Alexei Smirnov

Alexei finds himself watching Tammy sleep, as he has for the past weeks. Alexei tried to stop watching the cameras. He even set for them to be removed, but canceled at the last moment.
When he considers not being in Tammy's private little world, a swarm of stabbing anxiety pierces his core.

Alexei knows it is fucked up but he can't let go. He can't argue within himself to believe he should let go. There is something between him and Tammy that seems worth trying, even under the circumstances. The glass of strong drink swirls in his hand as he switches to the cameras around the house, he stops on his sleeping daughter. Angela is his little bittersweet angel.

His daughter...

Alexei hadn't known Angela for the first two years of her life. He remembered finding the sleeping two-year-old, in a crib, after he strangled Cassandra to death; with his bare hands. Alexei put up with the abuse of Cassandra, for so long, and he'd vowed, one day, he would kill her. That day had come without hesitation and in a fit of rage.

Alexei remembers picking up the chubby toddler, first not knowing he was holding his child. Bringing the toddler home, he had Angela examined and found out as much information he could. Alexei was shocked to learn that Angela was his baby. Being 22 at the time he became a father, and as fucked up as he is, Alexei is not deluded about the level of his parenthood.

Although he'd gotten better, Alexei struggled to even look at the perfectly made toddler, in the beginning. How did something so wonderful as an innocent child come from such ugly things? A renewed burning hatred burns within Alexei for Cassandra and everything she took from him. He hates that Cassandra reached, from beyond the grave, and robbed his experience of having his first child.

Alexei's jaw clenches remembering how stupid he was to fall into Cassandra's trap.

Cassandra told Alexei the last time they were intimate, that if he did it without the protection, she'd leave him alone forever. Alexei never imagined, that the sick bitch, was using his 17-year-old self to have a baby, HIS baby. Cassandra schemed, greatly, and took a risk with the plan even working. From that unprotected time, Cassandra had all the viable sperm samples frozen. Working with a state-of-the-art fertility clinic, Cassandra began in vitro.

In the five years, Alexei struggled to hold on to his first and only real relationship, Cassandra desperately tried procedures to get pregnant, for the majority of her thirties. Alexei thought he'd gotten rid of Cassandra because she did leave him alone. He couldn't imagine that at only 20, Cassandra at 35 became, successfully pregnant, carried that pregnancy to full term, and birthed Angela.

The irony is that Cassandra named the baby with an 'A' in his honor.

Despite the ugly circumstances of her birth, Angela is a beautiful young lady and for that, Alexei fights not to take all the freedom he can from her. He doesn't want Angela broken, like himself and like Mark. Mark helped him raise Angela when she first was brought home. For a moment, their hatred was pushed aside in the best interest of Angela. However, those days were gone.

Now, Alexei is up late and so afraid of being the one to break Angela. He has to send her away and yet he wants Angela locked away to be safe.
Angela is intelligent. At 14, she speaks three languages and is already earning credits toward university. Angela plays two instruments and is athletic. Angela is kind and mild-mannered. Alexei never hears Angela complain and she never asks for much.

It wounds, Alexei's damaged heart further knowing that Angela feels hated and abandoned. A piece of Alexei, larger space within, feels it is best. He isn't a good person. Fathers didn't need to be close right? Wrong. Alexei reads some stuff, after googling 'what to do when your 15-year-old child thinks you hate them', and a lot of stuff said fathers were really important for daughters.

He'd read horrifying things like Angela would try to forever find him in in the men she dates. Alexei couldn't fathom the kind of men she could meet trying to find one close enough to him to love her.

He does love Angela.

He needs Angela to know that before she enters a world of pain. Alexei knew he was going to have to take a break from family drama. Maybe it is good Angela came home, like this, without warning

*********************************
These thoughts tend to feel like a throbbing pain in Alexei's chest. It's been some more, sleepless nights, and Angela doing classes from school online. For some reason, Alexei knows his daughter has 'run home'. Alexei doesn't know what happened, but in moments like these, he sees himself in her. If something had happened, he would have run away as well. Sometimes, Alexei still yearns to run away. However, due to who he is, he doesn't get to run away.

Alexei just learns to run away within his mind.

The fog is lifting and leads Alexei to Tammy. He is in front of Tammy's door. He swallows a large dose of worry. Alexei considers speaking with Tammy about this matter because he'd heard, Tammy sharing a bit about her father, with Angela.

Angela appears to have already taken a strong liking to Tammy.

Maybe, it is also a manipulation, a reason to be closer, but Alexei finds he can't win against the impulse to be at her door with so much anxiety swirling within him. Alexei taps on the door and his stomach, begin to hurt, as a panic attack began. He is feeling his chest, become tight, with the need to breathe as Alexei holds his breath. Alexei hopes Tammy doesn't even answer.

After what happened, he didn't have the right to ask for her help or to look at her.

He almost prays that something within her will know it's him, at this door, and stay in bed, feigning deep sleep. Alexei hears her stirring. His stomach flutters. He wonders if she's hoping, maybe it is Mark, and if she has butterflies at the thoughts. The way Mark looks at Tammy gives butterflies.

Alexei knows Mark.

He wonders what Tammy may feel when she opens it, to see him. He has to prepare for the disgust and mistrust witnessed in her eyes.
He tries to prepare himself to hide how much he loves to see her and how beautiful he finds her. He didn't deserve to think she is beautiful.

He watches Tammy's eyes flutter open as she rubs them. Tammy's eyes focus on him and the light, she'd been sleeping after all.

Her wobbly bun bobbing on her head slightly. "What are you doing here?"

She's fucking beautiful.

There's no way Tammy has a clue how awe-inspiring she is. If she had any clue how beautiful she is, she would only wear makeup where you look like nothing is on. If Tammy knew how beautiful she is, she wouldn't second guess her faces and body movements during a conversation. She would always look into eyes and never away.

Could Alexei stand if Tammy looked at him, and never looked away?

Tammy looks at Alexei in this way, for weeks now, that made his skin crawl.
He is afraid she is seeing everything inside of him. Although Alexei remains composed, looking out the window, he panics inside. He'd seen that look before and never thought he would see it again. He looks into her eyes hoping Tammy will look away.

The more she looks at him, the more it's clear, she's the one.

It makes more sense than anything ever has in his life and yet none at all because he doesn't know Tammy. What he does know, he shouldn't trust her. The way Tammy looks at him prompts Alexei to remembrance, of his first and only 'real' girlfriend. Alexei told that girl, he loved her, and he'd meant it. Alexei told her everything about himself.

He was 17 and still very hopeful that someone could love him, despite Cassandra. His girlfriend had received emailed pictures and videos, from Cassandra via Mark, of Alexei having sex with Cassandra in a threesome with Mark. Alexei had been so embarrassed. He cried when his girlfriend angrily threw the phone at him, asking why he would cheat.

The video playing and her crying made Alexei break inside. He was afraid Cassandra was making him lose the love of his life. Alexei knew Cassandra could crush them if she wanted to. Cassandra has worse than that one video to show.

The only person he felt truly loved him, was about to walk out of his life.

At 17, Alexei cries the tears he hadn't cried since he was in that classroom that first time Cassandra violated him. Nothing, up until that point, had felt as bad as that first time with Cassandra, then the moment she'd ruined his first relationship.

His relationship survived the video but it wouldn't survive his sexual dysfunction and becoming a father.
When he'd taken custody of Angela, they argued about putting the baby away for adoption. They'd been together for years and things nearly perfect and everything fell apart the moment he said he was keeping his baby. Yes, they were only in their twenties but Angela, or Anne Anne, as Alexei began calling her, was his baby.

Alexei never had anything of importance be truly his. He wanted to protect this baby and have her grow up well. His girlfriend accused him of actually loving Cassandra. It made Alexei furious because he'd worked so hard to see he'd never been in love with Cassandra and Cassandra had never been in love with himself or Mark.

Alexei, at 22, was furious and ended up admitting he killed Cassandra. He admitted it in a passionate rage that he could never love that witch. His girlfriend calms him down and he thought they would get past it. He thought she would love him through anything.

It wasn't long before he found her fucking Mark, fucking Mark.

Fucking. . .

"Alexei, are you okay? "Tammy is standing over him, while he sits on the bed and feeling dizzy. He, barely, can make out who Tammy is.

Before remembering his surroundings, who he is with, Alexei pushes away the offensive soft touch. Alexei hated being touched without initiating it.

Alexei especially hates feeling emotional.
"Please, step back. You're a little too close."

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Tammy pushes him back but she doesn't mean it. He could tell because it is restrained strength.

Alexei looks up to angry teary-eyed Tammy. He wanted to say sorry but it didn't seem like it would change anything. He can see why she may feel offended. It's the same reason any woman would be offended, they just had sex, sex Tammy didn't even wholeheartedly consent to, and he's discarding her at a very emotional time.

Women tend to not like that but at the same time, Alexei wonders why touch is always sex. Alexei hates the fact that all he seems to be able to do is hurt, people. He doesn't even know Tammy and she's standing here with tears over interacting with him. Alexei fights with a side that deeply cares and another side that feels no remorse because no one ever cares that he hurts.

He did hurt, he hurt so fucking badly, every single day, without anyone caring or offering apologies.

"A lot of shit, okay?" Alexei stands to create the space he craves.
This isn't going as planned. He looks around for signs of having hurt Tammy while he was blacked out.
"But you're stuck with me for as long as we need each other and I need you to help me be something else...for Angela."

And next thing Alexei knew, his lips are pressed against Tammy's. She returns the kiss with hard and angry energy. It feels so good, even though she doesn't want him. Just for a moment, his eyes drift close. Alexei tries to pull away and somehow, Tammy feels stronger than him, at that moment, as she uses his hair to keep him anchored to her lips. Her anger is overwhelming but somewhere this kiss turns smooth and fluidity flows in their movement.

Alexei feels her nails scrape his cheek, sensually, as her bottom lip drags between his two. He devours her lips with gentle restraint. A kiss shouldn't feel so indecent. A kiss shouldn't make Alexei forget everything. Alexei's stomach rumbles and he felt tears prickle his eyes. Alexei hates being touched, especially when he is emotional, and especially when thinking of Cassandra.

He runs into the bathroom puking everything he held in his body.