Luke's POV

After leaving the airport, we drive to the hospital to see my mom. I want to see her immediately and make sure she's doing okay. I'm worried about her, and even though everyone keeps telling me she's okay, I won't believe it until I see her.

The car ride feels like it takes forever. I anxiously chew on my bottom lip and constantly ask if we're almost at the hospital. Everyone is getting annoyed with me, but I can't help it. I need to see my mom.

After about half an hour of driving, we finally make it to the hospital. I want to go in, but at the same time, I don't. I stare at the plain, gray building that is all too familiar.

"Are you ready to go see her?" Calum asks, turning to look at me from the front seat. My dad and grandparents look over at me, none of them saying anything.

I'm suddenly hit with a bunch of nerves at the thought of being here and seeing my mom. I was anxious before, but it feels like all my nerves decided to attack me at once.

I take a deep breath. "Yeah, let's go."

We follow Calum to the front door and into the hospital. I recognize everything vividly from the amount of times I was here last year. Everything I tried so hard to not think about all this time is creeping back into my mind. The hospital, especially this one, holds a lot of horrible memories for me. When I left the hospital for the last time months ago, I vowed to never return. I knew I wouldn't be able to do that, but I wasn't expecting to be back within a year. I feel my breathing start to quicken with each step I take through the corridor.

"Wait, just give me a sec," I say quietly, leaning against the wall.

"What's wrong?" my dad asks nervously.

"It's fine, I'm fine. Just a little panic attack. I'm okay, I promise." I focus on my breathing and try not to concentrate on my racing heart and shaking hands.

Panic attacks can frequently be triggered by places that they've occurred before or places that remind someone of having a panic attack. Of course, one had to be triggered now. I was nervous enough to see my mom and now this just had to happen.

"Do you need anything?" Calum asks.

I shake my head. "No, no. I'll be okay. Don't worry," I say, quietly.

I sit down in the hallway since my legs are somewhat shaky and lean my head against the wall.

"Hey, Dad? Do you think you could go see her first? And tell me what kind of condition she's in? Just so I know what to expect," I ask.

My dad hesitantly nods. "Yeah, of course."

"I'll stay with Luke. She's in room 602," Calum tells my dad.

My grandparents and dad leave to go see my mom. Calum sits down beside me and looks over at me with sad eyes.

"Anything I can do?" he asks.

I shake my head. "I just need to relax. I know how to handle it now."

"Alright. You're mom was doing pretty well earlier. If that makes you feel better."

I smile and nod. "She knows I'm here, right?"

Calum nods. "She was really happy when I told her."

After a few minutes, I calm myself down. It didn't get too out of control, thankfully. My dad and grandparents come back, and I'm actually ready to go this time.

My dad tells me that I don't have to be too worried. She is just tired, less talkative, and more pale. She's attached to some machines, which I expected. Even with my dad's reassurance that I'll be fine, there's still some butterflies in my stomach.

"Can I see her alone? Do you mind?" I ask my dad. I feel like I should do this alone. I haven't seen her in such a long time, and this should just be between us.

"Not at all. We can wait in the cafeteria."

"Okay, thanks. See you in a little."

Calum leads me up to the correct floor and points me in the direction of my mom's room.

"Are you sure you wanna do this alone?" Calum asks.

I nod. "I can do this. I'll text you when I'm done."

"I'll stay right in this waiting area if you need me, okay?"

"Alright, thanks."

I walk down the sixth floor hallway and stop at the second door on the right. My mom's name is on a yellow piece of paper that's taped to the door. I run my fingers over it and slowly step inside.

Once I take a few steps into the room, I see my mom lying down in the hospital bed. Her eyes are shut, and there's a faint beeping in the room. There's a few cards on the table beside her bed. There's a picture of her and me from a few years ago too. Other than that, her room is just like every other hospital room. There's a small TV, a window with a bad view, and a lot of medical equipment. I quietly take a few steps towards her bed, and she opens her eyes and turns to look at me.

"Hi, mom," I say quietly, smiling.

"Luke, hi," she whispers, a small smile spreading across her face.

I instantly start feeling my eyes fill up with tears. I quickly rub my eyes and sit down in the chair that's next to her bed.

She slowly reaches her hand out to me, and I hold it gently between both of my hands. Her arm is a maze of tubes and IV lines. Her hand feels cold between mine.

I'm not sure what to say. I don't want to ask her how she's feeling, and I don't want to just have a normal conversation. What do you say to your mom when she has cancer and you haven't seen her for months?

My mom is the first one to talk. "I'm sorry," she whispers, a small tear falling from her eyes.

I shake my head quickly. "No, no, no. This isn't your fault. Don't be sorry. It's out of your control."

"I'm sorry it had to happen this way. I should have told you. I should have-"

"Mom, I'm here now, and that's all that matters. You have nothing to be sorry about," I tell her, my voice breaking slightly.

She smiles faintly. "I couldn't have asked for a better son. I missed you so much."

If my heart could shatter, it would. She could have had a better son. If I wasn't so anxiety ridden and depressed, she would have told me right away. If I didn't get overly angry, she wouldn't have been afraid to tell me. If I was a better son, I would have been here from the start. I wouldn't have been in America, I would've been here right when she found out. But I wasn't.

I instantly start crying. I thought I'd be able to hold it together, but I can't.

"I promised myself I wouldn't cry," I mumble, wiping my eyes. I start hiccuping and try to catch my breath.

"Come here," my mom says, slowly reaching out her arms and moving over on the small hospital bed. She pats the space beside her and smiles kindly.

I laugh a little through my tears. "I don't think I can fit."

"Sure you can. C'mon."

I slowly lie down beside my mom, somewhat squished in the small bed. My legs are too long and hit the edge. My mom smiles and wipes a tear from my cheek.

"You're not my little boy anymore," my mom whispers.

I laugh quietly. "No, not really."

"I missed you," my mom says again.

"I missed you too. I wish I could have been here sooner for you."

"It's okay. I've been doing alright, really."

"Mom..."

She coughs a little. "I mean it. I haven't been doing terribly."

"You can tell me the truth. I want to help."

My mom lets out a shaky breath and starts crying. She can't even get any words out. I've finally stopped crying, and now she starts.

I frantically grab some of tissues and hand them to my mom. I haven't seen my mom cry this much in a long time. She cried a little when I left Australia and when she left America. She even cried some of the times I was in the hospital. But I don't think I have ever seen her sob like this. I'm not sure how to comfort her, so I just hold onto her hand and let her cry.

"Sorry, sorry. I'm just so emotional lately," she says once she's calmed down.

"I understand. You have a lot to be emotional about. We can talk about everything later, okay? I don't need to find anything out now."

My mom sniffs and wipes her eyes. "It's just a lot sometimes. I'll be okay though."

"That's what everyone keeps saying. I know you'll be okay. Now I'm here to help you along. We'll be alright." I'm not so sure though.

I look around the room and notice all the medications written on the whiteboard. I remember when I would be here, I would always try to erase one of the medications that was written down. I would obviously always get caught by my nurses.

I clear my throat. "So who's been helping you with everything?"

"Calum has been helping a lot. Grandma and Grandpa have, too. Some of my friends stop by every once and awhile. Nothing was too serious."

"What do you mean was?"

She sighs. "I just mean that it's closer to treatment time, that's all."

I nod, still feeling like she's hiding something from me. I don't want to push her to tell me though.

Neither of us say anything for awhile. My mom is still holding my hand gently. I think she's about to fall asleep, so I don't say anything. Calum told me she gets tired easily.

I notice the dark circles under her eyes and her chapped lips. There's a faint smile on her lips. I definitely didn't imagine my mom to be like this. I didn't expect her to cry so much or to have her voice sound so worn out. Her hand feels like ice and her eyes are tired and puffy. I knew she was sick, but I'm not sure what I was expecting.

I wonder if this is how my mom felt whenever I was in the hospital. I wonder if she watched me lying in hospital beds and worried about me. I don't really even know what I'm feeling, but whatever it is, there's a lot of it. I'm feeling a strange mixture of sadness, anxiety, and unfamiliarity. I feel like I'm in a new place with a whole new life. Everything is changing again, not just for me. I can't even imagine what my mom is going through.

After a few minutes, my mom starts quietly snoring. I slowly let go of her hand and quietly get out of the bed, trying my best not to disturb her. I pull a blanket over her while she sleeps so she doesn't get cold. I leave a note beside her pillow, telling her I'll be back tomorrow.

I'll be spending a lot of time here. I will have to get comfortable with being here, no matter how much uneasiness it brings me. I dread being here, but I will have to deal with it.

Calum is in the waiting area like he said. He waves as he sees me coming and waits for me by the door.

"How was it?" Calum asks.

I feel more tears coming just from Calum's simple question. "It's just really hard to accept," I choke out.

Calum puts her arm around my shoulder. "She'll be okay. We'll all be okay."

I wipe my eyes and nod. "I hope so."

"I'm sure you made her day. She was so happy that you were coming. Just seeing you today will probably make her feel so much better."

"Then why do I feel so bad?" I mumble.

Calum stops walking. "Luke, do not blame this on yourself." He always seems to know exactly how I'm feeling.

"I can't help it."

"This is not your fault."

"But I wasn't here. And she would've told me if I wasn't so... so..." I wave my hands around trying to think of the right word to describe myself.

"There is nothing wrong with you. I promise. Your mom was worried and just didn't know how to tell you. None of this is your fault."

I nod. "I guess it'll take some getting used to. Just like everything else."

"It'll all be okay. We can come back tomorrow and see her again. The doctors said she should be able to go home in a few days." All everyone keeps saying is that she's going to be okay. Okay has no substance. It's not good, it's not bad. It's just there somewhere in the middle. Being okay isn't something positive.

"I feel like I'm losing my mom," I blurt out.

"You're not losing her. You won't lose her."

"You can say that, but you never know."

I'm so sorry for not updating quickly! I have had a lot going on! I'm currently editing Remember to Forget! I'm very excited :)

I now have a website, ashleyroyer.com where you can find out pretty much anything! I also have merch that will be out soon. If you follow me on twitter, singsongash, you'll be able to stay more up to date with everything that's happening!

I promise to update more often :) I don't have anymore concerts to go to haha

-ashley