Song For The Chapter: Can You Hold Me by NF (listen to this song as you read lol)

SS3, First term.

"We used to be inseparable.
I used to think that I was irreplaceable."
- Selena Gomez.

TW: SADDEST CHAPTER IN BOOK 1

Munachi Odumba.

"Isn't it funny how your two weeks break turned into a two term break?" I pondered out loud with a sly smirk.

They called it SS3 extension, it didn't make sense.

SS3 extension? Why did we have to resume this early? Why did we just take a three week holiday instead of our annual third term, two months plus holiday?

Why did we return back to school in August instead of September?

Could've just changed the name, Ss3 extension. More like Ss2 third term prisonsion.

No Munachi, never say that again.

Other schools don't do this, every normal school starts their extension in Ss3 first term, not 3rd term Ss2!

Our Js3 extension started in Js3 first term, I don't know why she's just changing every thing.

I mean I understood it's purpose... I just mean... whyyyyyyy!

Why do we have to write the JAN/FEB WAEC and the schools mock WAEC exams?

I wasn't going to fail the MAY/JUNE Waec, none of us were... Especially not with the intense tutoring going on lately.

We even had NECO to look out for July...

And did I forget JAMB?

I didn't know the cost of being a senior was this expensive.

I want to be a junior again.

God forbid.

It's not even about being a senior or a junior, it's Emerald Academy with it's '85% of our SS3 students graduate with all A's' stats. Darrel and Darren's set had a 95% rate which was crazy because Emerald Academy has never recorded a D in any WAEC since the school's inception so that meant the lowest score the fewest minority got was C's.

"Munachi leave me alone oooh, leave me and my two term break alone oooh, is he complaining to you? No.. He likes it self, so let's just both stay on our own." Silvana answered my rhetorical question and dropped her book on our desk.

Jasmine groaned and picked it up for her, "Silvana read this thing finish biko, you know you're explaining to me in hostel ahh." she grumbled to her and I nodded in agreement.

Jasmine was benching with us this night, she's been benching with us since we all returned from our extremely long three weeks break.

Very long might I sarcastically add.

The Js3's had it easy, they're resuming next two weeks.. Principal Ojukwu was nice enough to give them a month and a week long holiday.

Super nice.

I mean, yes be biased principal Ojukwu, they deserve the holiday and we don't.

I understand why the school board came to that understanding.. It's not like we're all writing the same WAEC and NECO...

Oh wait. We are.

No... You're not.

Junior WAEC isn't the same as Senior WAEC.

Shut up!

Today was Silvana's turn to read and reteach, it was our group study method.

Someone revises during night prep and teaches after light out.

It was helping.. And no one in our dorm was complaining about it, everyone was busy reading their own books anyways.

"Guy, abeg I hate Civic with my life. Just bring back the damn social studies and erase this bullshit from existence." Silvana complained and as usual, I rolled my eyes at her.

"You know they are almost the same thing right?" I just had to remind her but she clearly didn't like that because she mimicked me, but I was nice enough to return a pinch as my reply.

"If not the exact same thing." Arthur suddenly said in front of us and I raised my head up from the desk.

"Hey, geez. Thanks for stating the obvious guys. How would I have ever known that they were in fact the same thing if not for the both of you. Thank fucking you." Queen of sarcasm slayed us and I giggled.

"You're welcome." Arthur my boyfriend of nine months replied with a smirk.

Our first anniversary was just mere months away, by November we would have been in a relationship for an entire year!

Silvana was about to deliver her comeback when Jasmine shut her up by shoving Silvana's book in her face.

"Too much long talk, concentrate."

••

I heard they were dating.

No one's confirmed anything. If they had, no one's told me anything.

But I see them.

The boy who would've once disassociated from display of public affection. PDA, the boy who would've just taken you to a toilet and fucked you.

But won't be caught dead holding a girl's hand.

Now takes every chance he gets to kiss her while grabbing her butt in public.

Rooney takes every chance to tongue kiss Elizabeth... Elizabeth whatever her surname is.

Does it hurt?

A lot.

Why?

Why what?

Why do you still feel entitled? What do you think you're entitled to?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

It just hurts.

I know I did it.

Did in the sense that I don't let Arthur kiss me when Rooney's around, especially the first few months after he returned.

But...

It just hurts.

Arthur and I are 10months in, the Ember months finally begun.

He's been doing a good job of pretending not to notice that Rooney and Elizzy has an effect on me.

But I don't know how long he can pretend.

••

There's a 'conspiracy theory' going around that Mrs Ojukwu made a bet on our set that we'd have a 100% all A's in the May/June WAEC and I was beginning to believe it.

This woman was figuratively about to kill us.

Our night prep ended 12:30 am and because of that we now ate breakfast around 9:30 am, there wasn't anything new to learn since we covered the light SS3 first to third term the entire August, but there was 'Academic Practice' 11:30am-1:30pm where the SS3 scheme was elaborated on by our teachers and 'External Exam Revision' was from 1:30-5pm. Mrs Ojukwu took it upon herself to regularly go round our SS3 floor and take attendance at random times, she could come 1pm on the dot today and come 3:09 tomorrow which made all of us on hyper alert and everyone stayed inside their classrooms. Our lunch was now 5pm which was just insane because surely it wasn't 'lunch' anymore but evening food, but the good thing though was the inclusion of a canteen on our floor at a really affordable PC rate and there was now these four huge vending machines that you just tapped a button and you'd get free drinks and pastry, it was an unlimited supply but as with everything free everyone got tired of it. Nobody starved the entire time. So 5pm evening food and then we return back to the hostel and the only time any body has to themselves is the hours from 5-7, just two short hours and that's if you're skipping lunch and going straight to the hostel like my friends and I were doing. We only had 2 hours in the entire day to ourselves and we shared the time with just bathing because Mrs Ojukwu also implemented an actual laundry service for only SS3's. You drop your dirty clothes in your personalized laundry bag that had your name and your room locker number inside a room and by the time you return from night prep, it's cleaned and ironed in your wardrobe. Dinner was by 7pm till 9 but Mrs Ojukwu put the Vice Principal in charge of the attendance so it was a bit lenient at night for us students since he didn't come randomly. He took his attendance 10:30PM sharp and then sat on the desk and seat he put in the middle of the stairway basically blocking anyone from leaving the floor.

With everything going on, I actually could believe that conspiracy theory because

Ah Ah!?

It's been an entire period of madness in this school and October's cold air gave me some reassurance that soon enough I'd leave this school. Soon enough, it'd be December.

But for now, I'm stuck here. Listening to Mrs Ojukwu's assembly speech. "I am proud of your set... You're all more serious than the last set, keep it up."

Ma we don't have a choice.

"I love how quiet everyone is when I'm on your floor for my regular daily attendance. I also love how you all understood why I had to end the dance classes you all did. "

That. The elephant in the room.

One major disadvantage of rearranging our schedule was that no where did Choreography fit in anymore.

Considering our set was the last of the first people who signed up. We were the last of the originals, Mrs Ojukwu decided to scrap the entire thing altogether.

We don't understand why.

I don't understand why.

I mean I do. But still why?

Why end it in our set?

Ebuka's set and Rooney's brothers set all wrote WAEC in this school and never did she cancel our rehearsals.

Never did she announce that 'they'll be no more of that breakdancing' we all did during events.

It doesn't hurt as much as it did back then when she made the announcement last term.

Then it really felt like I'd lost my identity....

And only Rooney could understand why.

Because we made that identity.

So it was understandable that we got close again, during the three week holiday, Rooney and I hit it off again.

First came the text message from him, how he got my number I still don't know...

I'm beginning to not know a lot of things.

I don't even know if he ever lost it...

But it started with the..

'Hey, Nigerian number. Want to talk about it?'

I shouldn't have typed 'yes' as a reply...

I shouldn't have even understood that message because I remember it looked confusing at first, an unknown number talking about some 'talk about it', it could have been a prank after all.

But I assumed he... I just... I just understood.

I understood.

Rooney and I never needed communication to understand each other. We just did.

I also shouldn't have answered the call that came in a minute later either.

But it wasn't wrong. I wasn't doing anything wrong and Arthur understood when I told him.

It was all understandable.

What wasn't understandable was why or how they're now dating.

Or why it now hurts.

I shouldn't care about their PDA, I was happy with Arthur and our anniversary was mere weeks away.

I've been doing a good job at pretending like all is well.

But I don't know how long I can pretend.

•••

We made it.

We pulled through and celebrated our anniversary. It was on Sunday, our rest day.

Saturday was not a rest day because we were compulsorily in school from 2pm-8pm, but at least no night prep.

Saturday was a partial rest day I guess.

Arthur went all out but all I could think about was how I could tell he was just over compensating.

The entire auditorium was decorated with balloons and flowers, bows and it was a surprise but you can't really be surprised on your anniversary, you know something is coming so when my friends blindfolded me from the cafeteria I just knew it was Arthur related.

He'd been really romantic, there was even an exact replica of the speaker I'd used after I followed the bee.

There was a crowd that gathered and before them all, he declared how the auditorium was the first place he saw me and that day was the best day of his life and one of the worst ones.

He announced that he decided a year ago, he'd never leave me again and in a whisper he whispered 'Unless you want me to' and it completely shattered my heart.

I knew I was doing something wrong but I'd been faithful, I'd been devoted and I just couldn't grasp what it was.

I just knew I felt incredibly guilty hearing that.

It did not help that Rooney's eyes never left mine the entire time. Everytime I looked away from Arthur's face and my friends faces was a lightskin who watched me like a hawk.

He watched me like he could see through me, like only he could see...

That I was no longer happy.

••|••

A year ago he returned. Night prep of a day just like this.

Rooney Edwin returned.

"You all have Civic on Monday right?" Mrs Ojukwu asked us all with a smile. She just finished taking her regular attendance.

Was this a pep talk?

I nodded along with Silvana, and our principal replied with a grin.

"Good! Beautiful! The school buses won't wait for anyone, to be forewarned is to be forearmed. "

The pep talk ended and she walked into another class.

Very short and unnecessary, a waste of our five minutes.

Arthur stood up from his temporary seat and stretched, he'd been solving physics with Segun.

Our eyes met and he slowly removed his gaze from mine giving me the fakest smile I'd ever seen.

••

"Finally, this useless February exam has ended." Williams muttered with a wide grin.

I giggled and noticed the school buses taking us back to school, weren't present yet.

I wonder why, because I really can't wait to crash on my soft soft, soft bed.

Crash and ignore the world.

This entire exam had been so stressful. But I felt better each day that passed because it meant it was closer to ending.

"Muna, look at them. Disgusting right?" Jasmine tapped my right thigh and I looked up from the floor and stared at whatever she was pointing at.

Time froze. Then resumed.

But in a slo-mo version.

"Finally baby, this useless exam's over!" Elizzy screamed and Rooney... Rooney smiled at her.

"Guy, I still don't understand. Are they dating or something?" Segun asked the question for all of us.. All of me!

And I noticed that Jasmine and I weren't the only people watching them.

Arthur, Nonso, Kenelum, Kenneth, Dominique, Segun, Williams and Silvana were all paying full attention to the scene I was witnessing.

With scowls... Except Arthur, he looked sad.

So was I.

She reached out and wrapped her two arms round Rooney's neck, before they started another one of their famous PDA kissing session.

"It's irritating." Silvana said.

"Very." Nonso added and I rolled my eyes at the awkward tension that followed.

Yes, we get it.

She slept with you and Silvana caught you guys...

Eesh.

This isn't about you guys though. It's about Rooney and I.

They were both irritating.

"He's just trying to move on. Give the dude a break. " Arthur defended... And our eyes met.

"And he decides to move on with her? Too stupid." Kenelum, the one guy who didn't want me with either of his friends... Actually sympathized with me, nodding his head slowly in some silent acknowledgement.

Slowly they all turned to stare at me too. No one said anything because they've been pretending like it wasn't something.

But I don't know how long they can all pretend.

•••

He's smiling more, smiling a lot now.

So he's in love?

He never smiled this much when we were together.

Another woman?

Is this something permanent? Would she always be with Rooney outside school, would he start posting her on his social media?

I hope not.

••

"It's not working out Muna, you're clearly unhappy and I can't pretend anymore like I don't know why. Let's just... Let's just end it? You want me to let you go so I will. I finally can. "

His words should've hurt, not the fresh memory of Rooney smacking Elizzy's butt while she giggled.

This morning in the cafeteria, moments before I lost my appetite.

"I'm sorry. " I whispered instead of rejecting his breakup.

I should've asked why. But I'm sure I understood why, just the same way he must've understood why I'm apologizing.

Instead I didn't even look up at his face from the strong guilt that immediately hit me after my words.

"Unfortunately for me Munachi, I can't even be mad at you. " His voice cracked, I should have looked up at his eyes. I should have held his arm and told him not to go.

To just.. to give me some time, I was..

I couldn't feel myself anymore and I just.. I just, I can't feel anything anymore. Nothing.

Nothing for me and so there's nothing for him anymore and I was so sorry. Absolutely sorry and it killed me.

But I didn't even say anything, I didn't look up. I just clasped my hands around the sides of my face, closing up my ears as I hunched downwards with my eyes closed.

There was a very loud silence that followed. For what felt like five minutes.

Words that were never said as I could feel his eyes on the back of my head. But neither of us said anything, then he turned and walked away.

He might have said the words but I know I ended us.

I ended us. Something so beautiful.

Please Arthur...

I just.. I can't feel anything, I still want to be with you and I'm sorry but I just. I just need some time. Please.

Please hit me, hit at my chest, I don't feel like my heart is working. I don't feel anything, nothing at all and it's killing me.

I just feel a heavy blanket of guilt and worthlessness.

Please don't leave me. Please Arthur.

Please.

I...

I love you, don't go.

Arthur I love you.

Please...

••

" Munachi, you're becoming Numb again and I'm sorry if it strikes a chord but it's the truth." Silvana once said while we were in our dorm.

I didn't understand what she was saying.

I wasn't becoming Numb again, I just...

It just hurts. I didn't want to lose Arthur and yet it felt like nothing I wanted mattered.

I didn't want to see Elizzy and Rooney, I didn't want to remember his deep gaze on me when Arthur talked.

I didn't want to see Arthur hurt, Arthur withdrawn. Arthur conflicted.

Nowadays he was smiling more and so it was worth it.

This was probably for the best but still it hurts.

"I'm sorry." I'd whispered back a reply, then closed my eyes again, but I'd already seen the tear drop from Jasmine's eye and that hurt too.

••

"It can't be the breakup affecting her. It's definitely Rooney and Elizzy that's paining her. "

I should've just walked away, because if I'd learnt one thing just one thing from Emerald Academy was that minding my business...

Should've never stopped being my motto.

But I didn't.

And only because I felt weak.

I was also so tired, the January exams, the Jamb, the May exams, Neco. Everything was weighing me down.

The pain... The deep hollow feeling in my chest.

So I stayed and let their words break me.

"Paining her Koh, she should deal with it and stop acting all these depressed drama she's acting. "

"I swear, when she was doing her own with Arthur nko, let the shit pain her. Just this small one Rooney's trying to be happy she wants to start slashing her wrists again like in 8th grade. She deserves this new transformation she's doing oh. It's just so funny that last last, after the useless couple goals all of them were dishing, Silvana oh, Nonso oh.

Muna oh, Arthur, Rooney oh, even Kenelum of all people... All of them have now broken up. The shit.. The shit. " She was gasping while struggling not to laugh.

"The shit ended in tears!" Her friends all echoed with laughter that completely sliced me.

I never slashed my wrists.

I never tried to kill myself.

I've never tried to.

The fake rumors were starting again.

Just like 7th grade.

•

•

"Munachi stop this. Talk to me please." Jasmine shook me and my textbook fell on the floor with a loud thud.

It turned heads in the cafeteria that night and I guess Chiamaka decided to unface me again because she was the first to yell out.

"She's Numb, she can't talk!"

More people yelled out words too in attempts to get the loud chorusing laughter Chiamaka had gotten, but I stopped listening so I didn't hear them clearly, I felt myself transport to the first day I'd publicly prayed in this same cafeteria for everyone.

Was it a request or a command from a senior? I don't remember, but I know Chiamaka had said those exact words before...

'She's numb, she can't talk.'

And it hurt then... Yet it didn't, it was like... Like I deserved it.

Mother didn't care about me... So why should anybody care?

Rooney didn't care about me and now neither did Arthur.

••

I don't remember anything....

I know I read but I don't remember anything right now.

I read.

I read this... I know I did.

I don't want to fail.

But it feels like I've already failed... Failed as a person.

•••

"NECO is just two days away and you're still doing like this, you're avoiding everyone Munachi! I thought I'd never see this side of you.. Please, stop, stop. Please."

Jasmine was crying, why was she crying?

My left palm was under her eyes and her warm tears felt weird...

Like.. Why is she crying.

I stared at her face and wondered, I wanted to apologize but this time...

I couldn't bring myself to say Sorry.

I just wanted to float away.

And dance.

••

𓆉 𓆉 𓆉 𓆉 𓆉 𓆉

🙂
Hey.