Tonight.

For the longest time I didn't have curtains in my room. considering that the window faced the backyard and that you could only see in my window when you stood at just the right angle, so I never really thought about it. I would change at night with my naked window as if nothing was wrong. But deep down inside I found myself hoping that someone would be hiding at just the right angle waiting to sneak a glimpse of me. It's weird how much i wanted to be obsessed over how much i wanted people to love me and tell me i'm pretty. I never believed who told me. I had been told that I was ugly that I was odd not only by abusers but by the people i thought and widely still believe are my friends. I remember sitting in my 7th grade math class and This boy Walked up to me and asked me out. Without even looking up she said dont say yes it's probably a dare. SO i said no, I had thought about it and no one really found me pretty. I was cosently a dare date, the freaky goth chic. I was amazed that a school filled with Preppy girls with scene sides, Straight laced jocks, Awkward stoners, cool edgy stoners, And scene kids. Had chosen to out cast a small goth girl. Although I admit it's probably because I had managed to run out of favor with the schools biggest and in my opinon closeted bully, the year before. She was a scraper and mean as the day is long she was one of the first and only friends I had met. She used to tell me I was pretty, but after our relationship had gone sour she became one of my biggest tormentors. I never saw her after 6th grade. I'd still see her sister around, she'd run up to me and tell me she missed me and she was wondering when i'd be back over. Soon I'd say in an effort to save her feelings. But I think it was deeper than that. I think deep down I hated myself and I suppose that I still do. That somewhere deep down I still resent the 6th grader that had ruined the things we had.