---- [T -> J] ----

T: baby it was so cool?? I jumped in there and he was all like "KNIFE TO MEET YOU" and he stabbed me and I was like Woah!! nice one!!
J: You got stabbed?
T: well ya but like HE MADE A PUN

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J: Sick brain says:  "... does fire have weight?"
T: smart boy says the gases that react to make the fire have weight, but the fire itself is energy and therefore does not have weight as we measure it.
J: Cold medicated brain thanks mister smart boy for his service

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T: Who would win? Remy (the rat from Ratatouille) or Stuart Little
J: Stuart Little
T: that's fucking horse shit and you know it! Stuart Little? That stupid fucking mouse?? I asked this as a joke mocking Stuart because I knew no one in their right mind would choose Stuart, honestly, that little CGI shithead is an insult to anthropomorphic characters everywhere. that freeloading mouse wouldn't be able to contribute one cent to society while Remy is making bank at a top scale restaurant in Paris. plus Remy would take one swing and Stuart would already be on the ground crying and then he'd start crying harder about his parents leaving him and how nobody picked him for the basketball team take a hint dude

----

J: Timmy, listen. We may not both make it out of this.
T: what?
J: If you die, I think I'm prepared to live with that. I've practiced it a lot. But there's also a chance you might survive and I won't.
T: Our odds would be a lot better if you'd help me defuse this bomb instead of texting me
J: In case I don't make it, I can't help but think of all the future mistakes you're gonna make that I'm not gonna be there to scream at you about.
T: Oh stop, I'm getting all teary-eyed.
J: I just wanna let you know that back in my room, there's a recorder deck. I've pre-recorded about 57 hours of rants that should be applicable in a variety of situations. Whenever you're feeling good about yourself, I want you to play one. And always remember, somebody hates you.

----

T: You arrive at a gate with two guards.
T: Guard one says, "Halt, traveller." You obey.
T: He goes on, "You must solve our riddle to pass." You nod. You've always been fond of riddles.
T: The second guard sighs, and mumbles something under his breath. You think he must not like riddles.
T: The first guard ignores his companion and tells you, "ONE of us only tells the truth. The other only tells LIES."
T: Before you can think of an answer to his riddle, the second guard turns sharply and says, "Jesus Christ, Timmy, I said I was sorry."
T: The guards are actually just two dudes and they're dating. it's the 20th century. Jason is a liar.
J: IT WAS ONE LIE
T: A LIE THAT LIVED SEVERAL MONTHS
J: YOU KNEW THE WHOLE TIME
T: YA, BUT YOU STILL LIED

----

J: You look tired
T: Thanks, it's the depression

----

T: Is revenge a science or an art? Asking for a friend

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J: Well shit. That was one hell of a mystery no one thought was a mystery and didn't really need solving. But damn if it didn't just get solved so nice work

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T: Treat me like a princess if ur gonna call me one!!
J: I'm sorry baby, but for the good of my comrades and my country, a monarchy cannot stand

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J: Did you hear what Dickie mumbled when he walked past us in the hallway?
T: no I was mostly unconscious
J: "feral gremlin being followed by local sadboy"

----

T: tacocat backwards is still tacocat
J: Duh. Everyone knows that
T: and dog food lid backwards is dildo of God
J: I
J: I'm coming to your room right now, and I'm killing you. Don't move

----

J: Man, you picked the wrong day to skip first bro
T: IM trying to sleep what do you want
J: Dickie took over the PA system for morning announcements and started it with "Hey boys, hit that like button if you think that falling in love with your rival is,,, kinda hot."

----

T: When I first met u, I couldn't stand u
J: Yeah, back at you
T: But then u and I had to spend some time together
J: And?
T: It didn't get any better
J: Good. Same here, asshole

----

J: What's that word that's a mix between sad and mad?
T: Discontented, miserable, malcontented, wretched
T: smad

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T: mONKEY CHOOSE CRACK COCAINE MONKEY CHOOSE CRACK COCAINE MO N K E Y CH O O S E C R AC K CO C A IN E !!1!
J: What the fuck. Holy shit go to sleep

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J: Hey Timmy, are you the square root of negative one?
T: W-what?
J: Because you can't be real
T: But im right here?

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T: Compulsory skirts for school girls is not good
J: What if we made them longer, and then split them into two skirts, one around each leg
T: Brilliant

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J: I can't believe you dont want bofa
T: sigh
T: Whats bofa?
J: Bofa my arms wrapped around you in a loving hug

----

T: Mentally, I am unwell
T: Physically, I am worse

----

J:  I- ok, listen. I don't have a girlfriend for various reasons, one of them being that I love you, and another being
J: Timmy are you listening
T: Yeah
J: What was I about to say?
T: mY NaMe'S JasOn AnD I dOnT hAVe A GiRLfrIenD bEcAuSe I LikE DudEs

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T: Ok but why the fuck do you blackout when all your pokemon faint??
J: Your pokemon can't protect you anymore so the enemy trainer just fucking decks you

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J: Dickie suggested Bruce call his memoir "Yeah So I'm Adpoting You, Too" and Bruce grounded him

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T: helpful grammar tip! Farther is for physical distance, further is for metaphorical distance, and father is for emotional distance!

----

J: How's your day been baby?
T: dumbass hours: open
T: bones: broke
T: tiddies: out

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T: Roy said "u know what they say speed limits r just suggestions" under his breath as we were walking out the door and I don't understand why no one else will get in a vehicle with him; I've never felt more alive

---- [Proof god is dead] ----

R: keep it up and I'll tell the chat about the last time you got hella drunk
J: I'll slit your throat, RoyToy.
R: Good luck.
R: you probably can't even reach my neck.
J: I'm almost taller than you though?
R: Yeah maybe in nine-inch heels and standing on a counter
W: Timmy?? Dickie??
W: Why aren't you stopping this??
D: I'm busy.
T: I'm feeding my goldfish
W: Understandable, but- Dickie, you're watching Keeping up with the Kardashians.
D: Exactly
R: Anyway, the last time Jay and I got drunk he started ranting about Tisbwbbrbdjsbwe
W: do you see what you've done Dick
W: A man is McDead because of your inaction
D: Wally, clearly you haven't been keeping up with the Kardashians. The tea this season is absolutely steaming
W: As good as that ep where Kim is robbed at gunpoint?
D: Why don't you come watch with me and decide for yourself?
W: I suppose I will...

----

D: fuck
W: Language!
R: shit
W: Language!!
J: what the dick Wallace
W: Language!!!
T: What the frick frack tic tac snik snak bro?
W:
W: what the fuck

----

R: guy who lives above me has apparently decided to learn to play the flute, and I get it. I do. I understand and yet, my guy, bruh, sir, if we meet after quarantine I will throw your god forsaken noise stick off the roof

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