My heart is racing, beating as if it is a ticking time bomb. I just told my mother the other day Lucas is well and fine, when really I should have been preparing myself to ask her to come with me to identity his body. I knew the time would come, even though I didn't want to face it.

I don't want to see his lifeless body, but at the same time, it might not even be Lucas... This might all be a mistake. Just one huge mistake. I let my mind wonder about the likelihood of it and then try and shake my thoughts away. Funny enough, they don't go.

I look at myself in the long mirror in our bedroom. I miss wearing his baggy shirts, although they're not so loose on me anymore, with my big round stomach I can't fit into them. Instead I hold his shirt close to my face, imagining it to be his hand stroking my cheek instead of a piece of useless fabric. I have never thought I could want to see anyone, feel anyone, touch anyone, hear anyone or smell anyone, as much as I'm feeling right now. I've heard people tell me they 'ache to be with someone' and I've never fully understood it until now.

I try to sweep my long blonde locks out of my face but my fingers suddenly tangle within each strand. I tug the knots with force but none of them come free. I know I need to get myself together. For the sake of Lucas, and the sake of our baby. If it was just me I had to care for it would be a completely different story.

I pull my tired body across the bed and drag my swollen feet into the shower.

I let the water sprinkle over me, each and every drop bouncing off my skin and flying through the air and down the drain. I watch them. Each one goes in its own direction, on its own adventure. I wonder if the adventure carries on down the plug of my shower, or if they are all screaming and trying to avoid the dreaded dark hole. I stand up straight and awake myself from my pointless thoughts.

After showering I attempt to ring my mum, planning on asking her to come early, so I wouldn't have to go to the hospital alone. I stab the numbers into the phone, my fingers quivering on the tenth number. But I can't bring myself to press the eleventh. I have practiced my speech over and over in my head, feeling more and more nervous by the second, but I thought I could do it. I feel disappointed in myself. But I know there's always tomorrow.

I hug my phone to my chest, feeling my heart dissolve. My screensaver used to be a picture of Lucas, but I had to change it. I can't face looking at the picture of him, his eyes looking dreamy and his lips in a perfect pout. I just want to reach out and stroke his olive skin. But I know I can't.

I unlock the screen, ready to type a message to him. But I become suddenly distracted. My face goes from a gentle smile of feeling my baby kick to a crumpled face of confusion. I take three deep breaths and try to keep calm. I feel darts of pain spring throughout my body. I put my hand on my stomach and feel my baby kicking furiously, squirming and wriggling.

I roll over onto my back, trying to ease the pain. Beads of sweat accumulate on my forehead. I instantly feel exhausted, yet wide awake. Continuing my deep breathing I attempt to stand up. Carefully I put one foot on the fluffy carpet at once. The shriek that escapes from my mouth gives me a fright, only seconds later do I realise that it was me who made that terrifying noise.

I grab my phone and look down at my wet feet. "Ambulance! I think I'm in labour."

-

I wait around for what feels like forever, feeling lonely and frightened. Checking my phone and see that I called twenty minutes ago, and the paramedics still haven't turned up. The lady on the phone advised me to get into a comfortable position and try not to panic. The sharp pains are coming increasingly fast; I don't think it's possible not to panic. Especially when you're on your own.

I let out inhumanly noises, not caring anymore. I feel my lungs open wide as I breathe in and scream out.

I grab my phone and consider calling my mum. But I know there's nothing she can do, being thousands of miles away, I know she'd feel guilty and upset that she couldn't be here with me. Instead I scroll to Lucas's contact profile and begin typing out a text message, briefly stopping to rub my throbbing stomach.

I quickly press send as I hear loud knocking downstairs.

"Hello? Hello Alice? I'm Steven, a paramedic." I want to shout back, tell him to come upstairs, but the pain strikes again and I lose the power to speak or shout. I cripple over in pain, I hear doors roughly being pushed open and more shouting, although my ears feel as though they're full of water, I can't make out what is being said.

A few seconds later a tall lean man comes running through, his big black boots clonking on the floor as he runs with his big heavy looking bag. He throws the bag down on the floor beside me and crouches down to look at me properly. There's not much room, as I'm squeezed between the bed and the wall.

"Shall we get you up Alice? You don't look very comfortable down there."

I try to say yes, but a gargled grumble comes out of my mouth instead.

"It's okay; you're going to be just fine. I'm going to check how dilated you are and then we will get you to hospital." He puts his hands under my arms and helps to ease me up. I feel my legs buckle beneath me and thankfully Steven manages to catch me in time.

My head feels light and I begin to feel queasy. I start to close my eyes involuntary but they're soon jerked open by yet another stabbing pain. "Do you know how far along you are Alice?" Steven asks as he examines me.

I ponder on his question for a few seconds before I remember the answer and my heart starts to crumble.

"I still have three weeks left! He can't be coming yet! He still has three weeks of being in there--"

"Calm down Alice, you don't need to panic. You have gone into early labour but everything should be okay. Have you been feeling stressed lately? That can sometimes bring on early labour."

I try to think what to say to that question, but his alerted expression changes my thoughts.

"Okay Alice, make yourself comfy. I'm afraid we aren't going to be able to get to the hospital in time, you're nine centimetres dilated and this little one is nearly ready to make his grand appearance!"

Panic instantly sets in. I feel myself begin to shake, and then I see my phone light up. I feel relieved, thinking someone is calling me, and they're going to come and be here with me. Despite the hatred I feel towards my sister, I wish she was here with me now, holding my hand and sweeping my hair out of my eyes.

I pick up my phone, between deep breaths and squeals; I look down at the new received message.