#PTG27 Chapter 27

Palakas nang palakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko habang hinihintay ko ang pagbabalik ni Anj. Panay ang sigaw ko na tumigil siya, pero ni hindi niya nagawang lumingon. She was adamant on getting Jax... and I knew that she wouldn't stop until he's here.

"Kitty..." mahinang tawag ni Deanne. She saw the struggle in my face. She was there. She saw how it all happened. "You need him. Don't be stubborn. Now's not the time to be stubborn."

Pilit akong ngumiti.

Puro pilit.

Kagaya ng pagpupumilit nila sa akin na maniwala na may pag-asa pa akong maka-labas dito... pero naglolokohan lang kami. Dahil alam naming lahat kung gaano kamakapangyarihan ang pamilya ni Kier. They would stop at nothing to get me in jail... Kagaya ng hindi nila pagtigil hanggang hindi maka-labas sa kulungan si Nathan.

"We don't even know if he'll come here..." sagot ko. "You know how he hates me."

Hindi agad siya naka-sagot. Pareho naming alam kung gaano ka-galit sa akin si Jax.

"It... It shouldn't matter. It all happened before. Iba iyong ngayon. Kitty, we're talking about reclusion perpetua! I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation!"

Huminga ako nang malalim.

"I understand. I do. I just... I just don't know how I'd get out of this mess... Or if I deserve this. Hindi ko alam. Naguguluhan ako."

Tumingin siya sa akin. "Makinig ka sa akin, okay? I know you. You didn't do this."

I looked at her, amused at how she thought that I was still the same person she knew years before. I was different now... I was more... jaded. I was well aware of life's harsh reality.

I was no longer a dreamer.

Reality slapped me hard.

"But what if I did?"

She pursed her lips. "Then we'll have to see if Jax still loves you. He'll have to find a way to get you out of here."

* * *

The police were pressuring me to give a statement. I remained mum... until I get a lawyer with me. Deanne wouldn't accept the case. She was a family lawyer. This wasn't her turf.

Ayaw din nila akong pagbigyan na makausap ang mga kaibigan ko. Deanne said that they're all outside, waiting for an update. Ang tanging gusto ko lamang ay ang makapagpalit ng damit. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi ako maka-hinga nang maayos tuwing napapadapo ang mga mata ko sa natuyong dugo ni Kier sa akin.

I couldn't believe how fast my life changed in the past hours.

Just last night, he was asking me to go on a vacation with him... and now, he's dead.

Ang bilis ng buhay. Masyadong mabilis. Hindi ako maka-sabay sa agos. Minsan, gusto ko na lang magpatangay. Kasi baka doon talaga dapat ako patungo. Baka doon, mahanap ko iyong kasiyahan na pinakawalan ko noon.

Baka doon, matahimik na ako.

"Misis, mamaya dadating na iyong prosecutor na assigned sa kaso mo. Kapag wala ka pa ring abogado, pasensyahan na pero itatawag na kita ng abogado."

Tumango ako. Maybe I could do this. I... I still studied law. If they wouldn't give me a good lawyer, I just needed to soldier on. I just needed someone to represent me...

Kaya ko 'to.

Siguro.

Tahimik na iyinuko ko ang ulo ko. Tahimik na naghihintay ng susunod na mangyayari. Alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi ako pupuntahan ni Jax... Galit siya sa akin. Galit na galit siya. But I wouldn't take it against him if he'd decline the case... I understand him. I'd always understand him.

This wasn't his burden to carry.

I wouldn't do that to him.

Today was the day. Lalabas iyong resulta ng BAR exam. I was waiting in front of the Supreme Court. I got flowers with me. Parang tanga. Kasi pinangako namin ni Jax dati na sabay naming aabangan iyong resulta.

Ang tanga kong umaasa na maaalala niya pa iyon.

Pagkatapos ng lahat ng nangyari? Ni hindi niya ako magawang tignan.

Naka-tanaw ako mula sa malayo. Nagsimulang magdagsaan iyong mga tao nang lumabas na iyong resulta. Tahimik akong nag-abang. Yuchengco. Mamaya ko pa makikita iyong pangalan niya.

I was quietly waiting for his name to appear when my eyes automatically drifted to him. Like they were trained to look for him... but my heart throbbed when I saw him with someone else.

He was smiling.

He looked... fine.

He looked whole; I felt broken.

I deserved this. I asked for this. Okay lang naman. Okay lang na ako basta 'wag siya. Gusto kong magpaliwanag, pero alam ko na hindi siya makikinig. Sarado na iyong isip niya pagdating sa akin.

I hurt him so badly. He wouldn't even look at me.

6598. Yuchengco, Juan Alexandro Castillano

Kita ng mga mata ko kung paano siya niyakap nung kasama niya. Mabilis na lumabo iyong paningin ko. Humigpit ang kapit ko sa bulaklak na dala ko.

Pero ang kapal ng mukha ko. Mabilis kong pinahid iyong luha ko. Nagawa kong lumapit sa kanya. Kita ko iyong paglaho ng ngiti sa mukha niya nang makita niya ako.

I slapped a smile on my face. "Congrats," I said, handing him the flowers. I promised him before that I'd give him flowers when he passed the BAR. I intended to keep my word. Kahit ito lang. Kahit sa dami ng pangako namin sa isa't-isa, kahit ito man lang matupad ko.

His eyes mirrored the anger that he felt. He wouldn't accept the flowers. Natatakot akong tuluyang tumulo iyong luha mula sa mga mata ko.

"Tanggapin mo naman," pilit kong sabi habang inaabot sa kanya iyong mga bulaklak. Pilit akong ngumiti na para bang kayang pigilan noon iyong pagbabadya ng luhang kumawala.

The girl he was with looked at me. She had pity in her eyes. Tama siya. Nakakaawa naman talaga ko. She quietly excused herself. 

Hindi ko maialis iyong tingin ko sa kanya. Gusto kong abutin iyong mukha niya at hawakan. Gusto kong magmakaawa. Ulit. Paulit-ulit. Baka magbago iyong isip niya. Baka tanggapin niya ako.

"Ang lapit mo... pero parang ang layo mo pa rin..." mahinang bulong ko. "Tanggapin mo na lang 'to... Aalis na ako pagkatapos," pagpapatuloy ko. Hindi pa rin siya gumalaw. "Congrats. Lawyer ka na."

He wouldn't say a word, but his stares were enough to say all the words that remained unspoken.

"I told you to never appear before me."

His words.

Sharp as knives.

They plunged into the deepest part of my heart.

"I just want to give you these," I said, still handing him the flowers. Pinilit ko ang sarili ko na maging matatag. Kahit sa harap niya lang. Dahil alam ko na sa oras na mag-isa na naman ako, mararamdaman ko lahat ng sakit. Madudurog na naman ako. Paulit-ulit. Hanggang gustuhin ko na lang na mawala.

"I don't want anything to do with you. Tanga ka na ba ngayon? Bakit hindi mo maintindihan?"

Nabigo ako.

Nagsimulang tumulo ang luha sa mga mata ko. Pilit ko silang pinunasan, pero mas mabilis sila.

"S-Sorry. Gusto ko lang naman na tuparin 'yung pangako—"

"You broke my heart before. You can a break promise."

Ipinikit ko ang mga mata ko. I deserved this. I did this to him. I turned him into someone... like this.

He snatched the flowers from my hands, and then looked at me. "I'll remind you again. Ayaw na kitang makita. I hope this is the last time you'd show your face," he said before he went back to the girl he was with.

I hope she knew how lucky she was.

I hope she'd take care of him.

Ramdam ko iyong luha sa mga mata ko. Ni hindi ko magawang iangat ang ulo ko dahil sa takot na may maka-kita sa akin. I promised myself that that night was the last time that I'd let myself be that vulnerable... but every time I'd remember him, I kept on failing.

I still feel the pain.

Mere memories of him were enough to make me feel that familiar ache.

But when the door swung open, my heart began to beat erratically. Mabilis na umawang ang labi ko. Mabilis na nanginig ang buong sistema ko.

"Kausapin mo na 'yang kliyente mo. Mamaya dadating na 'yung prosec," sabi ng pulis bago mabilis na isinarado iyong pinto.

Hindi ako maka-galaw.

Hindi ako maka-hinga.

Gusto kong tanungin kung panaginip ba 'to...

Kung siya ba talaga iyong nasa harap ko.

Parang biglang bumagal ang oras. Hindi ko maialis ang mga mata ko sa kanya dahil sa takot na baka bigla na lang siyang mawala sa paningin ko. Gusto kong tumayo. Gusto kong lumapit. Gusto kong humingi ng tawad.

Ang dami kong gustong gawin.

Baka wala na akong oras.

Hindi ko alam.

His jaw was dangerously clenched. He wasn't looking at me. I could see him breathing deeply. I knew he was just forced to be here. He just won against Congressman Ramirez. Tapos... nandito na naman siya ngayon.

Realization dawned on me.

"I want another lawyer," I said.

I began to remember hearing Jax's name in hushed conversations. I remember how the whole Ramirez family hated him for winning the case. Ang daming sumubok na abogado, pero si Jax lang ang nagtagumpay. I always knew he was brilliant... He dropped the criminal case and pursued the civil case. It cost the Ramirez family millions in damages and reparations.

His eyes darted on me. Muling nag-igting ang panga niya.

"Didn't you hear me? I want another lawyer," I said through gritted teeth. I'd rather rot in jail than to have him killed. Natatakot ako sa pwedeng gawin sa kanya. Ayoko. Ako na lang. 'Wag siya.

Jax loosened the tie he was wearing. He didn't move. He kept a distance between us.

Binuksan niya iyong pinto sa gilid niya. Akala ko ay susundin niya ako, pero nagulat ako nang humingi siya ng bagong damit. Ayaw siyang pagbigyan, pero nagalit siya. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin.

I didn't know this Jax.

I couldn't recognize him.

He threw the clean set of clothes on the table.

"Magpalit ka. Bilisan mo," sabi niya bago mabilis na lumabas sa pintuan. Naiwan ako na naka-tulala, hindi alam ang gagawin. Nang bumalik siya, hindi pa rin ako gumagalaw. "Gusto mo bang ako pa ang magbihis sa 'yo?"

Nanginginig ang mga kamay ko na nagpalit ako ng damit. Inilagay ko iyong sa evidence bag na inilagay niya rin sa lamesa. Nang bumalik siyang muli, iniabot niya iyong lalagyan sa pulis na naghihintay sa labas ng pinto.

Muli, binalot kami ng katahimikan.

"I—" I began, but I was quickly cut off. Jax stood right in front of me, his eyes boring a hole into my soul. My chest tightened—the mere sight of him was enough to render me speechless.

"They're building a case of parricide against you," simula niya.

"I want another lawyer," ulit ko.

He placed his hands on the table. "Your fingerprints are all over the knife," sabi niya, pagbabalewala sa sinabi ko.

"Hindi mo ba ako narinig? Gusto ko ng—"

"No one's accepting your case. Do you think I want to do this? I'm just here because Joey forced me," marahas na sabi niya sa akin. Parang muli niya akong sinampal ng katotohanan na ayaw niya akong makita. Na kahit ilang taon na ang lumipas, ganoon pa rin katindi ang galit na nararamdaman niya para sa akin.

"I'll get a public defender. I don't care. Basta hindi ikaw."

Kita ko kung paano unti-unting lumalalim ang paghinga niya. Kung paano nag-iigting sa galit ang panga niya. Kung paano tila bumubuga ng apoy ang mga mata niya.

"Mrs. Ramirez—"

"Don't call me that."

"You are Mrs. Ramirez. You married him, remember?" he asked, his eyes staring intently into mine. "Listen to me. Outside is the whole Ramirez family. They want you dead—not behind bars, but dead."

Ipinikit ko ang mga mata ko.

Better me than him.

I didn't have anything to live for, anyway.

"I know."

Itinuwid niya ang tayo. Tumalikod siya sa akin. Ramdam ko pa rin ang tensyon sa na naka-palibot sa kwarto. Kita ko sa pagtaas-baba ng mga balikat niya. Muli niyang niluwagan iyong suot niyang necktie. He rolled up his sleeves. And he put his glasses on the table.

"Save yourself, Jax. Leave. I'm good as dead anyway."

Umiling siya. Nag-aapoy ang mga mata. He's not my Jax. He's so different now.

"No. The fight hasn't begun yet," he said, placing both his hands on the table as he stared right into my eyes. "Now, tell me what happened that night."