Malia

"What do you mean I'm screwed?" Jasper says, sitting up in a panic.

"I mean if she hasn't reached out to let you know she is okay, then it's probably over. If it were me, I would try to initiate some kind of contact to make sure everything was truly okay." I say, frowning because he looks like he's gonna be sick.

"Don't fucking sugar coat it Malia." He hisses, standing to pace the room.

"I'm sorry, did you want me to sugar coat it? Because I thought you wanted a friend. Friends don't lie." I can feel the anger bubbling to the surface. I knew this was a bad idea.

Actually, you lie a lot. An omission of truth is still a lie.

"I should go." I say, standing from the bed and walking towards the door.

"What? No!" Jasper says quickly, blocking me from opening it.

"Jas, this was a bad idea. I shouldn't be talking to you about girls. I'm not- I can't be that person for you." I push his arm, trying to get to the door but he won't budge.

"Okay no girl talk. We can talk about anything you want, as long as you let me play with your hair." That award winning smile knocks me back a few steps, and I'm stunned at his request.

"What?"

Jasper takes a step forward, reaching out to grab a handful of my hair. His fingers slide easily through it and I suck in a breath at his close proximity.

My nerves are shot to hell today and this is the day he chooses to be close to me like this?

Why? Why cruel world?

"Your hair. I used to play with Blair's all the time. It calms me. Please? We don't even have to talk if you don't want to. Just don't leave me in here alone to my vices."

I instantly think of him in here getting himself off and I know my cheeks are flushed. The thought is unwanted and unwelcome in my mind. Especially right now.

Damn you Blair for putting this in my head.

"What's wrong?" Jasper asks, stepping closer to me and laying a hand gently on my shoulder.

"N-nothing."

His eyes search mine, looking for some kind of clarity but I refuse to look away and show him how weak I truly am.

"What do you say?" Jasper asks, as a smile tilts the corners of his lips up.

I say you should kiss me right now.

"Okay." I say.

Jasper takes my hand and pulls me over to his bed. I sit in the floor in front of him and close my eyes as his fingers rake through my hair.

"What's on your mind Malia?"

Jasper is twisting and pulling my hair in every direction and I wonder exactly what he is doing. It almost feels like a braid, yet not.

"Home. Life. This Box of Sin. My mom. School. You." I slap a hand over my mouth, realizing I said all of that aloud.

Great. Just fucking great.

Jasper ignores my comment about him and I'm thankful. I don't think I can even look him in the eye now.

"Tell me what's on your mind about home?"

Jasper's fingers rake through my hair again, this time massaging into my scalp and calming all of my tempestuous thoughts.

"I'm tired. It's the same old story and I'm ready to walk away." I want to be mad at myself for letting this information out, but I'm not.

"Me too." Jasper whispers.

I can't believe he would ever want to walk away from what he has here. Especially when I would give everything to be here in this family instead of my own.

"What about life?" He asks.

His fingers are still massaging my scalp and I have to stifle a moan because it feels so damn good. I could fall asleep to this.

"I don't want to live it anymore." I say quietly, hoping that he doesn't freak out at that admission.

His fingers still and I know it's coming.

"Malia?" Jasper asks.

"Hmm?"

"Promise me that if it ever gets too hard and you feel like you can't go on, that you will call me. Promise me." His voice is hard and steely, and I know he's absolutely serious.

"I promise." It's quiet for several moments before I add, "I couldn't ever leave Blair no matter how bad it gets."

Jasper's fingers resume moving in my hair, this time brushing through it repeatedly. I lay my cheek on his thigh and take a deep cleansing breath. His scent covers me and I feel safe again.

"As far as The Box of Sin, it's not exactly as bad as B makes it out to be- but I will say this, don't pick truth and no matter what, don't chicken out of your dare. Hopefully, you will get picked for someone else's dare and then you will be exempt from picking your own."

That doesn't calm me at all.

Picked for someone else's dare? What does that even mean?

"Thanks. That doesn't really help though." I sigh, and Jasper shivers underneath me.

"That kinda tickled." He laughs.

It's quiet again for a while and my eyes are closed as Jasper continues to play with my hair. As he piles it all on top of my head, I feel myself drifting away to somewhere else. A place I try to keep hidden.

"Will you tell me about your mom?" Jasper asks after he's finished piling my hair up and starts brushing through it again.

"I've already said too much." I whisper, lifting my cheek off his knee to turn and look at him. "You know more than Blair. Please don't tell her. If she knows what it's really like for me, she won't want to be my friend anymore and I need her."

Jasper stares at me in wonder. The left side of his lip tilts upward with a smile he's trying to hold back.

"I don't think that's possible. If I didn't know for a fact Blair isn't a lesbian, I would say that you were her secret crush."

I blush and turn my face away again. I don't want to talk about secret crushes. Not even a little bit.

Jasper's fingers curl back into my hair and I sigh from the pleasure it brings me. No one has ever touched me like this. So softly and intimate. It isn't helping in my case of not falling for him. If anything, I am falling more.

"What's going on at school?" He asks.

"Exams. Placement tests. College. It's stressful."

Jasper tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and his fingers linger there. The heat from his fingers send shocks straight to my core.

If only he would lean down and kiss me, this moment would be perfect.

"What colleges did you apply to?"

I don't want to answer this either. I'm sure Jasper applied to some kind of fancy colleges, but I can't afford those. The truth is, I haven't applied to any. What is the point when I can't go anyways?

"What colleges did you apply to?" I counter, hoping to stray from this intensely personal conversation.

"Dartmouth, Penn, and UGA." Jasper says, laughing. "Depending on which one I get in, I guess that's what I'll do with my life. And don't tell anyone, but I also applied to Juilliard."

I open my eyes and turn around immediately. I thought I knew everything about Jasper, but this- I knew nothing about this.

"Music or performance?"

"Music."

That one word pierces through me and I'm lost for words. Music. Jasper. Music and Jasper. Not at all what I was expecting.

"I had no idea." I finally say, patting his leg like he sometimes pats mine.

"No one does. It's my deepest secret. You're the only person I've ever told." He's staring at me and I can't help but look down at his lips. I feel the urge to lean forward and press them against mine. "I write songs. Would you like to see some of them? I can't play them for you, because my guitar isn't here, but I can show you the lyrics. Maybe another time I can actually play them for you."

I nod.

"Where is your guitar?" I ask, swallowing.

"It's in a storage building. I go there once or twice a week and spend hours just playing and writing songs. I don't have high hopes for Juilliard, but it's always been a dream. I can take you there sometime."

My mouth drops open. When did things between Jasper and me change so drastically? Here he is telling me his deepest secret yet I can't even bring myself to tell him anything. I'm going to rectify that right now.

"My mom is an alcoholic. I spend most days cleaning up her vomit and making sure she gets something to eat." I swallow again, suddenly nervous that this will change everything.

Jasper pulls me up and into a hug. As his arms wrap around me and I'm covered in his scent I start to cry. I've never even said it out loud before, and somehow just saying it was like lifting a large weight off my shoulders.

"Fuck. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. No wonder you didn't wanna talk about it. Just so you know, I didn't tell you about Juilliard because I was looking for answers. I told you because I wanted you to know."

Jasper's breath is hot on my ear and I shiver in his arms. Little bolts of lightening are racing through my body, straight to my stomach.

I grip him harder, willing the tears to stop flowing.

"I feel like such a jerk." He says, running both of his hands over my hair and down my back to grip my waist.

"Don't. I'm glad I told you. I've never told anyone that before."

Jasper steps back and pushes me down to sit on his bed. He takes a seat beside me and rests his hand on my thigh. It feels oddly intimate.

"Just so you know, Blair won't judge you, and she certainly won't walk away. In fact, it might help her out in ways to know this about you. You're more in common than you think Malia."

Another tear rolls down my cheek and Jasper reaches up to wipe it away. I lean into his touch and wish that it could always be like this between us.

"How do you know that for sure?" I ask, completely unsure about everything in my life right now. There's no way I could deal with loosing Blair.

"Because her birth parents are addicts. Didn't she tell you this?" Jasper questions.

"She hasn't said a word about them to me. I guess she doesn't trust me. It feels kind of shitty being on the other side of that." Another tear escapes and Jasper quickly wipes it away.

"Maybe she's waiting for you to open up first." He says gently.

It's quiet between us for several moments. Jasper pulls one knee up on the bed and turns to face me. His hands cradle my face and he stares deep into my eyes.

"What's bothering you about me?"

I was wondering when that was gonna come up.

"I just- I don't know what you want from me Jas. Things have been different between us for a bit now and I don't know if I can be what you want me to be. It's been on my mind since you started picking me up. Sometimes, it's all I can think about."

Jasper nods once, letting go of my face and standing up from the bed.

"Maybe you should go back to Blair's room. Maybe this was all a huge mistake. If you don't want to be my friend I understand, but that's all I'm asking you for... just a friendship."

I stand and walk out the door, turning at the edge.

"I'm sorry Jas, I just can't."