

"Na-miss din kita..."

"Talaga?" he asked.

"Oo kaya..." I answered. "At saka nagseselos ako kapag magkasama kayo ni Marisse."

I wanted to be honest with my feelings. Siguro sisimulan ko na ngayon. Kahit na hindi pa rin kami dahil gusto ni Saint, bukas na raw. Ang dami niyang alam pero papagbigyan ko na siya kung doon siya masaya.

Humigpit ang yakap niya sa bewang ko. I ran my hands through his hair. Humaba na iyong buhok niya... I could play with his curls now.

"She's just a friend, Mary," he assured me.

"I know... sinabi mo naman."

"Why are you still jealous?"

"Because I love you. It's normal to get jealous."

He broke the hug and then suddenly, we're face to face. I could see the twinkle in his eyes once again. I was proud of myself for bringing it back. "I like it when you're jealous, Mary, but stop if you can. I know the feeling of being jealous. It's not pretty. It eats you up inside. It makes you feel insecure... and I don't want that for you.

"If there's anything I want, I want my love to make you happy. I want my love to make you smile. I want my love to make you feel secure. I want all the good things for you, Mary..."

I smiled. "I'll try. For you." Even though it would always scare me when you're with someone who could potentially you away from me. It would always scare me.

"Good. Because honestly, everyone pales in comparison to you," he said tapos binalik niya na naman iyong yakap sa bewang ko. Nagustuhan niya na yata doon.

"Kahit si Marisse?"

He nodded. "Everyone, Mary. I literally mean everyone." His hug tightened. "When you were away, some girls hit on me."

"At talagang sinasabi mo sa akin?"

"Yes, para malaman mo na kahit malayo ka, loyal ako sa 'yo," he said.

"Talaga lang, ha?"

"Yeah... I'd just talk to them for a minute and then tell them that my girlfriend's waiting for me."

"Tapos?"

"Sasabihin nila, break na tayo. Tapos mababadtrip ako sa kanila kasi mas marunong pa sila sa feelings ko. Tapos, hahatakin ako ni Cohen palayo kapag napapansin niya na naiinis na ako sa mga babae."

Natawa naman ako. "Patay na patay ka talaga sa akin," I said.

"When did I ever deny it?" he replied. I bit my lower lip to stop myself from smiling. He's really too honest for my own heart! Palagi niya na lang pinapabilis ang tibok ng puso ko.

We stayed there for a while. We stayed until the wind was too cold for me. He asked me to go up when my teeth began to chatter because of the cold... and because of the lack of clothing. Sasabihin ko ba sa kanya na wala akong suot? But I didn't want to make it awkward! Medyo manyak pa naman si Saint... ngayon ko lang kasi naiintindihan iyong mga sinasabi niya sa akin dati. I thought he was decent, but ang dami niya palang sinabi sa akin dati na double meaning!

He carried me again and I pulled the end of the robe together para hindi ako makitaan.

"What are you doing?" he asked as he was walking.

"Baka masilipan ako. And it's cold," I explained. "Sa CR mo na lang ako ibaba para magdadamit na ako."

Napahinto si Saint. Napatingin siya sa akin. "Wala kang damit?" I shook my head. "Kahit... underwear?"

"Tumakbo nga ako palabas ng CR, 'di ba? Kasi nakakatakot," I reminded him. Akala ko talaga multo siya! He really scared me! And if the light was better, I'd bet that he's red right now.

"You mean to say... that you prayed naked?"

Hinampas ko siya. He made it sound so dirty! "Naka-robe ako!"

"And you made me hug you while you're almost naked!" sabi niya at saka binaba ako. I stood with my left foot dahil masakit iyong right.

"I didn't force you to hug me!" I retorted. Bakit ba parang diring-diri siya na niyakap niya ako na wala akong underwear at naka-robe lang ako?!

I tried to go upstairs but I just limped. Binuhat ako ni Saint pero kung kanina halos mahalikan ko na iyong leeg niya, ngayon naman ay parang may nakakahawang sakit ako at ang layo ko sa kanya. Para niya akong iaalay sa langit dahil buhat niya ako gamit iyong dalawang braso niya na naka-unat. Nakaka-offend na talaga.

Pagdating namin sa kwarto, dinala niya ako sa CR pero nakita namin na nahulog iyong damit ko kaya nabasa sila. Saint carried me again and put me on the bed. Bumalik siya sa CR. Hindi ko alam ang ginagawa niya roon.

"Dun ka na sa kwarto mo," I said when he returned. Tatapusin ko na lang iyong rosary ko kaysa isipin ko na ayaw akong yakapin ni Saint.

"Baka matakot ka," he replied.

"Basa iyong mga damit ko. I'm still almost naked," I said, repeating the way he said those words.

But even before I could say anything more, he lay me down and then rolled me like a burrito! Medyo nahilo ako sa ginawa ni Saint pero pagkatapos nun, balot na balot ako ng kumot. Iyong mukha ko lang ang nakalabas.

"There, all better," he said, grinning.

"I can't move!" He didn't answer me. Humiga rin siya sa kama at saka niyakap ako. "Saint!"

"I want to sleep beside you but I can't sleep knowing that you're wearing nothing beneath that robe," he said, his voice sounding almost pained. "So please bear with it, okay?"

"Good night, Mary."

I pursed my lips. I closed my eyes to sleep but I felt his lips on mine.

"Twenty-first," he said.

--

The next morning, we drove back to the city. Saint held my hand whenever he could. We ate breakfast together. We sang songs together. We enjoyed being together again. I was looking forward to him talking to my parents. Kasi kahit naman masaya ako sa kung ano kami ngayon, I still wanted the label. I wanted the girlfriend label back.

I wanted to be his future GDL once again.

"I'll tell my parents we'll be coming for dinner," I said. Naiwan ko kasi iyong cellphone ko kaya mamaya ko na sasabihin. It would be weird if I'd call Papa from Saint's phone.

We both decided to go to the condo first. Magbibihis na siya at ako naman, gusto ko nang tignan iyong unit ko. Living in the hotel was nice because of the room service, but it felt weird.

"I'll just take a bath," I told him. Nag-usap kasi kami na sabay kaming magla-lunch.

"Alright," he said, kissing my forehead after. He really liked doing that. "Your birthday."

"Ha?"

"That's the lock code of my unit. After taking a bath, go to me."

My heart beat faster. I missed this. So much.

"But wear underwear, okay?"

Hinampas ko siya. He just ruined the moment.

Mabilis akong pumasok sa loob at naligo. My ankle felt better because Saint lifted me and never let me walk. Palagi na lang daw kasi akong napipilayan dahil sa kanya. Pagkatapos kong maligo, I dried my hair at sabay ko na ring chinarge iyong phone ko. There was a text from Kuya Benj.

From: Kuya Benj

Princess, Parker's in Cebu. I'm on my way to Cebu and I'll drag his ass back. Don't worry anymore.

I sent a thank you to Kuya Benj. He's really nice. I wished him all the happiness in the world. Sana bigyan siya ni Kath ng chance kasi pakiramdam ko bagay sila. Kuya Benj's mature and Kath's... well, she's Kath. Pero nagmamature naman na si Kath kahit papaano. Hindi na siya kagaya nung dati na puro selfie. Ngayon, focused siya sa business niya. Or baka defense mechanism niya para hindi niya maisip si Kuya... pero baka mas okay na iyon. May anak na kasi si Kuya. And may Mars na siya. It's better if Kath would just move on.

Sinabi ko na rin kila Papa na uuwi ako mamayang gabi. Hindi ko muna sinabi na kasama ko si Saint. Baka kasi mapangunahan, e.

Nung matapos ako, I made sure I was all covered dahil baka kung ano na naman ang sabihin ni Saint. I also wore a cardigan as a precaution. I went in front of his unit and input the code... And it's indeed my birthday. I smiled knowing that despite everything, it's still me. His love prevailed.

Pumasok na ako sa loob. I let my eyes wander. Ngayon lang ako nakapasok sa loob. His unit looked bare. I made a mental note to shop things for Saint. Siguro naman hindi niya na iisipin na kinakaawaan ko siya kapag binilhan ko siya kapag girlfriend niya na ulit ako. I couldn't wait for tonight! Para maging kami na ulit!

And since I could still hear the sound of the water from Saint's bathroom, I decided to sit on his couch first. I made a list of the things I was going to buy nung mahagit ng mga mata ko iyong envelope. There was a logo of NBA on it. Agad ko iyong inabot at binuksan.

Mr. Saint Iverson Gomez de Liaño,

We have received your letter expressing your desire to enter the NBA Draft scheduled to take place on June 26, 20xx. In order to evaluate your application, please complete the enclosed 20xx NBA Draft Early Entry Application Form and the enclosed Authorization For Release of Academic Information and Records Form and return them to my attention as soon as possible (along with the proof of age, and if you have not attended any US college, an official US high school of each high school you attended.) For your case, it will be best to decide as soon as possible in order to take all necessary transfer. We have also included a list of colleges you could attend for at least a year before you can officially be a part of the draft.

Please send all necessary documents at the address or fax number provided on the application.

Sincerely,

Zachary Feinstein

Senior Coordinator, Salary Cap Admission

And there was a one-way ticket to California on his table. Was he... leaving?