Kai knew that what he was about to do was taking him down a dangerous path. He knew that the potential consequences of walking even one step further down it could be detrimental. Yet, he couldn't stop himself.

He reasoned he was only fulfilling a promise, and that breaking a promise was a bad thing in and of itself. That it had been a dangerous promise for him to make in the first place, he didn't acknowledge. It hadn't felt dangerous at the time. Then it had been easy; it had felt natural, like holding a sword in his hand.

Now nothing about it felt easy or natural. Actions, thoughts, and feelings had made it into something beyond a friendly gesture.

But to mask the true reason for his venture out into the forest surrounding Sinkbek he brought Evind along.

"Why can't you be like a normal person and sleep-in on your days off?" Evind grumbled as Kai scanned the forest floor for the treasure he sought.

"And waste a good day?" Kai replied.

"Good? The weather is awful."

It was. Autumn was preparing everyone for winter with winds carrying ice and dark clouds threatening to burst at any moment. Even the beauty of autumn had given up. Almost all leaves had turned brown and crunched underneath their feet.

But every day was a good day, according to Kai. Especially a day when he maybe would get to see her smile because of something he had done.

"Head back if you're feeling so miserable then," Kai retorted, catching sight of what he was looking for and skipping over to it. "But then you aren't allowed to eat any of it."

He bent down, put the basket he had carried on the ground as he began picking the mushrooms. He had never learnt what they were called, but he knew those yellow, small fungi made for the most delicious stews.

Evind grumbled something about unfair punishment, then bent down to help Kai pick the mushrooms.

"Still don't get why this is so damn important," Evind continued.

"We haven't had any all autumn, and soon we'll have to wait another year to have some," Kai answered, dropping three mushrooms into his basket.

"I know. But if you want some, you could have asked one of the cooks to go pick them. Sigurd never denies any request you make."

"But I wanted to pick them myself. It's much nicer eating something which you've worked hard for yourself."

Evind frozen with a mushroom in hand, staring at Kai with exasperation.

"It's because of her, isn't it? It's because of the Lady?"

Kai scoffed. "What on earth makes you think that?"

"Because all of your weird behaviour lately has been because of her. Come on, just admit it! You like her." Evind smirked as he dropped the mushrooms he had been holding into the basket and picked some new ones.

"Yes, I like her. She is kind and sweet. Everyone likes her," Kai deflected, but it only earned him an eye roll.

"You know that's not what I meant. You have a crush on her. And you're picking these bloody mushrooms in the hope she'll smile at you. Admit it!"

"I'm not!" Kai continued to refute Evind, though his cheeks grew uncomfortably warm.

"Oh, and I bet you think about her all the time. It's clear as day with how you can't keep your eyes off..."

"Shut up!" Kai exclaimed and shoved Evind. Tried to shove the images Evind's words had evoked as well. Images of Saga kneeling, lips slightly parted, and his thumb brushing against them.

Evind placed a hand to the ground to steady himself, then he laughed. "Alright, I'll stop."

They continued picking the mushrooms in silence for quite a while, the wind the only sound as it whistled around the bare trees. And in that silence, the danger pressed closer in on Kai. The fantasies Evind's words had created in him wouldn't leave him alone. Instead, they grew every time Kai tried to repress them. She came closer in them.

Not kneeling anymore, but standing next to him.

Not passive under his touch, but her fingers brushed his skin as well.

Not looking at him with round, confused eyes, but with the longing he felt.

But everything about those images was wrong, and his growing desire for them to be real was worse than any danger he had ever faced. If Viggo knew what went on in his head, then he would banish him. And even worse, if Saga knew what went on in his head, then she would never smile at him again, but look at him with contempt.

"I really do think it would be better if you admitted what you feel, though," Evind broke the prolonged silence. "It's not like admitting it will suddenly make you feel it more or anything. But if you admit it, then you can work on getting over her."

Kai shook his head. To what, he wasn't sure. But he shook his head because everything in him screamed no to all which went on in there.

Neither of them said another word as they finished picking the mushrooms, filling one basket each. Then they headed back to the castle. They handed them over to the cook, who promised to make the mushroom stew for dinner. And when all of that was done, when they had nothing more to do for the day, Kai felt himself growing restless.

Having nothing to do, nothing to distract him from his thoughts was as dangerous as picking the mushrooms for her. He tried to get Evind to join him at the training grounds, but the friend complained he had had enough of being outside for the day and settled down to play cards instead. It hadn't ever been anything Kai enjoyed, but with few other prospects of things to occupy himself with, he joined.

It was better than being alone with his thoughts, after all.

Dinner came.

As always, Kai was seated a bit away from Saga, but he could make her out between the burly men. Often, he did his best to catch a glimpse of her, but now he tried all he could to not. Though no matter how hard he tried, his eyes found her with practised ease. Caught sight of her eating, of her smiling, of her talking. Of her laughing at something Astrid said. Of her eyes sparkling as she discussed something with Audun. Of her cheeks turning red while Kare told a tale.

And it all made an emotion Kai was unused to grow more and more. The emotion had started making itself known a few weeks ago. It had been tiny then, as easily ignored as a spider in a corner. But now it was much bigger, a wolf growing in his heart.

Though like he refused to acknowledge any other of his feelings toward Saga, he refused to name this emotion.

It made him stand when he had eaten up, however. Made him ignore Evind's snigger and what that meant. Made him walk over to her and place himself next to her.

And the wolf came to rest. It retracted its claws and quieted down as she turned her attention on him and gave him one of her smiles.

"I saw no one in the garden earlier today. Are all the preparations for it done, Lady Saga?" he asked her and grasped his hands together to not brush the stray strands of hair away from her face.

"All done," she nodded.

"That's wonderful. I'm so excited to see how it'll look when spring comes."

Her cheeks gained colour, and the wolf in him rose again. But this time to howl and wag its tail.

"Thank you," she murmured, and the words shone like all the stars in the sky.

His eyes travelled to her plate, saw the remnants of the mushroom stew there. "Did you try the mushrooms? Did you like them?"

"You boys are insane for spending your rest on such things," Kare interjected into the conversation, bursting the temporary bubble Kai had been in where only he and Saga had existed.

"They are only diligent. You could learn a thing or two from them," Astrid pointed out with a wink toward Kai.

"Na. That type of diligence is for the young, and I'm far past that. At my age, you got to enjoy life's wonders instead of toiling away. You'll understand when you're older," Kare answered her, earning himself a scoff.

"You are only five years older than me. Quit talking as if you're some wise old man."

The two of them continued, seemingly having forgotten about Kai and Saga again, giving them an opportunity to return to their bubble.

"It really was delicious. Thank you for picking them," Saga told him, lighting up the stars again.

"Of course," he answered, omitting the fact that he had promised her. He wasn't even sure she remembered that conversation from while they had been on their way to Sinkbek—it had been quite an eventful time since.

But then, in a whisper, as if the words were sacred, she said, "I'm surprised you remember."

Everything went soft in him. Her words, the shy smile, the fact that she didn't view herself important enough for him to remember a promise he had made her. It all made him feel a softness which melted everything. The wall he had created. The way he didn't name the emotions. How he pushed and pushed his thoughts away. She melted all of his defences through not knowing her own worth.

"I'll never forget a promise I made to you, Lady Saga," he answered her. Or rather declared. For Evind was almost right.

It wasn't a crush, as Evind had put it. No, what Kai felt for Saga was far beyond a crush.

The tenderness he felt, the joy at her smiles, the jealousy when others basked in her attention, the protectiveness when she was in danger, the attraction which burnt, the space she occupied in his mind.

He had fallen in love with her.

He couldn't deny it any longer.

But though he now admitted it to himself, he could never admit it to her. If he did, it would only complicate things for her, and she would reject him. Then he would lose all closeness he had with her.

So his words, his reassurance that he would never break a promise he made her, were as far as he could go. Though that knowledge broke a part of him. Made the wolf scream its howls and scratch to get out, to get to hold her and take parts of her which weren't his to take.

It howled for one time, for him to ask her to have it all one time. It promised to be satisfied after it, to sleep and remain asleep if only he tasted her once.

"I should head to bed," Kai said and stood before any other word could be uttered, not trusting himself in her presence anymore. He hurried from the hall, out, and to his bedroom.

There he sank down on his bed. Placed his head in his hands and closed his eyes, hoping he could shut the world out that way so he could find a way to quiet the howls screaming at him to return to her side.

But a knock on the door proved it was futile.

Evind entered without Kai giving him permission.

"I just... well... just wanted to make sure you are okay," Evind said from right by the door.

"I'm fabulous," Kai scoffed and kicked off his boots so they thudded against the nearby chair.

"You know, maybe doing something with some other girl will help. I mean, you haven't ever done that, have you? So maybe trying it with someone will get her out of your head. If you just flirt a bit with Sigurd, I'm sure..."

"Cut it out. I have no interest." Kai laid down on the bed to signal he was done with the conversation, but Evind remained.

"She'll never be yours, so it'll do you no good pining over her," Evind said and then left with a sigh as Kai didn't bother answering.

Deep down, Kai knew Evind was right. Saga could never be more than a friend, and the faster Kai went back to view her as a friend, the better. But he couldn't imagine not feeling what he did for her. And it wasn't like there could be anyone as perfect as her. There would never be anyone he would want as much as her.

And a part of him felt fine with that. He would never get to experience love with her, but that didn't mean he couldn't love her, devote himself to her. There even was a way for him to do it, one which wouldn't break any codes of what was appropriate.

It wasn't common, but some knights swore a troth to a noblewoman they deemed worthy. It was an oath in which the knight promised to protect her above all else, even above orders made by the King. A way for the knight to show his devotion to the noblewoman.

He was only a few moon-laps away from turning twenty. When he did, he would finally be knighted. And then he could swear a troth to Saga. Give her that ultimate promise of his unwavering protection.

It wasn't perfect; it wasn't what he truly wanted, for he wanted so much more. But it was a small way in which he could express all that he felt for her.

And with that decision made, with his feelings finally on full display inside of him, Kai let his mind wander as much as it wanted on this one rare occasion.