Momma: talking to mom* I take my eye off the ball for one minute and I've got one kid in a coma, one with a black eye, and you running a crime ring!
—————————————————————
The cops closing in be like...
🎵🎶 Bat fam, batfam
Whatcha gonna do? 🎶🎵
🎵 whatcha gonna do
When they come for you? 🎶🎵

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When Mom asks if one of you could hack into a supervillain's mainframe computer while she's on an off-planet mission...

Ty [on the Comm Link]: I don't know what to do. You're normally the person in charge of these situations.

Me: Well, not while I'm hanging off a train!

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Me: *struggling to disarm motion-triggered, exploding handcuffs with a lock-pick*

JJ: *swiftly removes his handcuffs once the henchman leaves the room and starts working on mine*

Me: What th-

JJ: Remember when you called me a "nerd" before? Get ready to apologize.

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Me: *blocking the entrance to the house* Ty, you are no longer part of this family.

Ty: But I lived here.

Me: So did a possum in the rafters.

-------------------------------------------

Me: Mary, I owe you my life, my riches, my firstborn

Mary: Your pets?

Me: Not them

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Momma: Re-evaluate you life decisions and keep an open mind

Me: My mind is so open that a lot of bad thoughts are coming in.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

When you finally go on a date with that mysterious person your friend thinks you should date...

A person: Just tell me a story from your life that highlights your unique personality.

JJ: I once spent a year without touching a door knob.

Until his friend broke him out of wherever he was at the time using an override code that expired at midnight.

-----------------------------------------------

*After giving momma a status update*

Mom: *on the Comm link* I'd take my comms out, too, if I were you. She sounded mad

Ty: *click*

Wade: *click*

Me: -Tt- *click*

Everyone knows when momma is angry you should probably leave.

---------------------------

Mission debriefing...

Momma: *scrolling through the previous night's news headlines on the computer*

Me, Ty, JJ, and Mom:

Momma: *sighs*

Ty: What could we do? It's not like we could just walk into a criminal enterprise and start looking around.

Me, Ty, JJ, and Mom: *erupt in obnoxious laughter*

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The cops: *closing in on them*

Me: This is the part where a plan would be useful! Please tell me you have one.

Ty: *holds up a finger* Please hold. *cocks both guns*

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Me: *yelling over the commotion while dodging bullets and beating up criminals* I'm dying to sing "Under the Sea" right now, but I'm not, so there, maturity!

--------------------------------------

Me: *crying* I can't believe I have no one.

Ty: Now, now, Jay. Who needs a significant other. Girls and guys come and go, but you'll always have your family.

Me: *cries even harder* Ahhhh!

Ty: *also starts crying* You're right! You're right!

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Dropping me and Ty off at school...

Momma: *wipes away tears and sighs* Your first day at your new school.

Mom: Ty , have fun.  Jay, don't!

(Mom just doesn't want me to end up expelled like she did. (Also, are you sure you want Ty to have "fun" at a place full of conspiracies, mom? Also-also, you know that my idea of fun is scouring the library for classics, right?)

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Ty: *hurriedly putting on her assassin outfit* Jason, JJ could be seriously hurt or worse! We have to do something!

Me: You're right. *grabs the remote* Let's watch TV.

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Mom: *looking at old photographs with momma* They used to be so cute.

Me, Ty, JJ, and Wade: Used to?

Mom: Hn. Deal with it.

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Mom: I mean, yes, I threw you into the deep end when you were a child, but you learned how to swim on your own.

Me: You're turning abandonment into a recipe for successful parenting?

Mom: You can't argue with success.

Oh, the beating you would've had if momma had caught you, mom.

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JJ: *trying to remotely hack into the facility's security system* I prefer certainty over risk!

Me: *cocks his guns and kicks the door open* And I prefer not to die in a closet!

--------------------------------------------

Shawm: *lights a cigarette* First, the good news.

Momma: *perched on a gargoyle* Hn.

Shawm: *takes a drag* Your son isn't locked up in jail.

Momma: *cocks an eyebrow* And the bad news

Shawm: Your girlfriend and Ty are.

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Mom: Have I ever told you that you're my favorite?

Me: Moooommm. Come on!

Mom: I think instinctively you must know...

Me: I mean, it's like...

Mom: I mean you've gotten away with everything...

Me: *giggles* Mom, you don't have to say that...

Mom: You'll always be my little bo–

Door: *thud thud thud*

Mom: *muffled* Jason, get up. It's time for patrol.

And it had been such a nice dream, too.

--------------------------------------------

Me and JJ: *wounded, out of weapons, and crouching behind crates as armed henchmen close in on them from every corner*

Me: *grins*

JJ: Jason, "I could take out those guys" isn't a plan.