#WIAE Chapter 17

Nine days. It was how long I managed to avoid Avo. Hard as I tried to avoid him, seeing him was inevitable. We go to the same school; we have the same classes. Akala ko tatagal iyong puro tango lang ako kapag kinakausap niya ako, pero hindi pala. He humored me for a few days, but today, my act was done.

"Do we have a problem?" he asked.

We were in the middle of the hallway. Maraming tao sa paligid namin, pero wala silang magawa... because Avo was Avo. And it wasn't as if I could run from him. I was trapped in between his arms.

"Look at me," he commanded, but I kept my gaze down. I didn't want to look at him. Tuwing nakikita ko siya, naaalala ko iyong pagsisinungaling niya sa akin. If he had told me that he was going to see Ella, I would have been fine with it. I just didn't like being lied to. I hated it. That's my hard limit.

I kept my lips pursed, and my breathing even. I shouldn't be affected... but I was. Pero hindi niya kailangang malaman iyon.

"I said look at me," he repeated. I could him the tension coming from him, but I held my place. He should know that I wasn't scared of him. Hindi ako kagaya ng mga tao sa AdM na takot sa kanya. I wouldn't bow down just because he asked me to.

Just as I was about to get away from him, he held my chin and forced me to look at him. At nung nagtama ang tingin namin, I saw how frustrated he was of me. It was so f ucking evident, pero pinipigilan niya. Ano ba ang meron sa akin? Why the hell was he treating me like I was some porcelain doll? Nasaan na iyong Avo na sinasabi nila na nakakatakot? Why did I feel like he was the one afraid of me?

"Do we have a problem?"

I breathed hard. And I stared hard.

"None."

"Then why are you pushing me away?"

"I'm not."

"Do you think I'm stupid?"

"No, but why are you asking stupid questions?"

Nagtinginan lang kami sa isa't-isa. No one wanted to break the stare, but he eventually gave up. And sighed. I frustrated him too much, but why was he still sticking around? If he wanted Ella, then by all means be with her again. Hindi ko naman siya pipigilan. Hindi ko rin siya hahabulin. Kung gusto niya, ihahatid ko pa siya.

I wasn't an Estrella for nothing. I don't go around begging for someone's love.

"Boe..." he trailed. "Just tell me what the hell is your problem."

Tinabig ko iyong kamay niya sa gilid ko.

"Wala nga akong problema," I replied stubbornly.

With his jaw clenched, he said, "Okay, then. If we don't have a problem, then let's have lunch."

At wala na akong nagawa dahil hinatak niya ako palabas. The people made way for us, and I hated them for fearing Avo so much. Why were they so afraid of him? Ano ba talaga ang meron? I really should find out! Kasi sigurado ako na hindi lang dahil isa siyang Dieux kaya kinatatakutan siya. Lorenzo, Fuji, Ella, and Night were Dieux, too, but they weren't as feared as Avo was!

"Where do you want to eat?" he asked.

"Anywhere."

Akala ko makikipagtalo pa siya sa akin, pero hindi. Mukhang pagod na rin siya, dahil napagod ako sa pag-uusap namin kanina. Dinala niya ako sa pinakamalapit na restaurant. And he probably sensed that I was in no mood to engage, so he ordered food for me, too. Akala ko matatahimik na kami, pero habang naghihintay ng pagkain, nagsimula na naman siyang kausapin ako.

"There's a mid-semester party on Friday. Do you want to go with me?"

"Why me?" I asked.

"Because you're my wife," he replied.

"How exactly did you fall in love with me, Avo?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why do you call me your wife? Why am I with you? Why... me? Because you just met me. And please don't give me that bullshit of a reason na love at first sight. I don't believe in that," I said to him without breaking eye contact. I needed him to know that I was serious. And I needed real answer. I had been really naive before, and I was suffering the consequences. I needed the truth from him, because if not, how would I be able to trust him?

I had so many things I wanted to say... I had so many secrets I wanted to share... but I couldn't do that if I didn't trust him completely.

As seconds passed, it felt like a staring contest. I tried so hard to read his eyes, but I couldn't understand what he was thinking. Was he thinking about lying to me? Was he thinking of a reason that I would believe?

What was going on inside his head?

"Why are you asking me this?"

"Why aren't you answering me? Is it that hard?" I shot back.

He wanted to talk to me, he got what he asked for. Nandito na ako sa harap niya. We would talk, but we would talk about the things I wanted to know. Kasi once and for all, gusto kong malaman. Napapagod na ako na maraming iniisip. Na paulit-ulit na bumabalik lang din sa kanila ni Ella. It was exhausting.

"It was the first time I saw you," he began. I held my breath while listening to him. I didn't want to miss a word that he said. "You looked pissed, and then when our eyes met, you looked really angry."

"You fell for me because I looked angry?" hindi makapaniwala kong tanong.

"No... it's just that... you're different. From the people in this school. You didn't seem afraid. And it was... special."

"That still doesn't explain the fact that you dumped Ella for me. I don't understand, Avo. How can you dump someone you loved for years just because there's someone new you fancy? That doesn't even make sense," I explained.

If he thought I'd accept whatever answer he'd throw my way without even asking, then he clearly didn't know me at all. O baka naman dahil hindi niya talaga ako kilala... because the time we spent apart was longer than the time we were together. Palagi siyang nasa labas. Palagi akong naghihintay sa kanya. And I didn't even know why I was waiting... Was I that thirsty for affection that I fell for his words right away? Without even bothering to question his intention?

"With the kind of life we live, life is short. Why will I waste my time with Ella if it's clear that I want to be with you?"

"Because it doesn't make sense!"

Wala akong pakielam kung pagtinginan kami. Sanay na ako. And I just wanted answers! If I had to shout to get answers from him, then I would make his ears bleed!

"Why does everything have to make sense to you?" he said, teeth gritting in frustration.

"Because I want to understand!"

"What don't you understand? I want you. You. What more do you want to know?"

My lips parted. Why couldn't he f ucking come up with a more believable answer? Because as hard as I was trying to believe him, all I heard was him sprouting lies.

I sighed.

"Maybe this is wrong. I don't know what possessed me to agree to be with you. I don't even know you, Avo," I said. I tried to hold myself together. I needed to do this. Kailangang magawa ko 'to ngayon... because I didn't know when I would find the strength again to do this. "I don't know you."

Tumayo na ako.

"We can be friends," I said and offered a smile. "Let's be just that."

I turned around and began walking. I could feel the pain constricting inside my chest. I closed my hands and kept on walking. I should just keep on walking... Para sa akin 'to. I needed to do this for myself. I didn't deserve something he wasn't even sure himself.

"Unbelievable," I said as I felt tears dropping. "Why am I crying? I don't even love him yet."

But tears just kept on flowing.

Maybe I was in love with him... I didn't know anymore. All I knew was that it hurt.

I walked and walked until my feet gave up on me. Naupo ako sa damuhan at saka niyakap iyong tuhod ko. I didn't want to cry but these stupid tears wouldn't stop on flowing. I was sobbing like a f ucking kid and I hated it. I hated that he had a control over me. He didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve anything from me.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano na ako katagal doon. I didn't even bother to go to my class anymore. Gusto ko lang mapag-isa. Ayoko na may makakita sa akin na ganito. I may be weak, but nobody needed to know that I was weak. My mother said that appearance is everything... so I must appear strong even if I was just faking it.

--

It was already dark when I decided to stand up. My legs felt dead, but I needed to go back to the dorm already. The classes ended and I didn't want to see Avo. Nagmamadali akong maglakad, iniiwasan lahat ng tao pero may nakabangga pa rin ako.

"Cover your face."

Napatingin ako sa nag-abot sa akin ng baseball cap.

"Don't show them that you cried," sabi ni Laurie at saka inilagay sa ulo ko iyong baseball cap at saka ibinaba para matakpan iyong mga mata ko. "Let's go."

Sumabay ako sa kanya habang naglalakad.

"How did you—"

"Everyone knows," she replied. "You dumped him in a public place."

Hindi ako naka-sagot agad. It still amazed me how fast news can travel in a god-forsaken place like this.

Medyo matagal na kaming naglalakad ni Laurie pero walang nagsasalita. Nung makarating kami sa dorm, iiwan niya na ako nung pigilan ko siya.

"What?" she asked.

"Won't you even ask me if I'm okay?"

"Why would I even ask the obvious? You look like shit," sagot niya.

Bigla akong natawa.

"Bagay kayo ni Night," I said and then her expression changed. I hit a nerve. "I'm sorry," I continued. "I shouldn't have said that."

"It's alright."

Tinignan ko siya. She looked okay... but how could she be okay? Matagal sila ni Night... I was sure she loved him. How do you get over from something like that in such a short amount of time? It hadn't even been two months since they broke up.

"Do you still love him?" I asked her.

"Of course," she quickly admonished.

"Then why don't you get him back?"

It wasn't like Night had other girls... wala naman siyang kasama palagi bukod sa mga Dieux.

"You can't get someone back if that someone doesn't want to return."

"Night loves you," I said.

"I know," she said with a small smile. "But he's not in love with me. There's a difference."

--

Pinilit kong makatulog pero hindi ko magawa. I kept on tossing and turning until I decided that it was best for me to take a walk. 

"San ka pupunta? Gabi na," Cathy said.

"I'll take a walk," I replied. "I'll be back later."

I grabbed my hoodie, kung sakaling malamigan ako. I opted for a walk farthest from the dorm of the Dieux. Naglakad lang ako nang naglakad. I just wanted to ease my mind so that I could sleep peacefully. Ayoko naman na kahit sa panaginip ay dalawin ako ni Avo.

Habang naglalakad ako, bigla akong hinarang ng apat na lalaki.

"Hi," sabi nung isa sa kanila. Bigla akong inakbayan at saka pinilit na maglakad. "Lakad lang, Miss," the guy whispered, and I felt a sharp material poking my side.

"Sino kayo?"

"Don't ask yet, there are cameras everywhere."

"Hindi ba naka-disable?" the other guy asked, worried.

"Naka-disable, but just to be sure. We don't want to mess with the wrong people," the guy beside me said. "Walk faster."

Biglang lumakas iyong kabog ng dibdib ko. Where the f uck were they taking me?!

"Ano'ng gagawin niyo sa akin?!"

Mas dumiin iyong patalim sa gilid ko.

"Don't shout," he said. "Malapit na tayo."

Ilang beses kong inisip kung papaano ako makakaalis pero apat silang nakapalibot sa akin. At gabi na! Wala ng tao sa paligid! Where were the marshals when I needed them?! And they f ucking disabled the cameras! Hindi ako makasigaw dahil walang makakarinig sa akin!

Nagulat ako nung dalhin nila ako sa lugar kung saan nandon ang daan palabas ng AdM. Bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko nung isulat nila ang Memento Mori sa pader at biglang bumukas iyon.

"Totoo nga!" the guy said in awe. "F ucking Dieux. They all have the fun in this place."

Hinila nila ako papasok pero kahit ano'ng pagpupumiglas ko, hindi ako makawala sa kanila. I was terrified. I wanted to shout for help. I wanted to cry. I was scared.

"Who wants to go first?"

"A-anong gagawin niyo sa akin?"

"Ako muna," the guy said and then he began taking his belt off.

"What do you want?! I'll give it to you!"

Lumapit siya sa akin.

"It's a done deal, babe," sabi niya at saka hinawakan iyong mukha ko. "You shouldn't have broken up with your protector... and angered the wrong people."

I slapped his hand away from my face but he just gave me a sinister smile.

"Hostility won't do you good, Miss. No one can hear you scream here."

"What do you want?! Pera ba?! I'll give it to you! I'll triple whatever they offered! Don't do this!"

Tumawa siya.

"It's not about the money."

"Then ano?! Tell me!"

But instead of telling me, he tore my shirt apart and pinned me against the wall.

"You bastard! Bitiwan mo nga ako!" I shouted but they only laughed at me. "I'll kill you all! I'll f ucking kill you if you touch me!"

"What can you do to me? You're not above us, Miss. You don't scare us."

"I'm an Estrella! I'll f ucking kill your entire family!" I shouted pero mas tumawa lang sila.

"Di kami tanga, Miss. The Estrella doesn't have an heir anymore," he said and then pulled the strap of my bra down. "He died three years ago. We all know it."

My tears began to pool in my eyes. I was scared for myself. I was so scared and no one was there to help me.

"That was my brother!" I explained but they wouldn't hear any of it.

I cried as they touched me.

I cried as they violated me.

I shouted for help.

No one listened.