I missed holding it in my hands. I missed the excitement rushing through my body after a good workout. I missed feeling the sun on my face as tears of sweat ran down my back, my t-shirt soaked with it. It felt good to be somewhere else when pain and blood were nothing more than things that I used to feel and see.

That was my job, my distraction and I missed it, I missed it a lot.

"Sorry for your loss, Miss Richards," spoke the family lawyer, Carl Gibson, with an apologetic smile handing me a bunch of papers on the desk.

"What am I here for exactly?" I asked, looking at the papers and then back at him.

I've been sitting in the conference room for an hour waiting for him, and all I wanted was to get home and stay in bed. I couldn't stand going out of the apartment knowing that the press was right outside in front of my building, waiting for me and ready to take a picture of me.

"While you were in the military, your parents made a will in the presence of a notary public two years ago." My hands were shaking as I grabbed the papers and took a look at them. I instantly knew why I was here for. I was their only child, after all. "I know it's not a good time to say this to you, but... Congratulations! You inherited their fortune. You are now a wealthy young lady."

I glanced up at him, trying to comprehend all of this. I came from a wealthy family, but... this was not happening! No fucking way! I didn't want their money, I wanted my parents back.

"I know you must be going through a lot, so take your time to read it." He got up from the black leather chair. "I'll be outside when you're ready." He closed the door, leaving me alone in this big, black, and white conference room.

I looked at the papers and read it over and over again, and, still, I did not understand anything. Why me? I was 24 years old, still too young to inherit my parents' money, to inherit everything they had. Anyone would die to be in my place right now, but they did not know how painful it was to lose someone you loved.

What was I supposed to do with my mom's hotel and my dad's hospital? I dropped the papers on the table and stood up, trying to calm down. Looking out the window, it seemed like I was living in a world where only black and white were the only two colors that existed. The buildings, the streets, and cars were covered by the beautiful white snow. It was like the snow was covering their true colors. And a few, yet brave people were walking the streets, trying not to freeze from the terribly cold weather of Chicago.

I just lost my parents and was fucking screwed. I needed them to tell me what to do next, to guide me, but they're gone now. All I want to do was cry, but I spent 24/7 locked in my room, crying these past two weeks that my cheeks and nose hurt from wiping them off.

I reached my phone in my purse and called the one person that I needed now. "Judy, I need you," I sobbed. "Can you come over? I'm-"

"Of course, honey. I'm coming in now."

"What?" I was confused and looked away at the sound of the door opening and, there she was with her bright, blonde hair put into a ponytail. "How? You were outside all this time?"

She walked over to me and embraced me. "I'm sorry, honey, I should've told you before, but-"

"Did you know?" I pulled her away and sat in the chair I was seated before.

She sighed and took a seat in the chair next to mine. "I was there when they signed the will. I was their witness."

I gulped hard. "I'm scared. What am I going to do now? I can't handle their businesses. I've been gone for-," I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. "I'm too freaking young to inherit all their possessions. Was that what they really wanted for me? To take control of all their things?"

She smiled softly at me and held my hand. "I know it's hard, sweetheart, but I'm always going to be by your side, that's why your parents wanted me to be there. They wanted me to make sure that you're gonna be alright, that you would handle everything...I'll be there to take care of you."

And then, finally, tears started falling down my cheeks. "I didn't even say goodbye to them. That I loved them."

She hugged me tightly. "Shhh.., they know you loved them very much, and I know they're taking care of you from up there."

I knew Judy was comforting me but were they really watching me from above? What if they're not? I didn't believe in that thing, neither my parents. But I did, though, when I was a kid, but not now.

"Are you ready?" she asked, and I nodded my head. I wiped my tears away and took two deep breaths before Carl came in. My parents must have been that crazy to give it all to me, but I loved them so much that fulfilling their wishes was the only thing I could do for them.

He sat down, and before he started speaking, I took another two deep breaths, and wish that Shannon were here with me, holding my hand. When I saw Judy handing him a bunch of papers such as the Death Certificate of my parents, I got up to get myself a glass of water, telling them to keep going.

Two hours have passed since we almost finished. "So, I'll get the houses: the one we have right here, Miami and Ibiza, and their cars," I reassured them. "Then, I get 65% of the benefits of my dad's hospital and another 65% of the benefits of my mom's hotel."

"That's correct," responded Carl, adjusting his prescription glasses. He was nearly his thirties, but his transparent acetate glasses made him look younger, like my age.

"But, if my parents didn't want me to take charge of their businesses, who is going to?" I asked curiously. I did not want a stranger to own the places. I wanted someone who I could trust, who I could count on. I wanted someone who knew my parents, cause that would make things a bit easier. They would know what their ideas and work ethic were, how they would like to fix the problems if they were still here, etc."

As you can see on the next page, your dad has given with confidence his hospital to his older brother, uncle Tom, who's now Chief of General Surgery. Is that right?" I nodded in agreement. "And your aunt Wanda will manage the hotel." I sighed in relief and let out a breath I didn't know I was holding on. "But under one condition."

"Which condition?" I asked.

"Your mom wanted you to be the voice too. You have to work with your aunt every weekend to be part of the important meetings and events."

"So I'm technically the boss too?" he nodded in agreement as he clasped his hands. "Okay, I can do the meeting and event thing, but I do not understand why she wanted me to work with her."

"Your mother trusted her sister, but she wanted you because you make things right. You have excellent ideas and, whenever she had a problem, you've always helped her. And, besides, she wanted you -whenever you're ready- handle the hotel, so she made sure you have someone to teach you first. That's why." He waited for my response. "Do you agree, then?"

"What if I don't want to manage it? Do I have an option?"

He smiled at me. "That's okay. Your mother knew you would say that, so you have the liberty to turn it down and leave it to your aunt."

"I knew she would do that," I smiled back.

"Do you agree, then?"

I gulped hard and nodded my head. I did not know if I was capable of doing this nor if I wanted to manage the hotel someday, but if my parents trusted me, then I had to trust myself too.

***

Months have passed since I moved out of my apartment and into the penthouse. I bought my apartment when I was 18 years old only to upset my parents. I needed a place where I could be alone whenever I got into a fight with my parents. I did not want to come home, because everything in there reminded me of them, but Judy needed me, and I needed her. She's been taking care of me since I was little, and she and Shannon were all I have left now.

I lost the most important thing I've ever had: my parents and the love of my life, Jared. We met in the Army. We started as friends, training to fight to be the best soldier next to each other in the Infantryman field. He taught me how to stay focused on my target, how to gain strength from battle to battle, and we ended up falling in love. He was the best thing that happened in my life and the hardest thing I had ever to overcome for these last years. It took me two years to overcome the pain and loss that his death had caused me. It seemed like I was in a continuous loop of experiencing the pain over and over again.

I went to therapy in the military two months after Jared's death. I was not the same person since then. How could you be when you lost the love of your life and a part of yourself, too? I was still going to therapy right after I finished my four years of active duty. Both my former and now new psychologist taught me how to deal with the 5 stages of grief that I was already familiar with:

1. Denial. It was difficult to accept that I lost someone I loved with all my heart, and, even more, now that I have lost my parents. I cried. I cried a lot on Christmas vacation that I had to change my pillows every day. I kept thinking that they were not gone, that they would come to my room and hug me, and we would go out and celebrate that I was here. How could anyone deal with all that? I was confused and hurt. It was painful, awful, and I would not wish death upon anyone. Why was this happening to me? That was the question I kept asking myself.

2. Anger. I was angry about everything that had happened, at my parents for leaving me alone, at the universe -or God- for letting it happen. I was also angry at Shannon and Judy, even though they were not actually to blame. There was nobody to blame for, though. Back in my old apartment before moving to the penthouse, I threw most of the things I could find and aimed them at the walls with anger running through my veins. And, thankfully, Shan was there to stop me.

3. Bargaining. I was looking for ways to get better and don't let anger and grief control me anymore. I kept asking the therapist 'what if' questions to try to understand the meaning of it: what if I never went to the military? What if I stayed home instead and took care of my parents? What if they never got in the car and stayed at the hotel instead? Or even 'what if' questions with Jared.

4. Depression. I didn't feel like going out of the house except for going to therapy. I didn't feel like getting up of bed, talking to Judy, Shannon, or anyone at all. I could no longer see them grow up with gray hair, give them as many hugs as I wanted to, talk to them, listen to them about how their day at work was, their laughs..., One thing that scared me the most was never hearing their voices. I hated this stage because I felt like I was dying too. How did I get through this stage? Simple: surround yourself with people. In my case, they were Shannon, Judy, my relatives, and their eternal love and care.

5. Acceptance. The hard one. I was still working on that -or trying to. How do you go about your day without falling apart? How do you wake up in the morning and not think about them without wanting to cry? How do you sleep at night? How do you stop the tears from falling down your face every second you think about them? Like I said before, it's hard. It's the stage where you supposed to have already learned the meaning of life, to be able to move on, but I didn't.

"Allys. You have to get out from here. It's no good for you to stay all day at home," said Judy with her sweet voice. She sat on the couch next to me, and I kept my gaze on the TV, even though I was not paying attention. "Let's take a walk and breathe some fresh air, shall we?"

"I don't want to go out. It's freezing outside."

"Come on! You've been in the worst places. I know you can handle some bloody air cold. Now, get dressed," she commanded after turning off the television. "We're leaving in 10 minutes."

She kissed my forehead before heading to her room. I've been locked in my penthouse since the reading of my parents' trust. I was still coping with everything, still trapped in stage five. I knew Judy meant well, and I knew very well that getting some fresh air was not a bad idea, so I got up from the couch and walked to my bedroom. I put on a white linen t-shirt, a red knitted sweater on top of it, and combined them with black jeans and Timberland boots before meeting Judy in the hallway.

"Ready?" she asked, and I nodded my head. "Grab your coat and put this on." I put my coat on and grabbed the gray beanie from her hands with a smile on my face. "What?"

I put it on and said, "You still remember that I don't get out of the house without a beanie on."

She smiled at me. "Of course, I remember. I remember everything about you".

I somehow felt guilty. I remembered things but forgot most of it because my mind was repeatedly thinking about the Army and how it changed me to be the person I was today. She still remembered that little thing about me, and I, unfortunately, forgot how thoughtful Judy was always to me.

I hid my hands in my coat pockets once we walked out of the entrance hall, the cold air hitting our faces. As we carefully walked down the snowy street, I observed a lot of giggly and happy kids playing in the park. Some were building a small and quite terrifying snowman -which made me smile a bit, and some were simply throwing balls at each other. An old memory passed through my mind. It was when I was back in the Army: it was the hottest day ever in Georgia. We just finished our training, and during our break, our drill sergeant -in need of a cold shower- gave us each one of us a bucket filled with water balloons. He said it would help us with the hot weather, which it did, and we also had fun.

"Allys, did you hear what I just said?" said Judy, interrupting my thoughts, and I turned my gaze to look at her. Her cheeks and nose were red because of the cold, and mine would probably be too.

"I'm sorry. What?"

"I said that it would be lovely if we go to take some coffee or tea."

"That 's a good idea."

We spotted a small but cozy coffee shop that was right at the end of the street. The place was full of teenagers drinking their milkshakes, young adults reading books, and businessmen with their expensive suits focusing on their screen laptops.

When we finished ordering our drinks, we saw two brown and available armchairs near the entrance. Judy sat across from me. "So...," she began saying, pouring brown sugar into his Chai Latte. "How are you feeling?"

She's been asking me the same question every week, and I always answered with a fake, "I'm fine." But today was different. "I feel odd, lonely as if I don't belong here," I sipped my cappuccino. "But I'll be fine, it just takes time to move forward. Just like with Jared."

She stared at me, and I looked away from her sympathetic gaze.

"Sometimes, I feel like I'm responsible for my parents' death," I kept going, this time whispering, but I knew she heard me well because she immediately grabbed both my hands. I felt a chill ran down my spine, or maybe it was because someone opened the door and let it open for a moment, the cold air entering the coffee shop until the barista closed it. Now I understood why these seats were available.

"How could you say such a hurtful thing like that?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "I just do."

"Don't you ever say that, okay?" she angrily warned me. "I don't approve that, and neither do your parents or anyone else that cares about you. It's not your fault, sweetie. Please, don't ever think that. It will harm you more, and I don't want you to suffer anymore."

"I'm already broken-hearted, Judy. There's nothing that can heal me anymore," I confessed, and I could see in her eyes that she felt sorry for me. I remembered hearing her cry last week in the middle of the night when I couldn't get some sleep. I didn't want her to understand my pain, no one did.

She looked at me like I was a piece of the puzzle that she's trying to fit with the others. She removed her hands from mine and took a sip of her tea. "There is always something, you just don't know it yet." We were silent for two minutes, enjoying the good hot drinks until she asked, "Do you have any plans?"

"I don't have any."

"Are you planning to go back there?" She meant going back to the military.

"Of course, it's an 8-year Military Service Obligation. I have to wait to be called upon if they need me."

"What are you going to do in the meantime, then? Are you planning to go to college? You can't just stay at home every day. You have to keep your mind busy."

"I honestly don't know. I haven't thought of that." We both knew that I haven't thought of anything other than thinking about them.

"Go to college," she encouraged me.

I shook my head no and looked at my cup. "I could stay home and help you do the tasks, or I could find a job."

I just wanted to stay home, but I knew Judy won't let me, so I figured why not find a job? I'd be distracted and do something productive.

"Oh, honey, I don't need help," she laughed. "Why do you want to work if you already have lots of money?"

"I don't want to depend always on the money. I have to do something. I want to earn my own money, and that's what I'm going to do until I'm 100% sure to go back there."

Money always brought happiness, but I was not that kind of girl who would spend all the money on something not worthy. I'd rather keep it for an emergency case.

She sighed and drank her tea. "You've changed a lot."

"What do you mean?"

"The Army changed you. Four years being away had changed you for the better, and I'm glad I could see it with my own eyes. I'm so proud of you, and your parents would be too."

I smiled at her. "Thank you. I missed it, though."

"Tell me all about it, I want to know everything," she said, excited. "You don't have to talk about him if you don't want to."

"I can talk about him. I prefer not to if that's okay with you."

She squeezed my hand. "It's okay, sweetie."