Trigger warning!!***

*Dan's POV *

It sucks being in love with your best friend and knowing that they will never love you back. At least that's how it feels for me. I've been in love with Phil Lester since we first met in 2009.

He gets me. He's so amazing and kind and compassionate. But he can never know I feel that way about him because I don't want our friendship ruined.

I should be happy with what I've got. I wish I wasn't so selfish.

I start to cry into my hands. I'm sitting on top of my checkered black, grey, and white bed. I just feel so useless. I'm a terrible person. I shouldn't feel this way about Phil, he's my best friend and I'm putting our friendship in jeopardy by feeling this way. I can't help it, though, I've been in love with him for so long and I've always been ok at keeping my feelings for him a secret, but lately it seems harder and harder to obscure them.

I groan and put my knees up to my chest while rocking back and forth. I'm sobbing really hard but I try to keep

It as quiet as possible since it's 2 am and Phil is sleeping. After a while, I look over to my bedside table where I know I can find a razor.

I haven't cut in a long time and it's mainly because of Phil. He keeps me safe from myself and my thoughts. I'm so pathetic! I need Phil so much and he doesn't even know how much I actually depend on him. It just hurts too much.

I reach over to my bedside table and open the top drawer. I look around for a bit until I find what I'm looking for.

I feel like shit. I start crying which makes me feel even worse about myself.

I take the razor and take out one of the blades carefully. At this point, I'm crying hard sobs and I'm starting to get a headache. I put the blade in my left hand and look at my right wrist.

I take a deep breath and feel the cold metal on the inside of my wrist penetrate the skin.

It's just a small incision, not deep enough to do anything but it makes me feel a bit better. It takes all the pain from my life away for a bit and concentrates it on the cut.

Why do I have to be so useless?! I think to myself and start to cry harder. I hold my wrist and rock back and forth again on my bed. I didn't even realize when my door opened.

"Dan? What are you doing awak-" Phil stops and I could see through my screen of tears that he was looking at the blade in my hand and then at my wrist.

"I'm sorry," I say through tears. "I'm such a failure!"

Phil rushes over to where I am and sits down on the bed, making it sink under his weight. He then puts his arms around me and hugs me gently, one of his hands in my hair to comfort me.

"Shhhh, Dan shhh, it's ok. You are not a failure." Just the fact that he's here makes me feel better but at the same time worse because he has to see me like this.

"You are an amazing person and you are so caring and kind and funny. Don't ever feel that you are less than that because you are so much better. "

I put my head in the crook of his neck and grab onto the front of his shirt. After while I manage to get my tears under control until I finally calm down.

"Thank you, Phil. I don't know what I would ever do without you."

"I'm always here for you Dan, whenever you need me. Don't forget that." He says, pushing back and looking at me with a sincere smile. He then turned serious.

"Just please promise me one thing." He says.

"What is it?"

"Never do this to yourself again." He says taking my wrist gently.

"Ok, Phil. I promise." I say.

After that, Phil took the razor with him to his room so that he could throw it out.

I got into my covers and fell asleep fast, tired from all the crying I had done.

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Hey, guys!!! So I'm really excited for this PhanFic, I've been thinking about it for a while now and I'm glad I'm finally starting it! Constructive criticism and comments are always appreciated. Thank you!!!! <3