#JustTheStrings

Kabanata 65

"Are you okay?" Saint asked. He was drying his hair with a towel nang maabutan niya ako na nakaupo sa kama niya. I smiled a little—still bothered with what I just read. Ang dami kasing pumapasok na scenario sa isip ko... and all of them involved Saint leaving. The mere thought of him being gone painfully squeezed my heart. Bakit ganoon? We just made up. We just got back. Hindi ba pwede na kahit isang araw lang na masaya? Was that really too much to ask?

I nodded. He sat beside me and then played with my hand. I looked at him while he was fiddling with my fingers. He looked so happy. What was he thinking? What did he want to happen? I wanted to ask him but I also wanted to evaluate everything first. I didn't want to be selfish anymore. I knew how much basketball meant to him. It's his dreams... so I wanted to be careful with whatever I'd say.

"What do you want to eat?" I asked him.

He arched his brow. "Why do you ask like you're going to cook?"

"Maybe I'll cook," I replied. I didn't want to think about that first. I just wanted another happy moment with Saint... kahit ngayong araw lang. Maybe tomorrow I'd ask him about that. I would like to delay the inevitable... just for today.

"Do you plan on burning my unit down?" sabi niya. I scowled at him at saka hinampas siya. "I mean, I won't stop you. That way, you'd let me stay at your place."

"Sobrang binubully mo ako simula kagabi. Akala mo 'di ko napapansin?" I said but instead of answering, he just pulled me closer and hugged me. Sobrang hilig niya maka-yakap ngayon. Kagabi, buong magdamag siyang nakayakap sa akin. Nung magising ako, nagising ako dahil hinahalikan niya iyong mukha ko. When we ate breakfast, he was holding my hand kaya hirap na hirap akong kumain. Kulang na lang ay idikit niya ang sarili niya sa akin.

"I just missed you so much, that's why," he said and then nuzzled my neck. "Nine months of not being with you is no joke."

Nine months... nine months of being apart. Kung hindi kami naghiwalay, we could've spent those times together. Mas marami sana kaming nagawa magkasama. Mas marami sana kaming alaala na magkasama... but what could regret do? Tapos na, e. Naghiwalay na kami. But now that we're finally back, at saka naman siya posibleng umalis...

"But we're together now," I said.

"Yeah... let's go see your parents para sa 'yo na ulit ako."

"Feeling mo naman atat na atat ako sa 'yo."

He laughed. "Bakit? Hindi ba?" he said and then nuzzled my neck even more kaya nakiliti ako. He's being so touchy!

"Hindi, ah. Napaka-feeling mo talaga," sagot ko sa kanya. Sigurado naman ako na umaga pa lang pero bakit sobrang landi na agad ni Saint? Nasira ba ang body clock niya kaya pakiramdam niya ay madaling-araw? Usually kasi, madaling-araw lumalabas lahat ng kalandian ni Saint... kagaya nung nangyari kagabi.

"Is it because my biceps got smaller kaya ayaw mo na sa akin?" he asked. "I promise to go back to the gym!"

"Aba, ngayon naman feeling mo katawan mo ang habol ko sa 'yo!" sabi ko at saka ginulo iyong buhok niya. Naka-yakap pa rin kasi siya sa akin kaya hindi ko makurot iyong pisngi niya. Ayaw niya talagang humiwalay. It's like he's afraid to let go.

Biglang sumakit iyong puso ko. Was it because he's actually planning to go? Kaya ba ganito siya maka-dikit sa akin? Sinusulit niya na ba iyong mga panahon na magkasama kami dahil kapag umalis na siya, alam ko na hindi na ulit 'to mangyayari... I bit my lower lip to stop myself from saying anything. I didn't want to be hasty with my words. I wanted to consider all possibilities, to consider not only my feelings but also Saint's feelings. Kasi kahit gusto ko na magkasama lang kami palagi, I didn't want to stop him from pursuing his life-long dream.

I didn't want to be the person who held him back. I wanted to be the one who helped him achieve his dreams.

"Well, I saw you staring at me while I was swimming."

Nanlaki ang mata ko. "You knew I was there?"

He nodded. "I played dirty, I'm sorry. I just wanted to walk around topless so that you'd know what you're missing." He's really a hopeless case. Sinasabi ko na nga ba na sinasadya niya iyong paglalakad ng basa sa harap ko, e! At siguro kaya rin puro floating ang ginawa niyang paglangoy para sigurado siya na kita iyong abs niya. He's a schemer! And I fell for his schemes!

After a while, nakaramdam na talaga ako ng gutom kaya pinilit ko si Saint na humiwalay sa akin. Naglakad ako papunta sa kusina niya pero walang pagkain.

"Tapos galit ka pa sa akin dahil pinapadalhan kita ng food," I told him as I stared at his empty cupboards. "Did you starve yourself nung wala tayo?"

I hated to think that he starved dahil lang wala kami. I didn't want to be that kind of influence in Saint's life. I wanted to be the person who pushed him to be better. Hindi iyong ganito na parang nawawalan siya ng gana sa buhay dahil wala ako. That's not healthy. I wanted us to be the drive in each one's lives. To be a positive reinforcement.

"I didn't starve myself. I just kept myself busy... I forgot to eat," he said.

"Don't do that again."

"I won't," he said. "I promise to stay healthy so that we'd be together for a longer time."

I nodded and smiled. "Okay. Tara sa unit ko, I think I have food..." sabi ko sa kanya. Hindi naman nabasa iyong mga nasa loob ng cupboard ko kaya pwede pa iyon. Kahit na nasa kabilang unit lang iyong sa akin, natagalan kaming makarating dahil nakayakap sa likod ko si Saint. Sobrang tagal tuloy naming maglakad. "Bitiwan mo muna ako," I said.

"Ayaw."

"Ang clingy mo."

"Don't care," he replied and then hugged me even tighter. "Deal with it."

My unit was only ten seconds away from his but it took me a minute to get there. Ang hirap maglakad kapag may higante na nakayakap sa 'yo! Pagdating sa unit, Saint was still hugging me from behind. I figured that he had no plan of letting me go so I just settled with ramen. I plugged in the electric kettle and then waited for the water to boil. We stayed on the couch while waiting. Hindi pwede doon sa may dining table dahil nakakapit na parang tarsier si Saint sa akin.

"After we talk to your parents, let's talk to my parents, too," Saint said.

"Okay," I replied easily. Sabi kasi ni Cohen, disappointed ang Mama nila nung naghiwalay kami ni Saint. I didn't want them to be disappointed with Saint anymore. Kasalanan naman namin pareho kung bakit kami naghiwalay. We lacked communication... na hopefully ngayon ay meron na kami. Bukas ay kakausapin ko na siya tungkol doon sa nabasa ko.

"Really?" he asked and I nodded. "Before, you were so scared to talk to them... I guess time really changes everything."

"Auntie has been really been nice to me. Sabi ni Cohen, she really likes me for you daw, e..."

He nodded. "Yeah... she really gave me hell when we broke up. That's part of the reason why I decided to move out. It's so depressing that I was already depressed about us, then my mom would also always remind me of what I lost."

I played with his hair. I loved talking with him. I loved our conversations. I loved hearing his thoughts. Kagabi lang kami nagkaayos pero pakiramdam ko, ang dami na naming napag-usapan. Tama nga si Saint. We both matured. That's probably the only good thing we got from our break-up.

"Hindi niya gusto si Dani for you? Kahit best friend mo siya?"

He shook his head. "She's actually very disappointed with her. My mom hates girls who meddle with someone else's relationship. Stay in your own lane, she always says. It's probably because of my dad's history," he said. Oo nga pala. Mayroong half-sibling si Saint. Kamusta na kaya si Cindy? Hindi kaya siya talaga ang para kay Parker? Kasi alam ko na minahal talaga ni Parker si Cindy. Even Kuya Benj, Kuya Jackson, and Kuya knew that... kaya nga pumayag sila na maging si Parker at Cindy, e. Because he really did love her.

"And besides, you already set the standard really high, Mary... I'm pretty sure my brothers will have a hard time because all the girls they'll introduce will be compared to you," he said.

"Grabe ka naman."

"It's true," he said. Umalis siya sa pagkakayakap sa akin. He reached for my hand and played with my fingers. "You're really fit to be a Gomez de Liaño..."

Bigla akong natigilan dahil sa sinabi niya. He was staring at me—like he was looking into my soul. My heart started to race inside my chest. My throat felt dry. I wanted to say something but my voice betrayed me. I sat there in silence, in suspense. I waited for his next words. I clung on to the anticipation.

"Mary..." he trailed. If it's possible, my heart beat was more erratic than ever. His stares felt different... his words felt conflicted.

I waited for him to continue what he wanted to say. I gave him time. But truth was, I wanted to hear what he was about to say... because it felt like what he would say would change everything. And my heart couldn't take the anticipation anymore.

"There's something I want to say," he began. I stayed quiet. I only heard his voice and the loud beating of my heart. "When you were away, I applied for NBA."

My heart paused. This was happening. I thought I could delay it... but I was wrong. He looked at me like he was eyeing my reaction. I wanted to remain as passive as I could be. I wanted to be objective with my decisions. I was done being subjective. I wanted to consider not only my feelings, but also Saint's dreams. He deserved the best.

"And I received a letter," he said.

"Okay..." I held his hand to tell him that it's okay. I was much stronger than I was before. If this happened before, I feared my reaction. Maybe I'd cry in front of him... maybe I'd ask him to stay... maybe I'd ask him to give up on his dream... But that wasn't me anymore.

"I want to ask you what to do."

I looked him in the eye and held his hand tighter. "I will never be the one to hold you back, Saint. It's your dream. Go for it."

"But you're also my dream, Mary..." he said, his voice sounding so pained. His eyes mirrored his voice. "I don't want to give you up."

"You don't have to give me up, Saint. I'll stay," I promised him.

"I'll literally be half a world away from you."

I smiled. "When I was in Europe, you didn't give up on me. Don't you have the same faith in me?" I asked him. It's just distance. We could conquer it.

"I have. I just don't want to be away from you. It's very hard to be away from you when I want to see you every second of the day, Mary. I don't know if I can handle the distance again."

Tinignan ko siya nang mabuti. What should I do for him? Ayoko na basta niya na lang bitiwan ang pangarap niya dahil lang sa akin... Ayoko rin na hiwalayan siya dahil sa pangarap niya. I wanted to be with him, too. I wanted what he wanted, too. I wanted to be with him every second of the day. I wanted to cheer on him as he reached for his dreams. I wanted to be behind him and tell him things will go fine when it's going rough.

I also wanted all the good things for him. Ganito siguro kapag mahal mo talaga... hindi lang sarili mo ang iisipin mo. You'd also think about the other person. Because it's not only you anymore...

"What do you want, Saint?" I asked him. I wanted to know what he wanted. I wanted to give him what he wanted.

"I want both."

I pursed my lips.

"I want you while I chase my dreams. Can't I have both?" he asked.

"You won't lose me, Saint. I promise."

"LDR doesn't work, Mary. I don't want to risk us again. I don't want to break up with you ever again. It hurt the first time and it will be unbearable the next. I don't want to go through that again anymore."

Minutes passed. We sat in silence.

"What do you want to happen?"

He looked at me. "You tell me," he said.

"It's your life. Don't depend your decision on me, Saint."

"But you're also my life, Mary. I told you, it's you I want to spend forever with. I don't want anyone else. So if choosing basketball will mean losing you, I'd rather give it up and stay with you," he said and I couldn't help but tear up. Why was he being like this? He's making it harder when it's already hard to accept that he might be leaving!

Tears began to flow. Hindi ko mapigilan. Hindi ko pinipigilan. I wanted him to see that it's also so hard for me. Mahirap na hindi ko na siya makikita araw-araw... Masakit... but for him, I'd do it. Because his happiness meant the world to me.

"Don't give up basketball, Saint," I told him as tears cascaded. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity. I'd hate myself if he gives it up for me.

"I don't want distance between us," he said.

I stared at him. My heart beat so fast that it felt like bursting. He's also the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with... That I was sure of. We braved storms together. We spent time apart yet at the end of the day, we still longed for each other. I don't think I'd ever feel this way again with anyone. Siya lang talaga. Siya na talaga.

And I didn't want distance, too. I didn't want another day spent without him. I didn't want another dull day. I didn't want another lifeless week. I didn't want it when I could have a colorful month with Saint around.

"I'll come with you," I said. His lips parted. "I won't let you give up on your dream, Saint. I won't be the reason for that."

"You'll come with me?"

I nodded, tears continued flowing. "But you have to ask my parents, okay? We'll live in different places. I don't want to live together when we're not married. Tell them you'd take care of me and that you won't do anything stupid and that you respect—"

Hindi ko na natapos ang sasabihin ko dahil hinatak niya ulit ako at niyakap. I hugged him back and I could feel his shoulders shaking.

"Are you crying?" I asked as I continued to cry.

"No," he said but his voice was breaking. "I don't cry."

I smiled as I hugged him tighter. I'm so in love with this guy.

--

We spent the remaining time eating ramen and dreaming about the life we'd live when we're in California. I was excited, too, pero kinakabahan din ako. Hindi ko alam ang magiging reaksyon nila Mama... I knew they'd object but I just have to convince them. Malaki na ako. I was already turning 20 in few months. I spent almost a year overseas. I grew up so much. Hindi na nila ako baby. Si Cayden at John na ang babies nila ni Papa.

I said goodbye a little after lunch dahil nagtext si Mama at may pinapabili siya sa akin. Hindi ko na tinanong kung bakit sa akin pa e ang dami naman niyang pwedeng utusan sa bahay. I needed to soften them up dahil hihingi kami ng permiso ni Saint mamaya. I rode a cab to the mall at nagsimulang bilhin iyong mga pinapabili ni Mama. It's quite a list! Naubusan ba ng stocks sa bahay at ang dami niyang pinapabili sa akin?

After 1 pm, I arrived home. "Nasaan po sila?" I asked Manang. Wala kasi sila... it's so unusual dahil maingay sa bahay simula nung dumating si Cayden. Wala rin sila Finley at Riley. Miss na miss ko pa naman iyong kambal na 'yun! Ang tangkad na nila. Magugulat na lang ako, isang araw, mas matangkad na 'yung dalawa na 'yun sa akin.

"Ma, where are you?" I asked her. Wala kasi sila talaga sa bahay so I decided to call.

"We're in Nasugbu," she said.

"What? Why are you there? And bakit pinabili niyo pa ako kung nandyan kayo?"

"Long story! Basta, pahatid ka na lang kay Manong, okay? Sunod ka dito!" she said and then quickly ended the call. Buntis na naman ba si Mama kaya ang weird niya?

I just changed into a gray dress and then looked for Manong Roger. Alam naman niya yata kung saan ako ihahatid.

"Saint, Mama said na nasa Nasugbu sila. I'm headed there. Where are you? Sabay na tayo," I said.

"I'm just finishing something for work. I'll follow," he said. Hindi na ako nagreklamo. Baka pinapagalitan siya dahil hindi siya nakapunta sa function kagabi dahil ninakaw ko siya... I just sent him the address. Importante kasi talaga iyong ngayong gabi. I was excited and nervous at the same time. I was slightly shaking.

The whole drive, I fell asleep. Nagising na lang ako nung sinabi ni Manong na nasa lugar na raw kami. My forehead creased when I noticed that we're near the beach. At mas lalong kumunot ang noo ko nung sinabi ni Manong na sumakay daw ako yacht. "Ma'am, may party ata kaya ganoon."

I sighed. Paano si Saint? Delikado pa naman bumyahe kapag gabi na... e malapit na kayang maggabi. I decided to text him para sabihin na bukas na lang namin sabihin kila Mama dahil may party pala na gagawin ngayon. Ano na naman kaya ang okasyon? Hindi ko kasi tanda lahat ng dates ng birthday dahil masyadong marami. Birthday kaya nino?

"Where are we headed?" I asked Pablo, the one who usually pilots our yacht. Papa doesn't really like traveling via water. Si Mama lang naman ang may gusto kaya may yacht kami.

"Fortune island," he said.

Sayang. It sounded like a nice place. Dapat sana nandito si Saint. Sana kasi sinabi nang mas maaga para naka-sama si Saint, e...

Pagdating namin sa island, surely there was a party. There were candles inside a glass on the sand. Sinundan ko lang iyong mga iyon, hoping that at the end, I'd find my parents... but I found someone else.

"Mary..."

My heart paused.

"I thought—"

"I lied," he said, smiling a little. "I asked your mom to distract you while we're preparing."

My eyes began to water again. Ilang beses ba akong iiyak ngayong araw? Wala pa namang sinasabi si Saint pero naiiyak na agad ako!

Humakbang siya palapit. I wanted to pull him closer. Gosh. I missed him already. How would we survive the distance if even a day away was too much to handle?

"I already talked to them..."

He took another step closer.

"About us?"

He nodded.

"And?"

Another step. God. This was killing me.

"I told them what happened, about what we planned, about what we wanted..."

"And?"

"They didn't really like the idea of you coming with me."

Something broke inside me. "I'll talk to them and explain—" The side of his lips rose. Why does everything he do so attractive to me?

"So I gave them a better option," he said and then stopped on his tracks. He was already right in front of me but it still wasn't close enough. I held my breath when he dropped on his knee.

"Saint, what are you—"

"Mary Imogen Harrison Suarez, the first time I saw you, I knew you were the one. I was captivated even with just a glance of you... and you owned me completely when I knew you better. I love everything about you—both the good things and the bad ones. I love your smile. I love your laughs. I love your tears. I love your fears. I love the way you love. I just love every single thing about you...

"When we broke up, I felt like the world crumbled upon me. I felt like the biggest idiot. I already had the best girl but I lost her... I wanted to say sorry and to beg for your forgiveness but you're already a thousand miles away from me. You have no idea how miserable I was without you. I don't want another day without you by my side, Mary. It's maddening."

Tears kept on flowing. My eyes were solely focused on him.

"And when you returned, I promised myself that I'll do everything just to get you back. I was willing to do anything... I just want you back in my life, Mary. I don't want a life without you. I want a life with you. I want to know more about you. I want to laugh with you. I want to hug you. I want to kiss you. I want to wake up with you. I want to learn things with you.

"I was willing to grovel... but you took me back when I was willing to wait. I love you even more for that, Mary. I love you more than how I loved you before... and I didn't know that it was even possible."

He reached for his pocket and then there was a box. I couldn't see clear anymore. My eyes were flooded with tears.

"Mary Imogen, I don't want to go to the US and live in a different house. I want to live with you. I want to wake up beside you. I want to be with you. And you're right, I don't want to live with you when we're not married. You deserve better than that..."

Nagsimula na siyang buksan iyong kahon.

"I know we're both young and we'll probably still meet other people... but I don't want another, Mary. I want you now and forever..."

My lips quivered as I stared at him. Was he really doing this? Did he really want me forever?

"I asked for your parents' permission and they were hesitant but I managed to convince them. I'll take care of you, Mary. I'll make sure nothing will ever harm you. God knows how much I love you... I talked to Riley and Finley, they both said yes, bless those twins. I talked to Preston... he agreed because he said he just wanted you to be happy. I can make you happy, right?"

I nodded, tears cascading. Natawa siya. He finally opened the box and there it was...

"Mary Imogen, are you willing to be Mary Imogen Gomez de Liaño? Are you willing to finally be my GDL?"