Tammy

It has been but weeks since being back in the US with Mark.

Mark has been gone since the last argument where he hit Tammy but she didn't care. Tammy couldn't believe Alexei discarded her and gave her back to Mark. Tammy remembers crying and yelling to stay with Alexei. Her heart broke just thinking that a few weeks ago, she dared to hope, in that bed with Alexei she finally admitted to loving him. She dreamt that night of their new life.

That night with Alexei made it appear as though all of the messiness would be creating a possibility where so much good came out of it. Tammy let her guard down and admitted, despite everything, she had fallen in love with Alexei.

Life has been such a cruel joke and Tammy wonders if she deserves these twists and turns of misery for disobedience. Her father told her to stay in the closet and now she is more miserable and broken than her father's funeral could have ever made her. Right now, after all these pains, Tammy truly believes, if it were done again, she would stay in the closet.

Yet, could she stay in the closet knowing all she knows? She believes deep inside that Alexei truly is in love with her, they both said it. Could she live without Alexei? Had that moment and his love been worth all of this pain?

Tammy is looking for a way to contact Alexei. She is looking for someone that could get a message to him. There is no way that Alexei is gone. There is no way that all of the hope of the future before them in Brazil is over. She needed to hear it from Alexei.

She could only accept this fate, in her sincere heart, if she hears Alexei tell her that he doesn't love her. The last time she saw Alexei, he was restraining Angela, who was sobbing asking to go with her, and Alexei hadn't explained anything. Tammy couldn't allow herself to believe he let her go and that was it.

Mark must have drugged her because she didn't remember how they got from Brazil back to the US. She was foggy for a few days. The distance Mark had taken from her had been used trying frantically to get to Alexei with no avail.

"Tammy..." Mark's voice met her from somewhere in the suite.

Tammy is on pins and needles, ridgid at his voice. Mark went missing after he dropped her in the suite and they had a blow out argument. Tammy is able to come and go. Yet, she didn't leave the hotel because she is sure Mark would find her and she has no clue where she is, and with nothing to call her own.

Tammy would have been on the first flight back to Russia if it had been in her power. She didn't know how to get back to Alexei's home but being in Russia would be a start. She could sleep at night better knowing an ocean isnt between them. Tammy could figure out how to find Alexei in Russia.

Mark hit Tammy that last argument.

Mark saw the passion marks on her neck and he hit her. Tammy didn't know what hurt worse, the physical pain or the pain of Mark crying like a broken child and screaming because there is no other way for him to express the hurt within himself that she'd put there. Reality hit Tammy like tons of bricks and she has to bear the burden alone. Angela and Alexei felt like her true family. It felt hollow with no one else but Mark, his pain, and her pain here; because her heart and mind were still with Alexei.

"I'm here. " Tammy follows Mark's voice into the bedroom.

Mark is in shorts and a tank. His eyes are rimmed red. His nose is bright and he sniffs looking up to her. He's sitting on the bed and there are drugs on the night stand. The look he gives her is pure broken. Now, for the first time, Tammy considers what this must mean to him. She's Cassandra and just like her, Tammy, had chosen Alexei over Mark.

Her blood runs cold. That's never how she'd wanted this to be. She hadn't wanted to love Alexei. Looking back, she'd always known she would love Alexei. She begged Mark to leave, she'd tried to fight falling in love with Alexei.

Tammy knew it wasn't the sex because Alexei wasn't as experienced as Mark. Alexei purely made instinctual love to her, not calculated moves to fill her head with pleasure and brain wash her. Alexei's love making was truly what he'd felt in the moment and sometimes that had been frightening for them both.

Tammy had fallen in love with Alexei through his presence and then his absence. Every outing with Angela she saw him less in black and white and more in vibrant colors. Alexei was an amazing father as he tried. He was amazing at listening and holding conversation.

She'd come to admire Alexei. He spoke many languages. They both loved spoken word and poetry. He was philisophical maybe even religious. They just understood each other with a natural flow. They even understood one another's fury.

"How could you? How could you hurt me?" Mark breathes the words looking at her with tear filled eyes.

Tammy feels shattered by his accusation. Once again, because hearing Mark makes Tammy face reality. In reality, she'd wanted happily ever after with Mark. Mark had been more than enough before Alexei.
"I didn't ask to be apart of Alexei and your game. I didn't want Alexei. "

Mark chuckles bitterly. "I love you. I love you with everything I can and you were going to stay there with him. "

Tammy felt the vibration of his admition and tears pricked her eyes. Alexei told her the day would come where she would have to choose and it couldn't be both. She'd chosen Alexei, yet ended up with Mark. She didn't lose whatever feelings she had been growing for Mark, she just ended up falling in love with Alexei and Alexei needed her. She needed him more than she knew.

Mark places the alcohol down. "so tell me, how could you? What makes him better?"

Tammy felt stupid in the face of his question. What changed things? What made her go from desiring everything about this man to frantically just needing Alexei to acknowledge her. Tammy wishes she could give him answers better but she didn't have all the answers. The alone vibrated through her. She shouldn't be alone right now, Alexei created this with her. He should be here.

Next thing she knows Mark is shaking her. His grip is strong on her firearms. He's shouting the same questions at her and she can't answer. His tears break free. Her heart feels squeezed at the free flowing tests on his face.

"Mark, I never meant for any of this to happen. I begged you to leave Alexei's and I wanted it to be just us but you wanted power and money. " Tammy answers and he still holds her firm. Her voice is passionate. Her own hate dripping in the words.

No, because Mark was still more than enough for her even after Alexei. After Alexei, Mark changed and all Mark thought about was Alexei and power. She became not enough for him and that had cut her deeply.

Mark looks into her eyes. "I should hate you. I should be done with you. I should put a bullet between your eyes myself but I love you.

I love you, not Alexei. He gave you to me. He called me and asked me to take you away. So, you played yourself for someone who didn't hesitate to get rid of you. Did he fuck you raw? "

Tammy broke free and managed to turn her back to him in time for sobs to wreck her body. His words cut deeply. Alexei had given her back. She remembered asking Alexei if having her was pay back against Mark, and Alexei admitted his original intentions. Had she played into hurting Mark?

Mark's arms surround her from the back and bringing a level of comfort she didn't deserve. "I'm still here. I still love you and I can move passed you betraying me. "

Tammy turns around. "I didn't mean to hurt you. "

Mark begins crying and Tammy feels her heart break because he's crying for her. She sinks down to the floor with him. She cradles him in her arms. Maybe things hadn't been pretty but maybe she was exactly where she belonged. Maybe this thing between her and Mark could be fixed.

"I'm so sorry that I abandoned you. " Tammy finally says into the silence as their sobbing stops.

Mark cradles her face and stares into her eyes. "I only felt this way before once and I lost it because I wasn't good enough. I can't lose you because I'm not good enough. I have to become legit. I have to build us our own empire baby.

Im not perfect but I love you and you love me. You know you love me. "

Tammy becomes teary eyed again. She's so tired. She wants everything that he's saying. She wants her life to feel normal again. At the end of the day, she had chosen Mark.

"I do love you. " Tammy admits.

Mark suddenly sobers up. All the brokenness hidden in the depths of his eyes. He wiped his tears and then pulls her closer. For a moment, he stares at her thighs and rubs them. It's just silence, and Tammy awaits what he says.

"No more secrets. " He finally says and they lock eyes.

Tammy nods. "No more secrets. "

Mark continues to stare. "okay, so things will be different now that we understand what you did and how I feel about it. Right?"

Tammy suddenly feels her body flush. She realizes the pressure he's holding her wrist. "yes, mark."
She tries to tug away but he holds her in a vice grip.

"You love me?" He is solemn in asking the question.

"I love you. "Tammy answers and he lets go.

Mark smoothes the hair out of her face. "Show me you love me, prove it? "

Tammy hesitates. He's not joking. He really wants her to do something right now to convince him that she loved him. She thought about the way he always talked about needing income and joked about he and his wife having a private page filled with erotic videos. She does love him.

"We can fill a video for that website, but nothing that shows my face. " She holds her breath as he stares at her.

"No. " He says reaching for her. "I don't want that but I believe you".

He uses her hair to pull her head back and kiss and suck on her exposed neck. Tammy's head rests on the foot of the bed. Her body becomes languid. Once again she was afraid that this peace could last because at this point she could become pregnant and either male the father.

She couldn't have a child who belonged to Alexei , be raised by Mark. Mark kisses down her throat and on her chest. Then he pulls her down and looks into her eyes as they remove her sweats.

He searches in her eyes for something as he penetrates her core. She guess he found it because he smiles down at her. Her thighs parted over his hips, her back against the foot board, and he's looking down at her.
His strokes are deep and so good.

"You're not going anywhere again."He says with his hand on her throat. His pressure increases slightly.

"I'm not going anywhere. " She accepts the truth.

Mark kisses her while maintaining the pressure on her throat until she's breathless. Tammy gasps in air. Being with Mark is like drowning. He knows her body like she knows it herself and more. He used that knowledge against her. Things felt so good, sometimes, she didn't think she could stand it.

Mark was consuming and she gave into his force. He was magnetic to her. The feelings between them magical and always binding her to believe and trust in him. Little did she know, there was a difference between drowning in a pool and drowning in the ocean.

(Book Two: The Right Now)