I'm here guys ❤️

~ADAM~

I was legit getting chills over and over again.

To think... God! I couldn't even bear to think about it.

How could we have... How could we have been friends for almost two years and we did not see this coming. How could she have laughed, joked and joked with us with things like that going through her mind?

How could we have made so many memories together with that much venom and bitterness in her?

How could she just hold still and be that terrible?

How? Just how? Because it made no sense to me. Aminah??

Terrible doesn't even cut it, doesn't sum anything up at all. Those entries, I couldn't believe it, couldn't wrap my head around it.
How could she like.... Was it even possible for someone to be that vile or was I missing something here?

I've read the entries, every single one that was sent to the group chat and I don't think I've ever read anything more heartbreaking.

Kunmi... The things she wrote about her... They were unfathomable. I could literally feel my heart sinking even deeper every time I read a new entry, feel myself tripping, could feel my heart literally threatening to burst out of my chest. From the first time she talked to her to the invitation her parents anniversary, to swim classes, to the choreography club to everything! Every single thing she had done had a very twisted, dark, demeaning and inhumane reason behind them.

Those entries were something Kunmi shouldn't be reading at all. She shouldn't see those things about herself. No one deserved to have themselves patronised like that. Absolutely no one and it was even by someone that was supposed to be her closest friend. The thought of Kunle or Sophia doing that to me was enough have my world threaten to trip over.

I couldn't even start to stomach that someone could be filled with that much bitterness, hatred, vileness. She was always happy, always smiling, she was always everywhere, she was someone nothing ever got to. I've always concluded that it was either she was too gullible, too nice or any other thing along those lines but I just never... I never thought it could be a facade, that it could be this type of facade.

Kunmi was who I was really worried about.

She was still nowhere to be found. One minute, we were together in the hallway with everyone scampering to leave the hallway and go to the auditorium for the morning devotion. When I could finally move closer to where I had seen her, she had disappeared.

Then I had to comb the whole school, the possible places where she could have gone to but she was just nowhere to be found. She wasn't picking up her calls and then, her phone stopped ringing all together. The fact that I did not know where she was, how she was holding up wasn't even something I could bear at all.

Just trying to imagine her reactions to each entry was a painful punch to my gut. To think she had been really worried about Aminah. To think that we were all worried about her. To think that I was starting to feel sorry for her... To think...

God! I couldn't even bear to think about her. Was everything and everyone really a joke to her? How could she even...? God!!! I had to force myself to stop thinking about her or anything that had to with her.

But my thoughts, having a mind of their own kept spiralling into various directions. I tried to think, tried to remember if there was ever a time when I had noticed something odd about her but I simply couldn't think of any thing.

She was too good at acting, too good at pretending, too good at making a fool out of everyone that it was incongruous. She never struck me as someone who could be that vile.

Makes me wonder if there was more to everything.

I got rid of that thought just as soon as it crossed my mind. She was someone I did not even really know. Other than being Kunle's girlfriend, Kunmi's closest friend and the other girl at our table, I knew absolutely nothing about her.

And knowing nothing about her was way better than knowing this about her.

                              ***********

The old block always smelled of stale air and still things but I couldn't even pay attention to any of that, couldn't pay attention to the echoes of my footsteps in the quiet hallway. I was still looking around for Kunmi... In all the possible places she could have gone to.

I just needed to get to...

I bumped into someone, fast and hard that I stumbled backward with so much force that it was through sheer that I did not stumble unto the floor.

"Hey, are you blind or..."

The person I bumped into started to say but she trailed off immediately at the same moment I looked up because of the sheer familiarity of the voice.

It was Sophia.

She backed up immediately she saw I was the one.

Her eyes looked red, swollen and puffy. She did not look like someone that had been crying. Instead, she looked like someone that had been trying so hard to keep herself from crying. Knowing Sophia, I knew she needed to be left alone at this point, just a word or two or any triggering conversation with anybody was going to send her tripling over her breaking point but seeing her, seeing how she looked was enough for me to get worried for her. Seeing her like this made me remember everything I had read in the diary about her and Kunle.

Oh God! Kunle!

"Have you seen Kunmi?" She was the first person that even spoke and I was really taken aback by how hoarse she sounded. She was just staring at me, her eyes giving nothing away. She was just staring at me blankly.

That made me remember the magnitude of the whole diary stuff again, the manipulation stuff, Aminah capitalising on Kunle's vulnerability because of his mom, the continuous manipulation just to keep him wrapped around her fingers, all because she did not like Sophia, just to spite Sophia. God! I actually shuddered just thinking about it. How did she even...? All these while, Kunle and Sophia had gotten into really terrible arguments because of her and she'll just sit down there, feigning ignorance when she had intentionally caused those arguments.

What... How exactly did she feel every time she things like that? Why did she even have to do things like that? Did people really just grow up to be that vile?

"Are you okay?" I asked her and I took two steps closer to her so I was standing directly in front of her. Because of how dark the corridor was, I couldn't really see her facial expression but I still couldn't miss how her lips quivered at my question and how she blinked thrice as if to keep herself from tearing up.

"Have you seen her? I've been calling her number but she's not picking up. I don't think she should be left alone with everything in the dairy and..."

"Sophia!" I interrupted, trying to get her to stop rambling. I moved even closer to her, stretched out my two hands so was grabbing her by her two shoulders. That caused her to look up at me and this up close, I could see the tears simmering on her eyelids. Just one more word and I knew she'd start crying.

"You should chill. Probably take a break in the school clinic or something. I'll talk to Kunmi."

"Everybody probably hates me now." She continued, as if she did not even hear what I just said. "I wanted to say something. All these while, I wanted to tell you guys what I thought about her but who was going to believe me? I was going to be called demented or desperate and I couldn't even do that to Kunmi, knowing just how much she likes Aminah and I couldn't even do that  to Kunle. It was the first time I felt he was ever truly happy with the whole issue about his mom. I didn't want to be the sulking friend who did not want him to be truly happy. I had no idea it was this horrible. If I knew, I'd have at least said something but now, Kunle doesn't even want to hear anything and I don't even know how Kunmi is feeling and I feel like this is partially my fault because all these could have been altered if I had at least said something. I don't..."

She kept rambling on and on, her words merging into each other and making absolutely no sense to me. She was wallowing in self blame and self guilt and I knew she was going to keep beating herself up, keep blaming herself and regretting what she should have done or shouldn't have done.

"Sophia!!!" I interrupted her sternly, forcing her to stop talking.  "It's not your fault. None of this is your fault so just stop beating yourself up. It'll be fine. Everyone will promise."

I wasn't even sure. I did not know if and when everyone was going to be fine. I've not even seen the both of them. I had no idea how they were both fairing. I could only imagine but even what I was imagining wasn't pleasant at all.

Her shoulders visibly slumped and her eyes started clearing up till there was no trace of tears left in her eyes and she shrugged my hands off her shoulders.

"Okay..." She muttered quietly. "You should go to her. I will..." She stopped talking again and she moved away from me. "Just go." She completed, dismissing me with a small wave of her hand and before I could even say anything, she was already walking away leaving only the echo of her footsteps as she walked further and further away.

I glanced briefly at her retreating back, feeling overwhelmingly heartbroken because of her, because of how everything had turned out before I turned back to continue looking for Kunmi.                

    *********

I found myself stopping in front of the old music studio. The whole building that housed the old studios and laboratories was used majorly as an annex and a storeroom for the new studios and labs except the old art studio that was just majorly used as my practice room. Students hardly come to the old block and I've never seen Kunmi come to the block by myself except those times we had come to the old art studios together. But seeing the fading red inscription on door, I concluded that the only place she could have come to was here.

I heaved a sigh for the umpteenth that morning before I raised my hand and knocked the door.

************
~KUNMI~

I shuddered visibly at the image in the mirror, feeling a beginning of mild repulsion and horrification at the image in the mirror.

Fat. Ugly. Horrible.

Fat. Ugly. Horrible.

Fat. Ugly. Horrible.

The words kept resounding in my head, kept repeating in my head, like a broken record till they were all I could hear, till they were all I could think of.

"Kunmi," punctuated by heavy knocks on the door jolted me out of my reverie and I hastily looked away from the mirror, unable to stand another second of staring at the image in the mirror.

"Kunmi, are you in there?" He said again, each words punctuated by a resounding knock that made me shudder at each knock. "Just open the door and let's... Let's talk, hmm?"

Let's talk, hmm?

Let's talk... Let's talk... Let's talk.

Let's talk?

I stopped.

What was he going to say to me? What was he going to say to me?

I did not think I was ready to see anyone, especially not after everyone in school had read those horrifying words about me, not after they were going to start seeing me that way.

Not that they weren't seeing me that way already.

But most of all, I wasn't ready to face Adam. I wasn't ready... God! He too had read those words about me. He too had seen everything my close friend had written about me. He saw everything... The details of everything. Things I've never and would never get used to.

He saw everything. God! How was I supposed to face him? How was I supposed to look into his eyes and see him? How was I supposed to allow him to see me like this?

I shrunk backwards, careful not to make a sound. I wanted to get away from the horrifying image in the mirror. I wanted to...

I wasn't going to see him. I concluded within myself. I wasn't going to face him. I would ignore his calls and knocks till he concludes I wasn't in the room, till he leaves. I was going to hide away till.....

The lock started making metallic sounds as if he was trying to open the door from outside and I was suddenly overwhelmed by a strange sense of panic as I remembered how I had barged in here.

I didn't lock the door.

I didn't remember to lock the door.

The door opened and Adam peeped in. He literally just stopped short when his eyes met mine and it took just that, it took just him looking at me like that for me to start feeling a calming effect, for me to start feeling relieved, for me to feel all my pent up emotions started to resurface so badly that I actually felt like crying.

Everything I was feeling did not still deter me from moving back. It was as if my foot had a mind of their own and they just kept moving back and even though, I liked the effect, the calming effect that his presence has on me, for the first time in forever, I wished he'd stop staring at me.

I wished he'd leave and the calming effect and peace that came with him would leave with him too.

Maybe I did deserve to feel like shit.

"Babe," He called out before crossing over to where I was in long strides and enveloping me in this heartwarming hug that felt like home, that lifted a weight off my chest, that unclogged the pressure in my throat and that allowed my tears to flow.

But even still, I couldn't hug him back.

***********

I wasn't sure how long we stood there, together, him hugging me and trying to console me while I couldn't stop myself from crying. It was like the reality and the impact of everything was just dawning on me. Like, the more I think about the dairy, the more I realise that everything, that nothing was ever going to remain the same. The entries, everything she had written in that dairy were things that'd haunt and scar me forever.

I did not know how I was supposed to grow through this, if I was supposed to grow through this. This sheer inhumanity, this sheer betrayal... It was like I was feeling the onslaught of everything over and over again and the pain I was feeling as I remembered everything was too overwhelming, too choking that I couldn't breath properly, that I couldn't do anything properly.

I couldn't... I just wanted to... I did not even know...

But Adam was here. We were now sitting down on one of the low stools in the studio. His left hand was intertwined with mine and he kept squeezing my hand at intervals as if to reassure me. It was working... I was feeling reassured, I was feeling that sense of peace envelope me even more. I was beginning to feel like I was cocooned in warmth. I was...

"No excuse, you know, I'm dragging you to the cafeteria today and you're not talking yourself out of it. You can sit with us."

"Oh come on, I choke on food too."

"I was really worried about you. I thought you might have lost your way or something and I kept calling but you did not pick up."

"No wahala, I'm not really angry. I still have lots of parties to invite you too."

I legit stopped breathing when I remembered how our conversation had gone when she confronted me about not attending her parents anniversary. She had played nice, acted like an angel that she did not even pick offence at my absence. She even told me she was going to invite to lots of parties with that kind of twisted mindset behind those invitations.

Chills... Chills were actually breaking out on my body. Thinking about it... Thinking about everything now made me shudder, made me kept shuddering till I had to subconsciously rub my forearm to create some sort of friction. I could feel the onset of a cold. I could feel my foot and my hand shaking.

"Hey... Are you...?"

"I'm fine." I interrupted, ignoring the his voice, his tone that was filled with worry and panic. I knew he was worried about me. From the minute, he had gotten here till now, I've seen how he had been looking at him, with his overly worried expression. He kept attempting to say something but I kept interrupting him. I wasn't... I did not... I couldn't even...

I just wanted to be left alone.

"Can you..." I faltered, my eyes fixed on our intertwined hands. There was a huge pressure in my throat, choking me. I was feeling a thousand emotions at once, indescribable emotions. I was feeling hurt, sad, dejected, betrayed. It felt like someone had taken a knife to my heart and the person kept turning and twisting it each time I remember another entry in the dairy.

This time, I could legit hear Aminah's words in my head. I could hear her saying those words, taunting me, ridiculing me. It was on repeat in my head and turned up to the highest volume.

Fat. Ugly. Ridiculous.

Fat. Ugly. Horrible.

How would she look in a swimsuit?

I remember how I had felt wearing that swimsuit, how I had felt so terrible, how I didn't want to come out, to allow other students to see me in it. It had been more terrible than the first time during gym. It was more horrible. The swimsuit looked more horrible on me. I had looked horrible but Aminah had been there, right by my side, telling me I looked okay, that I was beautiful, that, that, that...

But in her head, she had been mocking me, taunting, ridiculing me. She had been laughing at me while she had maintained a straight face, while she had tried to convince me that I looked like an angel while I looked like shit.

I was feeling like shit.

She looked horrible in a swimsuit.

Horrible. Fat. Ridiculous. Ugly.

The words were repeating themselves in my head again, like a mantra, like a broken record till I couldn't hear anything again but those words, till I couldn't feel anything but those words.

"Stop!!!" I screamed at nothing, jerking Adam's hand away at the same minute I pushed myself off the stool and I was standing. He stood up too and he started to walk towards me, as if to close the distance between us.

I moved back.

I found myself moving back.

"Can you please..." I choked back on the lump in my throat, then swallowed hard as if to push the imaginary lump away. "Leave?" I completed, my arms wrapping around myself as if to protect me from something.

Adam stopped short. He actually just froze, his legs coming into a standstill. He was staring at me, as if he was worried about me, as if he was feeling hurt for me, as if he was...

Horrified by me.

I moved back even more at that thought.

That wasn't possible, right? But everything was possible. Aminah happened. Anything could happen.

Anything...

Fat. Ugly. Horrible. Ridiculous. No one deserves to look like that. How can she go around looking like that? How can she live with herself looking like that?

The voices grew louder, more fervent, more urgent, more ridiculing.

I hurts to breathe. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to do anything. I wasn't even sure I was breathing.

"Hey, calm down, calm down!" Adam was suddenly in front of me and his two hands were gripping either of my shoulders. I tried to breath, tried to calm down by breathing. Him standing in front of me, his hands on my shoulders, his eyes intent on mine that I had to look away was anchoring me back to sanity, to safety.

"It's fine. It's going to be fine. I promise. Just calm down, hmmm?"

I blinked, once, then twice to stop the threatening tears from falling. His hands on my shoulders were squeezing them reassuringly. I opened my mouth, tried to say something but the lump in my throat was back, bigger and stronger that I couldn't even get any word out no matter how hard I tried.

"Look at me, Kunmi, look at me." His voice was surprisingly gentle and hypnotising that I actually started to look up and then, the voices in my head grew even louder, more fervent and even more urgent.

I couldn't...

"It's going to be fine. It's going..."

"It won't." I interrupted, shocked by how shrill my voice sounded.

He paused and his hold on my shoulders faltered a bit.

"You saw those things. You saw everything she wrote. How are things going to be fine? How are they..." I faltered before shaking my head. Deep down, I knew things were never going to be fine, that things were never going to remain the same again.

"People must be laughing at me right now. Everyone has read what my supposed friend had written about me and they'd always see me that way..." Not that they weren't seeing me that way before. "So, don't say things are going to be fine because they are not. She's my closest friend for crying loud sake and she... And she..." My voice kept faltering, kept trailing off. The huge pressure was back in my chest, caging my heart, making it hard, making it very hard to breath.

"Kunmi..."

"And she did that to me? How am I supposed to move on from this? How am I supposed to..." The tears, they were starting to fall again and I did not even make any move to stop them.

Fat. Ugly. Horrible. Ridiculous.

Fat. Ugly. Horrible. Ridiculous.

Those were the words my closest friend had written about me. Those were the most horrible and terrible words that has ever been said about me and they were written by no one other than my closest friend, the one person I was most comfortably with, the one person I had shared the most laughter with.

I remembered all the sleep overs, all the late night conversations, all the gists, all the shared jokes and laughter, all the care and attention all the outings, how she was always forcing me to go out, to socialise more, to step out of my comfort zone. I thought she was doing that because she cared, because she wanted me to be more comfortable in my body but...

It was all lies.

All shams.

There had never been a true moment with her. I never knew her. She was never my friend. And now, how was I... How was I to see other people? How was I to trust other people when the one person that taught me to always show up for my self was the one person who never liked me, who was repulsed by my presence, who nearly threw up because she couldn't bear to look at me.

God!

I couldn't breath. Couldn't do anything.

It was all lies.

"Kunmi," Came the persistent voice from the boy in front of me. I looked up at him to see his worried expression, to see his expression that screamed worry and anxiety because of me.

I was learning to know better than to trust what people were showing me.

I had learnt through the hard way not to trust what people were showing.

Who'd have thought Aminah, of all people would be the one to betray me like this? Would be the one to betray me in the most inhumane way possible?

It wasn't even a betrayal. There was never a friendship to begin with. If anything, it was a one sided friendship on my part.

A one sided friendship on my part.

Only God knows the number of people I've been in a one sided friendship with.

The thought made me shudder, made me feel panic start to built up in my body, made me jerk away from Adam and that caused his hands to fall limply to his sides. I watched as a frown started to form on his face and it was almost like he could tell what I was thinking, he could tell what was really going on in my head.

"Kunmi," He started again and he took two steps forward. I moved backward, I actually took three steps backward and that caused the booming frown on his face to deepen.

"Nothing is ever going to be fine." I started, the words I was about to say flowing to my head from nowhere. "Nothing is ever going to be fine. Nothing is ever going to remain the same. You're not the one who got betrayed in the most inhumane way possible by her best friend. You're not the one who... Who was described as fat and ugly and ridiculous and horrible in their best friend's diary. You're not..."

"You know that's not true." He interrupted, his voice gentle but firm. "You know everything she wrote about you were all lies, you know that..."

"I don't know. I don't know." I repeated, feeling too tired and overwhelmed with all the emotions I was feeling, the rage, the hurt, the pain, the betrayal. It was all too overwhelming that I just wanted to be left alone.

"You're not any of those things she wrote about you. Everything she wrote about you in that dairy is on her. However way she sees you doesn't change who and what you really are. It's..."

"And who and what am I exactly? See..." I pointed to the window adjacent us and he frowned before turning towards it. "That image in the mirror is what and who I really am. Fat, ugly and ridiculous and repulsive to look at. No amount of lies or fooling around with people who shouldn't even look at me would change that."

He turned away from the window slowly and he just stared at me blankly for a second before his expression gave way to a very confused one. He looked confused, as if he couldn't even understand what I was saying.

"Babe..." He started and that annoyed me. Endearments like that weren't meant for people like me. They were meant for slimmer, more people people, not fat and ridiculously looking people like me.

I tuned out the rest of what he was saying. I just wanted to be left alone. I just wanted to remain unseen and unheard. I wouldn't be feeling this betrayed if I did not have any friend in the first place. Infact, it was impossible to me to be betrayed at all if I did not have any friend.

If everybody had just left me alone in the first place, I wouldn't be feeling this low, this empty, this defeated, this horrible.

I just wanted everybody to leave me alone.

I just wanted to be left alone.

"I want to be alone." I interrupted whatever he was saying and he paused mid sentence, his deep brown eyes zeroing in on mine and staring deeply into mine as if he was trying to see something, to see things that weren't even there.

"You're not in right frame of mind to be left alone. Let's just talk and..."

"And feed me with more and more lies till I start deluding myself to be who I'm not and who I'll never be. I'm not interested. I've had enough with all the lies everyone has been telling me since I joined this school. I'm done! I wish everyone will just leave the fat and ugly and repulsive girl alone!"

He actually staggered back and a look I couldn't decipher crossed his face for the briefest moment before it was gone.

"Kunmi..."

"Just leave me alone... Why wouldn't everyone leave me alone? Why do you guys keep coming around and hanging around me when it's all lies and facades? Why would someone like you even want to be with someone like me? Why? Why? Why??"
I was beyond hysteric now and the words just kept flowing that I had no control over them. It was like I had to get the words out or I was going to fall down from the sheer weight of them.

If Aminah could do that... If Aminah could do that to me, how was I supposed to believe no one else would do that to me?

Adam just kept staring at me without saying a word, his expression blank and bleak. He wasn't saying a thing, he just kept staring at me and after a long minute, he drew back, ran his two hands over his hair and face before jamming his two hands into either of his trousers' pocket.

I got a clearer look at his face and my steps faltered. He looked hurt. He looked hurt beyond measure.

Fat. Horrible. Repulsive. Ugly.

Ugly. Fat. Repulsive. Horrible.

Aminah's voice was back in my head, louder, more taunting, more degrading. I couldn't stand anything or anyone.

"What are you talking about?" He asked, his voice chirp and too formal that it shocked me. He had never talked to me in that kind of formal way before.

It was too daunting but I wasn't even if the right state of mind to properly process anything. I was feeling too many things at the same time. I was feeling too many horrible emotions at the same time to process anything.

I just wanted to be left alone.

I needed to be left alone.

I was feeling tired, too tired. It was just really exhausting.

It was really exhausting, existing and living in this body of mine.

I was exhausted.

"Can everyone just leave me alone? If Aminah could do that to me, how am I supposed to be sure what's real and what's not? How am I supposed to know just how much I've been deluding myself all these while?"

I said to him. No, I did not actually say it, I screamed it and... and... and...

He did not nothing. He said nothing. He just kept staring at me. He just kept staring at me with so much intensity that was even making it even harder to breath, even harder to keep staring at him till it was an impossible task to keep staring at him that I had to look away.

He still wasn't saying anything.

The silence was hanging over us, pregnant and still with unspoken words. He was still staring at me, as if he was observing me, as if he was studying me.

It was almost like he was waiting for me to continue talking.

I couldn't even continue to breathe properly in his presence. There was still that echoes and voices in my head and they just kept growing louder and louder each passing minute.

I still needed to get away.

I needed to be alone.

I actually started to walk away. My foot started following each other towards the door. I just really wanted to leave everything and everyone behind.

I...

"Kunmi," That was Adam's voice again and it sounded lower, more urgent. It sounded more like a plea and I stopped walking.

But that wasn't even what made me to stop walking. It was his hand on my wrist. He was holding my wrist and when I stated down at the spot where he was holding me, I suddenly realized that he was holding my plump hand, feeling my plump hand in his.

I shrugged his hands off with so much force that it terrified even me. He staggered and when I looked up at his face, it looked like it had been cut open and stuffed with all the painful things in the world.

"You should just leave me alone. You guys should just leave me alone! It did not even hurt this much when I was alone but now, I'm hurting so much because... Because of everyone."

I walked away. I stepped out of the door without a backward glance.

I wasn't sure where I was going to but I knew I just couldn't remain in school.

And as I walked away, I wondered what it'd feel like to disappear.

I was sure that, at least, that wouldn't hurt this much.

**********

I was feeling cold.

Terribly cold.

I was at home. I had gotten home somehow and right now, I was lying on my bed and I couldn't stop shivering, couldn't stop shivering uncomfortably.

My duvet was covering my entire body, the heater was turned on and it was really sunny outside but that still did not stop me from feeling cold, from shivering and shaking too much on my bed.

The more the events of the day played out in my head, the more I shiver, the more I felt chills break out on my body, the more it hurts, the more it becomes even harder to breathe and to see because the tears were clouding my vision.

The tears wouldn't stop coming, the words wouldn't stop replaying themselves in my head, the pain wouldn't stop refreshing and my heart wouldn't stop hurting. It was like I was unlocking fresh layers of pain each time I remember everything.

Aminah.

She was always full of love and colors and sunshine and rainbows but she was actually... She was actually hiding something like this.

She could have left me alone. She could have felt that way about me but she should have just ignored me. Why did she have to become my friend? Why did she have to come into my life and completely shatter me like this? Why? why? Just why?

I hated the fact that we became friends.

I regretted meeting her, knowing her, getting close to her.

Remaining in Royal High and living that nightmare there would have been better than what just became my reality in Crescent High.

Another wave of cold hit me and it made me curl around myself even more. I could feel my body sinking. I could literally feel myself sinking into an abyss.

The strange and overwhelming tiredness was taking over till I couldn't even... I just wanted to sink deeper into that abyss, into nothingness.

I could feel my eyelids drooping.

"What kind of cold is this one that you're feeling when it's very hot? Can't you act cool like your friend and..."

I tuned Junior out. He was talking about Aminah. He was always talking about Aminah. He was obsessed with her but she wasn't even who she thought she was.

She wasn't what we all thought she was.

She was just a lying hypocrite and monster. A two faced bitch who was had been screwing everybody over since the beginning.

"Should I help you make hot tea?" He asked earnestly from where he was sitting on the floor adjacent my bed. I couldn't see his face because my back was to him but I could tell that he must be staring at me. He had barged me into my room immediately he got back from school to ask me to cook noodles for him but had faltered on seeing the condition I was and he also stayed back to give me, in his words, morale support.

"Abi, should I call Papa's cousin for you?" He asked again, his voice more earnest and jovial. I'd have smiled on a normal day but right now, even if I tried to smile, my lips wouldn't even stretch.

"Abi, should I..." I tuned him out again or I just drifted off because when I came back to, he wasn't in the room again and I wasn't feeling cold at all again.

In fact, I had to hurriedly throw away the duvet that was covering my body, had to turn off the heater immediately because I was feeling hot, too hot that I was boiling up.

I remembered everything.

How today, Aminah's birthday had turned out to be the most horrible day for me. Everything that happened today was a nightmare and I was desperately hoping that I'd just sleep and wake up and realise that everything was just a bad dream.

I caught sight of my phone laying down on my bed, the blue pouch matching the blue patterned bedspread and my heart sank.

It wasn't a dream.

It was real. It had really happened.

Every. Single. Thing.

One minute, I was staring at my phone, horrified at what it contained and the next, my phone was in my hand and I was turning on my data and opening our class group chat.

I was assaulted by the thousand of messages at once.

Everyone seemed to be talking, seemed to saying something. Everybody now had something to say. I skipped most of the messages, skipped the dairy entries I hadn't read. I couldn't bear to discover more things. I couldn't bear to get my heart more shattered.

Even though I really doubted if it was possible for my heart to break even more.

I kept scrolling, kept scrolling till I got to

Aminah😘 left the group.

  She left the group? But why? She can't stand people saying vile things about her when that's what she has been doing with everyone all these while.

Good thing she even left. This group is not meant for demons like her.

Can you guys just stop? This is so annoying.

Hmm? Ezekiel? Really? You're speaking up for Aminah after everything?

I'm not surprised. Ezekiel and Aminah are always running around with so much energy and vigor and they're always spreading love and light. I won't be surprised if it's all a cover up on Ezekiel's part too.

Well, since everything has happened, it's just a wake up call for people to know their place and not overstep their boundaries. I'm not mentioning names before y'all start coming for me 🚶‍♀️🚶‍♀️🚶‍♀️

My hearth actually dropped. Stopped. She did not need to mention names. I got the message loud and clear. I should have gotten the message loud and clear a long time ago.

But guys, wait oo, so Kunle's biological mom is a drug and sex addict?

Kunle left the group.

Queen Weirdo left the group.

I left too. Immediately.

I couldn't even stay...

And for a long time, I just sat there on my bed, legs drawn up to my chin while I kept staring into space, kept staring into nothingness while everything just kept replaying themselves in my head while my whole body kept burning up too badly that I had to force myself to stand up from the bed and to drag myself to the bathroom to shower.

I only wanted to shower but I found myself striping off my clothes and  walking towards the mirror in my bathroom. I stood inches away from the mirror so I'd be able to see my whole body.

I was looking at my whole body.

I've always thought if I peered closer, I'd see what Adam was always seeing in my body, in my face but right now, peering closer, looking intently, I realized there was nothing to see.

Except the stomach rolls that no tummy belt was going to hide, the ample flesh where it wasn't supposed to be, the flabby thighs, the plump hands. The stretch marks on my chest, breasts and thighs. The fat.

It was just fatness all around.

There was nothing to see except the fatness.

I looked away, suddenly feeling repulsed by the image in the mirror. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand to continue staring at that horrid image in the mirror.

I concluded within me that I hated mirrors and every other thing that showed reflections and I was going to avoid them.

Just like I was going to avoid every other person too.

I wasn't even interested in seeing anybody or allowing anybody to see me.

Fat. Horrible. Ugly. Ridiculous.

Those words were all I could remember, all I could remember.

Wonder how if this it feels to fade into nothingness.

Probably what rocks bottom looks like, hmm?

My Kunmi oo 😭😭😭💔💔💔💔💔 I'm feeling so bad and sorry for her. My heart was just aching and breaking for her as I was writing this chapter 😭😭😭💔💔💔

Do you think her outburst is justified? And how do you think Adam will react to what happened in this chapter?

I've said it before. Deep insecurities are like weed. No matter how much people believe in you, no matter how much they see the beauty and love in you, it's amounts to nothing if you don't believe in yourself, if you don't see yourself for what you really are. And no matter how much people love you, if you don't truly love yourself, you'll never be able to accept that love fully.

We're done here. See you soon ❤️❤️❤️