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✱

THE ANXIETY JUMPED out.

All of my troubles and fears about getting myself further involved with Carter that had been suppressed for a while all began mixing and churning in my stomach and at the back of my mind. Swirling like a storm that was soon to break and soak me to the bone with everything that made me feel like I didn't belong here.

But hopefully, I was keeping my cool on the outside as I sat next to Carter Abrams at his lunch table. Even if there was an explosive secret between us, almost like I was tip toeing through a minefield just being this close to him.

He seemed to be just fine, maybe because he was in his element. The table Jack practically had to drag me to held a varying cast and character of beautiful, popular kids. There were some of the cheerleaders from his football days, as well as some of the other players of football and various other sports like lacrosse and basketball. I knew some of them from around school, in fact, I knew all of their names despite the fact that I was pretty sure they didn't know mine. They were laughing about a party, not Carter's yesterday, but one of them I definitely couldn't go to.

Some senior's party, in fact, that they were invited to out in the suburbs a few weeks ago. I, of course, was fine considering the toll Carter's party had taken on me. I wasn't sure if I could even survive the one Rita was trying to get me to go to. I was stressed out by it enough and it was only a hypothetical now.

I had been uncomfortable my whole time sitting here, but I must've been uncomfortable in an even bigger and bolder way because Carter had turned himself to look at me with a smile on his face. "Hey, Mia, what's up?"

The conversation had died down when he asked me that, and with my luck, I was suddenly put on the spot in front of the popular kids. I had no idea how to answer that, unable to predict Carter's stance on making it public that we had slept together, so I had no clue what I could say to completely steer us clear of that topic. Of course, I also had to say something that didn't make me sound like I was a total loser.

"What are people doing for the Spring Fling?" I asked, thankfully not sounding as nervous as I was. Maybe it was all in my head. I looked away from Carter and at the rest of the people at the table who reminded me that no, it wasn't all in my head.

While they definitely didn't make it known when I first got to the table, they were surely wondering who the hell was I and why the hell was I sitting at their table if their furrowed brows and scrunched up faces were any indication. The only people who weren't fazed by my question were Carter and Jack, who I guess didn't think of me as that much of a loser anymore.

I instantly hated Carter for making me sit here and be judged by these people, because I would've been fine eating lunch by myself and just going to the library. But now I've made a fool out of myself in front of the people I used to purposefully avoid for the past few years so I wouldn't get into situations like these.

But to my surprise, a cheerleader across the table who I knew was named Sidney piped up saying "yeah, I think people are going, but we're leaving early. We just don't know where the after party is happening yet."

That was a relief, mainly because there was a slight chance that the party wouldn't be at Carter's and I could retreat back into what parties were in my comfort zone: movies with my friends and falling asleep together on the couch. Of course, I was careful not to let out a sigh or anything in case Carter's sense of awareness about me would pick up on it and decide to throw the party after all.

"Sidney, you should throw," one of the football players who I knew as Robert said, an evil grin on his face knowing that he put her on the spot. "You have like...the biggest house."

"Yeah, but I don't have a lake house like you," she leered. Taking the momentum that was thrust upon her, she turned to our side of the table. "Jack, I think its your turn anyway. We haven't been to your place in about three months."

"Ah," Jack said, "see...about that. That's just not an option. Mom's got contractors coming in to remodel and paint some shit. Plus whoever's house we should go to, it should be in the city so we're not driving that far from the school."

He nudged his buddy Carter in an accusatory way, but I knew there were other people at this table who lived in the city. Hell, Robert lived like twenty minutes away from Carter and Ryan lived fifteen. I knew some of the girls lived close by as well.

"Sorry, no can do," Carter shrugged. "I literally threw yesterday. My house is a mess and my parents are going to come home before I get back from school and find it that way. You already know I'm grounded."

Hearing that made me realize how screwed I must've been. My parents had been out for the whole night, but I knew they came back earlier in the morning and must've noticed that I was absent from the house. I was sure they checked my phone's location and saw that it was at Carter's and that I wasn't roaming the street, but at the same time, that didn't leave me completely off the hook.

I was sitting there, mulling over the facts of my case and withdrawing myself from the conversation at hand when I heard someone say my name.

"What?" I asked, sitting up straighter when I realized I was probably making myself look like an idiot.

"Mia, I didn't know you lived so close to Carter," one of the boys whose name was Zach said. "Like you guys are actual next door neighbors?"

"Well...yes, I suppose," I answered awkwardly.

"Great, can we have the after party at your house?"

✱

"NO WAY!"

"Yes way! They want to have a party at my house!"

I was talking Rita and one of my other pals, Daniel's ears off as we set up for debate practice after school. My schedule was horrendous today because I didn't see either of them outside of seeing Rita at the end of the day and they were usually the ones who kept me grounded in high school, kept me from spiraling out of control.

Of course, Rita was dying to go to this party so I was sure that Daniel was excited as well. They thought that there was some way to somehow change their social status in high school as if these friend groups weren't all cemented rock-solid and everyone hadn't found out who they really are by sophomore year. Sure, there was some changes made this year, like Landon and I being in a relationship or the fact that  I had slept with Carter Abrams and Jack Carr had talked to me, but all in all, I still had the same group of friends since the end of freshman year just like everyone else. There was no miracle that was going to make them instantly popular, not even their best friend throwing the after party on Spring Fling night. We were all just going to hang out with each other in the corner while the popular kids made fools of themselves, no doubt.

"So what did you say?" Daniel's ears perking up, definitely interested. "Please don't tell me you turned them down."

"I said I didn't know just yet," I answered truthfully. "I know my parents won't be home that night, but I was just planning on spending another evening with you guys like we always do."

"Yeah, we'll be there, Mia," Rita said. "Along with the coolest kids in school. This is going to be legendary, you know that, right?"

After Carter's party, I had enough of legendary to last me a lifetime.

I decided not to answer her, instead withdrawing one of the binders from the large plastic box they were stored in. The turnout for practice was a bit less than I had expected, but we were still a functional sized group. Landon was notably absent and I was fine with that considering I didn't want to strangle him in front of all the underclassmen. Not even that girl Kaitlyn who was making eyes at him half the time since we were together.

"Look," Daniel touched my arm. "You've just been through a breakup, I think you need this more now than ever. To let loose and have a good time."

Boy, have I not heard that one before. In fact, I had, when I went to Carter's party and slept with him. The images of it all were coming to me and I just wanted to tear all my hair out and hope that all the memories were attached to it.

"No, I need my friends and to lay low for awhile," I said with a frown and David and Rita knew to back off. They knew they'd have more time later to convince me, but right now I wasn't in the mood to hear it.

I was thankful that my friends could read me, but not deep enough that I wasn't able to hide things. I wasn't just talking about the Carter Abrams...thing — which I probably never wanted to acknowledge in this current lifetime or even the next two for that matter — but more the deeper, uglier truths about how Landon's absence from my life was affecting me.

Sure, I never wanted to see him again and that was working out well for me if he wasn't showing up to debate meetings, but there was a part of me that needed to. It was like there were parts of me still tethered to the idea of having him in my life, parts that needed to relive what we been through before they could die and leave me in peace. Rita and Daniel didn't need to help me with that, nor did they seem one hundred percent capable of it with this sudden shift of focus that their current lives apparently weren't enough for them.

Looking at my friends right now, they were making sure all of the binders were well put together so that the freshmen wouldn't slip up on their arguments and this practice would function as it should without getting derailed. We definitely needed to spend more time on preparations nowadays and I was glad to have them there picking up the slack for me.

"Alright," I called out to our group here today. "Let's get started, we've got a lot of work to do."

✱

IT WAS NIGHT.

Well, it was seven o'clock, so the sky was a rich purple, dark blue resting on the outer edges of as far as I could see from where I stood on the school's front lawn, and all that told me was I did not want to be out all alone at this time of night. Of course, spending a particularly heavy moment in my feelings for Landon towards the end of debate practice, I had decided to let my friends leave ahead without me while I cleaned up as much as I could so the janitor wouldn't complain to the principal about our team.

That left virtually no one hanging around the school, especially not anyone who could drive me home. I began to fish around my pockets for any change that I could use on the bus while trying to remember the route I took to and from school before I relied on Landon for transportation. That is, until I heard the screech of tires a few feet away from me. I didn't even have to guess who they belonged to.

"No thank you," I said simply. I would've felt a lot more confident in that statement if I could find at least a quarter in my pocket. No luck there, but when was there ever?

"C'mon," Carter said with a laugh, slapping the side of his car. "This'll be the third ride I've given you. Don't act so shy now, babe."

"You've only driven me to school once, what's the other —" I trailed off, disappointed that I didn't realize the innuendo until it was too late. "You're a disgusting man, I hope you know that, Carter."

"And yet we can't seem to get rid of each other," he countered with a sly grin.

"Maybe because we're neighbors," I told him bluntly. "You already know that if I could, I would."

"You really know how to hurt me," he teased, his eyes filled with pure mischief and I fought the urge to poke them. "And I don't just mean the scratches on my back."

I sighed. "If you think those are bad, let me try again with something sharper. I've got a pretty large knife in my kitchen."

"How are you gonna get there if you don't let me take you home," he asked.

And I had to say, the smug bastard had a point.