#WIAE Chapter 16

Since Avo told me about his feelings for Ella, I had been avoiding him. Hindi ko alam kung bakit... It wasn't as if he told me that he's still in love with her. He loved her. Past tense... but still, I had this haunting feeling inside me. That something wasn't right. I just couldn't point it out, but something was seriously wrong.

And I couldn't think around him. I needed to take a few steps back, because I couldn't function properly when he's crowding me. Pero paano ko iyon magagawa? He's around. Isang linggo na siyang nandito sa AdM; isang linggo na rin akong nagdadasal na sana ay magkaroon siya ng dapat gawin sa labas para naman makahinga ako. Pero wala, e. It seemed like things were going well outside... kung kailan kailangan ko siya na maging busy.

Instead of wallowing on what was already happening, I decided to focus on other things instead. I couldn't go to the shooting range, though. Avo knew that I frequented that place. Hindi rin pwede sa cafeteria o sa kung saan na restaurant dahil masyadong public. Avo had eyes everywhere, and it was making it hard to hide from him.

And it was a weekend. Kung magkukulong ako sa kwarto, sigurado ako na pupuntahan niya rin ako.

"Do you know a place na hindi masyadong alam ng mga tao?" I asked Cathy. It was the first time, in weeks, na nagising ako na nandito siya. She was usually out when I wake up. Mabuti na lang at hindi yata siya masyadong busy ngayon.

Umiling siya.

"Most students have been here for years. Sigurado ako na alam na nila halos lahat ng lugar," she answered.

"Ganon ba? So... walang mapagtataguan talaga dito?"

It seemed like I caught her attention.

"You're hiding?"

I nodded.

"From who?"

"From Avo," I replied. "Kasi... I know this might sound immature, but I asked him about Ella. Naiinis ako kahit sinagot lang naman niya iyong tanong ko... Pero alam mo 'yun? He planted a seed of doubt in my mind. He said he loved her... tapos bigla niyang iniwan? There's no clean reason. Just... poof. One day, he left her for me. Alam mo 'yun? Parang... you'll end up asking questions because things have become sketchy all of a sudden," paliwanag ko sa kanya.

Hindi siya nakasagot. I didn't know how to take it. Dapat bang mas kabahan ako? Kasi sa aming dalawa, mas alam niya iyong history ni Ella at Avo.

"Do I trust him?"

Hindi pa rin siya sumasagot.

"Things happened way too fast, alam ko. But he wore me down. Babae lang din naman ako, and because he kept on saying words to swoon me, I gave in... And now, I'm think that I should have waited."

Akala ko hindi pa rin siya magsasalita pero sa wakas, may lumabas na rin sa bibig niya.

"Avo and Ella are done. He's with you. Why are you doubting things?"

Napatingin ako sa kanya. It was unexpected of her to answer this way... Hindi naman kasi siya ganito dati. She kept on reminding me to be skeptic at all times.

"Di ba ikaw ang nagsabi sa akin na trust no one?" I asked.

She pursed her lips.

"What's wrong with being skeptical? I just want to take a breather and think things... kasi ang bilis talaga, Cathy. Parang all this time, I was living in a bubble. Tapos kahapon lang pumutok 'yung lobo na 'yun," paliwanag ko sa kanya. "So, is it wrong?"

Hindi siya sumagot. She sighed. I smiled.

"Anyway, thank you. I'll just look around," sabi ko at saka tumayo. Palabas na sana ako ng kwarto namin nung bigla siyang magsalita.

"Ask Night," she said. "He knows things."

Napatingin ako sa kanya.

"Do I trust him?"

But she didn't answer.

Lumabas ako ng kwarto namin, looking and checking for Avo. I had managed to successfully avoid him for a week now, ayoko naman na ngayon pa ako mahuli. At isa pa, ang alam ko kapag weekend ay busy ang mga Dieux. Hindi ko nga lang alam dahil hindi naman ako curious sa mga ginagawa nila. I was just hoping that they're busy enough.

Habang naglalakad ako sa isang tagong parte ng school, napatago ako sa likod ng isang bench nung makita kong sabay na naglalakad si Avo at Ella. I closed my eyes, and started to breathe. I didn't want to think things.

But Ella held his hand...

Akala ko pipigilan niya.

Pero hindi.

They just kept on walking.

My jaw clenched. I fisted my hand. Paanong hindi ako mag-iisip ng iba kung ganito ang nakikita ko? Last night, he told me that he'd be busy with his tasks. Hindi ko naman alam na si Ella pala ang task niya. Naiinis ako. Naiinis ako na akala ba niya tanga ako na hindi ko malalaman? Kung mahal niya pa si Ella, then by all means, be with her! Bakit ba nila ako dinadamay sa kung anuman ang meron sila?

At paano ko masasabi sa kanya iyong tungkol sa tunay kong pagkatao kung sa ganito pa lang, niloloko niya na ako?

My eyes were probably shooting daggers as I walked the opposite direction. I really needed to find my own hiding place, pronto. I needed to be able to hide from Avo.

Habang hindi ko pa alam ang gagawin, patago akong pumunta sa daan palabas. I checked the surroundings and when I was sure that I was alone, I picked up the stick and wrote the phrase Memento Mori on the wall. And a few seconds after, the wall opened before me. Pumasok ako agad sa loob, dahil sigurado naman ako na walang Dieux doon ngayon. I just didn't want to encounter anyone, lalo na si Fuji. If he saw me here, he'd probably strangle me. And he'd kill me, dahil wala namang makakakita.

I looked for the phone and it was still in the same position kung saan binato siya ni Lorenzo. Siguro wala pang pumapasok dito simula noon. I quickly dialed Sandra's number and verified myself.

"Can I talk to my mom?"

"Miss Belinda, Madam Estrella is currently occupied. But I'll relay this message."

"Can you tell her I'm on the line right now? I really need to talk to her."

Maybe I could tell her that I didn't need to be here. Kung gusto niya akong ikulong sa bahay, o kaya naman ay ipatapon pabalik sa Japan, I could promise to have no qualms about it... I really didn't like this place. It was doing me more harm than good.

"I'm sorry, Miss Belinda, she's really busy."

I sighed. She's always busy. Hindi ko pa siya nakakausap simula noon. Alam ko naman na marami silang ginagawa pero kahit ba ilang minuto, hindi nila magawa na maglaan para sa akin?

"What about my dad?"

I heard her sigh from the other line.

"He's also—"

I didn't let her finish. Alam ko na iyong sasabihin niya.

"Fine... Just... Just tell them to contact me," I said. Sabi naman ni Madam Jovie, kung ang mga magulang namin mismo ang cocontact, makakausap nila kami. It's students contacting their family that wasn't allowed. But the other way around was possible. "I really need to talk to them."

"Yes, Miss Belinda," Sandra replied.

I was about to end the call when I remembered about what I asked her to do.

"And Sandra? Don't let anyone know about what I asked you to do."

"Yes, Miss Belinda. I will erase all tracks that may lead to you."

"Thank you," I said and the finally ended the call. Ibinalik ko sa pinagkuhanan ko iyong cellphone. I wanted to explore this place, but I felt like any minute now, bigla na lang may papasok na Dieux... and I was not willing to risk it.

Lumabas ulit ako para maghanap ng pwesto. Ilang minuto na akong naghahanap pero wala akong makita... Baka tama nga si Cathy. I needed to ask Night... pero paano? How do I talk to that guy? He gave me the creeps.

I was still pondering on whether I should talk to Night or not nung nakita ko siya. This guy was everywhere!

Huminto ako nung nakita ko siya. Huminto rin siya. His left hand was inside his pocket, and his other hand was holding a lollipop. Seriously? Nakatingin lang siya sa akin, at nakatingin lang din ako sa kanya. This was awkward.

"What?" sabi niya. I pursed my lips. Hindi ko alam kung paano sisimulan. "Do you need anything?"

"What do you know about Avo and Ella?"

"Why?"

"Are they still seeing each other? Behind my back?"

Akala ko sasagot siya, but instead, he took a step closer. Nahigit ko iyong hininga ko dahil sa ginawa niya. Why was he so intense? He wasn't even doing it purposely! It's just that... I couldn't handle him. He kept on surprising me every step of the way. He threw me off my game. Avo couldn't even do this to me.

"Do you think Ella will be that mad if they're still seeing each other?" he replied.

My jaw clenched.

"Malay ko? If it's a part of some elaborate scheme?"

And there was that smug smile again! Nakaka-inis!

"Why? Sino ka ba? Who are you for them to scheme?"

Napaawang iyong labi ko sa sinabi niya. And when he took another step closer... Jesus Christ!

"Are you keeping secrets, Boe Estrella?" he said, his voice laced with danger.

And another step. He was too close.

"Breathe," he whispered. "Do I make you nervous?"

Naka-tingin lang ako sa mata niya. I wanted to say things. I wanted to refute him, pero walang lumalabas sa bibig ko. Bakit hindi ako makapagsalita nang maayos kapag nandito siya? Bakit ba ako ginaganito ni Night?!

So I pushed him away, pero nahawakan niya iyong kamay ko. Binawi ko iyong pero ayaw niyang bitawan.

"Avo's not with Ella, if that's your problem. He has given his word, and he is loyal to you," sabi niya... Pero hindi pa rin ako naniniwala. Something's definitely wrong.

"Then why did they break up? All of a sudden?" I dared ask.

He looked at me, and smiled... but that smile was disarming. And alarming.

"You know what? You really shouldn't ask questions like that."

"Why not? Why not when it's affecting me?"

Binitawan niya iyong kamay ko.

"Avo and Ella broke up because it needed to happen. That's the answer."

Napaawang iyong labi ko.

"Because it needed to happen? What the hell, Night? Mas lalo mo lang ginulo ang isip ko!" I shouted at him. Nakakainis. Mas lalo niya lang dinadagdagan iyong mga tanong sa isip ko dahil sa mga sinasabi niya!

"Kaya nga sabi ko sa 'yo... don't ask questions."

"And what? Live with uncertainties?"

Umiling siya.

"It's not time yet," he replied.

"Time for what?"

He didn't answer. He took a step back. He looked at me, and those eyes screamed all the secrets I needed to unravel.

"This is bigger than you, than me, than us. So... just play the game."