Sadelle

Lunch time came and I ate in the cafeteria alone. Not that I cared or anything, this is usually how things go for me. Well, with recent events, this has been my new routine. At half past one, we had our Wika, Kultura, at Lipunan class. The whole session was dedicated to group presentations. My group was even part of the groups reporting for today. Then, when the clock struck three, the bell rang.

My classes for today are all over.

Thank goodness. I was starting to feel that today would never end, or at least being in one room with Lizzy would jumpstart the suffocating eternal rewinding of events from earlier. She never spoke to me after what happened at the experiment, and why the hell would I bother initiating another conversation with her?

All thoughts aside, I roam my gaze around as I was waiting in the cafeteria near the stall I bought a shaved ice dessert from a few days ago.

My tote bag was lying on the table as I was scanning the whole vicinity. It's already five past three and I'm still not seeing him, or a hint of his shadow. He better not stand me up, I know where he lives. He best believes I'm going to wreak havoc in his place of residence.

I continued looking for him as I looked at the other students in the cafeteria. Some were going in groups, others in pairs, and there were others like me, alone. They were either buying stuff, or are occupying a table with their friends discussing things I couldn't pretend to genuinely care for.

Then, I see a familiar figure emerge from the staircase behind, from the back of the cafeteria. There he was, with a backpack hoisted behind him and was walking like he's having his own runway.

Walk faster, Vice President. I want to be in contact with my book again.

His gaze was scanning the whole area and stopped in my direction when he saw me. He paused for a second, before heading in my direction. Though obviously, what is originally a ten-second walk would take him more because apparently being part of the student council makes you a celebrity of some sort, and other people greet you everywhere.

"Uy, Yuan! Ano'ng sports mo sa Intrams?" a male student who seemed to have emerged from nowhere asked him.

"Frisbee at Soccer, ikaw ba?" he replied, engaging in a short conversation.

"Soccer at Basketball," the guy replied and Yuan chuckled.

They high-fived each other because of the one same sport they're going to play next week.

"Good game in advance, pare," Yuan adds and they laugh before the guy leaves ahead of him.

Before he could even take another step, a group in front of my table, called his name and greeted him. He gave them a wave and nodded at them, before finally reaching my table and removing his backpack placing it beside him.

"Are you running for office?" I queried as he sat in front of me.

His brows furrowed at my question.

"Ha? Bakit naman?"

I fought the urge of rolling my eyes and decided to ignore his question. "Nothing. So, where's my book?"

He blinked, a bit surprised by my opening statement. "Grabe," he started. "Wala bang formalities man lang diyan? Baka gusto ko muna'ng kumain, 'no," he appealed and it was my turn to crease my brows at him.

"Then, eat later. Ano ka, toddler?" I rebutted with annoyance lacing in my tone.

"Nakaka-ilan ka na sa'kin, ah. Senior mo pa yata ako, eh. Where's my respect, Miss..." his words trailed like missing train tracks as he seemed to have cut mid-air not knowing what to call me.

I checked the time on my phone. "Not your concern. Again, just give my book so we can get this over with," I reiterated, not straying away from my purpose.

He nodded. "Okay, Miss Not-My-Concern, thank you for your interest in my book. Kaso, hindi 'to sa'yo. Akin 'to, Miss. Ako may-ari nito. So, sorry, wala akong ibabalik sa'yo." He replied being the aggravating creature he is.

"Nuh-uh," I replied, almost immediately. You will not escape me, goon. "I paid for that book. I own it, and you stole it. So, the solution here's quite simple: you give me back my book," I put it plainly.

He chuckled at me before shaking his head, as if disagreeing with me. "Miss, I don't know if you remember, but I actually saw you before. Sinungitan mo ang isang kasamahan ko sa council n'ong tinanong ka niya kung pwede bang maki-share ng lamesa. Ano 'yan, trademark mo?"

"What kasamahan?" and why is he going out of topic?

"Iyong kasamahan kong - actually, nevermind - mukhang 'di mo rin naman maaalala. Pero, trademark na ba 'to? Wala kang pake sa iba, basta ang gusto mo ang masusunod?" he asked me one more time.

"Hey, Yuan dela Torre, you might be the college council Vice President, but I couldn't be bothered, not even to the bits of it. The only thing we're going to talk about and that's happening today, is I'm going to take my book back. Is that clear enough for you or should I simplify it for your slow-signaled brain cells?"

"Well, thanks for the concern but so far, my neurons are firing optimally," he counterattacked as he gave me a smug smile.

"Goodness. Do you have to drag everything out? Ibabalik mo lang naman ang libro ko. Ano, aabot pa ba 'to ng next year?"

He paused, seeming to observe my reaction before leaning a bit closer, still with adequate distance from me. "Why are you so interested in my book?"

"Correction, it's mine," I argued.

He flung his hand in the air, dismissing what I said. "Yeah, delusion is a tough place to be in, Miss Not-My-Concern. So, back to my question, why are you so interested in my book?" he queried, emphasizing ownership over the book.

Libro ko nga 'yan. Ikaw ang delusional sa ating dalawa, eh.

I was about to answer when I noticed the group in front of us looking at our table, they seemed to be talking about something with one another. One of the girls seemed to be eyeing me head-to-toe.

Returning my gaze to Yuan, I replied: "You know what, it wouldn't take you a minute to give me my book back. Iaabot mo lang naman. You don't have to keep on wasting my time. And speaking of delusion, don't you think you need a mirror for that? Since there's only one delusional here, and it's obviously not me..."

"Having taken the time to figure out my name and position, you're one to talk about wasting time. Besides, how am I wasting your time if you took the effort of your own time to search about me? Ikaw, ah, Miss Not-My-Concern, pinaglalaanan mo na ako ng oras kahit bago pa lang tayo magkakilala."

"At kung hampasin kaya kita? Why has our topic taken a detour when the main purpose of this meeting is to get my book, which you stole," I replied, emphasizing his role as my book thief.

"Sagutin mo muna tanong ko: why are you so interested in my book?"

Exasperated, I had no choice but to answer since he's not letting this one go."First, it's mine. Second, what relevance it has to me is none of your business. Are we done? Can I have my book now?"

"Kalma, Miss Not-My-Concern," he retorted with that annoying nickname for me. "Ako naman muna magsasalita. First, I know you paid for this book but it's all just a mistake. Hindi talaga dapat 'to napunta d'on sa book cafe. Isa pa, this is the second most important thing I own so, no can do, this remains in my property."

My gaze shifted towards the table in front of us again and saw that some students passing by were also giving us curious looks. Goodness. Does being a student leader in this university equate to being a celebrity? Get a life, ninnies.

I looked at Yuan, who was waiting for my response, and thought to myself: Eh. He's not all that. All the attention probably comes from his position, that explains it better.

"Second most important thing lang pala sa'yo, eh, balik mo na sa'kin 'yan. That's the most important thing I own right now." I persuaded him.

He chuckled, as if finding my argument ridiculous. "Ano 'to, pataasan?" he shook his head again. "Hindi puwede. Sorry, Miss, pero akin ang librong 'to. Bumili ka na lang ulit ng iba."

"Again, I bought the book. Meaning to say, it's mine. Whether you call it a mistake or not, its ownership now lies in my name. Kung ayaw mo naman pala ibenta, dapat hindi mo binigay d'on sa book cafe," I reasoned with him because I have no plans of letting this thievery slide.

He may have been its previous owner, but I bought it, so it's mine now. It just irks me that this was the person whose thoughts tickled my fancy. Or...he might not be the one who wrote those annotations? They could've been already there when it was still his property.

Yeah, that seems plausible to believe.

He opened his mouth, then paused for a second. Looking unsure how to explain what he's about to say. "Miss, hindi ko naman dapat 'to sasabihin, pero personal 'tong libro na 'to sa akin. My thoughts are in here, which you would have already known if you read it..."

His thoughts are in the book?

Oh, good heavens. Then, is his mind  capable of such intricacies? Maybe it only occurs during certain occasions, most likely under intoxication?

I looked at him once again, in disbelief of the realization in my mind. 

"Ikaw? Seryoso ba?" words I couldn't stop myself from sprouting out of my mouth.

He blinked a few times, not expecting my answer and raised his left hand in the air as if insulted by my question. "Parang ang hirap paniwalaan para sa'yo, ah. Lakas mo rin, Miss," he responded.

"You mean..the annotations are yours? You wrote them? Your brain produced those realizations and wrote them?"

"Ayaw maniwala? Oo nga, kaya akin 'tong libro. Humanap ka na lang ng iba," he dissuaded me from getting my book back.

"Nuh-uh," I ignored his suggestion. "There's no other way to settle this but with me getting my book back. It might have been yours, but it's time to part with it. It may be a mistake for the book to end up in the book cafe, but clearly it's a sign that the book wants a different owner."

He laughed at me, as if genuinely amused by something I said which caused more students to look at our direction. "Ayos ka magsalita, 'no. Kung pag-usapan natin yung libro, mapagkakamalan na anak nating nasa korte tapos pinaglalabanan natin yung custody. Lakas. Parang pang-pelikula. Baka movie buff ka?"

Who knew a book with great information would bring me much disruption?

I gave him a stern look, almost feeling my eyes getring narrower with the intensity of my stare. "Dami mong sinasabi. Save that for your council. Give me my book, and I don't care what else you say, I'm getting my book." I declared with finality.

"Miss, talagang hindi ka madala sa pakiusap 'no?" he queried as if expecting an answer from me which I gave none. "Fine, just so you know the truth, this book is personal to me because of one more thing..." a pause followed after.

What seemed to be the longest pause that existed enveloped the two of us. What is it, then? Why can't he still give me my book?

He sighed, after debating with himself for quite some time. "The writer..." he paused once again. "I know him. Tito ko ang nagsulat nito, kaya importante sa akin ang libro."

Not expecting his response, I wasn't able to give an answer right away. I looked at him for a few more seconds and saw that he was just waiting for me to reply. Something inside me calmed down, as if curing my satisfaction of knowing who the previous owner is, and alongside the book's author. However, something felt off. Does this mean I won't have the book again? After all the trouble I went through with it? That's just...it?

I remained silent, not knowing what to say. Rather, not wanting to say what I know I should say. The people surrounding us, the students in the adjacent and separate tables, the ones ordering at the stalls, and those just walking past us, they all seemed like blurry figures from my vision. All the noise I was hearing was slowly getting lost in the echoes of my thoughts.

The cafeteria's still alive with the noise coming from different people laughing, talking, and even arguing.

Despite all this, my thoughts kept on echoing one sentence in my mind. I don't even understand why I'm this affected. It's just a book...but why am I immensely drawn to it?

Let it go.

I shrugged the thought off of my mind again. No. Why should I? I already had it, why do I have to give it up?

"Miss?" Yuan asked and I snapped back to my senses.

I shook my head, which garnered a confused look from him. "Okay..." was my only response.

He didn't move a single inch. "What okay?"

I heaved a short sigh, having no choice but to say: "You keep your book. It's just right," I answered, defeated.

Slowly, he nodded at me and gave a ghost of a smile. "Ah, iyon pala. Salamat sa pag-intindi, Miss..." he paused mid-sentence again.

Giving him one last look, I cleared my throat. "Sadelle."

He smiled, a bit wider from the one earlier. "Thank you, Sadelle," he mentioned before hoisting his bag over his shoulder and informing me he has to leave as he still has an appointment to go to.

A weak nod was all he got from me until I saw him leave the table and walk back to the staircase he came down from earlier. His back was facing me as I watched him walk farther and farther until he turned left to the staircase and I lost sight of him.

Why do I feel this affected with a book?

Feeling weirded out, I decided it would be best to head home right away. Besides, some students are still looking at me and I have no time to entertain their gossiping minds. I grabbed my tote bag, walked the opposite way and was planning to exit through the SEC Mall exit which is just straight ahead of the cafeteria.

On my way out, I walked past some students idling sitting on the benches beside the walkway. I continued walking and near the exit with the turnstile gates, I saw a group of five people with their belongings laid down on the table and occupying two benches facing each other.

I realized who they were. One of them was Lizzy, and none of them saw me. I saw Lizzy laughing heartily with them as one of the boys was telling a joke. They were all entertained by what he was doing and were adding more statements, agreeing with him. I watched Lizzy playfully slap the girl beside her as they looked at each other and the girl said something which made them laugh more.

It feels...weird.

I'm looking at someone who used to be in my position.

I was the one who was always with her. I was that girl. Now, she's...replacing me. She's slowly turning out to be Lizzy's Sang, which was something privileged for me before.

Things are changing fast, and it's not even an issue of me keeping up with these transitions, but the fact that these changes seem to be removing me out of my world - seemingly being erased from the small chapters I indulge myself in being written.

I gave both of them one last look as I thought to myself: if not to be her best friend, would she still consider me, perhaps, as the second most important person in her life?

"Useless thoughts," I caught myself whispering as I shrugged the thought out of my mind.

There's no use questioning things that don't ground in reality. This is just my frustration with the book talking. I'm just disappointed I had to give it away. No more, no less.

I went on and walked straight to one of the turnstile gates before walking out of the university.

The day ended with me arriving home at a quarter to five, headstrong with my decision to finish my Calculus assignment and do all in my power not to think about the book in any way tonight. So far, I am doing well.

I checked my phone and saw that it was already twenty past ten. I was done making my assignment, even doing an advanced reading in General Chemistry,  skimming notes from another subject of mine, and watching one episode of an American TV series.

Still, my mind was in a haywire.

Why is it still not out of my mind?

"The book's not mine anymore. Goodness. Why am I still thinking about it?" I frustratingly asked myself.

It's done. It's out of my life, so it should be out of my mind by now. What is wrong with me?

Binigay ko na, kaya dapat ayos na...

"Okay na. Wala na sa'kin. Can I stop thinking about it now?" if someone would've heard me talking to myself, they might think of something else but this is my way of calming myself down.

What's supposed to calm me down is not even working in the slightest bit right now. Okay na. Tama na. I've already let go of the book. Can I have some peace now?

Then, unknowingly, a sound got my attention. Someone was sobbing. Seconds after, I felt my hands getting wet.

My sobs seemed endless as what started slowly, increasingly became loud as I felt myself crying nonstop and all my tears seemed flowing from the bitter memories of my mind.

I wanted to stop myself, but my tears seemed to have their own authority. Stop, I ordered them. They told me, shush. It was a never-ending game of who's the boss?

My tears just kept falling uncontrollably. I was in my room, alone, with no one else in the house, crying almost all the tears I have in my eyes and I don't even know why.

Am I losing my sanity? Who cries this much because of a book?

I had parted with it already, but why does it still haunt me? Why can't I let go of it?

"Ling..." the name stubbornly escaped my mouth and with a short pause, another batch of tears was flowing down my cheeks.

I don't have my best friend anymore. I lost her, and I've already accepted it. Why does it still torment me, then? Why does the reality of her finding another friend, who might be her new best friend, still follows me?

This has already been cleared up: I don't care anymore...

For what seemed like the longest time, I sat on my bed, knees folded close to my chest, and my hands covering my face as I kept on crying with my laptop still turned on beside me. I stayed in the same position even after I finished crying and when I heard a notification from my laptop, signaling me to charge it as it's about to lose battery, that's when I decided to turn it off and place it back on my study table.

Possessed by an unknown feeling in me, I grabbed a pen and notebook from my tote bag and went back to bed before I started writing.

In my own story, I decided how things go
Might even say that I was better off solo
Vain to other people, in me she saw a glow
Eager to have befriend me, she approached me slow

Really, who would have known I'd meet such a fellow?
Yet, in her, I found a sister I would follow
Surely, my appreciation for her would show
Or did I destroy our friendship for her to throw?

I stopped writing in the middle as I physically felt myself incapable of finishing this poem. I wanted to, but it seems as if the ink itself won't flow. Feeling myself getting drowned in my emotions, I decided to place my pen and notebook back in my bag and let go of the thought that I haven't finished it yet.

Maybe, it's better unfinished...

Figuring out that my mom might not be home until midnight, I decided to turn the lights off my room and go to sleep - still feeling this stabbing pain inside me that feels as if I'm being stabbed over and over again, with increasing intensity with every passing moment I ignore how I feel.

Just like how I grew accustomed to ignoring pain, the following days passed like a flash blinding enough to make me aware of its presence, but weak enough not to indulge more care from me. With each day passing, I was present in my daily life but it felt lacking. I was there, but I seemed to dilly-dally through the days.

I felt something different in me.

I keep on getting the feeling that I want to do something but could never decipher what I need to do.

With the sun rising, a new day dawned on me. It was a new week, and the start of a new day. Coinciding with this, a decision has formed in my mind.

I prepared myself before going to the university for the first day of Intramurals with only one person in mind: Yuan dela Torre.

- -