Inexplicable saddness and rage fill me for no one reason i can find and are ever apparent within me so ive taken to adopting them into myself and who i am, even as grotesque as it may be i know not what else to drive me because i see now goals within me to strive for only alternate goals that lie outside myself and within others for which i wish to build them up and be proud that i helped someone and have pride in what theyve become and have pride in any that have done the same to me.  But betrayal is a fickle thing and someone who i held in my highest esteem for all my life, in a rough but honorable image, has turned to ash with my grief and anger and fade from my time but not my memories because they helped found who i must be yet i fear being myself, in fear that i will reform to the monstrosity that is my unfeeling and cruel mind, unguided by empathy and sailed with rage. I fear it, the small part of me mourns the gilded hopes i once had and dreads what will become of me as my mind fights within itself ever on